


Renewal

by KingJackson



Series: Anthology [2]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: (just once), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Barebacking, Cheating, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Jinyoung-Centric, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-09-10 19:50:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 126,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8935954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingJackson/pseuds/KingJackson
Summary: Jinyoung had spent his early twenties learning who he was and how to appreciate those who could actually stand to be around him. But at the turning point of 25, life wasn’t so forgiving, forcing him to confront the very things (and people) he had tried to forget.(A sequel to Citation.)





	1. Chapter 1

Park Jinyoung was 25 years old when he realized how fast life sped up as you got older. How he had only recently discovered that fact was baffling, but he took the information and processed it as best he could. It seemed like lifetimes ago that he was beginning his junior year of university, meeting a library assistant who couldn’t take a hint and would later steal his heart and become one of the most important people in his life. Of course, Jaebum wasn’t the only person who had some effect on him during that time; his best friend and former roommate Mark had lent his ear too many times to count, letting Jinyoung blow off steam, even if his assumptions were completely off-base. With Mark came Jackson, the energetic bubbly blond who was always around, surprising everyone with how in tune he could be with the world around him.

After he and Jaebum had celebrated the holiday together and returned to school, Jinyoung felt like he was in heaven, using his strict rule of never putting forth more effort than necessary when it came to his classes, focusing most of his attention back on Jaebum. It was a honeymoon stage written for the movies, Jinyoung feeling like an entirely new person as he gradually spent more and more time at Jaebum’s apartment, his things slowly taking up residence in the small space, waking up in Jaebum’s arms or falling asleep while watching a movie together on the couch. It was comfortable and Jinyoung felt at ease, like things should have always gone that smoothly, boyfriend or not. But if it weren’t for Jaebum, Jinyoung would never have realized any of that, perpetually stuck in his own ways, doomed to never break the habits.

As expected, Mark was set to live with Jackson the next year, Jinyoung gathering all of his courage to ask Jaebum to officially move in, but receiving a key before he could even spit out a rushed suggestion, the older boy already made aware of the situation and what he wanted to happen next. After the semester had ended, Jinyoung took up a job for the summer at the coffee shop on campus, proving to his parents he was going to be okay on his own. They reluctantly agreed, praising Jaebum for instilling a new work ethic into Jinyoung, able to pull enough to share the rent on their shared apartment, moving the rest of his belongings in during the hot summer months. Just as Jaebum had suggested, Jinyoung placed his thriving cactus on the windowsill in the kitchen, looking like it belonged there all along.

Jaebum and Mark graduated together, Jackson openly weeping at how proud he was of both of them but especially Mark, feeling like they had come so far since their blind meeting not even a year before. While Jackson hollered and clapped until his palms turned red, Jinyoung sat peacefully as he watched Jaebum cross the stage, the older boy’s gaze able to spot Jinyoung in an instant without even trying, their eyes locking together and sharing a knowing glance that had become their trademark. Jinyoung knew that it was foolish to feel so crazy about someone so quickly, but he was finally happy and if Mark and Jackson could act this way, so could he, only he preferred to internalize all of the emotions building up inside.

While Jinyoung worked part time, Jaebum and Mark wasted no time in starting their own business together, having no interest in working for anyone else but themselves. Between the two of them, they had enough experience and knowledge to create their own photography company, making themselves available for hire for weddings, birthdays, graduations… basically anything someone would ask of them. It had started very slowly, Jaebum constantly sitting around at his desk frustrated with the lack of offers coming in, but once one of their old professors from the college had hired them for a faculty event, word spread quickly through the community, allowing them to finally have a set schedule and routine, filling up their calendar weeks at a time. Jinyoung noticed how relaxed Jaebum became as he finally was able to soak up his craft, no longer going a week without showering or forgetting to bring in the mail from outside. He was making something of himself and Jinyoung was almost jealous, still working pitiful hours as a barista.

Between both of their jobs, Jinyoung and Jaebum did manage to take some time for themselves outside of living together, taking trips to the beach or crashing the same parties Jinyoung constantly attended the summer previous, now able to relax in the corner with his significant other, escaping to a private room once the alcohol had flushed through his veins. Their relationship was going so well, it almost felt too easy, but Jinyoung never minded, still in a state of constant bliss, his personal, social, and romantic endeavors finally falling in line with one another.

Jinyoung began his senior year in the same mindset, loving his newfound freedom and ability to balance many things at once, but the added pressure of finishing his college career threw everything off balance, forcing Jinyoung to return back to some old habits. He wasn’t surprised when he started procrastinating on papers and assignments, waiting until hours before they were due to even read the requirements, but even Jaebum knew things weren’t going right when Jinyoung began to skip classes, blaming it on the fact that Jaebum was too handsome in the mornings so he couldn’t possibly leave bed, or wanting to tag along to help Mark and Jaebum with a client’s requests, handling the equipment easier than he could his impending midterms.

While things may have been messy academically, Jinyoung was becoming more accepting of Jackson as a personal friend rather than a forced one, meeting up with him for lunch between classes (when he went) and texting him without any connection to Mark. Having more friends than Mark alone was something Jinyoung genuinely appreciated, even if he wasn’t always surrounding himself with them. Just knowing that he could count on one or two more people meant the world to him, allowing him to seem a bit more outgoing and accepting of college social life.

Even with his track record slightly tarnished from his lack of work ethic, Jinyoung made it through his senior year, graduating alongside Jackson, their boyfriends in the spots they sat in one year ago exactly. It was more bittersweet that time around because the university was something that kept them all together, one central location they could find themselves at. But Mark wasn’t sure where Jackson’s career would take him and Jinyoung had a ton of questions to answer himself, leaving everything between their core group a little uncertain. If Jinyoung had known that he would be finishing school and pining for some of its natural routines outside of classes, he would have laughed, never imagining himself giving a shit about anything but himself. However, back then he didn’t have friends outside of Mark like Jackson, and there was certainly no one named Jaebum around.

Time slowly moved forward, Jinyoung interviewing and accepting a position at a hospital near their apartment, starting in an assistant role, in charge of filing and data upkeep. It wasn’t his dream job by any means, and he hardly felt like he needed his degree to achieve employment there, but he needed something stable as Jaebum had already established himself in the community with Mark and their business. Jinyoung wanted to feel like he was contributing, like he was trying to become more than a graduate working at a coffee shop, putting in lots of hours to meet how much he would need for rent and other bills, the true feeling of becoming an adult sinking into his head. Around that same time, Jackson also accepted an offer to join a PR firm, becoming one of their rising stars in their consumer-facing sector, his outgoing and friendly nature perfect for delivering their word to the masses, good or bad.

Mark had been so proud of Jackson for excelling so much so quickly, suggesting that they make things a bit more permanent by moving in together - by buying a house. Jinyoung was shocked at the news, not necessarily for them moving in together, but for how final something like that seemed, the idea of sharing and owning a property together something that Jinyoung could barely understand even though he and Jaebum had been together for almost as long as they had. It had taken him longer to see what was already in his heart, but Jinyoung didn’t think that mattered, ranting to Jaebum at night about how Mark was acting irrationally and that he couldn’t understand why people rushed into making such lavish decisions. Jaebum could only roll his eyes, biting his tongue as Jinyoung wouldn’t stop his tirade, not taking anyone’s feelings into account but his own.

However, Jaebum had a big purchase to make shortly after, trading in his old well-loved sedan for a sleek SUV, needing the extra space and storage for his equipment he needed to work anywhere in the surrounding areas. Jinyoung took this news the hardest, scolding Jaebum for going without him, wanting to have one last ride in the car that felt like his own, the seat never moving from his perfect spot, the radio buttons fading from constant use. It was the car they had taken everywhere, from their impromptu trips downtown, to ones in secluded parks where Jinyoung had no problem wedging his body between Jaebum and the steering wheel. It had meant a little too much to him, Jaebum taking his sharp-tongued complaints with a grain of salt, already knowing why Jinyoung would be upset to say goodbye to a piece of junk.

But that was how Jinyoung worked. He had grown to understand what it took to be in a relationship, but he was still selfish, getting jealous when Jaebum’s schedule was almost too full, watching as he was able to upgrade everything in his life, leaving Jinyoung to begrudgingly accept that Jaebum wasn’t the poor art student he knew a few years ago. They were growing up faster than ever and Jinyoung tried his best to keep up, ultimately feeling inferior more than he should. Progress to move up from his current position at the hospital was taking longer than expected, the positions above him remaining full no matter how many times he had tried to network his way in. His frustrations showed in his job, almost sinking back into his bad habits from his college days, Jaebum having to step in to remind him that there was no safety net anymore, that he had to try, not just for himself, but for everything to work between them. Jinyoung knew he was right, but at what cost? Was this all worth it in the end? Was this what Jinyoung had to look forward to every day of his working life until he died?

_Dramatic. So. Fucking. Dramatic. Hey, at least something is consistent, right?_

Even though there was always something happening, always something getting in the way professionally, Jinyoung always had Jaebum. From sneaking around the dusty back corners of the library after hours during Jaebum’s last week of work, completely naked and maybe a little drunk, to their more sophisticated dinners with Jaebum’s parents who were even more inspired and creative than Jaebum himself, they always had each other over the years, exploring and learning to understand each other along the way. There were constant trips to local parks, Jaebum letting Jinyoung use his newer digital equipment when he could, capturing the scenery like they did when they were still taking classes. Road trips were still one of their favorite pastimes, even in Jaebum’s too-shiny new car, Jinyoung finally able to listen to the many playlists Jaebum had crafted over the years. While college parties finally fizzled out, Jaebum introduced Jinyoung to a new circle of acquaintances he met in his line of work, often attending posh parties with hors d'oeuvres and wine, Jinyoung sneaking a flask of something stronger in his pocket.

But it was when they would come home, hands a little too needy, mouths basically stuck together, that Jinyoung would feel his best, nothing able to top the feeling of being with Jaebum _that way_. It had crossed his mind a few months into their relationship that if this were to last, Jaebum would be his only partner the rest of his life, initially sending a small wave of shock from his brain to his groin. But Jaebum never gave him a reason to think he could be missing something outside of what he could offer, the two of them basically trying anything they could. One of Jinyoung’s favorite memories was finally taking Jaebum up on the offer of letting him photograph him in the nude, using their bedroom as the set, Jaebum’s equipment barely fitting in the tiny room. He remembered feeling nervous even though it was the most familiar space in the world, Jaebum teasing him for acting like it was a big deal when it wasn’t, all for his boyfriend and the camera. Everything went smoothly that night and Jinyoung couldn’t even pretend to be upset when he learned that Jaebum left the camera recording as they went from modeling to fucking, blushing at the thought of watching it together at a later date.

Jaebum had taught Jinyoung what love was without explicitly doing so, allowing the younger boy to find himself along the way. There was no way anyone could force Jinyoung into acting a certain style or saying cliche things. He was an independent person who found himself falling for someone who was the definition of patient, someone who knew when to give Jinyoung space or when to rush right over. It was a learning curve that Jinyoung had mastered, becoming the best man he could be, allowing himself to _feel_ something for once instead of shoving it away, regretting the chance to be anything at all.

 

 

Park Jinyoung was 25 years old when he left work that night, tossing his messenger bag into the passenger seat of his gently used car, checking his phone for any notifications, his lock screen completely blank. Sighing deeply, he turned the engine on, putting the car in reverse to head to his parent’s house for dinner, a tradition he liked to keep to always stay in touch, regardless of what was going on in his life. It was always comforting to return home to a warm meal, everything already set and ready, familiar smells sinking into his clothing every visit. The drive back felt longer than normal, Jinyoung’s stomach rumbling with hunger as he barely ate his lunch, preferring to doze off on the couch in the employee’s lounge, catching up on lost sleep.

Soon enough, Jinyoung pulled into the driveway, a soft glow from the lamp in the window putting his stomach to ease as he stepped out, nearly jogging to the door and knocking once before heading inside, going straight into the kitchen where his mom was putting the finishing touches on their dinner. A quick hug and kiss later, Jinyoung was tasked with setting the table, getting everyone something to drink before his dad joined them, the three of them sitting together and beginning to eat, Jinyoung’s smile on his face showing appreciation for the food and company.

“Are you getting excited?” Jinyoung’s mother asked, smiling as she placed her wine glass on the table. “I can’t believe Mark’s big day is coming so soon!”

“I know,” Jinyoung smiled and shrugged, picturing Mark and Jackson’s surprisingly sophisticated wedding invitation in his head. “He calls me all the time. I guess Jackson is a bit of a control freak.”

“Well, weddings are stressful for everyone,” his mother replied warmly, putting another serving of food on his plate. “Ask your father, he knows.”

“Please don’t ask me,” his dad groaned, chuckling under his breath. “I prefer to remember the good times, thank you.”

Jinyoung laughed himself, knowing he had always taken after his father more than his mom, feeling like if he were in the same situation, he would be the same way. It wasn’t that he was surprised Mark and Jackson were getting married - anything but, honestly. They had been together for over four years, living together for most of it, and it was simply a formality to have a party to celebrate everything they had been and would be forever, one trip to the courthouse included. It was sickeningly sweet, but Jinyoung couldn’t help but admire what they had, knowing it had taken the stars and moon themselves to put the two men together, soulmates without question.

After dinner, Jinyoung stayed for dessert, even helping his mom with the dishes and clean up duties, spending some time with his dad watching television and catching up since his last visit. It wasn’t his home anymore, but it would always feel like one, everything so comforting, the many frames along their mantle still showing his evolution from bratty preteen to semi-adjusted adult with a job and a degree. Nothing had changed since he lived here, or possibly since before he started university, and he hoped it would always be a constant in his life when things seemed to always be changing, constantly searching for that stability he never knew he needed.

As it grew darker, Jinyoung said his goodbyes and took his leftovers, enough for a small army, to the car, honking once before he was on his way, driving carefully back to his current home. The car was quiet, radio turned down low so he could get lost in his own thoughts, thinking of what home meant to him nowadays. It wasn’t a long drive, but it felt different enough, nearly missing his street and complex, pulling into a parking space before walking into his building. Reminding him of his dorm he shared with Mark, Jinyoung took the steps quickly, walking to the door number he knew quite well, unlocking the door and stepping inside.

In the center of the room was a couch facing a television set, a messy coffee table with a variety of remotes on top. Against the wall was a small table for two, chairs pushed in and a few coffee cups that had been abandoned the past few days. The kitchen was nearly pristine, not a dish in sight, only a few bags of snacks along the edge next to a coffee maker, light blinking to indicate that the time needed to be reset. Jinyoung placed his leftovers in the bare refrigerator, only a small carton of milk and a few bottles of beer inside, making a mental note of things to buy soon. Taking a few steps into the bedroom, Jinyoung tossed his bag onto the floor before flopping back onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling before closing his eyes.

If it felt like his apartment was empty, Jinyoung had no excuses. It was empty because he lived there, alone, all by himself. It wasn’t the apartment he and Jaebum had turned into a home together, Jinyoung moving from that place he had grown so fond of less than three years after moving in. There were no photos on the walls, no prize winning prints or canvases splashed with color. Jinyoung had a window in his kitchen, but there was no cactus to be found, his gift getting caught in the crosshairs of an argument that seemed justified at the time, but petty in retrospect. Beyond the tiny trinkets and inanimate objects that turn a house into something that feels like a home, there was no Jaebum. That was life and Jinyoung had to deal with it, no matter what.

Whether or not Jinyoung would admit it was his fault that things went so wrong, well, he was never quick to confess.

_Keep telling yourself it was mutual. That seems to be working well. Idiot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? I couldn't wait to start this.
> 
> And please don't kill me.
> 
> (find me on twitter - same username, switch the s+k in jackson!)


	2. Chapter 2

“Did you really need to schedule the wedding on your five year anniversary?” 

Mark didn’t bother to reply to Jinyoung’s tenth snarky comment of the day, preferring to pull out his binder labeled “Wedding” along the edge and drop it onto the table, forcing Jinyoung to steady his cup of coffee with his hand. It was three weeks until the big day and Mark had asked Jinyoung to meet him at their favorite cafe to go over his duties as best man, clearing up the schedule of events that would be taking place that weekend. It was all new to Jinyoung who had only been to a couple weddings in his life outside of the few he helped Mark and Jaebum photograph, shoving those useless memories into his brain’s trashcan, preferring to keep the bitterness alive. 

“You know I’m not the one who picked the date,” Mark grumbled, sipping from his paper cup and sighing. “Not that I hate it. In fact, I love it. Kind of crazy how it worked out, huh?”

“Please don’t bring up fate,” Jinyoung whined, fingers fussing with the edge of the lid of his coffee. “It’s not real and it only hurts people.”

“You’re such a downer, Jinyoungie,” Mark chuckled, flipping the large file open and navigating his fingers towards one of the tabs in the back. “By the way, you still haven’t told me who you’re bringing.”

“No one,” Jinyoung laughed, leaning back in the wooden chair, taking a long sip from his cup. “You really think I’m going to find someone who wants to pay their own way to Hawaii in 3 weeks? You’re crazy.”

“You’ve known about this for months,” Mark rolled his eyes, opening the prongs and selecting a few pages from the rings. “Don’t blame it on the short notice. This is all on your procrastination and lack of giving a shit." 

“You act like this is brand new information,” Jinyoung giggled, snatching one of the pages Mark had picked out. “Do I need to remind you how long we’ve been friends?”

“Too long, clearly,” Mark laughed, shaking his head as Jinyoung’s eyes scanned the sheet in his hand. “But I do hope you’re taking your duties semi-seriously.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinyoung waved his hand around, focus still on the schedule listed on the page. “Do you really have to get married at 10:30 in the morning? Won’t we all still be hungover from the rehearsal dinner?” 

“Well, I don’t plan on getting smashed the night before my big day, but no one is stopping you,” Mark grinned, taking a pen to jot a note down on his copy. “Unless you count Jackson, because he would flip if he saw you drinking more than one light beer.”

“Is he really that bad?” Jinyoung asked, placing the paper on the table, watching as Mark grimmaced in front of him. “I never would have guessed he’d be the bridezilla.”

“He’s not _that_ bad,” Mark tried to argue, laughing a bit and ruining the convincing tone of his statement. “He just wants things to be perfect. When I ask him why he goes crazy over little details, he reminds me that the night we met, we didn’t even ask each other our names or numbers. He seriously thinks we’re going to forget something important, even though it’s been almost five years.”

“Aren’t you technically going to be married before you even step on the plane to get there?” Jinyoung questioned, giggling at his seemingly-clever observation. “Can he at least admit that piece of truth?”

“You have no idea how long that took to convince him,” Mark sighed, obviously exhausted from the back and forth of dealing with a destination wedding and a fiance who cared a little _too_ much. “Jackson wanted to wait until we got back from the honeymoon. It would have been weeks until we would have been actually married! He’s insane.”

“But you love it,” Jinyoung grinned menacingly, giggling as Mark’s cheeks began to blush, reaching over and pinching them gently before he was swatted away.

“Tease me all you want,” Mark laughed. “Because you know this is going to be harder for you than it is for any of the rest of us.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jinyoung retorted, slightly offended by the accusation. “I’ve been on a plane before. I can handle a wedding, even if it’s totally gross and unnecessary.” 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Mark glanced across the table, pointing to a line typed out on the page, Jinyoung’s eyes searching around to see what he was referencing.

In the top right hand corner of the schedule, Mark had taken the time to list the entire wedding party, from Jinyoung as Mark’s best man to the roles his parents would play. But he didn’t stop with his own guests, listing Jackson’s VIPs as well, the name Im Jaebum sticking out like a sore thumb next to what would be Jackson’s title of best man, Jinyoung sighing deeply at the realization.

_Of course he would be there, duh. You know they’re still close. Hell, they all are. Just without you. Typical, as always. Get with the program._

“I didn’t know he was Jackson’s best man,” Jinyoung said a bit softer than his usual speaking voice, still staring straight down at the list. “I don’t know what I expected, actually.”

“You know, not to dampen the mood further, but Jackson nearly cried when he decided to offer him that position,” Mark revealed, Jinyoung glancing back up with a confused expression, waiting for him to elaborate. “He knew it meant that if you both were picked, we couldn’t all celebrate together. Thus, the two separate bachelor parties.”

“Ah,” Jinyoung realized how complicated things had become, even though the breakup was over two years ago, easily picturing Jackson closing in on a quarter-life crisis at the thought of forcing people who hated each other together. “That would have been nice to celebrate as a group.”

“I know,” Mark smiled, a bitter tone to his voice, Jinyoung knowing what those two words really meant, the slight creep of red on Jinyoung’s neck and the shame he felt for ruining that opportunity forcing him to stare back at the schedule on the table.

“Two weeks until the bachelor party,” Jinyoung made it clear to only speak of the one he would be responsible for. “Definitely enough time to get something awesome planned.”

“You don’t have to do anything outlandish,” Mark reminded him, finishing up his drink. “I just want a fun night before things get even crazier. One where you aren’t sulking the entire time.”

“I’m not that bad!” Jinyoung defended himself, hands up as if he could block Mark’s verbal jabs. “You know I’ve been the same the entire time we’ve known each other.”

“Hm,” Mark hummed, giggling softly. “You were an asshole, then you met Jaebum and you were less of an asshole. Then, you two split and now you’re worse than ever. It’s been over two years and you still act like it all just happened last week. I will never understand how you can carry that chip on your shoulder for so long.”

“Yeah, well,” Jinyoung didn’t exactly have a good answer for that, figuring it was easier to stew in his annoyances rather than confront them and file them away. “I feel like it was a waste of time. Almost three years and there’s nothing to show for it except half the wrinkles on my face and a box of shit in my closet I refuse to sort through.”

“Maybe you could invite him over,” Mark giggled, Jinyoung’s eyes narrowing as he glared across the table. “Pull it all out, sort through it over a bottle of wine. Sounds romantic.”

“You’re lucky we’re in public,” Jinyoung gritted through his teeth. “Otherwise I’d be wrestling you into the ground.”

“So much pent up sexual energy, Jinyoungie,” Mark laughed, shaking his head as Jinyoung began to pout. “You should really get laid.”

“Shove it, Tuan,” Jinyoung scoffed, rolling his eyes as he slumped back in his chair, wondering how he was even going to make it through the upcoming nuptials when the one person he had ever let in would be standing less than ten feet away, completely oblivious to the pain Jinyoung had put himself through.

 

***

 

Two and a half years into their relationship, Jinyoung and Jaebum had started to experience problems that weren’t so easy to overcome, both men realizing that it was time to get serious or reconsider what they had, a choice that wouldn’t be easy for either of them. While his best friends were buying a home and settling down even more, Jinyoung still felt uneasy about anything as permanent as that, convincing Jaebum to re-sign the lease on his apartment they had been sharing since Jinyoung’s senior year of university, the walls too familiar to abandon. Jinyoung hated change and if he could pick one thing to have complete control over, it would be their home, the walls covered in Jaebum’s photography and art, Jinyoung’s subtle touches showing in his choice of furniture and bedding, the two minds melding to make the one bedroom unit work for both of them.

While not only convincing Jaebum to stay in their tiny apartment, Jinyoung had also managed to continue working the bare minimum amount of hours necessary at his job, forgetting all about striving for a promotion, completely comfortable with what he was doing. Jinyoung and Jaebum split everything down the middle and he more than covered his own share, letting him slack off and drift back to some of his less-than-stellar habits he developed in school. Sure, Jaebum was living his dream, working long hours and multiple days in a row without even a full 24 hours off in between, but that was his choice, Jinyoung unsure of why he would want to dedicate so much time and effort when he could act more like Jinyoung, doing the minimum to slide by. But that was one way they were different, Jaebum never settling for what seemed just okay, wanting to show his skill level and determination, Jinyoung rebelling from the inferior feelings by mocking his schedule, tiny arguments happening at all hours of the day, Jinyoung purposefully egging the older boy on.

The week-long tension that month began one night when Jinyoung got home from work, opening the door and placing his things down before moping into the kitchen, grabbing a beer that Jaebum had insisted they try, opening it and leaning against the counter as Jaebum stood over the stove, stirring something in a pot. Usually when Jinyoung would come home, Jaebum would try to stop him before he even got to the fridge, asking for a kiss or something more. But that day, Jaebum stared straight down into the saucepan, hand gripping a spoon tight. Jinyoung took a sip from the bottle, craning his neck over to try and capture his attention, waving his free hand before sighing, moving closer to the oven.

“Rough day?” Jinyoung asked, smiling a bit as he leaned over closer. “You’re really quiet.”

“I’m fine,” Jaebum returned a subtle grin, finally moving his gaze from the burners to Jinyoung’s face, nodding slightly. “Dinner’s almost ready, so go sit.”

Jinyoung nodded, giving Jaebum a quick kiss on his cheek before grabbing a couple plates and some cutlery, placing them in their usual spots on the table, taking a seat as he waited for Jaebum to bring over whatever he made, serving them both before sliding in the chair across from Jinyoung, motioning for him to start eating. Everything Jaebum made was always delicious, that night no exception, Jinyoung shoveling it in his mouth by the spoonful until his plate was clean, bringing over more for both of them to enjoy together. It was quiet, but that wasn’t unusual, both of them comfortable without saying a word. Once they had finished all that Jaebum had made, Jinyoung went to sit on the couch, Jaebum trailing close behind to sit next to him, leaving the dirty dishes for later.

“I have something to tell you,” was all Jaebum had to say to make Jinyoung immediately uncomfortable, his relaxed position in the corner of the sofa suddenly inappropriate for their impending conversation, sitting upright to face Jaebum, hands in his lap.

“Sounds serious…,” Jinyoung elbowed Jaebum’s side, giggling under his breath as he tried to lighten the mood. “Is that why you didn’t try to fuck me as soon as I walked in tonight?”

“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum sighed, barely moving from his position on the sofa, a serious expression unchanged on his face. “It’s important.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung nodded, facing the older boy as his back leaned against the armrest. “I’m listening.”

Normally, if Jaebum had something to say, he would spit it out, never one to mince words or dodge the point of a conversation. But in that moment, he sat frozen in place, eyes staring back down as if there was something extremely interesting on the carpet that Jinyoung was unaware of. Jinyoung knew better than to pry again, waiting out the time until Jaebum was ready, his head snapping back up and glancing over at Jinyoung, eyes a little softer than they previously were, Jinyoung swearing they looked a little wet with tears.

“There’s this job,” Jaebum began, hands nervously twisting around each other as his gaze never changed. “I applied for this job that is amazing and incredible and I got it, Jinyoung. Hundreds of people applied and they liked me best.”

“Well, that’s great news,” Jinyoung smiled, reaching his hand over to rub Jaebum’s thigh in support. “So why are you so nervous right now? Shouldn’t we be celebrating? There’s still time to go out, we could call Mark and Jackson…”

“No,” Jaebum cut him off, sighing as he ran his fingers through his shorter dark locks, eyes shifting back to the ground. “I mean, I got the job, but I haven’t accepted it yet. They need to know what I plan to do by the end of this week.”

“I don’t see what the problem is,” Jinyoung admitted, trying to get Jaebum to look at him directly. “Mark will understand, you know he’ll find someone to take your place easily.” 

“This isn’t about Mark,” Jaebum finally looked up, meeting Jinyoung’s line of sight. “It’s about you, Jinyoungie. If I take the job, I won’t be able to stay here.”

“What?” Jinyoung breathed before he could fully process what Jaebum was suggesting, feeling his heart drop into his stomach, the bubbling feelings of annoyance and shock rising under his skin. With his eyes wide, Jinyoung stared at Jaebum as the other rubbed the back of his neck nervously, the energy circulating between them charging more and more by the second.

“It’s a traveling gig,” Jaebum tried his best to explain, already knowing that Jinyoung had jumped to his own conclusions, doing whatever he could to reel him back in. “They’re an international modeling agency and the shoots take place all over. I wouldn’t be in one place longer than a week at a time.”

“You knew that before you applied?” Jinyoung spat, the annoyance brewing into anger as it always did, eyes narrowing in an accusatory glance. “And you didn’t fucking tell me?” 

“I didn’t think I would get it,” Jaebum resigned, head hanging low, obviously feeling a bit of guilt for keeping Jinyoung in the dark from his actions. “There was no point in telling you if even I didn’t think it would happen.”

“But it did,” Jinyoung continued, ignoring Jaebum’s “excuses” in order to express his feelings, voice raising a little higher. “You got the job and you’re obviously considering it or we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“Oh my god, here we go,” Jaebum rolled his eyes standing up and backing a foot away from where Jinyoung sat. “I knew you would do this, Jinyoung. You know I don’t think you’re an idiot.”

“Then why am I just now finding out, days before you accept?” Jinyoung stood to meet Jaebum’s face, closing the gap between them. “Do you want me to stop you or something? Because I won’t, it’s clear you want this or you wouldn’t have submitted your portfolio.”

“Would you just stop and shut up?” Jaebum shouted, startling Jinyoung a bit as he only ever yelled when he was truly pushed to his limits, Jinyoung’s eyes wide at the realization that things may be more serious that he first assumed. “I can’t believe we’ve been together for almost three goddamn years and you still can’t give me a chance to make my case before you’re tearing me apart.”

“That’s not true!” Jinyoung scoffed, hands waving violently around in front of him.

“Oh, like hell it is!” Jaebum pointed a finger into Jinyoung’s chest, eyes thin and brows furrowed. “What did you do when I tried to bring up looking into buying a house? Or the cold shoulder you gave me for weeks after I got the new car? Should I even bring up the third degree I had to endure when I was considering taking some extra night classes at the museum downtown? You’re fucking impossible!”

“Don’t act like you’re only now finding out the kind of person I am,” Jinyoung replied, ignoring the fact that Jaebum had completely dismantled his argument. “You’ve known since day one that I’m difficult and selfish and have no interest in changing, but you’ve continued to try for some idiotic reason.”

“Maybe because I love you, you fucking dumbass!” Jaebum shouted, groaning in frustration as he began to pace around their small living space. “Fuck, it’s like you don’t get it. You will never understand that I’m here because I love you and I want this to keep growing and turning into something amazing and beautiful, and instead you cut me down and you stomp all over the progress we’ve made so far. It hurts, Jinyoung. It really does.” 

While Jinyoung may have known how to cut straight to Jaebum’s biggest weaknesses, the older boy always chose to appeal with emotions and feelings, straying from logic and reason as he spilled his heart out to win arguments. Jaebum had sprung all of this information on Jinyoung without a warning, and suddenly he was groveling about how much he loved Jinyoung and he only wanted him to listen and understand where he was coming from. It was a pattern Jinyoung had figured out easily, never able to fully combat it, falling for it nearly every time as, he knew, he loved Jaebum, too. It was easier to concede than to admit he was wrong, but Jinyoung was still processing the idea of Jaebum _leaving without him_ that everything felt twice as heavy on his mind.

“W-well,” Jinyoung stuttered out, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “I guess I’m just…”

Jinyoung’s words trailed off, an uncomfortable silence falling between them as they could both fill in the blank, eyes meeting as their breaths slipped back into a normal rhythm.

_Scared._

Of course he wanted Jaebum to be successful at his craft, but Jinyoung didn’t like to be the compromising piece to make that possible, the idea of waking up alone day in and day out making his stomach turn. He had finally learned how to love and be loved in return for years and in an instant, things were being shifted around, Jaebum already with one foot out the door.

“Just think about it, okay?” Jaebum said quietly, sighing deeply as he rubbed his temples. “I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late.”

With a kiss on top of Jinyoung’s head, Jaebum was off to their room, door shutting quietly behind him. Jinyoung stared at it for a moment before settling back down onto the couch, head tilting all the way back as he closed his eyes, sighing in annoyance of everything he had to sort through, feelings and logic and everything in between. Jaebum had told him to think about it, but Jinyoung knew he really meant to think about what he would do once Jaebum had accepted the position and left indefinitely, chasing his dreams internationally without Jinyoung at his side. He would never admit it, but Jinyoung wished deeply that he could quit his job and join Jaebum on his professional journey, tossing his cares away as they jet setted across Europe and Asia, possibly even stretching as far as North America. But he knew that wasn’t realistic, Jaebum far too serious about his work to risk it all just to have Jinyoung by his side, the younger boy resigned to figure out his plan to live alone in the place he had finally claimed as home.

 

 

As he imagined, the week went by excruciatingly slow, the tension always present between the both of them when they occupied the same space at the same time. While words may have been short or abbreviated, they still managed to show some signs of affection, Jinyoung never forgetting to kiss Jaebum goodbye even if that meant having to force a smile along with it. Because of this, their sex life vanished, Jinyoung unabashedly jerking off in his workplace’s restroom, careful to time it while most of his co-workers went out to lunch, opting for the accessible stall for maximum space to do his business. It was disgusting, but necessary, Jinyoung afraid to even approach the question of intimacy when it seemed like their relationship was hanging in the balance.

By the time Friday came around, Jinyoung was ecstatic to come home from work, anticipating their lengthy discussion Jaebum would force them to have once he admitted he had accepted the new job. Just as it was every sixth day of the week, Jinyoung was greeted by his own personal takeout box waiting for him on the coffee table, Jaebum gathering them something to drink along with their meal before joining him on the sofa. They exchanged a quick peck before digging in, the silence punctuated by the low murmur of the television and Jinyoung’s obnoxious slurps, Jaebum peeking at him from the corner of his eye as he picked at his rice.

“So,” Jaebum began, Jinyoung mentally bracing himself for the news he already assumed was true. “I told them that I’d love to take the job offer.”

_Wow. So shocking, can you believe it? It’s almost like he wanted the job he bothered to apply for. Amazing deduction, Jinyoung._  

“Congratulations,” Jinyoung tried his hardest to make his smile as genuine as possible, knowing Jaebum would be able to see through it in an instant, hand resting on his thigh. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Jaebum smiled the same artificial grin back, going back to picking at his food. “I leave in a week.”

Jinyoung’s fork landed with a loud clank onto the coffee table in front of them, mouth slightly agape as he replayed what Jaebum had revealed. Not only was he about to start a career that would keep him away from home most of the time, but now they only had a week left together in their comfortable routine, Jinyoung’s heart feeling like it could stop any moment as he considered what this could mean for them. It was hard enough trying to teach himself to accept Jaebum’s decision and put on a proud face for him, trying to show that he was happy that he was excelling, but everything was changing faster than Jinyoung could handle, his eyes darting around Jaebum’s face for any additional information.

“Why so soon?” Jinyoung asked, eyes wide and complexion pale. “I mean… don’t they want you have time to get everything in order before they ship you off somewhere?”

“There’s not much to sort,” Jaebum shrugged nonchalantly, driving Jinyoung crazy that his feelings seemed so far off from the younger boy’s, fingertips digging into the sofa cushions. “I would just have to pack a bag and my things. You live here too, so I don’t have to worry about the apartment or my car. Seemed easy enough.”

“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked, the two words biting through the tension easily, Jaebum finally giving him a bit of attention he so desperately craved. “You’re just going to pack a bag and say goodbye in less than 7 days and you think that’s _easy_?”

“I never said that saying goodbye would be easy, Jinyoung,” Jaebum basically scolded him, placing his food on the table. “Tying up my loose ends professionally is the easy part. Leaving you without knowing when I’ll be back next is… well, fucking terrifying.”

“That’s the first rational thing I’ve heard you say all week,” Jinyoung snorted, focusing back on the pile of noodles in his bowl. “I finally feel like we might be on the same page about something.”

“Jinyoung, if there’s something you want to say, seriously,” Jaebum motioned broadly in front of them both, “be my guest. Get it all out before you lock it up inside.” 

“If you insist,” Jinyoung took a napkin and wiped his mouth before facing Jaebum, eyes twinkling with something slightly vicious in mind. “How am I supposed to spend time with you before you go? We have tomorrow and Sunday, then what? A few hours each night? That’s so unfair and you know it.”

“Why don’t you quit your job and then you’ll have all week with me?” Jaebum attempted to joke, sending Jinyoung into another fit instead, the younger boy standing up and stomping in place.

“That’s a completely normal thing to do!” Jinyoung laughed, mocking himself in a faux scenario to follow it up. “Oh, hi, yes! I need to quit my job because my boyfriend is leaving and I don’t know when he’s coming back and I had no fucking clue I’d only have a few days to spend with him, so can I please leave now?”

“I only want you to be happy!” Jaebum clarified, visibly annoyed at Jinyoung’s immature mocking of the situation. “You asked how you were supposed to spend time with me and I gave you an option.”

“You know, just because my job isn’t all glamorous and sexy like yours is doesn’t mean that I can abandon it just like that,” Jinyoung explained, resenting how easily Jaebum could suggest an improbable idea. “I may not enjoy what I’m doing right now, but someday I’ll find something just like you did, except maybe I’ll let you know before I apply for it.”

“Here you go again with that same line,” Jaebum rolled his eyes, his temper flaring up even more than before. “Would it make you feel any better if I told you I’ve been applying for things all the time? That I’ve submitted my portfolio to probably hundreds of companies at this point? None of them wanted me and now someone does and I can’t even show how relieved I am that I didn’t waste my time studying and practicing this without anything to show for it.”

“You’ve been applying for things like this all the time?” Jinyoung said a bit quieter, the realization that he had become so disconnected from Jaebum’s professional ambitions beginning to eat away at him inside, the idea that Jaebum felt like he couldn’t tell Jinyoung that he was attempting to better himself because he knew that the younger boy would chew him out like he always did resonating deep in his mind.

“Yeah,” Jaebum sighed, leaning back into the cushions. “Not all of them involved traveling, it just so happened that the one who offered me something did. And I can’t keep waiting for the perfect opportunity.”

Jinyoung felt trapped. On one hand, Jaebum went behind his back and disregarded his feelings by even considering jobs that involved him leaving whenever he needed to for weeks or months at a time, but Jinyoung knew that he wasn’t the easiest person to talk to about matters of career development. On the other, he knew that Jaebum deserved this. The idea that he struggled to find a company to offer him some opportunity as incredible as this was incomprehensible to Jinyoung; Jaebum’s talent was obvious even from one photograph and if Jinyoung could see that, why couldn’t everyone else?

“I’m sorry it all had to happen like this,” Jaebum cut the silence with a subdued statement, his gaze unable to meet Jinyoung’s. “But I know you know this isn’t as easy for me as you’re making this seem.”

_What he means is that leaving you is the hardest part. Got that?_

Jinyoung nodded, the anger vanishing as he moved closer to Jaebum, hand slowly moving to his cheek which felt damp to the touch. He hadn’t noticed Jaebum tear up, but it was clear he was going through just as many emotions as Jinyoung was, head probably buzzing with every possible word he wished he could say. 

“I’m so proud of you,” was all Jinyoung could manage to whisper before Jaebum pulled him into his arms, the two grown men who had fought through so much to understand each other locked in an embrace shrouded by unanswered questions neither wanted to address.

 

 

With the news that Jaebum would be leaving in less than seven days still fresh on Jinyoung’s mind, he tried his best to put on a happy face the entire weekend, dragging the older boy to all of their favorite places in as little time as they had. From their favorite restaurants to the parks they visited most, Jinyoung tried to push off the inevitable by always keeping busy, hoping there would never be a lull in conversation that would force him to say how he really felt, letting his emotions and reservations build inside of him, burying them deeper with every passing day. The guilt he felt from knowing that Jaebum didn’t feel like he could talk about his dreams and ambitions any longer was forcing him to stay in a positive mood, to seem the supportive boyfriend he once always was, never doubting that they had a solid future built on open and honest communication.

After the work week had started and Jinyoung had returned home one night, Jaebum had sat him down to run through some numbers he would need to be aware of while he was away. The first order of business was that the company hiring Jaebum provided him a bonus for accepting the job offer, the older boy explaining to Jinyoung that he would be paying for their shared apartment while he was away as it was the least he could do to keep Jinyoung comfortable. It was an extremely generous offer and Jinyoung hugged him so tight he could barely breathe, but it only strengthened Jinyoung’s doubts of how much he would even be seeing Jaebum for the next few weeks or months, too afraid to explicitly ask Jaebum for what was expected of him scheduling-wise.

While he never considered outright quitting, Jinyoung did manage to take Friday off from his job, planning a special day with Jaebum that started with the two of them having lunch with Mark and Jackson, the couple thrilled that he would be living his dream, but saddened that their quartet would be down a member for the unforeseeable future. When it was time to part, Mark sent his best wishes before Jackson attacked Jaebum with the biggest bear hug his small frame could muster, eyes spilling more tears than Jinyoung had in his entire life.

Reality never seemed to sink in for Jinyoung even as he prepared Jaebum his favorite meal for dinner, the two dining in comfortable silence, sneaking small smiles and glances over their plates and glasses of wine. If he hadn’t known any better, Jinyoung would have claimed that everything had felt better in that moment than it had in months, the two barely arguing since Jaebum had revealed how little time they had together before he was shipping off for his first assignment. Daring to take things even further, Jinyoung barely started working on their dirty dishes before Jaebum had crept up behind him, kissing the back of his deck and mumbling filthy things in his ear before one simple roll of his hips against Jinyoung’s plump backside had him running to their bed, forearms still covered in dish soap bubbles.

The next morning, Jinyoung woke up groggy and sore, the memories of being pressed deep into the mattress the night prior replaced with sickness and dread, watching as Jaebum finished packing a small bag with his passport and other necessities. Smiling to himself, Jinyoung rolled out of bed and pushed Jaebum against the small desk he still kept in the corner, sinking into the familiar haze that came with being with the older boy in any form. Jaebum smiled against his lips, holding onto Jinyoung’s slim figure before gently pulling away, leaning his forehead against the other’s.

“Get ready,” he said quietly, eyes soft and uncertain. “It’s almost time to go.”

 

 

The drive to the airport was uneventful, Jaebum keeping a level head as he followed the directions and parked in the attached garage, handing Jinyoung the parking slip for when he would need to exit. The younger boy helped carry one of his suitcases, Jaebum rolling a matching one along with holding his carry on bag, a deep silence falling between them as they took the elevator to the main entrance, stepping inside and heading to the counter where Jaebum could check his bags. Once he had finished, he took Jinyoung’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers before walking towards the security checkpoint nearest his departure gate.

“Well,” Jaebum said as they reached the area, stopping alongside a towering wall of windows that reminded Jinyoung of the ones in the library behind the seat Jaebum had assigned him nearly three years ago to the current date. “This is my stop.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sighed, looking up and watching as the glow from the sun surrounded Jaebum like a halo, bits of dust circling in the bright light. “I know.”

Dropping his bag to the floor, Jaebum wasted no time in hugging Jinyoung tighter than he had in a very long time, arms nearly crushing him as he buried his face in the younger boy’s neck. Jinyoung had promised himself he wouldn’t cry, fuck, he wouldn’t because that’s not who he was and he was stronger than his emotions, but as he felt a vibration of a sob from Jaebum’s chest, he couldn’t stop the waterworks from turning on, arms laced around his neck as the tears began to fall. It was all suddenly very real: Jaebum was leaving and Jinyoung couldn’t stop him.

“I’ll call every day, okay?” Jaebum breathed in between sighs, eyes puffy and slightly red. “No matter where I am or what time it is, I promise I will.”

“You better,” Jinyoung tried to smile, laughing under his breath and sniffles. “I’ll be waiting.”

“And don’t worry about me,” Jaebum reached over to wipe Jinyoung’s cheeks as they pulled away. “I’ll be too busy worrying about you.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Jinyoung blushed, trying his best to stay somewhat composed as Jaebum let out a laugh, hugging him once more. 

“I love you,” Jaebum began, kissing his lips before placing another to his forehead. “My Jinyoungie.”

“I love you too,” Jinyoung sighed, hands gripping onto Jaebum’s as he waited as long as he possibly could before he needed to go through security, slowly letting his fingertips slip away.

Jinyoung thought he had experienced pain and heartbreak in his life before, the idea of breaking down over something as stupid as love never something he considered. But as he watched Jaebum walk away to begin a new chapter of his life without Jinyoung right by his side, he couldn’t help but feel a sinking weight in his stomach, the bubbling of a new emotion that he wanted to badly to remove.

_Abandonment._

  


Just as he promised, Jaebum was sure to call Jinyoung every day the first two weeks of his new job. He had been in Hong Kong the first week and Tokyo the second, explaining all of the new and exciting things he had seen each day over the phone or through a video, Jinyoung relieved whenever his name or face appeared on the screen. After telling Jinyoung all about his day, Jaebum would let Jinyoung tell all about his, the conversation usually running dry after he mentioned waking up, going to work and coming home, never one to have much planned outside of that as he and Jaebum lived together and spent most of their time doing things as a couple. They sat in a bit of awkward silence before Jaebum almost always excused himself, wishing Jinyoung a good night and ending the call with a kiss. One call, Jaebum had explicitly asked Jinyoung how he was holding up without Jaebum there, the younger boy laughing at the ridiculous nature of the question, accusing Jaebum of thinking he couldn’t handle being apart. If that fact wasn’t so true, Jinyoung would have gone off on the older boy, not caring that they would be arguing on a screen, needing to voice his frustrations. But instead, it was another emotion to bury, the weight of being apart something Jinyoung never thought he had to face. 

Another crack broke the surface one afternoon while Mark and Jinyoung went out to lunch, the two still trying to keep somewhat of a schedule to keep Jinyoung sane. That day, Jaebum had sent Jinyoung a bunch of photographs from his current shoot, the models beautiful and sets lavishly decorated, making Jinyoung feel inferior when comparing it to the eggshell white walls of the office was restrained to, processing file after file in the same mundane routine way. Mark, knowing Jinyoung better than most, attempted to inquire if Jinyoung felt like he was stuck while Jaebum had clearly begun to move up in his life and career, but he denied it, shoveling more food into his mouth and sulking as he drank from his bottle of soda. 

Soon after the first few weeks, Jaebum began to miss days of calling, texting excuses that he would be travelling while Jinyoung was awake and sleeping while he was available, their schedules suddenly incompatible with each other. The times that Jinyoung could reach Jaebum, he finally managed to have enough courage to ask when he would be home next, bringing it up each and every time to be faced with the same reply: he didn’t know. The uncertainty didn’t help all of the emotions Jinyoung was now handling on a daily basis, the weight on his shoulders reminding him of the pent-up grudges and fake annoyances he carried around in college, especially the semester he and Jaebum had met. But in this current time, Jinyoung wasn’t creating the problems himself, the burden unfairly placed with him as his boyfriend went off to achieve his next dream, leaving him behind to deal with the consequences.

 

 

“I think we should take a break.”

There was a sudden silence and long pause on the other line, Jinyoung holding his breath as he forced those seven words out, calling Jaebum even when he said he wasn’t free. It had been over a month since Jaebum had left, only days until Jinyoung’s birthday, and he was tired of being pushed off and becoming something other than a priority to the older boy. Deciding to bring up the idea of a break to Jaebum hadn’t come easy, hours spent lying in the middle of Mark and Jackson’s living room floor as Mark edited photos from a recent client, listening to Jinyoung rant and spill his feelings out as he offered advice where he could. What Jinyoung hated most was the uncertainty of the entire situation, not wanting to waste his time pining after Jaebum when he had no idea when he would be back, feeling like a completely different person without him around.

“I don’t…,” Jaebum finally mumbled, voice broken. “I don’t understand.”

“I know you’ve only been gone a month, but…,” Jinyoung sighed, body curled into the corner of their sofa in the apartment. “It’s too hard for me and it’s unfair of me to ask you to give up whatever you’re doing just because I’m sad and lonely…” 

_And feeling abandoned. But, whatever._

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum sighed, obviously blindsided by the request. “It’s only been a month…”

“But a month could become three or six,” Jinyoung replied, trying his best to keep his anger under lock and key. “And you haven’t been able to tell me when I’ll even be able to see you next.”

“So you’d rather just give up?” Jaebum accused, Jinyoung pinching the bridge of his nose to keep himself focused on the conversation.

“No,” he stated calmly. “I’d rather let you work on your career and allow myself to focus on me. I think that’s what I need right now.”

“Don’t you know I love you?” Jaebum blurted out, his temper flaring with his words. “Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Of course I know you love me,” Jinyoung sighed, closing his eyes and running his slim fingers through his hair. “I love you too, but I really think we need this. We can… find ourselves or whatever shit people like to say.”

“I don’t need to do that,” Jaebum argued back, Jinyoung able to picture him gritting his teeth, jaw jutting out to contain himself. “I already know who I am. I thought you did, too.” 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung replied in a nearly detached voice, trying his very best to stay above petty arguments, knowing he couldn’t go back now that he had said what he wanted to. “Please. I need this.”

There was another long pause, Jinyoung listening as he heard Jaebum’s heavy breaths on the other line, indicating that he was holding himself back from punching the wall or kicking a chair, Jinyoung knowing his patterns during big fights and heavy confrontations. It was different to do this over the phone, but Jinyoung had no choice, needing to break the cycle before he got lost in it, his own life feeling loose and disjointed, realizing how much he depended on Jaebum for stability. That wasn’t who he was or what he wanted, so now his fate rested in Jaebum agreeing to their temporary separation, fingers crossed for the outcome he wished for. 

“Fine,” Jaebum groaned. “But take your shit and get out.”

“What?” Jinyoung was floored, not expecting Jaebum to come back with his own conditions, standing up in front of the sofa.

“You heard me,” Jaebum practically shouted, Jinyoung imagining his eyes wide as he would point to the door of their tiny apartment. “I’m paying for the goddamn place, so get out. Go stay with Mark, I’m sure he’s the one that gave you this incredible advice.”

“Jaebum, please,” Jinyoung whined, panic now flowing freely head to toe, hands shaking and feet pacing back and forth.

“Please?” Jaebum laughed sarcastically, his booming voice echoing between the walls of Jinyoung’s mind. “You’re the one that called me to break up and now you’re confused as to why I’m kicking you out? Are you fucking delirious?”

“It’s not a breakup, it’s just a break!” Jinyoung finally let some of his wild emotions free, shouting back at the same level as Jaebum. “I just need some time…”

“No!” Jaebum yelled and Jinyoung could swear the walls surrounding him shook. “It’s all or nothing, Jinyoung. I can’t do this. I already put so much on the line to make you happy, all that time to make sure you were comfortable and as soon as I do one thing for myself, one fucking thing to try and make our lives a little better, you want to bail. I’m done.” 

“Jaebum!” Jinyoung felt his tears fall out of frustration, yelling back with all the power he could manage. “You’re making a huge mistake, don’t you get it?" 

“I knew this would happen,” Jaebum didn’t stop, Jinyoung apparently ripping open a wound he didn’t even know existed. “I tried to tell myself you could handle this, but who was I kidding? You made it all about you like you always have. So fucking typical, _Jinyoungie_.”

 Jinyoung hadn’t heard his nickname spoken with so much sarcasm in years, his tears burning the sides of his face as he tried to think of the wittiest comeback he could but failed, his emotions short-circuiting because he was _sad_ and broken and abandoned and he couldn’t get Jaebum to see his side. As he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out, just a tiny squeak of a noise from his dry mouth, nose exposing him sniffling to Jaebum who only sighed, needing to have the last word. 

“Leave your key on the desk,” he stated, the most calm thing he had said all night. “Goodbye, Jinyoung.”

The line went dead, Jinyoung dropping his phone to the ground as he sunk into the couch, the environment around him immediately feeling uncomfortable and unwelcoming. He couldn’t process what had just happened. What he had spent hours considering and making a plan for to help himself through the physical distance between them had instantaneously ended their near-three year long relationship, Jaebum flipping the tables and conversation on him like he always had a talent for doing. Jinyoung didn’t have a plan in this case, never thinking that Jaebum would take that path, kicking him out to deal with his loneliness elsewhere. Jaebum was the one to keep him grounded, to talk him through everything, but this time, Jinyoung pushed him too far and there was no going back. 

While it was impossible to gather all of his things at once, Jinyoung took what was important to him and his wardrobe, stuffing it in his luggage and placing it by the door. Looking around, it felt like he could never truly gather all of what he considered his, he and Jaebum becoming one unit and melding together easily in all they did and owned. There were countless photographs and paperback novels Jinyoung couldn’t remember which he bought, only taking a couple, knowing Jaebum would probably have to drop off a box of whatever he left behind anyway. Once he had finished, he leaned against the desk in the bedroom, dialing Mark’s number.

“Hey, Jinyoung,” Mark answered nearly right away, Jinyoung giving him the heads up of when he would be asking Jaebum for a tiny timeframe apart. “How did it go?”

“Oh, you know,” Jinyoung chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. “He took it well. Told me to leave the key and get out.”

“No…,” Mark sighed, voice surprised by the outcome. “You guys didn’t…”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sighed, glancing over to the frame on the wall where the photo of himself under the string lights from their first date hung. “We did.”

“Fuck,” Mark mumbled, Jinyoung hearing something ruffling in the background. “I’m coming to get you.”

“Don’t tell Jackson,” Jinyoung tried to joke, words sounding more like a true warning than anything. “I don’t want to break his heart, too.”

“We’ll let him know together,” Mark stated, Jinyoung hearing keys jingling as he must have been getting ready to leave. “Be there soon.”

“Thanks,” Jinyoung muttered before hanging up, sighing as he held his own keyring in front of him, fingers trembling as he slid the brass key from its holder, sliding it next to a framed photo of Jinyoung and Jaebum from Jinyoung’s graduation, tears prickling at his eyes.

Forcing himself to leave the room, he stopped in the kitchen to get a glass of water, downing it quickly as he felt an eerie sense of calm wash over him. In the corner of his eye, Jinyoung didn’t miss the cactus that had been flourishing since the day he received it, the terra cotta pot it resided in cracked and reglued from other various fights where Jinyoung had tried to prove his point and failed. It was always a representation of their relationship, Jaebum having the perfect explanation of why he chose to buy it for Jinyoung before their first date, but everything had changed since they fell in love. Jinyoung wanted to take it with him, wanted so badly to keep it thriving wherever he went, but what was the point if the person who gave it to him didn’t seem to care? If he understood Jinyoung so well, why couldn’t he listen and see what Jinyoung was trying to say?

A slight buzz from Jinyoung’s cell phone snapped him out of his deep train of thoughts, Mark stating that he was waiting for him downstairs. Replying that he was on his way, Jinyoung reached up to the tiny plant, opening the garbage can and tossing it away before grabbing his bags and heading for the door, trying to keep his tears at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> how are you all doing? good? good. awesome. :)
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> thank you so much for continuing to read and subscribe, your comments and kudos mean the world to me! hopefully you don't feel like killing me after this chapter... but if you'd like to yell in my general direction, feel free to @ me on twitter: just switch the s and k in my username.


	3. Chapter 3

Jinyoung couldn’t remember the last time he was excited to dress up and go out to celebrate anything, nearly feeling like a shut-in with the amount of time he preferred to stay home and do nothing but read or watch television, his streaming queue still stacked to the brim with his favorite crime dramas. But this was a special night and he was grateful his mind was letting him embrace the excitement instead of having to fake a smile for Mark’s bachelor party, Jinyoung’s plans for the small group simple like Mark wanted, a time for everyone to relax before the big day. Besides Jinyoung, Mark had invited his brother, the few other photographers on staff at his business and a couple other guys he knew from working the wedding circuits, the group totalling seven people total, making it easy for Jinyoung to make a dinner reservation for their first stop.

The apartment that Jinyoung had been renting ever since using Mark and Jackson’s guest room for a month after being dumped via phone call over two years ago was smaller than the one he shared with Jaebum but felt emptier to have it all to himself, the closet only half-full with his many pairs of figure-fitting denim and overly-roomy slacks. Opting for a pair of black skinny jeans and a coordinating dress shirt, Jinyoung got dressed rather quickly, sliding his favorite belt through the loops and lacing up his black oxfords (no socks, the way he liked it). He still had a few drops of cologne in the bottle Jaebum had bought for him one birthday, deciding he could bear the memories that he associated with the scent for one night. Grabbing his favorite black sportcoat and sliding it on, Jinyoung received a message that the limousine he had coordinated for them all to take had arrived, getting his keys and wallet before he was out the door, down the stairs and outside, climbing into the back of the vehicle.

Before he knew it, the car had stopped outside of Mark’s house, Jinyoung getting out of the door as he watched the group exit, all walking together and greeting Jinyoung before sliding inside. Bringing up the rear was Mark and an individual Jinyoung didn’t recognize, refusing to admit might he be taller than him, bright eyes and a shy smile peering behind lengthy bangs.

“Jinyoung, I don’t think you and Yugyeom have met before,” Mark smiled, letting the two men shake hands in a friendly introduction. “He’s the events coordinator at one of the venues we’re always at for weddings downtown.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Jinyoung put on his most welcoming smile possible without knowing any other details about him. “If you’re a friend of Mark’s, I guess I’ll give you a chance.”

“He warned me about your sense of humor,” Yugyeom chuckled, height advantage a bit more obvious now that Jinyoung had to slightly look up to listen. “In fact, I’ve heard a lot about you from Mark and Jae-”

Mark’s hand clapped onto Yugyeom’s back, a loud smack cutting his words off before Jinyoung could reach his own hands out to strangle him. Offering a small apologetic smile, Mark forced Yugyeom into the backseat, Jinyoung’s eyes narrowing to send imaginary bullets in his direction. It was bad enough that most of these people were probably friends of both Mark’s and Jaebum’s, but now it had been confirmed by Yugyeom that the ties went deeper than he had anticipated, bracing himself for a night of Mark cutting in and dragging others away when the dreaded “J-word” was accidentally spoken. He knew Mark was just looking out for him as the breakup was over two years ago, but Jinyoung was still bitter and resentful, even if it wasn’t as one-sided as he made it seem.

Once everyone was inside, they were on their way to the first stop: dinner at a trendy restaurant downtown of Mark’s choice. The group was fairly chatty and Jinyoung even surprised himself by how much he joined in, casually speaking with the people he had met before, catching up on their lives while also learning more about Yugyeom from the boy himself. Ever since Mark’s _gentle_ reminder to avoid a certain subject, he seemed a bit nervous to speak to Jinyoung directly, eyes meeting with Mark’s before he replied, Jinyoung’s grudge against him fading slightly and replaced with a subtle sense of amusement. If he was being honest, it was nice to feel the old familiar feeling of having an advantage in a social interaction, Jinyoung’s ego getting a nice boost from the easy conversation.

The driver alerted the party as he parked in front of the restaurant, everyone leaving one by one and heading inside, Jinyoung giving his name for the reservation. The bubbly hostess smiled and led them to a private party room already set for them, Mark sitting at the head of the table with Jinyoung to his right. After ordering a round of drinks for everyone and placing their orders, the conversation continued, Jinyoung silently thanking whoever at the restaurant granted them their own private space to be as rowdy as they wanted to be, the drinks continuing to flow, Jinyoung sticking with his favorite craft beer and making sure Mark’s cup was always full. Dinner was served moments later, Jinyoung savoring his medium-rare steak with potatoes, knowing he deserved such a wonderful dish after putting together this whole night for his best friend.

While Mark and Jinyoung had been known for being able to exist in comfortable silence most of their friendship, it was the complete opposite that night, Mark’s laugh almost as boisterous as his significant other’s, Jinyoung shocked that Jackson wasn’t sitting right there with them. Even after they had settled the bill and met back with the driver and limo, the jokes and laughter continued, Jinyoung popping open a bottle of champagne on the way to their next stop, cheeks flushed from the familiar warmth of alcohol. As Jinyoung let Mark’s other pals entertain him, he sat back in a corner next to his new friend Yugyeom, still owning the fact that one nasty glance could probably produce tears from the boy’s eyes, keeping that nugget for a rainy day.

“So, you deal with a lot of weddings?” Jinyoung asked, the dumb question acceptable with how much he had already drank that night, Yugyeom not seeming to care about the generic inquiry.

“Tons,” he smiled, leaning back next to Jinyoung. “I’ve seen it all and I’ve only been doing this for a couple years. I can’t imagine what everyone that’s been doing it for decades has learned.”

“I can only guess,” Jinyoung laughed, helping himself to a refill. “If I saw half of what you have, I bet I’d never want to get married. Relationships are already trouble enough.”

“I don’t know,” Yugyeom shrugged, a small smile on his face showing Jinyoung that he was choosing to be careful with his explanation. “Sometimes things can go wrong, but the ones that get it right show me that it’s okay to believe that marriage can be a beautiful thing.”

“Really?” Jinyoung could throw up if he could, the antiquated idea of finding your soulmate in the millions of people on earth at the right time and place boggling to him again, unable to feel like it would ever be him in that position. “I don’t buy it.”

“I don’t blame you,” Yugyeom laughed, surprising Jinyoung as they drank more together. “It’s not for everyone. I think people make too many assumptions about that.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sighed, trying to keep his mind from wandering to places he swore he erased years ago. “But what can you do? You have to make yourself your first priority.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Yugyeom grinned, clinking his glass against Jinyoung’s, both knocking back the remaining liquid without hesitating.

 

 

Jinyoung’s next stop for them was an area of town lined with bars, letting them go place to place to take a celebratory shot before moving to the next, trying to con others into paying for Mark’s final outing as a unmarried man. While he had no problem planning the night and tagging along, Jinyoung was thankful that Mark’s friends were more outgoing and talkative than Jinyoung, allowing him to settle into his own comfortable world, sometimes observing more than he was participating. However, he still managed to grab a drink at every stop, not slowing down by any means, still conversing and teasing Yugyeom who seemed to be more of a lightweight than Jinyoung was even with an extra inch or two of height.

At one of the seedier bars, Jinyoung had been sitting in the corner next to Mark as his friends all cheered him on for finishing a flight of shots in record time, cheering and pounding on the surface to encourage him to victory. Overwhelmed by the noise, Jinyoung glanced across to witness a guy around his age sitting with his drink, a stranger approaching him with a smile before the other individual asked if the seat next to his was taken. It was a scene Jinyoung had found himself in countless times before, afraid to admit that yes, he had gone to bars alone during the past couple years of his life and yes, he had been approached by other people, too. But unlike the guy across the bar he was trying so desperately to find himself in, he rarely let them in easily, shrugging them off in favor of staying a little bit longer, contemplating how he wanted to spend his night. While most of the time he went home alone, he wasn’t completely a stranger to casual sex, hooking up briefly in the months that followed his big breakup. But as much as Jinyoung hated to even consider that he had changed, Jaebum left a bigger impression on him than he could admit, finding that one night stands weren’t very fun anymore, craving that attachment and comfort he had found with Jaebum, somewhat lost without being with someone who knew him as well as Jaebum always did.

Of course, Jinyoung did eventually find himself in a brief relationship between the breakup and that current moment with someone he had met through Jackson’s vast network of friends and acquaintances, the tryst beginning with a blind date he had begrudgingly accepted after Mark reminded him that he needed to make an effort for things to change. It was with a boy named Hyuk who Jinyoung found handsome at first sight, something he never tended to admit with boys who randomly appeared in his life. While Jinyoung thought the date would be the usual played out dinner and a movie, the other boy had actually purchased tickets to a concert for them to attend together, Jinyoung enjoying the change of pace by dancing in a crowd of people with his new romantic interest, the stale taste of beer on each other’s lips as they kissed goodbye outside of the club once the show had ended. Jinyoung swore he could feel the butterflies begin to return as he got into a cab to head home, but once the driver turned the next corner, he caught a glimpse of the alley with the string lights that he had grown too familiar with, sulking in his seat until he returned home. Luckily, he was able to sleep off the unpleasant reminder of what was once his, giving Hyuk a text the next morning to thank him for the fun night out and to plan something again.

After a more traditional dinner date that was followed by Jinyoung inviting him back to his place, they slept together, Jinyoung actually letting someone else occupy his bed with him all night, waking up to a warm embrace, but not the smell of breakfast and coffee, another memory he would have to make a note to rebury very soon. The pattern of casual dating continued until Hyuk brought up becoming exclusive, Jinyoung agreeing without hesitation because it felt nice to have someone around that would listen to him and laugh at his dry jokes, offering him a sense of companionship he hadn’t felt in months. But as time went on, Jinyoung realized it was harder to trust someone after experiencing a rough breakup like he had with Jaebum, constantly comparing the two men without meaning to, frustrating Hyuk in the process.

The one thing Jinyoung learned the quickest was that not everyone was willing to be as patient as Jaebum during the beginning stages of a relationship, having expectations on how often they would see each other or how much they should communicate throughout a given period of time. Based on his track record, Jinyoung should have guessed his lack of urgency to text or call someone back that wasn’t considered a priority would bite him in the ass, the other boy quick to ask if something was wrong if Jinyoung had taken his sweet time to reply. It had been less than three months before Jinyoung had gone from barely putting in effort to continue conversations to completely silent, Hyuk awkwardly sending him a breakup text at an odd hour of the night, Jinyoung only able to laugh at how he had forced someone else to give up on him with his lack of concern for the health of their relationship. Mark and Jackson found it a little less funny but were still somewhat amused, Mark teasing that it wouldn’t be as easy to find another Jaebum look-a-like in Jackson’s sprawling list of contacts, the realization crashing over Jinyoung like a ton of bricks.

But in that bar on the night of Mark’s bachelor party, Jinyoung was satisfied to not be the single guy across the bar, but rather the supportive best friend who only wanted the best for the outing, happy to continue to drink and celebrate throughout the rest of the evening. While it wasn’t necessarily planned, Jinyoung had noticed a karaoke bar on the strip a few doors down from their current location, attempting to get the attention of everyone in the group to see if it was of interest to all of them. Completely inebriated, the idea was unanimously accepted, the rest of the party chipping in to cover their tab with the bartender before stumbling out, Jinyoung leading the drunk party to the club down the street.

Stepping inside, the bar was a large and open space filled with neon decorations, a bar running along the one side with a modest stage at the front, microphones and monitors for lyrics set up in front. A couple was jokingly serenading each other to some song from the 90s in front of the crowd that was drinking and clapping along, Jinyoung getting a kick out of how terribly amazing this idea was certainly going to be.

“Come on, Mark!” One of the photographers Mark employed shouted, slinging an arm over his shoulders. “You’re up first, bachelor!”

As some of the party went to put their names and song choices in the queue, Jinyoung went to the bar, opening a tab and ordering himself something much stronger than he had been drinking all night, ready to end the night on a high note - literally. Yugyeom was on the same page, ordering some shots, the two of them toasting to each other to encourage themselves to finish in record time, Jinyoung laughing as Yugyeom nearly fell out of his stool during the final round. It felt great to be out without the pressure of romance, happy to be with his new friend and see his best friend enjoy himself, Mark currently being ushered up with the help of his brother before beginning what was a very off-key version of a pop song that everyone knew from that summer. Once he finished, Jinyoung rushed up to the front of the stage, clapping loudly and attempting to whistle, Mark bowing and accepting the applause before joining Jinyoung back at the bar, the younger boy buying him a drink to celebrate the dazzling performance.

“And to think I didn’t plan this part at all,” Jinyoung giggled. “You’re a total natural.”

“Maybe someone will sign me to a record deal,” Mark laughed, leaning against the bar. “I can tour the country with that performance alone.”

“Only if I can come on as your opening act,” Jinyoung argued, pointing in Mark’s face, finger wavering as he started to realize how much he had drank in the little time they had been in this specific location.

“How do I know if you’re good enough?” Mark smirked, pointing to the stage behind them. “You have to audition.”

“It’s on, Tuan,” Jinyoung backed away slowly, straw from his drink still fixed in his mouth as he went to the edge of the stage, selecting a song and waiting his turn, finishing his beverage and getting another beer before his name was called. It wasn’t like him to be so bold to perform in front of anyone, especially because he never considered his voice to be, well, _anything_ of note, never focusing on how he sounded, enjoying only to sing along to a radio in a car he never rode in any more. But he was more than drunk enough to run up on stage once it was his turn, grip the microphone tight and point his finger across the crowd before the song began.

“This is for my best friend, Mark,” Jinyoung stated, Mark acting as if he was on the receiving end of a thank you speech at some prestigious award show, hand placed over his heart. “He’s getting married soon and I love him very much, so I wanted to sing a song for him.”

When the song began, Jinyoung dramatically dropped his head down, reaching his hand out that was gripping the neck of his beer bottle before the first notes left his mouth, his voice definitely altered by the liquor in his veins. Mark didn’t seem to mind or notice in his drunken state, standing near the stage as he cheered him on, pumping up the rest of the bachelor party attendees to encourage him as well, Jinyoung soaking up the attention to push himself to move a bit on stage, moving his hips to the rhythm of the music. As he seemed to get a bigger reaction to his dancing than from his singing, Jinyoung added more moves to his choreography, turning his body in all directions to more and more applause. While sober Jinyoung wouldn’t dare to do what he was currently in the middle of, drunk Jinyoung loved every eye on him, basking in the attention everyone was offering.

The song came to an end, Jinyoung marching off stage triumphantly into a giant group hug led by Mark, the older boy holding Jinyoung’s face in both hands, shouting slurred celebratory phrases in his direction. Wrapping his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, the older boy led him back to the bar for another round of drinks, the rest of the party already back in line to add their names to the list, excitement buzzing all around. Unexpectedly, Jinyoung found a line of shots in his view as Mark elbowed him in the side, raising one eyebrow before the took each in unison, the younger boy thinking back to all the times they drank and pregamed together before heading off to a party on campus, brains turning to mush before they even left their dorm room.

Jinyoung loved the warmth radiating inside of him from getting plastered without consequences with his best friend. With the limo waiting outside, he knew he had no limits, testing himself to see how far he could go, vision becoming blurry and words slurring even worse. Between the drinks he and Yugyeom had shared to the shots he just inhaled, Jinyoung swore he could float away, happy to live on a drunken cloud for the rest of the evening. However, suddenly, a body was in the personal area to his left, leaning into the bar, Jinyoung somehow not drunk enough to ignore the shift in atmosphere surrounding him.

“Is that what you’re drinking?” Jaebum’s hand motioned over to the stack of glasses in front of Jinyoung, the younger boy unable to ignore the small twinkle in his eye. “Let me order you something better.”

_Of all the karaoke bars in the world, this would be the one this asshole would pick._

Before Jinyoung could figure out a reply to whatever his brain had processed Jaebum as saying, a loud shriek and streak of light brunette hair rushed past him and into the arms of Mark, giggling and squealing with delight. With Jaebum came Jackson, lips already all over his fiancé’s face, the drunken state of Mark’s mind allowing him to keep up his energy to match Jackson’s. Once he was satisfied with the oversized grin on Mark’s mouth, Jackson let out another loud holler, moving to Jinyoung and squeezing him tight, Jinyoung’s eyes bulging out at the sheer strength Jackson was accidentally exuding.

“I’m so happy I could see you tonight!” Jackson beamed, finally letting Jinyoung take a breath. “It didn’t feel right to party without you, Jinyoung.”

“I know,” Jinyoung forced a smile, steadying his tipsy self on the stool. “But things… happen.”

Jinyoung didn’t miss the soft snort from the man to his side, holding back his eyeroll to accompany it. Seeing Jackson so happy, partly from however much he had already drank that night, mostly from seeing his soulmate and Jinyoung unplanned, made Jinyoung bite his tongue, forcing himself to act on his best behavior for the sake of the person he considered his second closest friend, placing his hand on his shoulder and offering his most genuine forced smile.

“Now the parties can be one,” Jinyoung suggested, trying to be the best sport his drunk self could offer. “But you already missed Mark’s performance. Maybe he’ll go sign up again for an encore.”

“Oh my god, he should!” Jackson clapped in glee, turning back to his fiancé and grabbing his hand tight. “Please, Yi-En? For me?”

“Jia-Er,” Mark whined, a flush of embarrassment creeping onto his cheeks, Jackson turning on his charm and pouting until Mark seemed to collapse from the adorable pressure. “Fine, but only if you do it, too.”

That was all the confirmation Jackson needed, tugging Mark away by his sleeve, leaving Jinyoung all alone with someone he barely had spoken a word to in over a year. Turning back to face the bar, there was a single glass waiting for him on a cocktail napkin, Jaebum staring straight ahead to the shelves at the back of the bar, sipping from what seemed to be the same combination. Jinyoung didn’t know what to do, wishing he could make a scene and throw the entire thing in Jaebum’s face, but he had to keep everything civil for the sake of Mark and Jackson, sighing before beginning to play with the straw.

“I didn’t know you had planned to be here,” Jaebum said softly, eyes still fixed ahead, glass resting in his hand. “If I did, I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

“Yeah, well,” Jinyoung continued to swirl the ice around, hesitating to take a drink. “I didn’t plan on it either. We were just in the area.”

“Hm,” Jaebum hummed thoughtfully, finally turning his head to face Jinyoung. “Guess fate has a twisted sense of humor.”

Jinyoung picked his head up from staring at the beverage below, looking at Jaebum’s face head-on before knocking the entire drink back in an impressive gulp. Sure, he had seen Jaebum grow and mature during their time together, but that night, Jaebum’s hair was styled up like he always liked it, jawline sharper than ever, the two tiny dots above his left eye that Jinyoung had pressed countless kisses onto obscured by a thick pair of black-rimmed glasses. It was unfair that he could show up looking like he didn’t give a shit about how he looked while Jinyoung had agonized briefly over what he would be most comfortable in, jacket a little too warm for the occasion. With every moment of silence that passed, the air grew thicker and denser, leading Jinyoung to order something else to refresh his palate, trying to return to his previous amount of buzz.

“I’m back for good,” Jaebum broke the pattern of having nothing at all to say, returning to face the bar. “Figured you should hear it from me before the word got out.”

“Why should I care?” Jinyoung asked, offering a sarcastic laugh at the small bit of information. “We aren’t friends.”

“I just thought you should know,” Jaebum explained, face still relatively emotionless as he worked on his drink. “I know you don’t like surprises.”

“Maybe I’ve changed,” Jinyoung suggested, raising an eyebrow. “Ever thought about that? It’s been a long time, Jaebum.”

“Jinyoung, I’m not going to argue with you,” Jaebum resigned, finishing his drink and ordering another for both of them. “This night is supposed to be fun and about our friends. Let’s keep it that way.”

Jinyoung went to open his mouth to argue back, instead settling on an annoyed huff before taking the new drink, downing it quickly before ordering something else for himself. He didn’t know who to blame, Jaebum or fate, but he knew he could control himself and the actions he would take the rest of the night. Jaebum was right about the night needing to be fun, Jinyoung leaving his seat in order to find the rest of Mark’s party, finding them intertwined with everyone that had been with Jackson, careful to not act too sloppy as he settled back next to Yugyeom who was making conversation with a leggy boy with a mess of artificially colored hair on top of his head. His name was Bambam and he worked with Jackson at the same PR firm, sharing a similar outgoing personality that Jinyoung would find grating otherwise, the familiar floating feeling of a drunken stupor rushing from head to toe.

Just as Jinyoung had made himself more comfortable away from his ex-boyfriend who had taken up residence at the corner of the bar, Mark and Jackson took the stage by storm, the background music starting up some cheesy duet, both grown men holding onto each other for support. If Jinyoung had considered himself a romantic, he might have commended the two for showing their love together on stage by picking such a sugary-sweet tune, but Jinyoung was a bitter slighted man, preferring to laugh at their stumbles and slurs of the well-known lyrics, the rest of the parties singing along to encourage everyone to give them cheers and applause. While the unexpected appearance by the other party had thrown him off, Jinyoung couldn’t help but admit that it seemed right to celebrate all together, even if there was a continued fracture in their unit, Jinyoung glancing back over his shoulder to see if Jaebum was still sitting in place. As if he knew what the younger boy was thinking telepathically, Jaebum’s eyes were already focused on Jinyoung’s space, forcing him to snap forward and hide the embarrassment he desperately didn’t want to expose.

Inspired by the two grooms-to-be, the rest of the party dominated the singing queue the rest of the night, Jinyoung choosing to embrace his drunken ways and dance along with Yugyeom and his new pal without a second thought. If he was getting drunk for fun before, it was almost an instinct after seeing someone he resented, coping with the encounter the only way he knew how. It was like every party he had attended that first semester he knew Jaebum: drinking away the pain and feelings he wanted to hide, ending up as a burden to those around him. Even as the bar announced last call, Jinyoung continued to ignore mostly everyone around him, oblivious to the parties gathering up to leave. Head still clearly in the clouds and on the verge of blacking out, Jinyoung attempted to close his tab, struggling to fill out the receipt, the one last person from the two parties still left with him helping him with the numbers.

Without looking up, Jinyoung knew who it was, not wanting to admit that he was thankful for the assistance, preferring to shove his credit card deep in his pocket and attempt to spin and walk away out of the club, head held high. But a step and a half later, Jinyoung tripped over his own feet, falling to the ground in a limp heap, groaning to himself as his cheek was pressed to the cool floor below him. Of all the times he thought he could walk, this had to be the most cringeworthy, aware of the sole audience member who was witnessing everything. But Jinyoung didn’t have much time to pity himself, Jaebum already at his side, hoisting him up with one arm around his middle, barely stopping to adjust before leading him outside. It wasn’t the worst feeling in the world, having Jaebum’s arm around his back like he frequently seemed to do when Jinyoung didn’t know his own limits with alcohol. But it lacked the comforting touch that Jaebum’s firm grip used to have, Jinyoung subtly yearning for that feeling, pressing his body against Jaebum’s side in an attempt to somehow extract a tiny percentage of how it used to be.

“What are you doing?” Jaebum asked, eyebrow raised as he attempted to walk for two, opening the door with his hip and determining the direction the parties had headed. “If you’re trying to help, you’re doing a terrible job.”

“Why would I be trying to help?” Jinyoung teased, a giggle low in his throat. “You’re the one that picked me off the ground, you could have left me there to fend for myself.”

“I’m not the kind of person that would just leave someone like that,” Jaebum replied, Jinyoung’s mind processing them with another meaning, memories flooding back to when Jaebum had accepted the job and said goodbye at the airport only to leave Jinyoung feeling abandoned. It was a wound that always seemed to stay fresh, never able to completely heal as long as Jinyoung was only one degree of separation away from Jaebum and his life without him, prepared to handle any updates or news his friends would casually mention. As if he could hear what Jinyoung was thinking, Jaebum went quiet, head down before stopping and adjusting his hold on Jinyoung, holding him upright by his shoulders.

By the time they had reached the group, both limos were lined up next to each other, everyone just splitting themselves however they wanted as they all were casual friends. Mark and Jackson had resorted to their old ways, ignoring everyone around them and making out against the side of one of the vehicles, Mark nearly pinning Jackson back against the hood of the car with his knee in a very suggestive position. The drivers seemed to be patient and willing to do extra work for a nice tip, Yugyeom and Bambam slipping a few bills to the driver of the car with the couple making out on top of it, the man willingly honking the horn to jostle them apart, sending a wave of laughter through the party. Jinyoung was completely oblivious to what was happening around them, eyes fluttering back as he tried to fight off another spell of blacking out, unsuccessfully battling the urge to stay alert in his former lover’s arms.

As if fate itself had forced its way back into Jinyoung’s life, the younger boy rode back with his head resting comfortably on Jaebum’s shoulder, eyes closed and unaware of the older boy sitting stiffly and cold, hands perched on each knee. Like a force of habit by just being in his presence, Jinyoung’s fingertips gently grazed Jaebum’s thigh before his hand settled on top of Jaebum’s, the older boy frozen in place by the simple gesture Jinyoung would eventually blame on his outrageous levels of intoxication.

_Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Dumbass._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone! Figured we'd start 2017 off with something a tiny bit lighter than the angst from the previous chapter. Are you happy to have Jaebum and Jackson back?
> 
> The amount of feedback I received from the previous chapter was stunning - thank you so much for continuing to read and comment! I know things are rough, especially when we know everything Jinyoung went through in Citation, but hang in there and we'll all make it through.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> (As always, twitter: switch the k and s in jackson in my username here.)


	4. Chapter 4

While Jinyoung tried not to pay attention to the passing of time, it had been almost three months since Jaebum had broken up with him on the phone, leaving him to find a new place to live and ultimately find himself a new life. Mark and Jackson had been nothing but generous by letting him stay in their guest room until he found something which he did relatively easily, setting his things up and settling in as well as he could all alone. Work had gone from boring to a different shade of drab, still plugging away at the same rate, doing what he could to make the time pass as fast as possible before he ventured to the bar or home, the nights always ending a little too quietly and cold for his liking.

Jinyoung had never been on the receiving end of a break up and he most certainly hadn’t been in a serious relationship before Jaebum, but he assumed he was taking it well, focusing on himself more than ever. He found that when he would read a new book or go for a drive, he could forget who he was the past few years, temporarily erasing Jaebum from his memories even if it still somehow felt bittersweet. That wasn’t to say Jinyoung had found peace with the older boy; Jaebum had never bothered to call again and Jinyoung wasn’t going to be the first to make that move either. There were times when Jinyoung woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, hand immediately reaching out to only find an empty space next to him. Other nights, Jinyoung wanted to punch every wall in his apartment, frustrated and isolated from the people who once were so close to him.

He was heartbroken. Who wouldn’t have been after what had happened between them? It had taken Jinyoung a long time to figure out that he needed a break for personal reasons, wanting to learn more about the person he had become and what he really wanted in life. Jaebum obviously saw it differently, and Jinyoung knew that things ran deeper than the other boy made it seem. There was no way that Jaebum, _his_ Jaebum that thought everything through twice, that always knew what to say and where he was going, didn’t already see it coming. Coming to terms with that fact left Jinyoung more wistful than angry, torn apart that their breakdown in communication fueled their demise. When asked by Jackson one night spent at his house if Jinyoung ever saw them getting back together, Jinyoung couldn’t answer, not knowing how their paths would ever align if Jaebum would continue to go up while he stalled in place.

Almost three months to the day since the break up, Jaebum called. It was a Friday night and Jinyoung had just gotten home with his takeout order for the night, deciding to crack open a bottle of beer to wash it all down with. Looking down at his phone rattling across the table, Jinyoung recognized the number immediately, having erased the name weeks ago from his phone. It was Jaebum and he panicked, frozen in place as he watched his phone vibrate over and over, unsure of what he should do. If he answered, he was giving into what Jaebum clearly wanted, showing that he could bear to speak to him, even for just a moment. But if he ignored it, Jaebum would know Jinyoung was doing it on purpose, testing the limits of what had happened between them.

_Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Pick it up and hold your breath…_

“H-Hello?” Jinyoung stuttered out after picking up the device with barely enough time to answer the call, hand pressing the device to his ear, anxiously waiting a response.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum replied softly, almost in a whisper. “I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d answer.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung replied, trying to keep his words as short as possible to show his disinterest. “I almost didn’t.”

“Oh,” Jaebum sighed, the older boy sounding more anxious than Jinyoung had ever heard him before, trying to figure out what it all meant. “I’m glad you did.”

Jinyoung didn’t really know what to say to that, mind pulling him in ten different directions of what it could mean. Was Jaebum glad he picked up because it was a test after all and he wanted to prove to himself that he still had some sort of power over the younger boy? Was he glad because it showed that Jinyoung wasn’t the same asshole he had fallen in love with at the library years ago? Was he glad because Jinyoung was giving him the time of day after dropping off the face of the planet and falling into some strange void that only let Jackson speak to him once this entire time?

“What do you want, Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked, sounding tired of the conversation already even if he had only spoken a couple lines. He heard the other clear his throat, taking a deep breath.

“I’m back in town and I’d like to talk,” he stated simply, words slightly rushed. “To you. About… things.”

“Things?” Jinyoung asked, trying to stifle his insulting bit of laughter. “What about them?”

“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum whined slightly, the voice so foreign to Jinyoung at this point as he had already tried to forget some of the other boy’s habits. “It’s important to me.”

“You really have some nerve calling me up for the first time since you broke up with me over a phone call,” Jinyoung spat, unable to keep every emotion in check. “You dump me and kick me out and suddenly you need to talk and I’m just supposed to _give in_?”

“We can do it in public,” Jaebum rushed the suggestion, the desperation obvious at this point. “The coffee shop on campus. It won’t even take twenty minutes. Please?”

Listening to Jaebum slightly grovel to him was enjoyable, but Jinyoung needed to stand his ground. Could he even be in the same room as Jaebum for that long? He wasn’t sure, but chewing him out over the phone didn’t seem to be working as well as he had hoped, so he had to compromise to postpone his victory another day.

“Fine,” Jinyoung gritted out. “Tomorrow. Noon. I’ll be timing you.”

“Thank you,” Jaebum sighed in relief, sounding thankful that Jinyoung gave in to his small request. “I guess I’ll see you-”

Just because Jinyoung had given Jaebum an inch didn’t mean he’d offer much more, preferring to end the call on his terms in the middle of Jaebum’s sentence, smirking to himself as he began to enjoy his half-warm takeout dinner.

 

 

Waking up to his alarm and a head full of theories as to what Jaebum would want to talk about, Jinyoung groaned as he forced himself out of bed and into the shower, muttering to the shower tiles about how he shouldn’t have agreed to something before late afternoon on one of his days off. He thought he had been doing well by ignoring what had happened, trying to move on with his life, but it seemed like Jaebum would get his way, Jinyoung going through the motions until he was finished getting ready, dressed in his favorite pair of tight jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, something comfortable but also an ensemble that Jaebum loved on him. It was petty, but Jinyoung didn’t care, hoping that Jaebum would at least have some tiny bit of regret for what had happened months before.

The drive to the coffee shop was brief, the familiar sidewalk in front busy with students rushing in and out as the semester seemed to be coming to an end. It was bittersweet visiting a place that he loved so much during his time in school, also the source of his income he used to live with Jaebum the first year they were together. Memories swirling around his head, Jinyoung stepped inside and took a look around, noticing Jaebum hadn’t arrived before he ordered a large black coffee, taking a seat in a two-top table by the window. He barely had enough time to take a sip before Jaebum was walking in, ordering the same and finding the table, Jinyoung sitting up a bit straighter as he glanced ahead to the other man.

He didn’t know how to feel. Something inside of Jinyoung was trying to pull him across the table, wanting nothing more than to feel his strong arms around his shoulders, burying his face in his neck to soak up his scent. His lips almost trembled as if they were waiting for a kiss that wasn’t about to happen, Jinyoung biting down on the lower part to cease the temptation. It wasn’t from the coffee, but Jinyoung’s fingers trembled a bit, placing them between his thighs to stop things from getting out of control.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Jaebum said simply, Jinyoung’s body still trying to react. “I promise I won’t waste your time.”

“That’s for me to decide,” Jinyoung retorted, a nasty little grin on his face as his fingers stilled enough to hold his cup of coffee without showing any signs of distress. “But please, proceed with whatever is so important.”

It went quiet. If Jinyoung was being honest, Jaebum looked dead inside. His skin, while having a slight bronze sheen to it from his tropical travels, looked dull and lifeless, a slight shadow of facial hair running along his chin and jawline. His lips were chapped and his eyes seemed to never settle on one thing for long. While there may have been a perfectly good reason for it, he wasn’t wearing any earrings through all the piercings in his ears, hair flat against his forehead. Jinyoung had to mentally restrain himself from his instincts, to reach out and touch his forehead and ask what was wrong, but he needed to stand his ground, to show who he was without Jaebum around.

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum began, voice a little hesitant, but otherwise present. “I’m sorry for doing what I did on the phone. It was insensitive of me and I didn’t have the right to throw you out like that. I knew you had a place to go, but… I shouldn’t have done that.”

Jinyoung wasn’t impressed. If this is what Jaebum wanted to talk about, why did he have to drag him out in public on his day off? They could be talking on the phone in their own respective apartments while Jinyoung was in sweatpants, but no, Jaebum wanted to speak in person. So, what was his deal?

“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked, an eyebrow raised as he looked across the table. “You called me here to apologize for dumping me?”

“No,” Jaebum sighed, looking down at his cup as he played with the cardboard sleeve. “I’m apologizing for doing it over the phone and kicking you out so quickly.”

“Hm,” Jinyoung tried to bite his tongue, the anger he thought he had subdued rising under his skin. “So, you’re not sorry for breaking up with me?”

“Well, I…,” Jaebum stumbled, Jinyoung wanting to laugh in his face because _of course_ Jaebum wasn’t going to apologize for something he wanted to do. It was so obvious; Jinyoung knew that coming here was for appearances only, so that Jaebum could clear his conscience for acting like a coward thousands of miles away. But now that Jinyoung was in his presence physically, he was going to take advantage of that, willing to tear Jaebum to pieces for the act he was putting on for himself.

“Outstanding,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “Let me ask, how long did you know you were going to dump me? Weeks? Months? God, I should have guessed it when you cried at the airport. You fucking knew then, didn’t you?”

“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum hissed, head snapping up to finally look him in the eye again. “It wasn’t like that…”

“You definitely knew for at least a few weeks,” Jinyoung continued, ignoring the other’s pleas to stop. “You know, I didn’t try to convince you to stay because I didn’t think you would. I thought you would accuse me of holding you back again and well… who would I be if I didn’t keep the great Im Jaebum from reaching his full potential.”

“God, you are such a prick, Jinyoung!” Jaebum’s voice reverberated around the shop, the few patrons looking in their direction, trying to see what the fuss was about. “You act like you’re so… you’re so _innocent_ in all of this when I tried my fucking best to make things work. Did you know that, Jinyoung? That I tried to make things better and you wouldn’t let me?”

“Oh, _I’m_ the one who stopped you?” Jinyoung was furious now, unable to stay still while answering Jaebum’s outlandish claims. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to find a new job or buy a house together or act like our friends do because that’s not who I am and you know it! I’m only 23, I’m still young! I still have so much potential to work up to!”

“Yeah?” Jaebum asked, eyes narrow and focused. “When are you ever going to live up to it?”

The question was slick with venom, slicing right through to Jinyoung’s heart. It was clear in that moment: Jaebum’s expectations of Jinyoung were too much for him to live up to, the dreamy, perfect Jinyoungie Jaebum wanted to know and love had faded away, leaving him stuck with some defective version that had grown outdated over the years. He wasn’t enough for Jaebum. Even if Jinyoung had done those things for Jaebum, he would have seen through it, realizing that Jinyoung didn’t want those things at the same time he did. They had grown apart, Jaebum wanting more than what he was getting, leaving Jinyoung stranded and abandoned, far behind where his boyfriend wanted to get to.

For the first time in a very long time, Jinyoung was speechless. If he thought he had felt hurt over the phone call that broke them apart, he was injured ten times as bad now, head echoing Jaebum’s statement that he had potential, but apparently he was wasting it in every sense of the word. Eyes pooling with tears, Jinyoung looked down at his cup, wanting to scream, wanting to reach over and hit Jaebum with all of his strength. But heartbreak wasn’t letting him reach those points, realizing that he had dug his own grave only for Jaebum to push him in it, reaching a hand up to climb out to no help.

“Is that it?” Jinyoung barely mumbled, looking up through watery eyes. “Anything else you’d like say while I’m still at your mercy?”

“No,” Jaebum sighed, eyes softer, Jinyoung recognizing his common look of regret, knowing that even Jaebum knew he had said too much, revealed too many of his deeply ingrained feelings. “That’s it.”

Jinyoung stood up from the table, his chair making a horrifying screech as it slid behind him, the younger boy slinging on his jacket, unable to fasten all of the buttons through his blurring vision. All he wanted was to get the hell out of there before Jaebum saw him cry, not wanting to give him any more ammunition for future use. It was embarrassing enough that at least seven strangers knew every tiny detail they had practically shouted at each other, but Jinyoung didn’t want to add more to that pile, snatching his cup before looking down at Jaebum one last time.

“To think that I thought you were...,” Jinyoung couldn’t bring himself to say the last words, hoping Jaebum could speculate on his own what he was insinuating, shaking his head quickly and wiping his tears on his sleeve. Jaebum’s expression was blank again, eyes shifting back down to his coffee, letting Jinyoung slip one more offended scoff before rushing out of the shop, tears rolling down his cheeks. Jinyoung tried his best to keep himself composed until he unlocked his car, slipping inside and slamming the door, leaning his forehead against the steering wheel and letting out an uncontrollable sob, the bitterness and anger trading themselves for hurt and regret. From what he had hoped would be a civil conversation filled with apologies and possibilities of a future reconciliation, Jinyoung instead had found out that things were never going to be the same and it was all his fault.

 

***

 

Snapping awake in a cool sweat, Jinyoung didn’t know where he had ended up after a night of hard partying with Mark and his friends. The last thing he could remember from the karaoke bar was dancing and singing along to some songs with Yugyeom and Bambam, eyes flickering over and glancing back at his ex-boyfriend who had unceremoniously shown up and interrupted the good life he was living without him. It was fate, Jinyoung assumed, the way they fell back into each other’s lives after not speaking since Jaebum had tried to explain his side at the coffee shop almost two years ago, instead insulting Jinyoung’s entire existence with only a few sentences.

Eyes searching around his space, it was almost instantaneous that he recognized the four walls of the bedroom he once shared with Jaebum, everything almost still in its same designated space. The last time Jinyoung had slept here was the night before he asked Jaebum for a break, sleeping in that same bed all alone. Climbing out of the bed, Jinyoung took a moment to look around and observe more, taking the entire space in piece by piece. The bedding was a little different and Jaebum had moved some of his things back to where they had been before Jinyoung had moved there, but it was the same place he knew nonetheless, an eerie feeling brewing in the pit of his stomach. What really threw Jinyoung for a loop was the framed photo of himself standing in the alley on their first date, the image still proudly hanging near the desk, even if a thin layer of dust had accumulated on the surface. As he was about to reach out and touch it, the door creaked open, Jinyoung jumping back into the chair and nearly falling over as Jaebum stepped inside.

“Oh, good, you’re up” Jaebum said simply, looking over at Jinyoung as he fought off the chair. “Breakfast is in the kitchen.”

With that simple statement, he left, leaving Jinyoung to stand still, stunned at the lack of a reaction. What was going through Jaebum’s mind? Did he want Jinyoung to feel comfortable after he obviously brought him back here after he blacked out? Was he trying to get more information out of him seeing as they hadn’t spoken in 24 months? If he was cooking, did that mean he made the potatoes he loved so much that Jinyoung always tried to replicate, but failed miserable at each time?

_You’re in your ex-home with your ex-boyfriend and all you can think about is potatoes? Get a grip, please?_

Taking his time before leaving the room, Jinyoung gradually made his way to the table he had set a thousand times, taking a seat where a mug of coffee was already waiting. Taking a long sip, Jinyoung closed his eyes and hummed happily, the swirling flavors sweet on his tongue, the nostalgic imagery attached to the taste flashing through his mind. Before he knew it, Jaebum was sliding a plate of food in front of him, taking his seat across the table, beginning to eat as well. It was awkward but routine, Jinyoung trying to glance over and catch Jaebum’s eye as he ate to explicitly ask what the hell was going on, but ultimately giving up when Jaebum only stared at his food, eyes hardly moving even when drinking his coffee.

“I assume you tried to take me home last night and I fought you?” Jinyoung asked softly, hands wrapped around his cup. “I’m sorry if I did.”

“No,” Jaebum shook his head, still very focused on the mountain of food he had almost finished shoving in his mouth. “You passed out on me and I didn’t have your address. Figured you were better off just sleeping here for a night and going home this morning.”

“Well, thanks,” Jinyoung managed to smile a bit, gracious that someone was coherent enough to look after him when he was self-sabotaging.

“You were completely wasted,” Jaebum stated. “Someone had to do it.”

“Silly me,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes a bit. “I thought you did it out of the kindness of your heart.”

“Are we really going to get into this right now?” Jaebum let his utensils hit the plate, looking over at Jinyoung with some crumbs around his mouth. “During breakfast, of all times?”

“Relax,” Jinyoung soothed, laughing quietly as he reached over instinctively to wipe away the stray food from Jaebum’s lips, thumb grazing along the bottom gently. It was almost too easy to get caught up in things while being in this environment, Jinyoung’s arm freezing in place once he realized what his body had automatically enacted, eyes flickering up to Jaebum’s, both wide and surprised at the subtle touch of affection. Pulling his arm back quickly, Jinyoung looked back down, finishing his coffee and sighing.

“Did everyone have a good time last night?” Jinyoung asked, hoping Jaebum had observed some feedback better than he had.

“Absolutely,” Jaebum smiled for the first time that day, the frosty awkwardness subsiding for a moment. “I’m pretty sure Jackson almost blew Mark in the limo ride home, but other than that it ended smoothly.”

“Typical,” Jinyoung giggled softly, shaking his head. “I can’t believe they’re getting married next week.”

“I know,” Jaebum leaned back, holding his coffee close to his chest. “Seems like only yesterday they were reuniting at that party.”

“Yeah,” was all Jinyoung could reply, head already flashing back to that simple night where Jaebum had kissed him for the first time, feelings growing roots and digging in for what was bound to eventually happen. Jaebum seemed to have the same thought, eyes cast down again as he sat quietly in his own little world.

It was familiar and foreign at the same time, two former lovers together in the place they had made their home years ago. Jinyoung never thought he would ever find himself inside the apartment again, the idea of seeing Jaebum in this space ultimately too upsetting to think about previously. Jinyoung was never sentimental, but he had changed in the relationship, growing attached to the things that made he and Jaebum a unit, fond of simple things like his own coffee mug and seat on the couch.

While he had removed his belongings quickly when he moved out, Jinyoung had left some behind, letting Jaebum compile them in a box and drop them off at Mark’s place while he wasn’t around, choosing to sift through them at his leisure. The one thing he had regretted doing was tossing away the gifted cactus Jaebum had purchased for him in lieu of flowers, cursing himself blind that he could be so careless. However, it was to Jinyoung’s surprise as he stood up to refill his mug that an extremely familiar plant was seemingly hiding behind the coffeemaker, small spikes peeking around from the side. Holding the pot full of liquid at an angle to fill his mug back up, Jinyoung’s eyes remained fixed on the object, trying to determine if it was in fact the same one from years ago, attempting to appear as if he was glancing out of the kitchen window. Instead of looking innocent, Jinyoung felt a slight burn as he overfilled his cup, coffee pouring over the edges and onto the counter and floor, wincing in pain as he dropped the pot in the sink.

“Shit!” He cursed, holding his hand and starting a stream of cold water to run it under. Sure, he was clumsy, but this wasn’t the place he wanted to waste time in, not wanting to cause a scene in front of someone who had already taken pity on him by bringing him home. But Jaebum didn’t seem to mind, coming over with a fairly quick level of speed to inspect Jinyoung’s hand before cleaning up the mess he had made. Embarrassed and slightly in pain, Jinyoung eventually returned to his chair, sighing under his breath.

“Why are you so nervous?” Jaebum asked, his expression one of concern and confusion. Jinyoung had a mental list he could rattle off ( _I’m scared you’ll bring up my past mistakes, I’m scared I’ll say something dumb_ ) but he simply shrugged, unable to pinpoint the exact cause of his uneasiness.

“I guess it’s just weird,” he motioned around, hoping Jaebum understood what he meant. “All of this, here, with you. Now. Today.”

“Ah,” Jaebum nodded, completely in tune with what Jinyoung was explaining. “I get it. I’m sorry if bringing you here makes you feel…”

“It’s fine,” Jinyoung smiled softly. “It was just for a night, right? No big deal.”

“Of course not,” Jaebum grinned, Jinyoung finally able to recognize the two simple dots above his left eye now that he was without his glasses, the tiny remnants of the butterflies he always had around Jaebum somehow swirling back together in his chest.

“You said you’re back?” Jinyoung asked, careful to drink from his mug again. “For good?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum smiled, looking proud of himself. “A position opened for a creative director here so… I had to take it.”

“Director?” Jinyoung smiled, placing his cup back down. “Sounds important.”

“It is,” Jaebum nodded. “No more traveling, unless I request it. People answer to me. It’s going to be different.”

“At least you’re getting what you deserve,” Jinyoung replied, his smile feeling a little bitter on his lips. Of course Jaebum was doing amazing things, moving up in his company quickly. He had dedicated so much time and heart into it, the opportunity the perfect fit. Meanwhile, Jinyoung had nothing to show for how he had grown since their relationship ended, still working the same hours in the same office he despised, silently wishing for a way out, but never actually taking any effort to make it happen. Silently praying that Jaebum wouldn’t ask for a life update, Jinyoung sat in silence, finishing his coffee before standing up, hand gesturing to the bedroom.

“I should get my things and call a cab,” he stated, forcing a more grateful smile. “But thanks again for taking me in for the night.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jaebum offered, getting up as well, stacking his dishes in the sink. “I’ll give you a ride back, it’s not like you asked to be here.”

“Are you sure?” Jinyoung asked, Jaebum nodding and smiling in response. Maybe he was making up for all the times he knew he had said the wrong this to Jinyoung, but the younger boy didn’t mind, taking advantage of all things free in this situation, willing to experience a tense car ride back to his place.

“Grab your things and meet me in the parking lot, okay?”

Jinyoung nodded before stepping back into the room, making sure he had all of his belongings, lacing the shoes back on his feet before exiting the apartment, locking the door behind him. It was as if Jinyoung had never left, never asked for that break that led to a breakup, acting like he was just taking the stairs to get to the car to go to work. However, parked in Jaebum’s reserved spot wasn’t his SUV that Jinyoung despised, but a shiny black motorcycle, Jaebum standing next to it with his old worn-in leather slung over his shoulder, helmet in hand. Jinyoung stopped in his tracks, eyes darting from the bike itself to Jaebum’s entire demeanor, the rugged jeans hugging his body better than ever, topped off with an army green coat with multiple zippers and buttons. He wouldn’t be Jaebum without the heavy duty black boots he had worn almost daily in college, the pair much more practical for use now that he seemed to actually own a bike.

“This is yours?” Jinyoung pointed to it, looking at Jaebum with his mouth slightly agape.

“Yes,” Jaebum snickered, amused by Jinyoung’s shocked expression. “Why are you surprised?”

“Well, I mean, you always talked about it,” Jinyoung reasoned, arms gesturing a bit wildly from his building nerves. “I never thought you would actually… get one.”

“Surprise,” Jaebum laughed, handing him a helmet. “And now you get to ride it.”

“Been there, done that,” Jinyoung retorted automatically, eyes exposing his immediate regret as he snatched the helmet from the other boy, Jaebum finding amusement in everything occurring between them. It wasn’t a difficult process to clasp the helmet on, but Jinyoung was struggling with everything that morning, wanting to blame his gently scorched hand on his inability to securely fasten the item to his head. With Jaebum’s help, it was eventually on, the older boy putting on his own before sliding the leather jacket from his shoulder, zipping it on over Jinyoung’s outfit from the night before. It was almost too intimate, Jinyoung’s eyes following Jaebum’s fingers as they slid the zipper up, eyes meeting once it had reached the top.

“You scared?” Jaebum asked, lips pulling into a slight smirk.

“Me?” Jinyoung questioned, feigning as much confidence as possible. “Never.”

With Jinyoung’s final word, Jaebum swung his leg over the bike, motioning for Jinyoung to climb on behind him, starting the bike up. Flinching at the sound of the engine starting, Jinyoung immediately wrapped his arms around Jaebum’s middle, feeling a vibration near his hands. Jinyoung knew Jaebum had spoken, but couldn’t decipher the words, the bike beginning to roll, Jaebum increasing the speed once they had pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street. It was thrilling and frightening at the same time, the fantasy of riding along with Jaebum on his dream bike a forgotten dream, the younger boy questioning why he ever thought this would turn him on.

As Jaebum took a corner a little too quick, Jinyoung yelped, holding on even tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt another vibration in Jaebum’s chest as he began to pray to whoever was watching over him, hoping he wouldn’t die a single man with a low paying job on the back of his ex-boyfriends deadly motorcycle death trap. While he didn’t understand the previous vibration, Jinyoung immediately decoded the second, knowing the familiar sensation was one of Jaebum’s signature dorky laughs, suddenly thankful for the overpowering sounds of the engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Remember how I said this might update more gradually than Citation? I lied. I can't stop writing this.
> 
> I know a lot of you assumed that the phone call was the last time they talked, but surprise! This was the last time between the breakup and meeting up again at the bachelor party. Intense, right?
> 
> How do you feel about the awkward civility that seems to be happening between Jaebum and Jinyoung? Do you think Jaebum is being genuine? Actually... what do you all think Jaebum is thinking and feeling? Hmm.... :)
> 
> Thank you to everyone subscribing and following along or coming from twitter!!!! You are all the best ever, thank you for your kudos and comments (I always try to respond quickly!).


	5. Chapter 5

After being dropped off at his apartment from the short ride on Jaebum’s motorcycle, Jinyoung had to lay down. It was too much to process and the bike had been the cherry on top of his pain, wishing that Jaebum had saved his money to invest in the stock market or something similar that would be less painful for Jinyoung to process. His head was spinning and the contents of his stomach weren’t settling well, forcing him to curl up in his pajamas in bed, paperback novel within an arm’s length. All he wanted was for Mark to have a good time at his bachelor party; he hadn’t expected to run into Jaebum at the karaoke bar and get so drunk he couldn’t rattle off his address, leaving the older boy to become his default caretaker. The series of events was too familiar and Jinyoung hated how it made him feel, mostly because his pent up anger and bitterness didn’t stand a chance against Jaebum’s caring charms. It had felt like old times, ones from college and the parties he would fall apart at only to be kept together with Jaebum’s embrace, the memories dampening his mood, wishing to no one in particular to never experience something so much like home again.

It was finally sinking in: Jaebum was back for good. It was almost unbelieveable as he had left Jinyoung so easily with the chance to do so much traveling and building of his career, leaving Jinyoung to feel abandoned and very much alone. It was possible that Jaebum had already had his fill of the fast paced career, considering the cushy new position a change of pace yet again. Jinyoung couldn’t relate, the same age yet so far apart, thinking of where he wanted to be and how he expected to do it. Was it filing and documenting unnecessary data 40 hours a week for the past few years? Absolutely not. But how could he break the routine without risking some part of that security that he had?

_If only you had taken the time to actually find yourself instead of embracing your heartbreak. Maybe then you wouldn’t be having a quarter-life crisis._

Resting his head into his pillows, Jinyoung closed his eyes, slipping into a familiar dreamy pattern, leaving the real world behind, if only for the night.

 

***

 

Jinyoung never really cared for summer. It was hot, humid and he had to abandon his vast collection of oversized sweaters in exchange for short sleeves and cropped jeans, the exposed skin a little more than he liked to show. There was something about the added pressure of feeling like he had to go out and enjoy himself, seeing his peers make plans online and post photographs from exotic places. Jinyoung didn’t have that luxury, still pulling shifts at the coffee shop as Jaebum spent his time working some outdoor weddings. They were getting by alright, their first summer living together going smoothly so far, Jinyoung settling into Jaebum’s apartment as if he had been there the entire time, belongings falling into place without any effort. All Jinyoung wanted was to use a few of the dollars he had earned to relax away from the routine noise, hoping Jaebum felt the same.

It took a few more weeks, but Jaebum finally found a gap in his schedule, Jinyoung able to secure a weekend off from work as well. They hadn’t ever planned something concrete like a vacation before, Jinyoung always convincing Jaebum to keep driving in endless circles without a destination around town, fumbling with the stereo until a station was playing a song he recognized. The older boy booked them a room in a cheap motel as close to the ocean as possible, Jinyoung whining about losing his swim trunks in his move, Jaebum accusing him of never owning a pair in the first place. A few jokes about slim-fitting, butt-hugging speedos later, Jinyoung caved into a trip to the mall, modeling a few pairs of shorts for his boyfriend, Jaebum amused at the subtle blush cascading across Jinyoung’s milky skin.

It felt like a little adventure, Jinyoung sitting in Jaebum’s passenger seat the day of the trip, reading off the list of directions to the shore. Living alone together had been enjoyable, but this was a treat, Jinyoung looking forward to clearing his mind and focusing all of his energy on the other boy. They stopped along the way for snacks and sodas, Jaebum trying to befriend a stray cat creeping around one of the rest stops, hand becoming slightly scratched in the process. Jinyoung scolded him, explaining the hundreds of ways he could get an infection, but Jaebum only held his hand out, asking for kisses to make the light wounds heal faster.

Once they arrived and received the keys to their room, the sun was blazing away, cooking the asphalt under Jinyoung’s leather sandals. They only spent a few moments in their room to change and apply sunscreen, taking their towels with them as they left for the beach, ready to relax along the waves. The white sand was dotted with families and groups of teens, Jinyoung walking as far away from most of them as possible to get his own private area with Jaebum, laying out their towels and taking a seat, surveying the scene in front of them.

“Why is everyone so loud,” Jinyoung observed, eyes peering above his sunglasses. “It’s just the beach.”

“Because people are happy to be here,” Jaebum smiled, glancing over at Jinyoung. “Aren’t you?”

“I guess,” Jinyoung tried to conceal his smile by biting back his lip, Jaebum chuckling as he nudged him on his way to stand up, stripping out of his loose tank top. The younger boy followed suit, ditching his top reluctantly, Jaebum sneaking a few photos on his polaroid, Jinyoung swatting his arm away playfully. After successfully wrestling the device away from the other boy, Jinyoung led their way towards the water, letting the cool waves rush over his body. It was refreshing and freeing, Jinyoung realizing how someone could let loose a few hollers in public when something could feel this nice. As he closed his eyes and leaned back to float, Jaebum swam up behind him, resting his hands on his hips, pressing a sly kiss to the side of his neck, careful to not draw too much attention their way.

 

 

The afternoon was flirty and easy-going, the two boys splashing around in the water, floating back and forth, taking time to relax back on their towels, soaking up some sun. Once they were both exhausted, Jaebum suggested dinner, the two changing into something more acceptable for a night out, walking hand in hand to a line of shops and restaurants to find something to satisfy their cravings. After arguing over whether or not ice cream counted as a meal, Jaebum suggested some items from a street food vendor, the two leaning against the railing of a staircase looking over the beach, sun setting behind the horizon they spent their afternoon lounging on.

“How long have we known each other now, Jinyoungie?” Jaebum asked, taking another bite of his fish cake.

“Hmm…,” Jinyoung paused to think, chewing the food in his mouth before answering. “Almost a year, but not quite.”

“Seems longer than that, no?” Jaebum smiled, shoulder bumping gently into Jinyoung’s as they stood side by side.

“With you? Yes,” Jinyoung laughed, eyes crinkling, hand covering his mouth instinctively. “Every minute has been agonizing and I’ve been counting down the minutes until I could say that to your face.”

“You’re so sweet,” Jaebum laughed, elbowing him a little roughly, the intent still playful. “What on earth did I do wrong in a past life to have to put up with you on a daily basis?”

“You love it,” Jinyoung giggled, stealing a bite from Jaebum’s snack, chewing it gleefully. “And you’d put up with my shit all over again to have me in your life, admit it.”

“I’d put up with anything as long as you’d stay with me,” Jaebum grinned, the words genuine and soft, Jinyoung’s giggles turning into a satisfied hum, head twisting to rest against Jaebum’s shoulder.

“I’ll stay with you if you buy me ice cream.”

“Deal.”

 

 

Ice cream must have been a sloppy euphemism for letting Jinyoung top, Jaebum pinned down against the scratchy motel duvet, Jinyoung’s mouth dipping between his legs. As his tongue pressed against Jaebum’s entrance, Jinyoung sighed, the warmth from the afternoon’s sun still lingering on his skin, wrapping him in a comfortable haze as he worked Jaebum looser. Jinyoung wasn’t one to fight to make things like this happen, letting Jaebum lead the direction normally, but seeing his boyfriend with a slight bronze sheen to his skin did something to his mind and body, letting his not-so-subtle demands fly free.

Jinyoung had mastered the art of popping open the bottle of lube with one hand, keeping the other firmly planted on the left side of Jaebum’s butt as he applied some of the substance directly onto his skin, tossing the bottle off the bed as he let his fingers get to work. It had been a while since he had the honors of being on this side of the exchange, Jinyoung taking his sweet time to tease and build up the suspense, dipping in a single digit before adding another, pressing soft kisses to Jaebum’s broad back as he sighed out.

“So beautiful,” Jinyoung whispered, lips making a trail across Jaebum’s shoulder blades. “You take it so well.”

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum breathed, hands gripping the fluffy pillows a little tighter. “Such a tease…”

“I could be worse…,” Jinyoung smirked against Jaebum’s skin, slowing down the pace of his fingers, listening as he heard a soft whine from the other. “But I know what you really want.”

Pulling his hand away, Jinyoung leaned back, taking the lube again to slick his length up, positioning himself behind Jaebum, pressing gently at his entrance. Sliding his hands up and down Jaebum’s back gently, Jinyoung moved inside slowly, letting it sink in gradually before moving back and repeating the process, picking up into a rhythm that Jaebum seemed to enjoy most. It was almost calming the way Jinyoung handled Jaebum, hands comforting him in every way possible as his hips went to work, wanting to bring the other as much pleasure as humanly possible.

While there were times when Jinyoung couldn’t handle all of his pent-up sexual frustrations any longer, needing to unleash his passion in the wildest way possible, that night was different. There was no rush to finish before a certain time so they could get enough rest to work the next day, no circumstances keeping them apart from each other, one off on an assignment, one stuck behind a counter making mochas and americanos. It was Jaebum and Jinyoung, together, on their own, away from everything and everyone. It was their time to just exist, to be the lovers they shamelessly were, privately sharing tender touches and soft careless notes of pleasure.

As Jinyoung worked the other to his limits, he came shortly after, the pair becoming a tangled mess of arms and legs, short breaths and mumbled confessions of adoration and care. Sex before Jaebum was something to pass the time, a way to entertain himself when nothing else really mattered or no one else seemed to care. Connections never lasted and Jinyoung never found enough effort to keep someone around, everything completely irrelevant as he lay draped in cheap motel linens, soft kisses being pressed along his jawline to his ears and back again.

They were Jaebum and Jinyoung, one unit, bound together as if fate had forced them together itself.

 

***

 

Jinyoung awoke the next day feeling groggy and out of tune with reality around him, odd memories and thoughts he swore he had filed away to never think of again finding their place at the front of his mind. It was an unpleasant effect of realizing that Jaebum was back permanently, Jinyoung struggling to come to terms with it entirely, thinking of all the ways he’d have to try to avoid him as much as humanly possible. It wouldn’t be easy as they shared the same core group of friends, but Jinyoung had successfully evaded Jaebum’s advances before they began dating, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to believe he could do it again.

_Don’t act like you aren’t a tiny bit interested in what’s new in his life. Or are we both ignoring the possibility that a certain cactus may still be alive?_

The uphill battle continued as Jinyoung showered and changed, putting on a stark white button down with gray slacks, letting his hair air dry as he tied his shoes. Staring at the mirror as he brushed his teeth, he was suddenly aware of his age, dark bags under his eyes and fine lines accenting his forehead. Apparently he couldn’t bounce back after a night of partying in one day, groaning as he checked his watch for the time, flying out of his apartment in order to clock in on time. It was a sad and empty daily routine that had felt stale the week it started, Jinyoung trying his best to forget about the sunny mornings spent drinking coffee and nibbling on homemade cinnamon rolls, the signature scent hard to forget.

 

 

Jinyoung expected the day to be rough, but getting fired the moment he stepped into the office felt a little extreme. Greeted by a fake smile from his manager, Jinyoung was brought into his office, forced to listen to a laundry list of the reasons he was being let go, ones spanning from “budget cuts” to “underachievement in vital areas.” He shouldn’t have been surprised, but ultimately it still felt somewhat blindsiding, Jinyoung suggesting out loud that if he was such a shit employee, why string him along this long when they could have given him the boot immediately? After that small comment, Jinyoung was led to his desk, given a small cardboard box and ordered to take what he needed to in ten minutes before he had to go.

Completely numb, Jinyoung gathered a few of his things, mostly little trinkets of office decor, a few snapshots of him and Mark together that reminded him that he had a life outside of these four walls. As he unpinned a photo from one of their many summers as friends, it slipped behind the desk, Jinyoung cursing under his breath before getting on his hands and knees, crawling under the surface to retrieve it. Grabbing what he thought was the photo, Jinyoung sat back, dusting it off only to realize that it wasn’t the one he had been searching for, coming face to face with the most recent problem in his life.

It had been taken the last summer he and Jaebum were together, the couple attending some bonfire Jackson had arranged in his and Mark’s backyard. Because he had to work late that day, Jinyoung had driven separately to the party, arriving a little late and still dressed in his best business attire, shirt unbuttoned two from the top. Jinyoung remember stepping inside and filtering through the mass of people before giving up on finding Jaebum, cracking open a beer in the corner of the kitchen. He was exhausted and only wanted his bed, but he had promised Jackson and Mark he’d be there, half awake or not. Jaebum had eventually discovered that he had arrived, nearly scolding the younger boy until he recognized the exhausted look on Jinyoung’s face, tugging him into a tight embrace before leading him out to sit by the fire.

At that point, Jackson had forgotten to keep tending to it, the flames only flickering low beneath the logs piled high, most of the guests lingering back near the house. Jaebum kept his arm around Jinyoung tight, cuddled together on the bench for no reason other than he wanted to be close, Jinyoung still feeling stiff and lifeless from the mundane job he had refused to quit. When Jaebum went to speak, to say anything at all, Jinyoung only shushed him, leaning his head on the older boy’s shoulder, closing his eyes as he gave into the subtle comforts of being with his other half. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there, resting spontaneously with his boyfriend, but it was long enough for Mark to come out of nowhere with his own instant camera, thinking he could use it as blackmail, Jaebum’s shameless begging for the photograph forcing Jinyoung out of his light slumber.

Jaebum had given it to him as a reminder that when it was the end of the day and he could go home, Jinyoung always had someone there for him, to lean on for support, to provide him comfort in any place he needed. It was too sweet for him at the time, almost scoffing as he slid the photo in his back pocket, nearly forgetting about it until he snuck it into his work bag, secretly appreciating the extra meaning Jaebum had applied to the grainy snapshot.

Tossing it into the box before grabbing the photo he originally wanted, Jinyoung finished gathering his things, appearing void of any emotion as he was escorted out of the building. It was embarrassing and humiliating, walking out of the one place he found a routine at, wishing it could have ended differently. However, he didn’t try, didn’t attempt once to leave, and Jinyoung had to deal with what came of that, placing the box in the passenger seat before beginning to drive, eyes staring straight ahead, hands gripping the steering wheel tight. It was like everything shifted into slow motion, the car on autopilot as it navigated itself on familiar streets, Jinyoung hardly remembering starting the car, let alone stopping at signs and pausing at crosswalks. It felt dangerous to operate a vehicle this way, but Jinyoung didn’t care, cruising along until his car came to a complete stop, the scene surrounding him different than what he expected.

While his head was in the clouds, Jinyoung had driven himself to his old apartment, the one he had woken up in the day before, the one he had fallen in love inside of years ago. He didn’t have the mental capacity to figure out how his body betrayed him, feet and hands coordinating a diversion to bring him to that location, staring up at the window he knew belonged to a certain someone he had tried so hard to forget. Feeling a tremor spread across his hands, Jinyoung made a decision, getting out of the car in one quick motion, feet already knowing the direction he wanted to go, bringing him up through the hallway he had been pressed against a million times, landing him right in front of Jaebum’s door, hand knocking three times loudly. There was a pause, a slight change of shadow under the door itself, then a turning of the doorknob, door cracking open.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked, glasses perched on his nose, hair fluffy across his forehead, a questioning glance gracing his face. “What are you doing here?”

“I… I don’t know,” Jinyoung stuttered, hands nervously gripping onto his sleeves. “I tried to go home, I swear. I was driving and I don’t remember how, but I got here. I didn’t mean to come here. I promise.”

“Then why did you come to the door?” Jaebum leaned into the door frame, studying Jinyoung’s face. “You could have turned around…”

“I got fired,” Jinyoung blurted out, a nervous laugh accidently following it. “I got fired and my head is completely empty, seriously. I can’t think of anything to do or say or feel and when I saw I ended up here… what did you always like to say? Fate or some bullshit like that?”

Jaebum kept his tight stare locked on Jinyoung, watching as the younger boy visibly swallowed, mouth dry and eyes nervously darting around. It felt like hours, days, years until he showed any sign of movement, hand adjusting the eyewear on his face as if it would help him make a decision. Eventually stepping aside, Jaebum motioned him in, Jinyoung muttering a soft thank you before going to sit in the middle of the sofa, hands nervously twitching. Jaebum followed him, opting to sit adjacent to Jinyoung in an armchair, letting the silence fall between them uncomfortably, his eyes still focused on his every move.

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum said, expression a little softer. “I’m sorry you got fired. I can’t imagine how that must make you feel.”

“It sucks,” Jinyoung snapped less eloquently than he planned, sighing as he tilted his head back. “And now I have nothing to show for anything I’ve done in life. I went to school and got a job and now I have nothing. How fucked up is that?”

“Well,” Jaebum said, aura still cold, Jinyoung missing the warmth that used to consume the room when they were together. “It’s not like it was your dream job, right? You were basically a glorified secretary.”

“Excuse me?” Jinyoung hissed, head snapping back to look in Jaebum’s direction. “Yeah, okay, sorry! It isn’t jet-setting around the world, photographing half-naked models under a waterfall or some shit like that, but it paid the bills and I really thought it could lead to something more. I’m so fucking sorry that I relied on being a fucking _secretary_ to get by. How long have you been holding that insult in?”

“This isn’t about me,” Jaebum replied, still somewhat emotionless, not exactly evoking the emotions Jinyoung wanted to pour out of his mouth. “It’s about you losing your ambitions and getting comfortable existing at the same level for so long. You used to tell me there was so much more to people than what they actually say and you wanted to be the one to help them express themselves. Remember that?”

“No,” Jinyoung lied, looking away, hating that Jaebum’s memory was as sharp as ever. “I wouldn’t be good at that anyway. I don’t understand a damn thing anyone says or does anymore. I’m not good at anything. I’m… I’m worthless.”

As much as he had tried to build back up the walls Jaebum had helped him tear down, there was no use in trying to conceal the cracks that had redeveloped over time, Jinyoung feeling the tears swell behind his eyes. He had to realize it sooner or later: he no longer had a shitty job to hide behind, too scared to do anything about it. Hands moving to hide his face from the other person in the room, Jinyoung let a few drops fall, trying to keep his composure as he began a total meltdown.

“Jinyoung…,” Jaebum said quietly, moving to sit next to him, hand placed gently high up on his back. “You’re not worthless. You’re just a little lost. That’s not such a bad thing.”

“Same difference,” Jinyoung mumbled, tears beginning a steady stream, sniffles already starting. “Every day I wake up and I think to myself, what went wrong? How did I get stuck in such an awful routine in a job I hate all alone? Why can’t I pick myself up and make something of my life?”

“You’re acting like it’s as simple as finding a finish line,” Jaebum offered, still keeping a foot of distance between their bodies. “It’s not that easy, Jinyoung. There’s no set destination for each of us, you know that right? This is just a stop along the way. More will come as long as you keep moving.”

“Nothing is going the way it was supposed to,” Jinyoung confessed, wiping his eyes as quickly as the tears fell. “I was supposed to graduate and get an amazing job and have an amazing future. I wasn’t supposed to feel so… so…”

_Confused? Scared? Uncertain?_

_Alone._

“It’s going to be okay,” Jaebum interjected before Jinyoung could mumble the next word, eyes looking down on him, the subtle sense of concern he normally carried hidden behind some other veil. “I know you’re upset and god only knows why you showed up here, but you’re going to be fine. Just go home, get some rest and relax before the wedding.”

“The wedding?” Jinyoung sighed, sulking back into the cushions. “Can’t wait for it to remind me even more of the shortcomings in my pathetic life.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum practically scolded, sighing in an annoyed tone Jinyoung recognized easily. “You need to go home and get a grip.”

“Thanks for the advice,” Jinyoung muttered under his breath, arms crossed against his chest as if he were a pouting toddler during a temper tantrum.

“Oh, my mistake,” Jaebum offered back. “I thought we weren’t friends, remember?”

Jinyoung glanced over, eyes following the tightness in Jaebum’s jaw, immediately recognizing the way the older was holding himself back for Jinyoung’s sake. It was an awful push and pull, Jinyoung showing up without a good reason, fooling himself into thinking that Jaebum would be the one to care when they barely acknowledged each other’s existence for nearly two years. What was he doing spilling his guts to him anyway? What kind of progress would he make moving on from their past relationship when he gave into his instincts like this? Of all the places to be after falling into a bout of self-doubt and loathing, it had to be next to Jaebum, his ex-boyfriend, the only man he had ever truly loved.

_Not that it matters right now or anything, right?_

Just as Jinyoung went to say something to excuse himself out of the apartment, there was a light knock on Jaebum’s door, a cheerful voice nearly shouting behind it.

“Jaebum!” The man practically yelled, knocking even more. “I brought lunch! It’s your favorite! Kimbap… lots of it!”

Switching from observant to curious, Jinyoung narrowed his eyes in Jaebum’s direction, noticing a flash of panic across Jaebum’s face. He was silent, completely still, causing the man on the other side of the door to knock again, a little more rushed, repeating the same thing over again.

“Jaebum?” He asked, voice sweet and almost song-like. “Are you in there?”

“Y-yes!” Jaebum finally stumbled out, getting up and nervously pulling Jinyoung up with him. “One second!”

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung shrugged Jaebum’s grip from his shoulder, brushing him off. “Who is that?”

“Shh!” Jaebum hushed him, putting a finger to his lips. “It’s no one. And be quiet!”

“No one? Yeah right,” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow, trying to solve the puzzle without any clues. “And why are we whispering?”

“You have to go,” Jaebum stated, pulling him by the wrist to the door. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why?” Jinyoung placed his hands on his hips, staring the other boy down. “Is it your _boyfriend_ or something?”

It was the magic word. Jaebum froze in place, line of vision anywhere but Jinyoung, lips bit back nervously. The tension that always grew between them finally arrived, filling the gaps between them with ease, Jinyoung feeling his hands at his sides ball into fists, the unstable emotional landslide in his mind erupting at full force. It was obvious, so very clear that Jaebum didn’t want whoever was on the other side of the door to know who Jinyoung was, to assume why he was there. While Jinyoung was busying himself with a terrible low-paying job and attempting to forget certain people from his past, Jaebum had actually succeeded in moving on, apparently finding someone else that could fill the spaces Jinyoung had carved out for himself. It hurt worse than Jinyoung could have ever guessed, a jagged knife sliding in where his heart once felt so full, noticing that he may never ever truly get over Im Jaebum, the annoying library assistant that could never take no for an answer.

Realizing that Jaebum wasn’t going to acknowledge the scathing accusation, Jinyoung laughed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he grabbed his keys, heading for the door. Jaebum quickly followed, watching as Jinyoung swung open the door to come face to face with the stranger, perfectly coiffed black hair parted to the side, a bright smile beaming from ear to ear. At the sight of Jinyoung leaving the apartment teary eyed and slightly agitated, the man’s smile fell, confusion settling in as Jinyoung refused to move from blocking the doorway.

“Um, hi,” the other man started, trying to act casual, looking past Jinyoung’s shoulder to locate Jaebum. “Jaebum, who is this?”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum stated simply without emphasis or follow up, letting the name hang in the air, Jinyoung’s strong stare targeting the new face. It was perfectly shaven, skin blemish free, one eye dotted underneath as if he had to be marked like Jaebum was. The smile returned, straight white teeth flashing at him.

“Oh, it’s nice to meet you!” The other man laughed, something loud and boisterous, Jinyoung realizing that Jackson could meet his match if he was here in this moment. It was becoming more and more obvious that Jaebum had left this poor man in the dark about who he was or at least what he had been, knowing he wouldn’t be so cheery speaking to his new boyfriend’s ex. “I’m Youngjae, would you like to join us for lunch?”

“No thanks,” Jinyoung replied, mind flipping through every insult in the book he wanted to toss his way, settling on casual indifference instead. “Not interested.”

Ignoring the hurt look on Youngjae’s face, Jinyoung turned around to face a stunned Jaebum, pulling his best smirk.

“Enjoy your kimbap, _Jaebummie_.”

Shoving past Youngjae, Jinyoung stormed back down the same path he had arrived from, marching straight to his car and climbing inside, wasting no time to start the engine and pull away. It was official: it was the worst day of his life. Getting let go from his job had hurt, but seeing his ex move on right in front of his very own eyes fucked with him deeper than he could admit to anyone, unable to hold back his tears on the drive back. Every traffic light added to the agony, eyes completely cloudy by the time he arrived home, using his sleeve as a tissue before heading up to his apartment, walking in and slamming the door behind him.

Maybe it was the two visits to the location he once called home with Jaebum, but Jinyoung hadn’t felt so uneasy in his place before. The walls were blank and almost sterile, kitchen void of anything edible that didn’t come prepackaged in a can or box. There were no renaissance art documentaries in his streaming queue, no random rolls of film littering the coffee table. But none of that had ever existed, not there at least, where Jinyoung thought he had learned the art of moving on, the way he could exist with himself and believe that he could be happy again.

As he flopped back on his bed, sheets swallowing him whole, Jinyoung closed his eyes, pretending that he wasn’t still in love with Jaebum, silently wishing there was an easy way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> You made it through another agonizing update - congrats! Hope that last little line give you a beacon of hope to follow the rest of the way. You can do it!
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> Also, sup 2jae.
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> Thank you for always leaving such thoughtful comments and kudos and tweets and wow! Seriously, thank you times a million. You guys are the BEST EVER. xoxoxox
> 
> twitter: same as here, switch the k and s in jackson  
> tumblr: same as that


	6. Chapter 6

As anyone might have guessed, Jinyoung hated flying. The entire process was arduous and frustrating, getting stuck behind slow people who didn’t understand the simple instructions through security or being seated near a crying child once he boarded the plane. Truth be told, Jinyoung hadn’t been to the airport since he had sent Jaebum off to his new job two years ago, completely avoiding the space where they had their final embrace. When Mark had told him that he and Jackson were planning a destination wedding, he wasn’t surprised, knowing they wanted something relaxing and fun, keeping the guest list open to anyone willing to make the trip. However, Jinyoung didn’t personally enjoy the idea, preferring to enjoy such a special time in a place with specific meaning to him and whoever he would end up marrying - if he would ever find someone to get that far with again.

Flying all night let Jinyoung rest, body and mind exhausted from everything that had gone so wrong the past few weeks. It felt like only yesterday he was employed and functioning, not having to worry about Jaebum stumbling back into his life unannounced. If anyone asked, he wouldn’t have admitted what he had spent the last couple of days doing, eating ice cream and sinking back into a never-ending stream of his favorite crime dramas, trying not to think about how Jaebum’s boyfriend not only existed, but had no idea who Jinyoung was in the slightest.

Was it foolish to assume that he was the love of Jaebum’s life? Maybe. But they had something special, sharing experiences and memories that few ever get to cherish. Jinyoung hadn’t been with Hyuk long enough to reach any significant milestones outside of anything physical, the thought of celebrating an anniversary or move-in completely foreign to him. But what about Jaebum? Where did he meet Youngjae? Had they been together long? Did he put up with Jaebum’s shit better than Jinyoung could?

_Does he tell him that he’s the best part of his day and that nothing could ever change that?_

The questions wouldn’t stop until Jinyoung forced himself to sleep, head leaning against the tiny window, eyes fluttering shut.

 

 

Once the plane landed and Jinyoung retrieved his luggage from baggage claim, he took a car to the resort where all of Mark and Jackson’s guests were staying as well as where the ceremony and reception would be held. It was right on the water’s edge, the clear blue skies melting into the deep royal ocean, seamlessly blending into the horizon. If Jinyoung was a hopeless romantic, he would have swooned, but instead after being dropped off, he kept on a permanent scowl, wheeling his bag along with him as he approached the desk to check in. As his credit card was being processed to keep on file, he heard someone approaching, hand placed on his shoulder.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” Mark smiled, slinging his arm comfortably around the younger boy. “Glad you made it in safely. Actually, just glad you decided to come at all.”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung mumbled, letting himself smile at the friendly embrace. “You know I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

“Just messing with you,” Mark giggled, letting Jinyoung finish up his transaction before he was handed his room key, walking to an empty space in the lobby. “So, what’s new…”

Jinyoung knew that Mark had a way of knowing everything before he could say the word, especially when he was about to marry the best friend of his ex. The ex that he had stupidly ranted to after losing his job only to come face to face with what was most likely his significant other waiting at the door with Jaebum’s favorite food. Wincing visibly at the memory of what had happened, Jinyoung sighed, debating internally about how much additional information he wanted to share with Mark, not necessarily in the giving mood.

“I’m unemployed,” Jinyoung shrugged. “And by the look you’re offering, I assume you know who found out first.”

“Word travels fast when your husband-to-be can’t keep a secret for long,” Mark laughed, shaking his head. “But seriously… how the fuck did you end up there?”

“Honestly…,” Jinyoung flipped through the sequence of events in his head again, trying to pinpoint the exact moment his body had turned on him, but came up blank. “I have no clue. It was like I was on autopilot or something. I blinked and I was suddenly there and knocking at his door.”

“Maybe it’s your subconscious,” Mark suggested, wriggling his eyebrows. “They were bringing you to where your heart truly desired to be.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jinyoung scoffed, nearly knocking his suitcase over in disbelief. “I was upset and wasn’t thinking straight. It’s not my fault it’s easy to get turned around.”

“Whatever you say, Jinyoungie,” Mark giggled, nudging Jinyoung’s side with his elbow. “I also heard you met…”

Mark let his words fade into the white noise of the lobby, guests rushing to catch a cab outside or to ask for something at the front desk. Feeling a light shiver of goosebumps running up and down his arms, Jinyoung shifted his gaze to the floor, shrugging again as he feigned apathy. What words existed to describe what it’s like to make an embarrassment of yourself in front of someone you once considered to be your closest confidant only to turn around and see your replacement? Rubbing his forearm, Jinyoung picked his best fake smile and met Mark’s eyes, trying his best to show how well he was handling the news.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung twirled his suitcase with one hand, letting the luggage spin on its bottom wheels. “How much do you know about him?”

“Well,” Mark paused, appearing as if he was determining the best way to explain Jaebum’s new boyfriend to Jinyoung without using those exact words. “I know that they met while Jaebum was working and Young- I mean, _he_ was a model at one of his shoots.”

“You can use his name, Mark,” Jinyoung laughed in genuine amusement at his best friend’s attempt at trying to avoid the fresh wounds. “I’m a grown man. I can handle it.”

“Okay, Youngjae,” Jinyoung was going to have to get used to the name eventually, biting back a sarcastic comment about it as Mark continued, “was a model and offered Jaebum his number in a friendly way. I guess they talked a lot and when Jaebum mentioned he was going to move back here to accept a cushier title and job, Youngjae let him know he lived in the area as well.”

“Small world,” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath, cursing fate for helping Jaebum find another potential match within an arm's length of his beloved apartment. “Do I even want to know how long it’s been happening?”

“Beats me,” Mark smirked a little, leaning in towards Jinyoung’s ear to whisper the rest of his thought. “He only told Jackson all of this after the bachelor party.”

Complete annoyance shifted into genuine curiosity, the details of Jaebum’s sudden return and newfound love interest adding up into a bigger pile of confusion. Jinyoung didn’t want to assume that Mark and Jackson had known about the relationship and had elected against sharing that bit of information, but it seemed like the most probable case at the time. But knowing that Jaebum kept it from Jackson, even if only for a short period of time, gave Jinyoung a tiny sliver of information to digest, to think about while he was here and having to interact with their families and friends.

“Is he here?” Jinyoung asked, voice kept down low in case of any eavesdroppers. “And how easily can I avoid him?”

“He’s here and so is his plus one,” Mark replied. “I’d say staying in your room might do the trick, but with the rehearsal dinner tonight, there’s little you can do to truly avoid him.”

“Fuck,” Jinyoung whined, nearly stomping his feet in annoyance. “This is going to be the worst weekend of my life.”

“Watch your mouth,” Mark joked, laughing as Jinyoung realized the tone he chose.

“Sorry, it’s just…,” Jinyoung began, sighing as he couldn’t pick the words quick enough. “It’s a lot.”

“I know,” Mark smiled, hand patting his shoulder. “You’re lucky it was me you said that to and not a certain someone else who might cry just at the thought of someone having a bad time this weekend.”

“Then let’s not let Jackson find out what I said,” Jinyoung chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m gonna try to nap before all of this shit later.”

“Alright,” Mark smiled, letting go of Jinyoung’s shoulder. “If you are missing at the rehearsal dinner, I’ll send a certain someone to find you, so don’t be late.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinyoung shrugged him off, grabbing his luggage. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

“I believe you,” Mark smiled, waving before walking in the opposite direction that Jinyoung was headed. Sighing as he took the quick route to the elevators, Jinyoung closed his eyes for a moment, wishing he could believe himself, too.

 

 

Jinyoung managed to sleep for a few hours in his plush queen-sized bed, sinking back into the pillows and sheets instantly. Waking up had been a different story, alarm buzzing him out of a pleasant slumber, eyes hazy and head groggy as he forced himself out of bed, rubbing his eyes before grabbing some water to drink. The idea of walking into the rehearsal and seeing Jaebum was certainly intimidating; Jinyoung nearly envied the other boy’s position, knowing he didn’t have to worry at all, not having embarrassed himself with a surprise visit and endless rant about losing his only job that really counted.

While his dreams had treated him well, his brain awake had a different plan, forcing his thoughts to return back to his conversation he had with Mark upon his arrival. If he and Jackson were both left in the dark about his relationship with Youngjae, what did it mean? Was it not serious? Did Jaebum feel ashamed mentioning someone to them knowing they would definitely pass the information along to Jinyoung? Speaking of himself, did Youngjae know that Jinyoung slept over Jaebum’s apartment after the bachelor party? Even so, did Youngjae even know who Jinyoung was to Jaebum years ago, before they tore themselves apart over the phone?

_Oh, I’m sure that was the very first thing Jaebum told him. You bet._

Changing into a casual pair of black slacks and a loose fitting button down, Jinyoung prepared himself mentally and physically for the night, no matter which way it was about to go. It could go civilly, the younger boy keeping to himself, acting as if there was never anything between them, ignoring any questioning glances or stares. Or, on the contrary, Jinyoung could let all hell break loose, refusing to talk to certain members of the wedding party, talking over their jokes and comments, offering insulting statements to his new boyfriend he had to string along for the ride. Both sounded exhausting, Jinyoung always enjoying the tiny amount of effort doing nothing entailed, hoping he could cruise along and not disturb the situation any more than he already had by showing up alone.

Luckily, Mark and Jackson had a dedicated private space to practice everything for the next day, Jinyoung unable to come up with an excuse to avoid it. It was his duty to be there for Mark (and to a lesser extent, Jackson) and he wanted to live up to the standards set for him by all of the best men that existed before him. Dragging his feet, Jinyoung eventually made it into the space, preferring to keep to himself as everyone else arrived, idling near the corner of the room. Mark and Jackson eventually arrived with the rest of the staff needed to begin the rehearsal, Jinyoung cautiously looking around the room to spot the one person he _definitely_ preferred not to notice, observing that he was nowhere to be found.

His tiny victory was short-lived, Jaebum entering only minutes after Jinyoung thought he was in the clear, Youngjae trailing close behind him. Jinyoung watched as Jaebum spoke a quick apology to the grooms-to-be, settling comfortably into the crowd of people gathered around to run through the program. Jinyoung reluctantly moved closer, preferring to stand on the opposite side amongst some of Mark’s family, trying to blend in or at least look disinterested, paying attention of all of the details being sorted. It was a lot to take in and Jinyoung was thankful to not be Mark or Jackson as they had to share most of the responsibilities for getting things right. He had never thought of it before, but suddenly Jinyoung realized how stressful the actual ceremony had to be for someone going through it, knowing now how much they had to remember all on their own with only one shot to get it right. If he were to ever go through with getting hitched, Jinyoung might have preferred slipping down to the city hall, eloping with only a couple witnesses, any screwups easily controlled under those circumstances.

“Jinyoung,” Mark nudged him out of his trail of unnecessary thoughts about a marriage that would never happen. “Did you hear what you have to do?”

“What?” Jinyoung asked, standing up a bit straighter. “No, sorry…”

“When you walk in,” Mark apparently was repeating himself, explaining in a calm tone. “You have to walk in with Jaebum.”

“What?” Jinyoung nearly hissed, Jaebum’s gaze already focused on their conversation. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Mark replied, showing him the chart he had been using during the entire explanation he had apparently tuned out for. “You’ll walk in together and stand on either side, then I’ll walk in with my mom and dad, then Jackson with his parents.”

“But why?” Jinyoung tried his best to not sound like a whiny brat, wishing this was a cruel joke his friends were playing on him. “I didn’t think you’d want things to be so… traditional.”

“Jinyoung, it’s their wedding,” Jaebum interjected, voice soft but pointed. “If that’s what they want, I’m fine with it and you should be, too.”

It had always been that way. Jinyoung would hear something and react without a second thought, spilling his guts and exposing his true feelings about a subject leaving Jaebum to either clean up his mess with his own clever line of phrasing or reprimand Jinyoung for acting so hastily in the first place, keeping him there until he apologized for any assumptions made. But Jinyoung and Jaebum were no longer together, no longer one unit, and Jinyoung couldn’t guess why he would continue to act that way, especially knowing that Jinyoung didn’t give a shit about Jaebum’s opinion in the first place. Their eyes connected, Jinyoung continuing his internal debate about which way he’d like to tell off Jaebum first, but Mark went back to rattling off the list and order for the procession, letting Jinyoung drift back into his dazed state.

 

 

Once the details had been smoothed out and everyone felt better prepared for the ceremony the following day, the staff set up a meal for the attendees, setting everything up on a long banquet table lined with chairs on either side. Watching where Mark sat before sliding into a chair near him, Jinyoung gulped down the freshly poured ice water, feeling a bit claustrophobic in the same room as Jaebum. Looking a few seats down, he was seated by Jackson’s parents, happily chatting with some other members of his wedding party, Youngjae observing his boyfriend’s every move. He’d never admit it, but Jinyoung felt sick as he watched the way the new boy’s eyes glistened as they observed Jaebum, looking at him like he was the only one in the entire room, acting like Jinyoung once had years ago. However, whenever someone cracked a joke or made a smart reply, Youngjae responded with a boom of loud laughter, head cracking back against his chair, arms wildly clutching onto Jaebum’s side.

If Jinyoung had a type, then Jaebum was a mystery, Youngjae appearing to be Jinyoung’s total opposite. While he was introverted, sarcastic and hard to please, Youngjae seemed to be quite gregarious, radiating positivity every time he smiled wide. Jinyoung bit back his utter disgust every time the new man laughed at something said or gripped onto Jaebum’s arm for emphasis. It was pure jealousy and Jinyoung couldn’t fight it without causing a scene, so holding everything inside was the only option. If this was the price he had to pay so Mark and Jackson’s special day wouldn’t be ruined, so be it. Nonetheless, Jinyoung would be keeping a mental checklist of all the things the two would owe him for acting on his best behavior all weekend.

The dinner wrapped up without an incident, Jinyoung scrambling out of his chair once everyone got up to leave, a few people staying behind to chat together. While he had been biting his tongue, Jinyoung worked up enough frustrations to warrant a visit to the hotel bar before making the trip back to his room, but remembering what Mark said about how early the ceremony would begin made him decide against it. Double checking that he had his room key, he went over to the small group huddled near the grooms, waiting his turn before Mark noticed him checking the time on his phone.

“Got somewhere to be?” Mark laughed, tugging him into a side hug. “I hope we didn’t bore you too much.”

“If I’m bored, don’t take it personally,” Jinyoung smiled slightly, mouth somewhat sore from all the fake grins he had forced all night. “I was just about to head back to my room and wanted to make sure I said goodbye.”

“Already?” Mark smiled, shaking his head. “What happened to getting all wild the night before?”

“Plans change,” Jinyoung shrugged, letting Mark drop his arm from his back. “I’m going to go back, relax and add in a few more embarrassing stories for my toast tomorrow.”

“Jinyoungie,” Mark warned, wagging a finger near his face. “Be good… my entire family will be there.”

“So, I should remove the series of anecdotes of me walking in on you and Jackson constantly?” Jinyoung laughed, counting off on his fingers. “There was the time at the party, the hundreds of times in the dorm, that one time he was eating you-”

“Jinyoung!” Mark gasped, clapping his hand over the younger’s mouth. “Enough, okay? I got it.”

“Fine,” Jinyoung mumbled a low giggle, prying Mark’s hand away. “But don’t think it’s going to be all warm and fuzzy. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else,” Mark smiled, hugging him once more. “See you tomorrow.”

“Get some rest,” Jinyoung smiled, hugging him back. “It’s a big day. You wouldn’t want to trip or fall on your face while walking in…”

“I said goodbye, Jinyoung,” Mark laughed as they both pulled away, Jinyoung checking the spaces around him in order to make a quick exit. His radar was on point, recognizing that Jaebum, Youngjae and Jackson were all in a lively discussion with his side of the family, allowing Jinyoung to sigh out in relief, sneaking out the door as quickly as possible.

_Look at you. Was that civil attitude you displayed a first? Where were the snide comments? Where were the dirty looks? Did you leave the real you back home?_

Heading back up to his room, Jinyoung let out a pathetic groan as he flopped onto the bed, eyes squeezed shut as he tried to relax. While he had tried his best to prepare himself to see Jaebum, he didn’t succeed in blocking out the whole “new boyfriend” thing, annoyed at even the thought of him moving on. It had been over two years and Jinyoung was the one still feeling the burn, wishing it could have ended cleaner so he wouldn’t have these troubled thoughts of pining over an ex. He couldn’t admit it out loud and even if he could, who would be there to listen? Mark and Jackson were preparing for the biggest day of their lives and even Jinyoung wouldn’t burden them with his incessant whining. He was going to have to deal with it on his own and the best way to do that was try to sleep it off.

Stripping out of his more structured clothing, Jinyoung switched into an old t-shirt and worn-in sweatpants, leaning back into his pillows as he flipped through television stations. It all felt like a blur: Jinyoung was no longer 20 and falling in love, no longer 21 and graduating. Life had stalled right before 23, leaving him scrambling to find the answers to his many questions. Without his job to give him some inkling of a daily structure, Jinyoung had fallen into a never-ending void, cycling through the same pattern of thoughts one by one, head spinning and eventually leading him to a quiet slumber.

However, sleep never came, Jinyoung tossing and turning on top of the bed as if it would find him in a different position. After a few rotations, he gave up, getting up and taking a look out of the window, watching as the moon reflected off the water below. It was calming and more peaceful that it looked from his dingy apartment, moving Jinyoung to shuffle around his hotel room to find appropriate footwear, sliding it on and grabbing his room key, heading downstairs.

Jinyoung traveled slowly back to the elevators, feet dragging as he began to think of all the things he wished he could have said during the rehearsal dinner, imagining the look on Youngjae’s face as he explained one by one all of the things he and Jaebum had done over the years, not stopping until he was sure tears were gathering behind his eyes. What a thrill it would have been for Jinyoung to tell their story from the first day, the day Jinyoung visited the library and was interrupted by a rude library assistant who didn’t understand the concept of personal space, all the way until they confessed their love for each other at a photoshoot that kickstarted Jaebum’s career. It was Jinyoung who was there for all of it, all of the firsts and all of the good times, discarded once things got a little too real or too rough, no longer able to convince Jaebum he was worth waiting for.

Wandering from the interior of the hotel to the path out back, Jinyoung eventually followed it down to the sand, hands deep in his pockets as he took a private stroll along the water. There were a few other people around, mostly clustered together, Jinyoung avoiding him with his head down. As he looked over, Jinyoung felt the urge to dip his toes in the waves, sliding his shoes off to carry in his left hand as he let them slowly wash over his feet, a slight shiver racing up his spine. Noticing a cluster of large rocks up ahead, Jinyoung made his way over, finding the perfect seat for him to rest on, still able to dangle his legs in ankle-deep, letting his mind take him back through the things he knew Jaebum would never experience with someone else.

 

***

 

“When can I take it off?”

Jinyoung fussed with the blindfold tied around his eyes, Jaebum cackling as he continued to drive the car in a direction he refused to disclose to him. It was their second anniversary and the older boy had demanded that Jinyoung give into whatever secret plans he had concocted, leaving him completely in the dark of any details. All Jinyoung knew was that he was dressed up, nothing too formal, but a step above casual, and that Jaebum had promised him at least one warm meal during the trip.

“I told you,” Jaebum smiled, hand resting on Jinyoung’s thigh to offer additional comfort. “Not until I park.”

“Are you kidnapping me?” Jinyoung accused, wishing his face was completely visible for additional emphasis. “Mark and Jackson will call, they’ll wonder where I went!”

“Would you calm down?” Jaebum laughed, Jinyoung imagining him shaking his head in disbelief. “It’s an anniversary surprise, no one is getting held against their will.”

“Well, I never said that you couldn’t…,” Jinyoung practically purred, not missing the slight hitch in Jaebum’s breath as his sense of hearing was slightly heightened. “Wait, what did you ask me to call you the other night? _Dad-_ ”

“Here!” Jaebum shouted suddenly, the strain on his vocal cords evident with or without the blindfold, the younger boy dropping his clever retort in favor of undoing his blindfold as Jaebum parked. Sliding the fabric from his eyes, Jinyoung took a second to adjust before taking in his surroundings. They were in a parking lot somewhere downtown, Jinyoung vaguely remembering the brick building they were near. Nothing else was worth noting, Jinyoung suddenly feeling like he was tricked into wearing the blindfold for no good reason at all, except for Jaebum’s pathetic enjoyment.

“Are you kidding me?” Jinyoung asked, motioning his hands in the air. “Where are we? This is my surprise?”

“Sorry, the parking spots out front were all taken,” Jaebum smiled, climbing out of the car as Jinyoung racked his brain for any possible location he could remember. Giving in and following Jaebum out, the older boy took his hand, starting to walk around the building to the front, Jinyoung’s eyes shifting into amusement as soon as they reached the sidewalk. In front of him was the restaurant from their very first date, where Jaebum had parked on the street and Jinyoung’s hands were just a little too cold.

“Our first date,” Jinyoung said quietly, smiling in amazement at the neon sign fixed to the building. “This is where we went.”

“Correct,” Jaebum smiled, squeezing Jinyoung’s hand gently. “I felt like… it was time to go back to that moment.”

“Which moment exactly?” Jinyoung smiled, leaning in closer for Jaebum to meet his lips softly, already knowing the answer.

“The moment I knew I was in love.”

 

 

It was like magic. Jinyoung felt instantly transported back to that night they spent together, enjoying delicious food and drinks, thinking back to the conversations they shared. Mentioning that Jaebum hadn’t bought his motorcycle yet brought the biggest laughs from both of them, Jaebum swearing up and down he would invest when the time was right, noting that other more important things had come into his life since he started saving, not bothering with subtleties as he motioned in Jinyoung’s direction. After the meal, they walked along the strip of shops hand in hand, this time in comfortable silence, landing right in front of the decorated shop windows, Jaebum smiling at all of the decorations that hadn’t changed from two years prior.

“It’s crazy,” he smiled, looking over at Jinyoung as their faces were nearly pressed into the glass. “I was so nervous that night.”

“You were?” Jinyoung asked, slightly surprised at the confession. “But you seemed so… relaxed. You even got me to confess how I felt about you. No one could ever do that.”

“Even if I had an assumption about how you felt, it wasn’t confirmed yet,” Jaebum shrugged. “You made me nervous. In a good way, of course.”

“Yeah?” Jinyoung smiled and bit his lip, enjoying the tiny admission from his boyfriend. “Don’t worry. You still make me nervous, too.”

“In a good way?”

“Always.”

 

***

 

Shaking his head to snap him back to reality, Jinyoung abruptly stood up from his designated seat on the rocks, nearly tumbling in the water completely before saving himself. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, he refocused his energy, getting his shoes back on before beginning the trip back across the beach back to the hotel. He had nearly dozed off in his own thoughts, filtering through the bittersweet memories of what had made his life so special with Jaebum. It was almost humorous how he had taken so much for granted, had fought so much of it from the start when all he wanted to do in that moment was kick and scream, begging to forget it even happened.

As Jinyoung took the elevator back to his room, he pictured the wedding a little differently, Mark and Jackson dancing their first dance together, tears sparkling in their eyes. Jinyoung would be watching from his table, dreamily imagining his future day as well, a soft hand moving to rest of top of his. He would lift his head up and meet Jaebum’s eyes, sharing the same unspoken thought of _that could be us one day_. But it was only a tiny fantasy, Jinyoung hoping he wouldn’t even be within range of Jaebum during any slow songs, wondering to himself if Mark had ever mentioned an open bar in passing.

Stepping out of the elevator and down the hall, Jinyoung stopped at a vending machine, selecting an ice cold soda before continuing on his way, turning the corner and looking ahead. Nearly jumping out of his skin, Jinyoung’s eyes went wide at the sight in front of him, body quickly moving back around the corner from which he came, silently hoping that he was quiet enough to not be noticed. Taking another calm breath, Jinyoung counted to three mentally before slowly peeking around the corner, trying his best to not get caught.

Standing in front of Jinyoung’s hotel room door was Jaebum, alone. He was fidgeting with his hands, biting his lip and pacing in a tiny circle as if something was on his mind. Jinyoung watched as Jaebum closed his eyes and sighed, reaching out his hand as if he were to knock on the door, only to snatch it back, cursing under his breath. While it was almost comical how nervous Jaebum looked, Jinyoung was only feeling panic, wondering why on _earth_ Jaebum was there in the first place, acting all jittery and apprehensive, stopping himself from knocking every time. _Do it, you bastard,_ Jinyoung thought to himself, _knock and see what happens. I know you want to._

Several attempts later, Jaebum pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, groaning in frustration before giving another longing look to the door, turning on his heel to walk in the opposite direction of Jinyoung’s current location. It was the weirdest thing Jinyoung had seen Jaebum do, knowing that the older boy usually made up his mind and made the best use of his time by making things happen. If he wanted to talk to Jinyoung, why hadn’t he stopped him at the dinner? If he wanted to talk, why didn’t he knock? If he had so much to say, why couldn’t Jinyoung figure out what it might be about?

Waiting to see if Jaebum would have a change of heart, Jinyoung lurked around the corner for a few more minutes until he deemed the coast clear enough, rushing to his door and unlocking it, slipping inside and exhaling. With the constant thoughts of what had and what could have been, plus the sight of his ex-lover appearing at practically his front step, Jinyoung was finally exhausted enough to sleep, returning to the bed that had betrayed him earlier in the night, letting his eyes get the rest they deserved while his mind continued to process the scene.

_Maybe he knows, you know? Maybe he feels it, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> boyfriend: confirmed. an awkward near run-in at the hotel: confirmed. still in love? tbd.
> 
> the next chapter is the wedding and let me say.................................. it's going to be verrrrrryyyyyy interesting to see how jinyoung handles it. even without the added stress from jb/youngjae he would be uncomfortable, so we'll see how he enjoys being around so many clichés.
> 
> thank you! for! reading! and commenting and kudos and everything. would love to hear any questions you have so far as well :)
> 
> xoxo  
> twitter/tumblr: switch the k and s in my username here!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now the moment you've all been waiting for: the Markson wedding.

Weddings were a time for two people who loved each other to come together and make an unbreakable promise that they would be there for the other in good times and in bad, to always be each other’s rock no matter what. Jinyoung, on the other hand, believed that weddings were a time to bring everyone’s attention to yourself, bragging about how _amazing_ and _special_ your love was to a group of people that were guilted into bringing a gift to express how much they gave a shit about you as a person. However, Jinyoung found himself thinking slightly otherwise as he drank his coffee in bed the morning of Mark and Jackson’s wedding, unable to deny the slight bubble of excitement to see two of his closest friends finally seal the deal in a lavish setting. If anyone could make it, it would have to be them, the two inseparable since reuniting all those years ago at the party, leaving Jinyoung to only shrug at his new acquaintanceship with Jaebum.

After his near run-in with the other man, Jinyoung had felt slightly on edge, wondering if Jaebum would surface later that night or even early this morning to finish what he may have set out to do. But a knock never came, letting Jinyoung rest as much as possible before rising early, enjoying a quick cup of coffee as he stared at his neatly-pressed outfit for the day hanging from the bathroom door. When Mark had first explained that they would be getting married in Hawaii, Jinyoung assumed the worst, imagining sand in his shoes and no backup plan if the ceremony would be rained out. Once he was assured that they had picked a beautiful indoor setting that gave the attendees a beachy and open vibe instead of folding chairs leading down to the shoreline, Jinyoung was able to relax, knowing he could shop for something a little more his style than the skin-exposing outfits he had observed in destination weddings online.

Once he finished his coffee, Jinyoung went through the rest of his morning routine, brushing his teeth and freshening up before changing into his suit, deciding to wear socks with his dress shoes as it was a special day for his friends and he could already hear the subtle jokes in his head if he didn’t. Looking in the mirror, Jinyoung admired how the tailored garment fit his body perfectly, hugging the slight dip of his waist and accentuating his plump behind. While the suit may have looked a bit plain, Jinyoung chose a skinny silk tie to lace under his collar, tying it in the perfect bow to finish the look. Sweeping his hair up from his forehead and back with a tiny bit of gel, Jinyoung nodded at his reflection in approval before taking anything else he needed for the day, leaving his room quietly. The walk from the elevators to the hall was uneventful, finally arriving and following the signs that led him down a hallway to the room where Mark would be getting ready, knocking softly before letting himself inside. Offering a quick hello to a few family members that had already gathered, they pointed him in the direction of the restroom, knowing he would want to be with the groom as he prepared to walk down the aisle.

“It’s finally here,” Jinyoung chuckled as he stepped inside, spotting Mark in the corner fussing with some buttons on his shirt, immediately coming over to help him out. “How are you feeling?”

“Stressed,” Mark sighed, closing his eyes as he let Jinyoung finish adjusting his formal white shirt. “I know it’s supposed to be my day, but I want it to be perfect. Not for me, but for…”

“I know,” Jinyoung smiled, patting Mark on the shoulder before walking over and grabbing his jacket, taking it off the hanger. “Jackson will love it no matter what.”

“He worked so hard to get every little detail right,” Mark smiled softly, arms sliding through each sleeve easily, brushing away the invisible specks of dust from the cuffs. “I want it to look exactly how he imagined it.”

“I know it will,” Jinyoung reassured, hand firm on Mark’s slim shoulder, offering the best smile he could manage. “I mean, you got me here in my suit. That was probably one of the hardest things on the checklist.”

“At least you are self-aware enough to know that,” Mark laughed, beginning to put on his tie, looking back into the mirror. “There was a brief moment where I honestly considered keeping this whole thing back home. You’d be less of a flight risk.”

“Wow, I’m offended,” Jinyoung chuckled, shaking his head as he sat in a plush chair in the corner of the restroom, watching Mark as he tied a few practice knots. “Don’t expect me to thank you for trusting me.”

“Expect something kind from you? Never,” Mark laughed, the burst of energy echoing between the stalls and walls. “Besides, you’ve grown up. You’re a mature adult now, Jinyoungie.”

“Am not,” Jinyoung huffed, feigning offence as he whipped his head away from the older boy. “There’s still time for an impromptu temper tantrum.”

“Not on my watch,” Mark warned, turning once his tie was perfectly twisted through his shirt collar, pointing a finger towards the chair. “You know I’ll get my way no matter what.”

“I thought you said Jackson was the bridezilla,” Jinyoung giggled, scrunching back into the corner of the chair as Mark practically lunged at him, playfully wrestling together like they had done a million times before, letting the tension and nerves slowly sink away.

A few moments after Jinyoung had conceded the brief scuffle to Mark, the pair went back into the main room, briefly chatting with Mark’s family members about various items to remember during the ceremony, the rest of the wedding party for his side filing in shortly after. Jinyoung exchanged a playful conversation with Yugyeom, the older boy floating on an odd bliss that came with the strange sense of adrenaline from what was about to happen, knowing that day was anything but ordinary. It had been a long time coming ever since Mark would babble about the mystery boy that was up for anything at the party during that one fateful summer, Jinyoung mentally reminiscing about his best friend’s quest to never give up on finding him again.

Soon, the party was alerted that they would have to start lining up, Mark remaining in the room with his parents until it would be his turn to walk, not wanting to risk the chance of running into Jackson before he walked down the aisle directly after. Before leaving, Jinyoung squeezed Mark’s body tight, giving him a confident thumbs up before leaving the room, trailing behind the rest of the group. However, Jinyoung’s relaxed satisfaction was short lived once he saw who was already outside in the hall waiting, Jaebum’s broad shoulders resting against the wall as he leaned back, glasses absent from his sharp nose. It wasn’t the only thing Jinyoung noticed as his eyes scanned his body quickly, taking inventory of the fitted slacks and coordinating jacket Jackson had most likely chosen for him, classic tie exchanged for a skinnier version. As Jinyoung’s eyes continued up, Jaebum’s gaze suddenly flickered to meet it in the middle, eyes subtly softening at the realization that Jinyoung had been staring. With a slight blush, Jinyoung pretended to clear his throat, slowly making his way over to the other.

“No glasses today?” Jinyoung asked innocently, one eyebrow slightly raised. “Or were they just for appearances only?”

“I’m sure you’ll be sad to learn they’re real,” Jaebum laughed quietly, shaking his head. “Ankles not making a statement today?”

“Today is about Mark and Jackson, not my legs,” Jinyoung crossed his arms against his chest, smiling. “We all have to make sacrifices.”

“Was one of them agreeing to wear this?” Jaebum moved himself from the wall, talking a small stride forward to reach towards Jinyoung’s chest, gently twisting the loose end of the younger boy’s string tie in between fingers in a way Jinyoung would once upon a time describe as ‘rude.’ It was the closest they had been in years while both of them were sober, Jinyoung gulping back whatever word vomit was brewing, tilting his head before swatting the older boy’s hand away.

“Save it,” Jinyoung grinned, hoping the strain behind it wasn’t completely obvious. “You know I’m the only one in this building who can pull it off.”

“Whatever you say, Jinyoungie,” Jaebum chuckled, shaking his head as the group was finally told to get in order, everyone pairing off as Mark and Jackson had requested at the rehearsal, seconds counting down before the music started and the hall’s doors were opened. Jaebum and Jinyoung stood shoulder to shoulder at the back of the procession, the two being the last to enter together before Mark would be escorted up next. Jinyoung kept his arms folded in front of him, eyes straight ahead as he took calm breaths, trying to block out the entire being next to him, images of Jaebum nearly knocking on his hotel door the night before creeping up in his mind.

A few minutes later, the music began to open the ceremony, everyone following the patterns they had practiced. The rest of the men in Mark and Jackson’s parties went first, Jinyoung’s eyes looking anywhere but beside him, knowing that Jaebum was most likely wearing a soft stare forward. If this had only been a few years earlier, he would have happily linked his arm with Jaebum’s, looking up into his eyes as he always did, sharing the connecting glance that had always been their trademark. It would have felt like their own moment together, as if their simple walk had its own meaning, but instead they were basically strangers, Jinyoung letting his arms rest by his sides, accidentally brushing his knuckles against Jaebum’s. Snapping his head over, Jaebum pulled his arm back suddenly, their eyes meeting through the sudden tension, stuck in a magnetic pull, unable to break apart. Jinyoung tried to search through Jaebum’s pupils, desperately wanting to spit out what he saw him doing the night before, but it wasn’t the time, both of them being guided to begin their walk down the aisle together.

Looking straight ahead, Jinyoung began to walk forward, Jaebum matching his pace as they stepped foot into the hall, the floor to ceiling windows letting in the most beautiful rays of sunlight, a few opened panes letting a light breeze blow across the room gently. Petals scattered under his feet, collecting around the beautifully coordinated linens that matched the decorations on each row, every seat filled with people most important to the happy couple. Straight ahead, Jinyoung recognized the simple and elegant arch Jackson had been designing with their florist for weeks, noticing his final selections twisting around the frame, groomsmen lined up on either side. As they reached the altar, Jinyoung and Jaebum went to their own place on either side, the younger boy still flustered from their accidental touches in the hall, line of vision moving to the back of the hall, knowing who would be next.

Standing with his parents on either side, Mark began his short stroll, smiling brightly, hair styled up and to the side, looking much more put together than Jinyoung could ever imagine. They had been friends for most of their lives and yet Jinyoung never guessed he would be in another country watching him get married to another man he also considered a friend. Never one to get too emotional, Jinyoung had to look away, feeling a slight sting of tears welling up in his eyes just at the simple idea, lifting his hand up to brush them away. The slight movement was enough to catch Jaebum’s eye across the altar, their eyes meeting yet again, Jinyoung thrown back into the process of thinking of all the words he wished he could say.

_I know it’s weird, Jaebum. I know you’ve moved on and you have the life you’ve always deserved, but it’s not that easy for me. I don’t have much except my friends and my past, I don’t think that’s enough for anyone, especially you. How did you do it, Jaebum? How did you get everything you deserved?_

Jinyoung knew he should be looking back down the aisle for Jackson to enter or even at Mark who had finally made it to the front, but he couldn’t stop staring at the way the light filtered behind Jaebum’s silhouette like it always did in the library, particles of nearly invisible dust settling around him. If Jinyoung was the most beautiful thing Jaebum had ever seen the moment they had met, Jinyoung would have to disagree, praying the photographers on staff were able to capture Jaebum’s stunning presence, wanting a memento to compare his own mental image to. Jaebum didn’t look away, eyes firmly fixated on some part of Jinyoung that he couldn’t explicitly determine. It was like torture, unable to move or escape from the metaphorical grasp of Jaebum’s vision, locked into place as he was subject to an examination against his will. It was probably all Jaebum had wanted since he had returned home, a view of Jinyoung without an interruption, able to judge him for what he really was.

Feeling guilty for being pulled into Jaebum’s orbit, Jinyoung willingly broke the staring contest, focusing on Jackson making his way to the altar, eyes wet with tears as he clung to his parents, Mark already wearing a watery smile as they came together. Jinyoung didn’t think it was possible for Jackson to shine brighter than he did on a daily basis, but he was positively radiant, hands slightly trembling as they took a firm hold of Mark’s, standing closer together as the ceremony began. As Jinyoung assumed, it was fairly traditional, following the same steps Jinyoung had seen many times before, observing his friends closely as they went through the motions, eyes and smiles never wavering. Sure, it was slightly repulsive and a tad boring, but Jinyoung would have traveled the world by foot to be there for his two closest friends, knowing he would always want to be a part of their lives, no matter what.

“Mark,” Jackson began his vows with a smile, hand shaking slightly as he held a tiny piece of paper between his fingers. “My Yi-En. I know that today of all days, you will be surprised to learn that I can be quiet when I need to be. Before I met you, I thought I had experienced the best times, the funniest jokes and laughs. I didn’t know that having someone always there for you made those things even better, keeping a smile almost permanently on my face, even through bad times. We met by chance, but is anything really that easy? When I look at you, I know that you are the only one, my shining star in the night, the one who keeps me grounded and reminds me it’s okay to feel and be human, that I can have a bad day even when I least expect it. You keep my heart light, my hopes soaring, my body warm. You’re everything I could ever dream of. I love you, Mark. More than I could ever say.”

_You’re everything I never dreamed of, but didn’t that make us special? I love you, Jaebum. More than I ever did say._

“Jia-Er,” Mark smiled, trying to subtly wipe his tears from the corners of his eyes. “We shouldn’t work, you know that? You’re loud and wild, a streak of energy bouncing off every wall immediately after stepping into a room. You have twice as many people here today because of who you are and how easily you can make and keep a friend, most of the time for life. I didn’t know what I was in for once we found each other, but it’s been the most exciting adventure of my life. I felt like I’ve known you since we were kids, the way you bring up old stories I’ve only briefly mentioned or how you volunteer to do anything for my family without me asking first. You have a heart of gold and I’m privileged to be able to have a part of that. Without you, my life wouldn’t have as much life, as much color as the vivid scenery I see every day with you by my side. You make me… well, me. I love you, Jackson. I always will.”

_Without you, life got harder and gray, traces of you only lingering in my head. You made me better, Jaebum. I love you, and I always have._

Blinking back the sudden wave of emotions behind his eyes, Jinyoung waited to be summoned over, handing the ring over with a soft smile, returning to his original position quickly. The emotions were becoming a force of their own, keeping Jinyoung’s face fixed on whatever Mark and Jackson were doing instead of wandering over into dangerous territories. Simple words had moved him to a dark place he would rather not address, floodgates in front of thousands of memories cracking and falling apart. It was hard enough to go through all of this alone, but watching Jaebum live his life without him in it was making it worse, Jinyoung’s leg twitching as he prayed for the ceremony to wrap on time. As if his wish was suddenly granted, Mark and Jackson shared their first kiss as a married couple, smiles connecting into one, a loud cheer ringing through the hall. Jinyoung clapped and let out a few hollers of his own, letting the procession leave the hall, not letting a few bumps of Jaebum’s shoulder on his own get to him. He was happy for his friends, the two that were totally meant for each other, but the heavy weight lurking on his shoulder was becoming a nuisance, reminding him of what was, and maybe, what could have been.

Once back into the rooms down the hall, everyone continued to chat amongst themselves, hugs and smiles being exchanged freely between everyone, even friendly strangers. Jinyoung preferred to head to a corner, fishing his phone out from his pocket and checking the time, messing around between some random apps to pass the time. Glancing up to see if Mark and Jackson would be making an appearance, Jinyoung could only spot Jaebum, casually leaning into what seemed like an intimate conversation with Youngjae, smile still firm on his lips. At that moment, Jinyoung had wished he had brought anyone along, even a random ex-coworker or something of the like, wanting to rant and bitch about everything he wasn’t fond of. Instead, his closest friends were off celebrating, leaving him to stew in his bitterness.

A few moments later, Mark’s father let everyone know that Mark and Jackson wouldn’t be coming out, Jinyoung stifling a laugh as he could only guess what they were up to instead. With a few hours until the cocktail hour and reception, Jinyoung said a brief goodbye to the families, slipping out the door to head back to his room for a quick nap. After all of the excitement of the morning, Jinyoung was looking forward to resting his head on a soft pillow, sleeping until he absolutely had to get ready again. The walk back to the room was short, Jinyoung able to get in and out of his formal clothes quickly, sliding between the sheets in only his boxer briefs. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he took a deep breath, pressing his cheek into the pillow, dozing off quietly as he ignored the troubled thoughts that came from the longing glances of his ex-boyfriend.

 

 

The nap went by too quickly, Jinyoung startled from a dream about absolutely nothing by his phone’s alarm rattling against the end table. While the sun had descended in the sky, it was still fairly bright out, Jinyoung groaning to himself as he remembered he’d have to get back into his formalwear, making a note to try to look even hotter than he did in the morning in an attempt to steal some of Jaebum’s attention again. It was an odd feeling to see him with someone else, yet still feel a slight shiver down his back as Jaebum approached him, almost momentarily forgetting that they weren’t together and that one had clearly moved on completely. Jinyoung had no intentions to steal Jaebum away that night as it was clear how the other felt, but it couldn’t hurt to at least have some additional attention from other guests pointed in his direction, knowing he would still be the best dressed there.

After getting his entire ensemble back on, Jinyoung adjusted his tie in the mirror, playing with the strand that had been looped between Jaebum’s calloused and stubby fingers. He had known Jaebum would like it, the older boy always loving when Jinyoung would showcase his slightly left-of-center fashion taste, but he hadn’t expected the other to so delicately examine it for himself, leaving Jinyoung imagining the other countless nights Jaebum had yanked and tugged on his various articles of clothing to get exactly what he wanted. With a hollow sigh and brief mental image of Jaebum tying him to a headboard, Jinyoung laced up his shoes and left for the reception, hotel key safely placed in his pocket.

By the time Jinyoung had walked back to the same room they were in before, it had been turned completely upside down, light and airy features swapped for a party atmosphere, a few of the large windows now completely open, leading down to a decorated area along the shore. Tables filled every space in the room except for a large block in the middle reserved for the dance floor, a DJ in place of where the altar once was. One wall had a few different food stations while an open bar ran directly perpendicular to it, a few people already indulging in some much needed cocktails. Jinyoung had to admit the space looked beautiful once again, noticing the details the couple had put into everything.

Deciding it was time to kickstart his night, Jinyoung wandered over to the bar, ordering himself a beer to start, not wanting to get too crazy too early in the night. As he took a sip, he noticed Yugyeom and Bambam heading his way, offering a slight nod before they joined him, ordering a mixed drink each.

“Some ceremony, right?” Yugyeom smiled, leaning his back against the bar. “Really beautiful.”

“A little cheesy for my tastes,” Bambam offered, shrugging his slim shoulders. “But I can get down with their whole ‘soulmates’ bit.”

“Do you believe in that?” Jinyoung asked, eyebrow raised. “Soulmates, I mean. Finding that one person because it was destiny?”

“Hell no,” Bambam laughed, tilting his head back more than humanly possible. “If I see someone I’m into, I’m making it happen, no matter what. That’s not fate, that’s sheer determination. I want the credit for it happening, not some fake idea of something in the stars.”

“I don’t know,” Yugyeom offered softly, a polite smile gracing his lips. “Even if it’s not real, it’s still a nice idea. What’s so bad about thinking someone was giving you a little help?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bambam accused, giggling under his breath. “You’re such a dreamer.”

“So, what?” Yugyeom shrugged, smiling as he stuck to his guns. “I am who I am. Besides, who wouldn’t want to be a part of relationship that seems like it was picked from a storybook?”

“Sorry to ruin your perfect world,” Jinyoung smiled as if he were proud to admit he was the asshole most people were afraid of becoming. “But, I believe I fill that role quite well.”

“Do you ever get tired?” Bambam asked, twirling the tiny black straw in his mouth.

“Of what?” Jinyoung asked, folding his arms across his chest, already acting defensive.

“Acting like you’re too good to be happy,” Bambam giggled, Yugyeom punching his forearm before Jinyoung could reach over, the youngest protecting the stick-figured boy with his body.

“Bunch of brats…,” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath, taking another swig of his beer as he wondered how he ended up with two of the most immature individuals invited to the event, scanning the room again for any other familiar bodies. Besides the families, Jinyoung didn’t recognize anyone, even coming up short when he specifically sought out the man with a boyfriend he didn’t find himself too fond of.

Minutes passed, turning into an hour, Jinyoung finally a few beers deep to keep up with the rapid crossfire of conversation Bambam and Yugyeom had fallen into, the newly named ‘best friends’ still learning everything there was to know about the other. Once Jinyoung spotted Mark’s parents, he knew it was time to line back up outside to make an entrance again, sighing deeply at all of the faux appearances he had to keep up with. It was overwhelming to say the least, the nap he took earlier not feeling nearly as refreshing as it needed to be as he was finally reunited with Jaebum, his hair slightly disheveled, a lump forming in Jinyoung’s throat that he couldn’t help but make worse.

“How did you spend your free time between this morning and just now?” Jinyoung asked, shoulder to shoulder again, eyes straight ahead. “Did Youngjae have any fun ideas?”

“Yeah, a nap,” Jaebum deadpanned, knowing exactly what Jinyoung was accusing him of. “Seems like someone woke up on the wrong side of one.”

“You know damn well this is how I always am,” Jinyoung turned his head slightly, shooting a glare he hoped was menacing enough. “Or have you forgotten?”

“Forget what, you?” Jaebum laughed, the tops of Jinyoung’s ears turning bright red. “I think I’ve been damaged enough, thanks.”

“Typical,” Jinyoung muttered under his breath, resuming his forward-facing position as Mark and Jackson finally arrived, waving like crazy to everyone before they were forced to the back of the line, the DJ starting the music for their entrance. As each group walked inside, Jinyoung mustered up enough energy to at least smile as he walked past all of the guests inside, immediately sitting down at his place to Mark’s right, Jaebum three seats away next to Jackson. Thankful that the table was long and narrow, Jinyoung let out a sigh of relief, leaning back to get a bit more comfortable, watching as the guests all took their seats at the table.

“Rough day?” Mark giggled, glancing over at Jinyoung as he offered a small pout.

“I told myself I wouldn’t complain,” Jinyoung groaned. “Especially to you.”

“You could honestly tell me the building was on fire right now and I wouldn’t care,” Mark sighed dreamily, eyes still glistening with joy. “I am married and had post-marital sex. I’m living the dream.”

“Already? Jeez,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “No one is surprised.”

“I figured,” Mark smiled, giving Jinyoung’s thigh a reassuring tap. “You’re doing great so far, Jinyoungie. Now we’ll get to eat and have a good time. You can make it.”

“I’m trying my best,” Jinyoung sat up straighter as the staff began to serve their meal. “But you owe me.”

“If you say so,” Mark chuckled, shaking his head as Jinyoung continued to pout, starting to pick at the salad placed in front of him, ignoring the urge to scrape off his tomatoes onto Jaebum’s plate in exchange for his extra croutons.

 

 

The meal was delicious from start to finish, everything selected by the pair fitting for a beautiful and lavish night along the water. Jinyoung was picking at his last bit of food as the DJ mentioned that it was time to make their toasts, the microphone offered to Jaebum first. It was Jinyoung’s turn to get nervous again, watching and listening closely as the other boy began, standing up proudly in front of every guest.

“As you heard, my name is Jaebum and I am Jackson’s best man tonight,” he smiled, Jinyoung hating the way he could pinpoint the exact mark under his lip where his lip ring used to be. “I know everyone is expecting some crazy story about Jackson and how I noticed a change when he met Mark, but that’s not really my style. What I want to say is that Jackson has always been so full of love. Being friends for so long, Jackson and I have always been close, so seeing him find someone to offer his heart to was an extremely rewarding experience. There were times when I never thought he would find someone who would cherish him like he would treat someone else, almost afraid he might get taken advantage of. But Mark wasn’t like that and I knew we would become fast friends as well. Jackson once said that he didn’t care what he did for a living as long as when he got home from work, the person would be waiting there at the door for him with a kiss and a hug, maybe even some cookies if he was even luckier. While I can’t speak for Mark as a baker, I can say that there’s been no one better suited for each other in this world. You both are a true representation of love and understanding, a model couple for all of us on this planet who sometimes can lose hope that it can happen for us, too. I wish you nothing but the best, here’s to you both!”

Jinyoung was furious. Of course, Jaebum had written a beautiful speech that was short and sweet, not relying on tired tropes and embarrassing stories, letting their relationship speak for itself. It was nearly offensive that Jinyoung was the communication major, unable to speak as eloquently without practicing a million times, words scribbled on a torn sheet of lined paper, ink smudged from nervous perspiration. If he was jealous of Jaebum, so be it, but he had to talk next, Mark’s encouraging smile not doing much to help the cause as Jaebum sat down. With a nod, Jinyoung stood up immediately, nearly knocking his chair over in the process, Mark’s quick reflexes catching it before it went to the ground.

“Oh, um, yes,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, smoothing the paper against the table as he began. “I’m Jinyoung, Mark’s best friend for… well, almost forever. Well, not forever, but long enough, you know?”

_Great start, asshole._

“Anyway, if you know me, you probably know how I feel about love. Finding your other half in this world is… impossible. There’s no way that anyone should be able to do it, yet Mark did. He calls it fate, I call it inevitable dumb luck, but either way,” Jinyoung took a breath, trying to ease his nerves as he continued, “I have to be supportive of my friends in love. I’m not as lucky as them by any means, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate who they’ve become together. I never would have guessed Mark would settle down so quickly, trusting someone with his entire heart that isn’t me. But he did in Jackson, the only person Mark has ever been romantically linked to that I can get along with as well. And isn’t that what’s most important here?”

Jinyoung’s words were met with pleasant laughter, Mark and Jackson both smiling in encouragement as he continued to wrap it up.

“If I ever find love or my other half or whatever you want to call it,” Jinyoung read, voice stronger than before. “I’ll want it to rival what Mark and Jackson have. They’ve set the standard so high, but no one should give up trying to reach that. To Mark and Jackson, best of luck.”

Through the cheers and clinking of glassware, Jinyoung breathed out, satisfied with the pleasant reaction his words had caused, ignoring the wistful stare Jaebum was offering from down the table, expression something unreadable like it was the night before.

 

 

“Don’t you want to dance?”

Jinyoung was still in his seat at the table even after cake had been served, sulking as he sipped on another beer Bambam had forced into his hand. Yugyeom was shimmying in place as the two younger boys tried to convince him to get up, not wanting him to waste his time in a beautiful place.

“I don’t dance,” Jinyoung replied, arms folded against his chest. “Besides, even if I did, everyone looks like an idiot.”

“It’s a wedding, not a ballroom dance class,” Yugyeom offered, laughing at Jinyoung refusal to move. “It’s supposed to be bad.”

“Says you!” Jinyoung laughed. “You both are too good at this. Do you practice or something?”

“Yes,” Yugyeom replied with a straight face. “Maybe you should join us one day, too.”

“I’ll pass for now…,” Jinyoung sighed, shaking his head. “By the way, I thought you two didn’t know each other before the bachelor party.”

“We didn’t,” Bambam replied, another colorful mixed drink held delicately in his hand. “But we’re basically best friends already.”

“How does everyone do it…,” Jinyoung groaned, head in his hands as leaned forward, the urge to smack his forehead against the table too tempting.

“Easily,” Yugyeom chuckled, leaning forward into the table to whisper into Jinyoung’s ear loudly. “It’s _fate_ , Jinyoung. Believe in it!”

Popping his head up with a nasty glare, Yugyeom jumped back, Bambam giggling as he dragged him into the crowd, the pair disappearing amongst the attendees. Jinyoung slouched back, arms draped across his lap as he went back to staring at the group ahead, observing the different pairings and styles of movement. There were the parents and grandparents, cousins and relatives, friends and coworkers. Of course, none were a match for what Jinyoung wanted to watch most, eyes focusing on Jaebum at the edge of the crowd with Youngjae, the pair laughing and giggling as they jokingly moved around each others’ bodies.

Jinyoung didn’t dance, but he wished so badly he did at that moment, imagining the look on Jaebum’s face if he were to waltz right up to him and take his hand, guiding him into a sultry tango or free form contemporary dance. Instead, Jinyoung found solace in how clunky Jaebum seemed on his feet, unable to match the fluidity Youngjae somehow possessed, both of them bent over laughing at what Jinyoung assumed was a terrible joke. Once the burst of joy had been reeled back in, Jinyoung watched as Jaebum grabbed Youngjae’s hand and kissed him on the lips, one hand on his side to keep his body flush against his own. Jinyoung swore he felt something physically shift, grabbing onto the table before realizing it was all in his head, the other guests still going about their business as if nothing had happened. It was a simple peck, but to Jinyoung it only made his heart ache more, the tiny piece of him that had hoped it was all a cover up or lie to make Jinyoung jealous slowly dying off.

_You’re so bitter, you know that? At least get some fresh air or something. You need to do something to make this night better._

Finally standing up from his chair, Jinyoung walked along the perimeter of the room, casually strolling out into the small decorated area, the sky coated with a layer of tiny stars. Small waves rolled in from the ocean, the sounds soothing to Jinyoung’s perpetual annoyance. Taking a deep breath, Jinyoung closed his eyes as he leaned against a tall table lined with tiny votive candles, attempting to clear his mind from all of the pent-up feelings he had pushed away for years, begging his brain to return to its usual state. However, a looming presence Jinyoung couldn’t completely forget made himself known, leaning against the table along the other edge.

“You know,” Jaebum began, speaking softly as if he didn’t want to interrupt the sounds of the beach at night. “There’s more to weddings than sulking around.”

“I’m allowed to sulk,” Jinyoung immediately spat back. “I’ve been well-behaved all day and Jackson and Mark are already in la la land. No one cares if I glare at everyone the rest of the night.”

“I care,” Jaebum offered, Jinyoung whipping his head around in confusion.

“You care?” Jinyoung nearly laughed, shaking his head. “Jaebum, go back to your boyfriend. You don’t have to feel responsible for me just because I’m alone.”

“I just thought you could use a bit of company,” Jaebum replied softly, shrugging his jacket off his broad shoulders. “Even if it was from me.”

“Wow, thank you,” Jinyoung retorted, the twang of sarcasm hanging on every word. “I definitely want to be comforted by my ex-boyfriend at a wedding where he brought his new boyfriend and talks about his amazing job and gets along with everyone even though he’s been gone for years. Thanks so fucking much, Jaebum. Really.”

“Seriously?” Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head, pushing himself back into a standing position. “I was being genuine, Jinyoung. I’m not out to get you. Really. I just know Mark and Jackson are all you have out here…”

“And Yugyeom,” Jinyoung crossed his arms, facing Jaebum head on. “And Bambam. They’re my friends, too.”

“Okay…,” Jaebum conceded, a dash of confusion wrinkling his forehead. “I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Jinyoung noted, shaking his head in annoyance again. “You don’t know me at all anymore, Jaebum. I might not have a nice car or a nice boyfriend or a nice job, but I’m here and I’m surviving somehow, even if it’s on a day-to-day basis. I might not have it all like you do, but I don’t need to hear any of your lowkey bragging. Save it for your boyfriend who you dragged across the ocean just to shove all this in my face.”

“There’s still time, Jinyoungie,” Jaebum replied, a calm tone the complete opposite of what Jinyoung expected, the older boy’s face reminiscent of the same expression worn when Jinyoung would fight until he verbally couldn’t anymore. “You’re already doing all you can by taking it a day at a time. The rest will come when it’s ready.”

“Thanks,” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath, looking back out across the water. “Didn’t know you had so much great career and life advice inside of you.”

“It’s almost as if I knew you once upon a time,” Jaebum smiled, the corners of his lips tugging up enough to keep it from looking as sad as Jinyoung felt it was. “If you’re still that same person, I know it will all come to you. It’s not over, Jinyoung. Believe me.”

Looking up again, Jinyoung felt himself being absorbed directly into the darkened irises of Jaebum’s eyes, the gentle noises of the nature surrounding them as he considered what the older boy just said. He didn’t like to think about the things that lead them to their breakup, the way that Jaebum had broken things off on the phone and the in-person meeting that only made things worse. It had been a rough two years without speaking, but Jinyoung almost preferred the lack of communication over Jaebum’s vague comparisons and shoddy advice, wishing he could ask explicitly what the older meant when he wavered on the phrase _it’s not over_. Shaking his head to snap out of his trance, Jinyoung adjusted his tie, looking at Jaebum almost like a challenge he needed to solve before he could completely move on himself.

“I’m heading back in,” Jinyoung noted. “Please don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum began to reach over, a forceful glare from Jinyoung stopping him in his tracks. “I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“You’re not upsetting me,” Jinyoung practically lied, stepping back. “I just want to get through this on my own. Thanks for… whatever bullshit you tried to sell me on, though.”

With a mean smirk, Jinyoung backed away completely, leaving Jaebum alone outside while he walked back into the hall, marching over to the bar and ordering the usual from his college days. After happily downing several shots on his own, he was joined by his younger friends, the pair seemingly satisfied with Jinyoung’s new outlook on the night, ready to let loose with him no matter the consequences. The amount of drinking rivaled that of the bachelor party, Jinyoung finally letting himself have one thing that night, not caring if he was the only one frantically shoving dollar bills into the open bar tip jar every single round.

It was so typical of himself to ignore what he should actually be doing, instead filling up on booze and regret, strolling into the center of the room once he had enough liquid confidence to dance. Surrounded by his new friends, Jinyoung let his body move to whatever music the DJ selected, wiggling his hips and rolling his entire body, Yugyeom and Bambam demonstrating simple, yet effective moves to correspond with certain tracks. If anyone had asked, Jinyoung would have denied that he liked the attention he was receiving, but the way he lifted up his suit jacket as he shook his ass said differently, Bambam and Yugyeom both laughing and encouraging him more and more before the trio returned back to the bar for more.

While the two younger boys ran off to the restroom to freshen up, Jinyoung ordered yet another beverage, leaning against the bar as he struggled to get the straw in his mouth, tongue darting all along the edge of the glass. Groaning before he finally mastered it, Jinyoung took a long sip, sighing happily as he closed his eyes, savoring the sweetness on his tongue. It was the best distraction from any negative energy in the room, Jinyoung hardly even flinching as someone else appeared by his side.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a drink that color,” a stranger that had just stopped at the bar smiled in Jinyoung’s direction, turning back to the bartender. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

“Don’t you want to know what’s in it first?” Jinyoung asked, an eyebrow raised at his daring nature. “What if you… have an allergy or something.”

“I think I’ll be fine,” he grinned, holding his hand out for a handshake. “I’m Kang-joon. I don’t know if I was more impressed with your toast or those dance moves I just witnessed.”

“Jinyoung,” he blushed, hand covering one cheek as he shook the other’s hand. “And I’m really sorry you had to witness any of that.”

“Don’t be,” Kang-joon grinned, drinking from his straw. “I enjoyed the show.”

Jinyoung knew better than to look up from under his flirty lashes, admiring the messily-styled brown mop on the other boy, pink lips and straight nose next on the list. His suit was black on black, tailored even more impeccably than his own, wrist studded with a high-end watch. It was as if someone was looking out for him after his miserable experience with Jaebum outside, planting a beautiful specimen of a man right in front of him that enjoyed the same drinks and even admired his poor dance moves, sending another silent thank you to whoever blessed him with a bottom like his.

“Thank you,” Jinyoung smiled, leaning in a bit closer, careful to not stumble over his own feet. “Maybe we could do it all again together?”

“If you insist,” Kang-joon nodded in agreement, the two finishing their drinks before strolling back into the middle of the floor, Jinyoung demonstrating the moves he had been so proud of, letting Kang-joon follow his movements. While they may have been awkward, Jinyoung couldn’t stop the string of genuine laughter falling from his mouth, nearly doubling over in joy as he watched his moves being replicated perfectly. After watching the other, Jinyoung went back to following the beat on his own, perfectly round backside getting a workout, purposefully arching his back as if he were seducing the other man in front of all the other guests. Jinyoung knew he was doing this for more than just himself; he knew there was another set of eyes hopefully lurking and watching, taking note of what was once his but wasn’t any longer.

After a delightfully embarrassing round of movements, Jinyoung found himself pressed against the other man, face-to-face, happy to simply have some bodily contact instead of making a fool of one another. Kang-joon knew better than to get too lewd in front of family members and other attendees, slyly sticking his hands up and under Jinyoung’s coat to rest on his back right above his ass, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his slacks. Cocking his head to the side, Jinyoung bit his lip, letting out a soft playful giggle.

“This is the most fun I’ve had all day,” Jinyoung admitted, the smile on his face more authentic than ever. “Thank you for not feeling embarrassed with me.”

“How could I be embarrassed when I’m dancing with the hottest guy here?” Kang-joon replied, his grin tilting a little sleazier than Jinyoung remembered it at the bar.

“Me?” Jinyoung’s eyes went wide as he pointed to his own face. “The hottest?”

“Yes, you,” Kang-joon laughed, pushing Jinyoung’s body closer to his so he could lean into his ear, whispering softly. “I’d like to kiss you, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t stop until I got what I really wanted.”

Gulping and processing the words, Jinyoung wasted no time in twisting his neck back, hands moving up to hold the lapels of Kang-joon’s jacket, pulling him closer as their lips met, brief, yet intense, moist lips sliding against one another before Jinyoung pulled away. This wasn’t what he had anticipated happening when he landed on a plane for his best friend’s wedding, but who was he to complain that he was recently dubbed the hottest guy there by whom he believed to be at least number two?

“Come to my room?” Jinyoung rushed out, the words tangled in one another in a hot mess. “I mean, things are dying down here and I was probably going to head out soon anyway…”

“Yes,” Kang-joon sighed, nodding slightly. “No need to explain. What’s your room number? I’ll drop by in a bit.”

“519,” Jinyoung smiled. “519 and knock when you get there, okay?”

“Okay,” Kang-joon replied, a suggestive grin on his lips. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna go back to my room for a second and I’ll be over later, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nodded, letting go of the other’s suit. “I’ll be waiting.”

As he let go of Jinyoung’s belted waist, Kang-joon offered one more simple kiss before a simple wave, heading out of the hall with a bounce in his step. Jinyoung silently celebrated to himself, going to make sure he had everything he needed from his seat, verifying that the roomkey was still right in his pocket where it belonged. Looking out at the crowd, Jinyoung managed to find Mark and Jackson alternating between dancing and kissing, both slightly intoxicated from love or booze, Jinyoung didn’t know the difference. Yugyeom and Bambam were both still drinking at the bar before heading back to dance some more, Jinyoung thankful for their slight push to get his night kickstarted. While everyone else seemed to be accounted for, Jinyoung did note that Jaebum and Youngjae had vanished between the conversation he had outside and his current position, almost cursing the fact that there was a possibility Jaebum had avoided seeing Jinyoung kiss his perfect new stranger.

Just as he did after the ceremony that morning, Jinyoung slipped out undetected, practically jogging the entire way back to his room. Flicking the room’s key across every surface he passed, he began to imagine all of the things he would do that night, excited to be all alone in his own personal room, not worrying about a roommate or cleaning up whatever mess was made. This night was for his body and his mind, needing to get off to the touch of someone other than his own hand. Kang-joon was beautiful and it was a bonus that he thought Jinyoung was just as attractive, Jinyoung knowing that mutual attraction on a physical level more than likely led to some amazing things between the sheets.

Turning the corner to his room, Jinyoung ran up to the door, sliding the key and bursting inside, immediately scrambling to organize his belongings, nearly tumbling over the desk chair as he packed away some of his toiletries. If he wanted to continue to impress the other man, there was no time to explain why he had to bring so many clothing options when it seemed like he only was there for 72 hours, hoping that the disheveled state of his sheets wasn’t going to be another turn-off as well.

As Jinyoung bent over the small sink to frantically adjust the few strands of hair that had fallen against his forehead, there was a loud knock at the door, Jinyoung suppressing an excited squeal as he finished primping himself. A few sprays of cologne and one deep breath later, Jinyoung stood in front of the door, turning the handle to let Kang-joon in.

“Kang-joon! Sorry, I was just…”

Abrupt silence. Locked jaw. Sharp nose. Piercing eyes. Taunting dots. Furrowed brows.

“Jaebum?”

Jinyoung’s eyes scanned him up and down again, panicking as he even reached his head into the hallway to see if anyone else was around before looking back up at the towering presence that had landed at his door for the second night in a row. While the night before he had hid from any confrontation, there was no escaping it now, the looming intensity of the man in front of him taking up any free space surrounding them. It didn’t make sense that Jaebum would be there again, but Jinyoung couldn’t put his finger on what the other was feeling, the light completely gone from his eyes.

“Say something…”

A pause.

“Let me in.”

It was unbelievable. Jinyoung had explicitly told Jaebum to leave him alone, to not talk to him anymore, so why was he there? Why was Jaebum trying to hard to get under Jinyoung’s skin when all he wanted to do was try to make peace with the fact that things could never be the same?

“Fine.”

With a subtle roll of his eyes, Jinyoung stood to the side, letting Jaebum take a few steps in before he turned to shut the door, waiting for it to latch.

“Jinyoung.”

A click of the door. A turn of the head. A back cornered against the wall.

“Jaebum?”

A hushed whisper. A silent prayer. A kiss two years in the making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Was it worth the wait? :)
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> This chapter is dedicated to my amazing beta, pepipeach, who is single-handedly responsible for Kang-joon's cameo, as well as keeping me motivated to write and stay true to my characters. Thanks, pal <3
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> Thank you for reading, commenting and all of your kudos.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mature content.

It was like a switch.

With his back against the wall and Jaebum on his lips, Jinyoung felt right at home, stunned yet fully aware of the entire situation. A moment ago, he was preparing to meet his newest conquest, but things had shifted, Jaebum suddenly in his room and hands firmly gripping his sides, mouth devouring his own. For them, it was something familiar, the intensity in their kisses was always something Jinyoung enjoyed and cherished, never reaching that level of intimacy with anyone else in the time they had been apart. Jinyoung was far from sober, practically gripping onto Jaebum’s jacket to keep himself steady, dizzy from the alcohol content in his bloodstream and shock of his ex-boyfriend pressing his body closer and closer, always persistent.

On autopilot, Jinyoung pulled him closer, hands moving up to thread through Jaebum’s dark locks, eyes squeezed shut as their tongues met in the middle. It was hot and messy, their bodies stuck in one place as they seemed to fuse together, chest to chest and mouth to mouth. Jaebum had moved his hands from either side of Jinyoung against the wall to his hips, digging his fingertips into the thin layer of fabric, keeping the younger boy exactly where he wanted him as he deepened the kiss even further. Sighing as he readjusted himself, Jinyoung parted his legs slightly, Jaebum taking the initiative to force a thick thigh between them, gently pressing against Jinyoung’s crotch in a steady rhythm with their impromptu makeout session. Once Jaebum had rolled a particularly forceful motion of his hips against Jinyoung, he let out a short gasp, suddenly pushing Jaebum off of him, practically shoving him into the open closet across from the point of contact.

It was a haze of slow motion: Jinyoung slumping back against the wall as he caught his breath, observing Jaebum picking himself up against the few hangers that had fallen in his way. Hair sticking out every which way from Jinyoung’s slender fingers, Jaebum looked absolutely possessed, eyes slim and piercing, lips plump from Jinyoung’s thoughtful kisses. Jinyoung had seen that look a thousand times, the one that pulled the older’s eyebrows into a devilish position, the way his jaw tightened with every glance in his direction. Without even saying the words, he knew what Jaebum was after, what he wouldn’t stop until he finally got. If this had been years ago, Jinyoung would have been naked by that point, already bent into a shape even he couldn’t duplicate outside of the bedroom.

However, it wasn’t that easy. Jinyoung was broken. Jaebum was practically a stranger. The only thing they shared in that moment was their past, the obvious guilt looming around Jinyoung’s head like a dark halo, reminding him that yeah, maybe making out with your ex at your best friends’ wedding wasn’t the greatest idea in the world, especially when said-ex is taken by a male model who eats sunshine for breakfast and has never said a single bad word in his life.

“What are you doing?!” Jinyoung spat, standing up tall against the wall, annoyed even if there was a lingering sense of still being turned on. “What the hell, Jaebum?”

“I’m kissing you,” Jaebum replied a little too calmly, hands adjusting his hair back to the slicked-back style he was rocking only moments before. “And I’m pretty sure your tongue knew what I was doing, too.”

“Oh, shut up,” Jinyoung groaned, pulling at his own hair in frustration. “You know what I meant, okay? Should I rephrase? What are _we_ doing, Jaebum? Is that better? Does that clear things up for you?”

“We were kissing,” Jaebum said in his same flat tone, taking a step towards Jinyoung, the younger boy backing up against the wall more. “And I think you were loving it.”

“Love is a strong word,” Jinyoung gritted through his teeth, unable to move himself from where his back ran parallel to the wall. “Wouldn’t you like to ask your _boyfriend_ about that?”

“Like you give a shit,” Jaebum finally had exposed a drop of emotion, showing Jinyoung’s true intentions, knowing deep down inside that if it was what he really wanted, there would be no stopping him. “Suddenly have a conscious or something? Did you finally find it in all of your soul searching you so desperately wanted when you asked me for a break?”

It was one thing to ask to come into Jinyoung’s room as a person from his past, but it was a completely different scenario when Jaebum was going to take on the role as the “bitter ex,” bringing up select lines and arguments from the conversations surrounding their breakup.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes, taking a step forward to meet Jaebum head-on, the tension completely different from when their chests first met. His heavy breaths filled the air around them, stomach puffing out with every inhale and exhale as Jaebum did the same, eyes locking back onto each other as they tried to communicate without a single word spoken. If he was sober, Jinyoung would have thought to throw a punch or two, knowing Jaebum would most likely duck out of the way easily. He would have tried it anyway to prove a point, to show that he wasn’t scared of the confrontation he decided to pull. But instead, slightly drunk Jinyoung leaned forward, tilting his head to the side as if he were about to kiss Jaebum, lips a breath away as he whispered gently across Jaebum’s lips.

“Fuck you,” Jinyoung sighed, breathing each word with emphasis, less than an inch away from the mouth he practically worshipped once before. Jaebum barely flinched, instead arching one eyebrow up, staring down in Jinyoung’s direction as he smirked the most evil grin Jinyoung had ever seen.

Jinyoung knew what was coming next. In all the time they dated, Jinyoung never knew how to stop it, always falling into it so easily and never having an ounce of regret. But as Jaebum tilted his head the other way, Jinyoung couldn’t help but think of how Jaebum was no longer his, how he belonged to someone else entirely and how that someone else was certainly somewhere else that wasn’t by his boyfriend who was totally about to destroy Jinyoung physically and mentally.

“Can I?” Jaebum’s voice was raspy and soft as if he had lost the ability to speak above a low whisper, hands grabbing at Jinyoung’s sides before he could reply. “Fuck you, I mean. Can I do that tonight, Jinyoungie?”

“What about Youngjae?” Jinyoung questioned without missing a beat, keeping his eyes straight ahead as Jaebum continued to feel him up over his shirt. “You know, the one you came here with? The one you neglected to tell your friends about until only a couple of weeks ago? The one who is probably wondering where the fuck you are right now?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaebum replied, voice a little shakier, the confidence slipping with that short statement. “I’m here, that’s all you should care about.”

“You don’t get to tell me what I care about!” Jinyoung exclaimed, pushing Jaebum back for the second time, the outrage boiling in his chest. “You don’t get to show up and ask to come in here only to ask to fuck me! You don’t get to do shit like that, Jaebum… that’s now how this works. Have you lost your goddamn mind?!”

“Maybe,” Jaebum replied, shoulders shrugging against the wall, Jinyoung trying his best to read the obscured expression on his face. Once upon a time, Jaebum was always in control of how he wanted to appear to Jinyoung: cool, collected, confident. He handled himself unlike any other person Jinyoung had ever interacted with, like he was constantly aware of all the things to say and do to stay on Jinyoung’s side without being a total pushover. Even when they dated, Jaebum was always there to bring Jinyoung back down to earth, to temper his unnecessary outrage and reel him back in when he wanted to lash out. However, the man in front of Jinyoung in that moment wasn’t any of those things, a nervous sweat glistening on his forehead, hands curled up into tiny fists on either side of his body as his eyes stared softly ahead at Jinyoung.

Had the tides finally shifted? Did someone tinker with the unwritten rules of their dynamic when Jinyoung wasn’t looking? Had Jaebum finally resigned himself to the passenger seat to let Jinyoung steer their entire fate? Before Jaebum, Jinyoung was always calling the shots. He prided himself on reading people fast and accurately, always having a comeback or something witty to offer. Without thinking, Jinyoung would always be king, on top of every interaction with anyone who dared step into his path. Once he had met Jaebum in the library that fateful afternoon, his universe had adjusted to some unknown parallel, pushing Jinyoung over to make room for Jaebum who had it slightly more figured out than he did.

It was obvious that Jaebum didn’t have a good reason to be there and it was even more obvious that he didn’t know what he was doing. Sure, Jinyoung had dreamed of this moment. He had imagined Jaebum crawling back to him, begging him for one more night, one more chance to be the one that made him shudder with pleasure. Sometimes he imagined Jaebum asking for more, for another chance together, for one more try because he knew they could make it if they both gave it another shot. But a boyfriend wasn’t in the mix, leaving Jinyoung at a loss when deciding what to do, torn between giving in and having that breakup sex he only could imagine or twisting the knife back into Jaebum’s chest, leaving him in the dust to crawl back to his current flame. Jinyoung liked the sound of both, wishing he could have it both ways, but something began to tick inside of his chest as he watched Jaebum lick his lips, the older man eyeing him up and down as he battled his usual internal monologue, filtering through his mental checklist of lines best suited for the situation.

“Tell me,” Jinyoung began, taking his own steps forward slowly, grabbing hold of the exchange in his favor. “Are you happy?”

“Am I happy?” Jaebum raised an eyebrow, confused at the tiny question. “About what? Being here with you? How long it’s taking? In general?”

“You know what I’m implying, Jaebum,” Jinyoung had finally found his swagger, backing Jaebum into the wall even further, holding his ground. “Are you happy with _him_?”

“Would I waste my time if I wasn’t?” Jaebum attempted to turn the conversation back onto Jinyoung, arms crossing against his chest as he scoffed. “Yeah, I am. I’m happy with him.”

It was a familiar dagger in Jinyoung’s heart, slicing him apart without a single care. The fact that Jaebum could appear dramatically and demand the most intimate of things while still feeling faithful to the one he was betraying was nearly sickening, but Jinyoung felt his opposition dwindling, craving the touch of Jaebum’s hands and mouth more than anything he had ever desired in the past two years. All of this might have hurt when it would end, but if it made him feel alive for even a moment, wasn’t that worth it? Did it matter if it made sense if it let a temporary rush of happiness fill him head to toe? Was Jaebum’s kiss already enough of a betrayal to push them across the line drawn in the sand?

_What happens in Hawaii, stays in Hawaii… right?_

“That means you _do_ realize it would destroy him to know what we’re about to do then, huh?” Jinyoung flicked his gaze up to lock onto Jaebum’s, a blaze erupting behind the intense stare.

“What are you saying?” Jaebum asked, knowing the answer.

“I want you on your knees,” Jinyoung answered, not bothering to ask.

Suddenly, the kiss was back on, Jaebum lunging forward mouth first into Jinyoung, the wet sloppy mess that started the whole ordeal resuming quickly, hands roaming over each other’s bodies with fervor. With the obvious statement that Jaebum was 100% clear on what he was doing to his _person_ sleeping back in their hotel room, Jinyoung threw caution to the wind, offering a metaphorical middle finger to every warning sign or sympathetic thought forming in his head. Jinyoung didn’t care about Youngjae or his feelings. He didn’t give any mind to how the other man would feel if he ever found out what was about to occur between Jaebum and Jinyoung that night. It wasn’t his business to police Jaebum’s every move and if he was being honest, Jinyoung had been craving the affection longer than he would ever admit.

_Who are you to fight fate when it strikes? This was all in the stars._

Pressing Jinyoung against the wall, Jaebum resumed rolling his hips, mouth sucking along the younger man’s sharp jawline, down his neck and into his collar. Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut, letting Jaebum get as worked up as he needed in order to forget their careless ways, tongue flat against his throat as he licked up and back to Jinyoung’s mouth. Salty and sweet, Jinyoung fisted his hands back into Jaebum’s jacket, holding him in place as the kiss lasted longer than necessary, the order Jinyoung had previously barked back at the front of his mind. Sliding his hands back up Jaebum’s chest, Jinyoung gripped his shoulders tight, forcing him down and breaking the kiss without warning, head swimming at the sight of Jaebum below him, holding onto Jinyoung’s hips to stabilize himself.

“I said get on your knees,” Jinyoung reminded him, voice grittier than the shock he had expressed only moments ago. “Get on with it.”

Jaebum grunted in acknowledgement, hands already prying at Jinyoung’s belt as he fussed with the buckle, struggling to thread the leather through the gold workings, finally slipping it through and letting it hang open. A flick of his wrist had the button popped and zipper down, hands tugging on either side of his thighs to yank the dark dress pants down, obvious erection straining against the black boxer briefs Jinyoung had opted for earlier that day. While extended foreplay wasn’t exactly in the cards, Jaebum seemed to work on hyper drive, pulling down Jinyoung’s underwear before latching his mouth to the tip of Jinyoung’s leaking cock, circling his tongue around the head before diving in. With a heavy sigh, Jinyoung leaned his head back, cursing softly at the instant relief, hating how the familiar order of touches was making him hotter by the second. Feeling Jaebum’s palms sliding up and down his thighs, Jinyoung moved one of his own hands to Jaebum’s head, tugging on the black locks as the older man worked his way to the base of Jinyoung’s cock and back, head bobbing at the perfect pace.

Jinyoung had received many blow jobs in his life, tons before Jaebum and a handful after, but nothing ever made him crumble like the set of lips wrapped around his dick in that moment, the perfect combination of tongue and touch, soft groans vibrating against his slick skin. Hot and wet, Jinyoung couldn’t control himself as he thrusted forward gently, Jaebum already knowing what was next as the younger man held the back of his head, keeping him in place. It was oddly reminiscent of their first time at the party when Jinyoung had fucked Jaebum’s mouth into oblivion only this time, Jaebum wasn’t fully giving in, offering some resistance as he tried to hold Jinyoung back against the wall, arms a bit stronger than Jinyoung remembered.

As Jinyoung went to push himself off the wall and down Jaebum’s throat, a knock at the door caused him to stumble back completely, Jaebum pulling off with a gag as the younger man stood completely still, trying not to make a sound. In the midst of his affair with the spoken-for Jaebum, Jinyoung had forgotten all about Kang-joon, realizing that the situation could go from bad to worse with even a peep from the man on the floor, holding his jaw in annoyance. Eyes wide, Jinyoung made a motion across his lips for Jaebum to stay quiet as Kang-joon knocked again, the older man motioning that he would stay silent as Jinyoung pulled at his own hair in frustration. It was just like him to start something only to not finish it, leaving his hot potential hookup in the cold while he reignited an old flame temporarily. Practically holding his breath, Jinyoung waited for another knock which never came; instead, a soft voice of concern bled through the frame.

“Jinyoung?” Kang-joon asked softly, obviously not trying to disturb the neighbors. “You in there?”

_Alright, let’s think. What could you possibly say that wouldn’t be suspicious? Get yourself out of this one, idiot._

“Y-yes…,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, voice cracking slightly unintentionally. “I’m here…”

“Good,” Kang-joon laughed warm-heartedly, Jinyoung trying to swallow the tinge of guilt brewing in his stomach. “Let me in, okay?”

“Actually,” Jinyoung forced a cough, amping up the raspiness of his voice to match the string of lies he was about to begin. “I’m… I’m not feeling too hot. I think I drank too much.”

“Oh?” Kang-joon’s voice was a mix of realization and disappointment, Jaebum staring up at Jinyoung from the spot on the floor he had fallen to, a look that said _you’ve got to be fucking kidding me_ written all over his face. “Can I help you in any way? Bring you a soda or something?”

“N-no… that won’t be necessary,” Jinyoung stuttered, hating that Kang-joon actually wanted to stick around with a fake-queasy version of himself, wishing he wasn’t the perfect mix of caring and easy on the eyes. “I just need to sleep it off. I’m sorry…”

Seemingly sick of the lies, Jaebum sat up, reattaching his mouth to Jinyoung’s exposed member, forcing Jinyoung to bite back a groan, hitting Jaebum’s head lightly in annoyance. The last thing he needed during this impromptu check-in was the temptation to moan out loud, Jaebum already taking the majority of his cock back in, working it even better than before. Without making a scene, Jinyoung tried to hold Jaebum’s head in place to get him to stop, shooting the dirtiest of looks to the man with his lips wrapped snug around his length.

“Don’t sweat it,” Kang-joon replied cheerfully, Jinyoung sighing in agony. “But maybe I can get your number? You know, to check up on you?”

_I’m sorry, are you really sending this guy packing because your ex-boyfriend suddenly has a desire to get in your pants even though he’s seeing someone? Your dick is literally halfway down his throat. Seriously, you’re fucked._

“Sure…,” Jinyoung rattled off the numbers, stumbling on purpose and lowering his voice to keep up the charade. “Text me so I have yours, too.”

“Done,” Kang-joon replied, Jinyoung hearing a slight buzz from the end table where his phone lay. “Take it easy, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

“Sure, o-okay,” Jinyoung sighed, Jaebum waiting for a sign that he could go back to his rhythm. “See you.”

Staying completely still, Jinyoung listened for the presence on the other side of the door to vanish, footsteps fading away into the background. Without a second to waste, Jaebum pulled off as Jinyoung let go, looking up at him with a twinkle in his eye before taking the entire length back into the hilt, Jinyoung’s head hitting the wall with a thud, a loud moan escaping his lips. What was the use in trying to conceal how he was actually feeling when Jaebum already had him exactly where he needed to be: pinned against a hotel wall, dick deep in his mouth?

“Up,” Jinyoung groaned, attempting to push Jaebum away from his crotch. “Come on.”

With a grunt, Jaebum pulled off standing up and grabbing Jinyoung by his jacket before he could move away, mouths mashed together in messy harmony, teeth clattering together and tongues moving at two different speeds. If Jinyoung closed his eyes and forgot the past two years, he could see this exactly same occurrence at their shared apartment after a fancy dinner date, Jaebum a little tipsy from the wine they drank, Jinyoung even worse off as they attempted to make it to the bedroom, completely blind to their surroundings. It was old and new and the same yet totally different, the complete lack of romantic thought or feeling leaving a gash in the tension, letting Jinyoung slink into a filthier role of “the other man.” He was here for Jaebum’s temporary pleasure only, letting his body get what it had been craving ever since being dumped via cell phone.

Shrugging his jacket off before pushing Jaebum’s from his broad shoulders, Jinyoung kicked off his shoes as they made their way to the bed, mouths never parting. With his shoes went his pants and briefs, hands attaching themselves to Jaebum’s buckle as he nipped along the older’s jawline. Sharper than he remembered it being, Jinyoung tried to ignore how perfectly his lips fit in the curve where it met his neck, peppering kisses all over as he removed Jaebum’s belt, pants quickly coming undone directly after. Pausing his kisses to look Jaebum directly in the eye, Jinyoung moved his hands down, ghosting over the bulge that had become too obvious to ignore, palming Jaebum’s erection with one hand shoved down the front of his slacks. Jaebum let out a soft whisper of a moan, teeth pulling his bottom lip into his mouth as he sighed at the relief, Jinyoung’s smirk pulling at the edges of his mouth.

Normally by that point, Jaebum would be the one pushing Jinyoung back, slithering on top of him as his fingers undid every button down the front of his shirt, listening to Jinyoung whimper and beg for him to do anything else, but they were playing by a new set of rules, Jaebum hesitating to do anything until Jinyoung did it first, the younger man pushing Jaebum back onto the mattress without a fight. Pulling at Jaebum’s slacks, Jinyoung got them off as fast as possible, underwear sliding off next before he was straddling Jaebum’s thighs, erections brushing together as Jinyoung leaned forward to meet Jaebum’s mouth again. With a shared moan, Jaebum’s mouth slid sloppily against Jinyoung’s, hips bucking up, craving some sort of delicious friction between them. Jinyoung played along, rolling his hips gently as they kissed, hands keeping him propped up over the older man’s chest.

After a particularly aggressive thrust of Jinyoung’s hips, Jaebum’s arm flew up, Jinyoung flinching and closing his eyes as he braced for some sort of contact, instead suddenly yanked down even more, Jaebum’s fingers laced within the tie still loosely wrapped around his collar. As he continued to pull, Jinyoung worked on the buttons of Jaebum’s shirt, pushing it open once he had reached the bottom, pulling back as he admired the toned stomach he used to rest his head on whenever he wanted to. The sliver of skin against the stark white hem of the shirt made Jinyoung’s heart race, hands sliding up from his hips to his chest, sighing as he took the sight in front of him in. While Jinyoung may have wanted to savor the moment, Jaebum had other plans, rolling his hips up against Jinyoung again, the younger man’s back upright as he sighed. Without hesitation, Jaebum took hold of either side of Jinyoung’s shirt, ripping it open, sending buttons flying around the hotel room as he took more control of the happenings in bed. As Jinyoung went to remove the tie at the top to toss the shirt away, Jaebum grabbed his wrist, eyes focused as he finished the job for Jinyoung, shirt flying off the side of the bed, the older man smirking as he left the simple loose black bow around Jinyoung’s neck.

“I look ridiculous,” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath as he reached down, pressing their erections together as he gripped them loosely, beginning to stroke.

“It’s sexy to me,” Jaebum growled as he pulled Jinyoung back down into a kiss, the younger man still working their cocks together to ease the building tension. Feeling like he was losing his control of the entire situation with the simple gesture of leaving one accessory on his body, Jinyoung broke the kiss, moving from Jaebum’s lap as he went to his bag, rummaging through it before returning with some lube, climbing back next to Jaebum in bed. Before opening the tube, Jinyoung took a moment to stare at the other’s fully erect member, trying to hold back any signs of nostalgia of how it used to be his and only his, remembering how often he could take advantage of being in love with the person it belonged to. The off-putting sense of something so familiar yet strange came creeping back, Jinyoung shaking his head quickly as he opened the tube, applying some to his fingers before reaching back around himself, beginning to work himself loose for what was about to happen.

It was a steamy scene: Jaebum laying flat on his back, head propped up against some pillows as he watched Jinyoung finger himself, cock bobbing along with every movement he made. Jinyoung caught Jaebum touching himself as he watched, shooting a deathly glare that made the older man stop in his tracks, resting his hand back onto his stomach while Jinyoung wore a satisfied smirk, continuing the private show. If Jaebum wanted him so badly, he could wait and watch the expert go to town on himself, sighing and whimpering as his fingers brushed his favorite place, biting his lip to hold back. Removing his fingers slowly, Jinyoung sighed, fighting the bitter feeling in his throat as he slicked up Jaebum’s cock next, wishing that it all could have happened under different circumstances, under a different time when this would have only been about him and Jaebum and not them against anyone else.

Without another word, Jinyoung moved to swing one leg over Jaebum’s lap, positioning himself above Jaebum’s cock as he gave it another firm stroke, holding it in place. Carefully sinking down onto his length, Jinyoung took it slower than he ever had while they were together, teasing every inch as it slid inside. Sighing deeply, Jinyoung closed his eyes as he felt his bottom finally resting against the flat plane of Jaebum’s body, the older man groaning as he tried to keep his hands flush at his sides. It was obvious that Jaebum didn’t know what to do with himself, clearly wanting Jinyoung but not understanding the limitations of what they were participating in, the younger man having to pick up each of Jaebum’s hands to place them at his hips before he began to move. Slowly at first, Jinyoung adjusted his position, wanting it to feel best for him as he rode Jaebum’s cock, soft sighs slipping past his lips with ease. As Jinyoung closed his eyes, Jaebum’s fingers found their way back to the silk tie around his neck, pulling roughly on it as Jinyoung rode his cock, a weak whimper croaking out.

Jinyoung wanted fireworks. He wanted everything that used to come with fucking Jaebum, but it wasn’t appearing like it used to, the bright vibrant colors a dull haze in the background, stars hidden by the heavy droop of his eyelids. Jaebum was far from his first and definitely wasn’t his last, but it had always been special in some way, so why wasn’t it happening that time? Did his body know that they shouldn’t be acting on their impulses like this, cursing his impending orgasm from the start? Or was Jinyoung holding himself back, not allowing himself to ever reach that point because of the blatant breach of trust he was helping Jaebum break? Either way, Jinyoung forged ahead, rolling his hips expertly as his thighs moved him up and down, his body knowing exactly what to do even if it still didn’t match the experience in his mind.

With the guidance from Jinyoung, Jaebum was finally in the zone, strong hands gripping at Jinyoung’s slender hips as he moved, grunting and groaning complete gibberish as Jinyoung took control of the entire situation with his ass. It was his time to shine as he picked up the pace, forgetting all about what this all might mean, starting to only give a shit about the pleasure beginning to brew in his belly. If Jaebum wanted him, this is the side he would get, the one where Jinyoung was feeling himself and put his needs at the top of the priority list, ignoring any pleas or requests from the man below. In simple terms, Jaebum was his toy and he was going to get off whether Jaebum did or not, feelings be damned. Rendered speechless by the combination of Jaebum’s dick and lack of things to say to him as a person, Jinyoung settled on breathy moans, eyes squeezed shut as his dick did all the thinking for him. Jaebum was in a similar state, thrusting up to meet Jinyoung’s rhythm, obviously getting the hint that if he wanted something out of this, he was going to have to put in the work as well, leaving Jinyoung to focus on his own satisfaction. Back arched and head tilted back, Jinyoung felt the end nearing, moving one hand to move Jaebum’s grip from his sides to his cock, pushing the limits even further.

“I’m so fucking close,” Jinyoung gritted, a whimper of a moan following with the statement. “Make me come, you bastard.”

Moaning himself, Jaebum obeyed, hand moving at an unsteady speed to try to help Jinyoung along, their bodies becoming a jumbled mess of limbs as they clumsily worked each other to their own ends. The feelings of shame and regret were suddenly absent, Jinyoung riding Jaebum with all of his might, every moan and gasp spewing from his mouth juicier than the last. It was hot, sticky and slick, a total mess literally and figuratively, Jinyoung hardly realizing how close he actually was before his shot was streaking across Jaebum’s chest, letting it go with a deep moan that even Jinyoung himself didn’t think he was capable of. As Jinyoung sat dazed, attempting to catch his breath, Jaebum thrusted his hips haphazardly a few more times before Jinyoung felt the warm substance inside, Jaebum sighing a relieved groan as he collapsed completely back onto the bed again.

Waiting a moment before he got up, Jinyoung caught his breath, eventually venturing into the bathroom to grab a damp washcloth, wiping down where he had came on Jaebum’s stomach, cleaning his own body as well. The tension that always came with seeing Jaebum filled the room top to bottom, Jinyoung not knowing what to say as Jaebum sat up, already beginning to gather his clothes. It was an unusual scene, the two completely unattached and acting as if their mouths weren’t just sizing each other up, hands roaming wherever they wanted to only because it felt good. Jinyoung didn’t like the guilt weighing on his back for whatever just happened, thinking of all the ways he could have told Jaebum to shove it and forget he even existed. But in that moment when they first kissed, when Jinyoung hadn’t expected to find that pair of lips on his own, he couldn’t help but imagine that the spark was still there, that there was some hidden glimmer of hope underneath all of the ugly things they had said and done over the past two years.

But as Jinyoung watched Jaebum get redressed, eyes focused to the wall instead of Jinyoung’s naked body, he couldn’t help but feel used, still unclear of what it all event meant in the first place. In his mind, it was their postponed breakup sex, the event that should have happened years back when Jaebum had come back for a weekend when he was visiting from work. It should have happened when they were both still figuring out how to be single and not one unit, not when their best friends were getting married and one of them was clearly in a committed relationship that now had a dark mark against it. Whatever Jaebum was telling himself to act so unattached was almost frightening to Jinyoung; he had never seen that side to him when they were together, always having complete trust in the other to never break his heart that way. What could he say about Jaebum now that he had gone along with something he couldn’t comprehend from the start?

_People change all the time, right? Maybe it’s not always for the better._

“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked, already sounding like he wanted to pick a fight, an internal debate still raging in his mind. “You’re going to fuck me and go? Just like that?”

“What do you want me to do, Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked, fingers securing the belt back around his waist. “I have to go back. I’m sorry.”

“Bullshit,” Jinyoung spat, pulling on his boxer briefs in order to look a little less ridiculous as he began to argue. “You’re not sorry. I’m not expecting you to be, so don’t act like it.”

“Okay?” Jaebum looked puzzled at the sudden attack, feet sliding back into his shoes. “I just figured we were on the same page about what this all was.”

“And what was this?” Jinyoung asked, moving closer to Jaebum to get in his face, noses nearly brushing as he popped up in front of him. “Tell me in your own words what this was, Jaebum. I want to hear it.”

“I don’t think I can explain it,” Jaebum said softly, eyes shifting away from Jinyoung’s direct line of sight. “It’s… complicated. We’re complicated.”

“I don’t think we’re complicated,” Jinyoung scoffed, eyes rolling. “We dated, we broke up. We’re not together. It’s simple.”

“Things aren’t always so black and white,” Jaebum replied, gaze shifting back onto Jinyoung’s face, eyes soft and voice a bit shaky. “Sometimes… things just... happen.”

“Oh, so it was by chance that I fell onto your cock tonight?” Jinyoung pushed Jaebum’s shoulder, annoyance flaring up more and more with every passing second. “Face it. You cheated on your boyfriend tonight with _me_ and now you have to live with it. Get out of my face.”

“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum pleaded, tie hanging around his neck as his eyes went wide, hand reaching for Jinyoung’s arm. “Don’t act like you didn’t want it, too…”

“I said get out of my fucking face!” Jinyoung shouted, barely ever raising his voice to that level in all the years they knew each other, Jaebum visibly shrinking as he gathered up his things, fishing around in his pocket to make sure he had his room key. It took two to do what they did that night, but Jinyoung didn’t want any excuses; he wanted Jaebum to keep up the cocky act he had began with earlier in the night instead of slipping into his apologetic and sympathetic self Jinyoung was used to. Marching over to the door, Jinyoung swung it open, making a large sweeping gesture with his arm to usher him out. With a sigh, Jaebum slowly exited the room, turning and opening his mouth to say something only to have Jinyoung slam the door on his face, muttering a slew of curses under his breath.

Jinyoung felt numb. There was a whole side of him that wanted to give in and tell Jaebum how much he had missed him, how much he had cried all through the night they had been apart. He wanted to tell Jaebum all the times he thought about him during Mark and Jackson’s ceremony, the things he would have picked for their wedding, the jokes he would share in his vows. Jinyoung wished he could have cuddled up under the blankets with Jaebum, tracing patterns of lazily drawn stars against his back, switching into a faux cursive, writing _I love you_ with the gentle drag of his fingernail. But why would it matter? Jaebum said he was happy. Happy, yet he wanted Jinyoung one last time, something to bring about the closure neither of them seemed to speak about. If it was the last time, it was painful, Jinyoung wishing the saddened images of Jaebum dominating him before leaving for his new job years ago would be the lasting impression instead of sloppy infidelity in between hotel sheets.

Instead of moving forward, it was a giant leap back, Jinyoung falling back into the bed and wrapping himself in every blanket available. Jaebum got it all, the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend and a side helping of Jinyoung’s pathetic inability to say no, wishing he had an ounce of the guts he used to boast about back in college. If that Jinyoung was here, he would have said no, kicking Jaebum in the balls before ordering a movie and room service, passing out after loading up on sugary-sweet treats. Instead, Jinyoung had to deal with the dull ache of his upcoming hangover, full-blown sobriety still a dream away. Closing his eyes slowly, Jinyoung cursed once more, wishing to have control over one part of his life, wishing he was as big of a jerk as he claimed to be.

_Hang in there, Park Jinyoung. There’s nowhere to go but up from here._

 

 

The next morning, Jinyoung woke up to the sun in the window and a heavy weight on his brain, the events from the night before too fresh to address right away. If his body felt disgusting, his mind was even worse, wishing that the pangs of guilt and worry would just vanish so he could go back to pretending to forget about Jaebum, moving on with his life once again. Figuring a shower would ease the tension, Jinyoung groggily stood up and moped to the bathroom, starting the water extra hot before stripping out of his underwear and stepping inside. Washing up quickly, Jinyoung let his body soak up the heat for as long as the hot water would last, only getting out when he felt it slowly dwindle away. Using a towel to dry his body, Jinyoung brushed his teeth and began to gather his things, knowing that checkout would come before he knew it. As he went back into the room to grab clean clothes from his suitcase, Jinyoung’s phone rattled against the end table next to the bed, screen lighting up with what seemed to be a text message.

 

**Unknown Recipient**

_Hey, how are you feeling? :)_

 

It was Kang-joon, the perfectly matched hookup Jinyoung had abandoned the night before whom he had assumed would never want to speak to him after hearing his flimsy lie through his hotel room door. If he was being honest, it was almost sweet that he would check in with Jinyoung even when there wasn’t much to gain, already pushed away in favor for the ex-boyfriend without any good reason. Jinyoung didn’t sense any harm in replying, happy to have a gentle distraction to ease the discomfort of the night before.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Hey… much better. Sleep definitely did the trick. Thanks for asking._

 

After Jinyoung placed the phone back down to pull on clean underwear, it buzzed again almost immediately, the next message also unexpected by Jinyoung’s standards.

 

**Kang-joon**

_No problem. What might help even more is brunch at the restaurant downstairs… if you’re up for it. My treat :)_

 

It was simply unfair how kind Kang-joon was, Jinyoung feeling an extra heap of guilt for lying to him about anything the night before. Instead of forgetting about the encounter all together, Jinyoung would have to keep up with the fib temporarily, really craving something to eat and willing to see the other man in exchange for a delicious meal.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Sure, I just got out of the shower. Meet you there in 20?_

 

**Kang-joon**

_Sounds great._

 

Once he was dressed, Jinyoung brushed his hair back lazily, letting his bangs fall across his forehead as he placed his room key in his back pocket, phone in hand as he left the room. After the short stroll from the room to the elevator, Jinyoung stepped off at the ground level, following the directional signage to the restaurant, Kang-joon leaning against the wall, checking his phone as he waited. In a white t-shirt and light denim jacket, Jinyoung felt the instant attraction again, thankful that his lack of sobriety the night before hadn’t betrayed him into thinking more highly of him than he actually was. After a brief pause, Kang-joon looked up as Jinyoung approached, a happy grin spreading across his face as the two met.

“There he is,” Kang-joon smiled, hand gripping his shoulder gently. “All better now?”

“Somewhat,” Jinyoung laughed softly, shrugging. “I’ll be better once I eat, let’s go.”

Walking in and getting seated, the pair opened their menus, Jinyoung ordering a simple ginger ale to help with his lie as Kang-joon did the same, obviously earning nice guy points within moments of sitting down. Once the waitress returned with their drinks, both men ordered, Jinyoung rattling off a series of delectable options before thanking her, returning the menus and focusing back on each other.

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung said, taking a sip of his soda. “For last night. I really didn’t mean to…”

“It’s seriously okay,” Kang-joon smiled, waving him off. “You were kind of… okay, not kind of. You were fucking wasted.”

“Guilty as charged,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “I kind of lost control, but whatever. Your best friends only get married once, right?”

“Exactly,” Kang-joon nodded in agreement. “So, you’re friends with both of them?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nodded, leaning back in his seat as he played with the wrapper from his straw. “Met Mark years and years ago, then when he started dating Jackson, we became our own little group.”

_I think you’re forgetting someone here…_

“That’s sweet,” Kang-joon grinned. “I’ve hired Mark’s company a ton for the weddings I plan, he’s super talented. I can’t believe he started that whole operation on his own.”

_Bite. Your. Fucking. Tongue._

“Yeah,” Jinyoung offered a small smile, shrugging as he took a long sip from his glass. “Wedding planning, eh? Ever get sick of it?”

“Absolutely,” Kang-joon laughed, his bright smile blinding Jinyoung so early in the day. “That’s what makes me so good. I’m a completely objective third-party most of the time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re a cynic when it comes to relationships,” Jinyoung joked, leaning back into the table before shifting into a stage whisper. “I might just fall in love with you.”

“Who said anything about love?” Kang-joon smiled, leaning forward to match Jinyoung’s posture. “Are we... on our first date?”

A thousand sirens went off in Jinyoung’s brain, alarms sounding at even the sound of the word _date_ coming from the other man’s mouth. Jinyoung’s unconstricted flirting had landing him in a tricky spot, accidentally falling into a trap that could most certainly be considered a date. Not only was he invited there, but Kang-joon was also going to pay, Jinyoung nearly regretting accepting the proposition so easily, hating the idea of jumping into someone else’s romantic line of vision so soon after his disastrous night only hours ago.

_You were literally about to fuck him last night and now you’re scared of a label being attached to a pre-paid brunch? Get your head out of your ass and say the right thing before you overthink this one, too._

“Maybe,” Jinyoung grinned, pulling together all of his confidence to back up his quickly chosen words. “Depending on how this meal ends, I may have to consider it as such.”

“Challenge accepted,” Kang-joon replied, shooting a flirty wink across the table that left both men in a fit of giggles, the light mood a total relief from the agony Jinyoung usually subjected himself to.

 

 

Two clean plates and four ginger ales later, Jinyoung felt the bloated happiness he didn’t know he was craving wash over his body, Kang-joon offering a similar full look as he paid the check on their way out, both men walking way slower than when they had first arrived. The meal was delicious and the conversation continued to be flirty and fun, Jinyoung happy to embrace the shift from whatever he usually played into. It wasn’t a one night stand, but it was almost better, Jinyoung actually happy to see one of his romantic prospects outside of the bedroom for once, almost preferring the meal and conversation over a half-assed drunk hand job and sloppy penetration. Kang-joon offered to walk him back to his room, Jinyoung nodding in agreement as they made their way into the elevator and down the short hall. Once back at room 519, Jinyoung leaned his back against the frame, smiling over at Kang-joon who seemed to take the hint to move closer to his body, only an arm’s length away as they giggled at each other.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Kang-joon asked sweetly, hand moving to hold Jinyoung’s. “Date-worthy or not?”

“Absolutely,” Jinyoung smiled, almost embarrassed at how much he was enjoying the attention from someone who seemed to actually give a shit about him. “What about you?”

“Well, considering I asked you to brunch in hopes of something more to come…,” Kang-joon began, a grin curling at the corners of his mouth, “I’d say it was a total success.”

“Are you always this confident?” Jinyoung asked, letting his fingers lace within Kang-joon’s easily, cursing his desperate need for any kind of physical contact.

“Why?” Kang-joon tilted his head, his grin shifting into more of a smirk. “Do you think it’s sexy or something?”

“Maybe,” Jinyoung laughed. “But I’ve already said too much and I have to finish packing before my flight.”

“Ah,” Kang-joon chuckled, letting go of Jinyoung’s hand, gesturing towards the door. “I didn’t mean to keep you.”

“I don’t mind,” Jinyoung smiled. “Seriously, after the night I had… I needed this. So, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Kang-joon shoved his hands in his pockets. “But… maybe when we’re both back and free, we can have a _real_ first date.”

Jinyoung couldn’t hide the smile on his face, unsure if it was from the happiness he felt all morning or the idea that he could still work his charms on some unsuspecting boy, assuming it was a combination of the two. A really hot guy who really cared and really seemed to have everything going for him was giving him his undivided attention, Jinyoung wanting to seize the opportunity while it was in front of him, wanting to prove to the world that Jaebum wasn’t the only one who could look like he was moving on from whatever you wanted to call their relationship years ago. When he had first started dating Jaebum, he was scared out of his mind, worried what people would think of him, worried what would happen to himself if he found happiness in another person. But knowing what it felt like to hit rock bottom gave him a new perspective, pushing fear aside in favor of a temporary happiness, ready to shove it back in Jaebum’s face just like he did with Youngjae.

“I’d like that.”

If accepting the date with Kang-joon turned into something more, it would be amazing. If they didn’t get farther than the next date or two, so be it. Jinyoung was ready for the next version of himself and it started in that moment, hands reaching out to Kang-joon’s sides as he pulled him in for a kiss, praying that the taste of Jaebum had already been washed from his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> emotional support is offered in the comments and also on twitter/tumblr (link in bio) xoxo
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> My question for you guys is how do you think Jaebum feels after that all happened? What do you think he'll end up doing?
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> As a quick note, I'm expecting this to be about 17 chapters long now, with one from Jaebum's perspective towards the end. This may change, but everyone likes to know so yeah :) that's where I'm at right now.
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> Hope you're all enjoying it so far! Sorry for the pain. Kind of. But thank you for your wonderful words, comments, tweets, indirects, etc. It means everything <3


	9. Chapter 9

_“I think we should take a break.”_

_Jaebum was floored. He hadn’t expected Jinyoung to take the physical separation easily, but betting on Jinyoung’s preference to let things stay the way they were instead of putting effort in to adjust them, he never would have predicted the younger boy mentioning a break on his own. His new career was still in its infant stages, Jaebum adjusting daily to the new tasks and environments, trying his best to adapt on the fly, causing him to fall out of a routine schedule of talking to Jinyoung whenever he could. As a day or two would pass without speaking to his boyfriend, it became normal, Jaebum lost in the newfound freedom and experiences that came along with traveling for a paycheck, wondering how he went so long without knowing this was available for him to totally embrace as a job. It never was on purpose, and Jinyoung seemed to understand when Jaebum told him how busy he really was, but it seemed as if he grossly underestimated what Jinyoung could handle without him, feeling a bit disconnected himself._

_“I don’t…,” Jaebum finally mumbled, voice cracking under the pressure. “I don’t understand.”_

_“I know you’ve only been gone a month, but…,” Jinyoung sighed, Jaebum picturing him all alone in the middle of their shared apartment, one of his old sweatshirts pulled over his thin frame. “It’s too hard for me and it’s unfair of me to ask you to give up whatever you’re doing just because I’m sad and lonely…”_

_Jinyoung was right: it had only been a month. A month that seemed to be testing not only Jaebum’s intentions in life, but also their entire relationship, the older boy knowing that they hadn’t left on the best terms. Remembering the looks Jinyoung offered when he had explained his career search and application process, Jaebum tried to calm the annoyance flaring up inside of his mind, reminding himself that Jinyoung would never understand that he needed to reach his own true potential before feeling satisfied, keeping the job hunt under wraps until he couldn’t anymore. Jaebum didn’t think he would get the call back, sure, but receiving a handsome salary offer along with a chance of a lifetime reminded him that he was capable of so much with only a little bit of sacrifice. Jinyoung’s reaction only cemented his need to explore his own personal range of talents, keeping so much of himself under lock and key to keep Jinyoung comfortable and happy, never wanting to rock the boat in fear of him leaving on a whim._

_But they weren’t careless college kids anymore, both of them far off from their graduation dates, settling into adult routines with only a few bumps in the road, most of them due to stubborn habits that wouldn’t seem to die even if they both tried. Jinyoung kept at his basic entry level job without starting to look for something more suited to his tastes, preferring to come home and openly complain about every human interaction for over an hour before Jaebum got a single word in. Jaebum struggled with balancing home life and owning part of a business with Mark, frustrated at the lack of sympathy Jinyoung showed towards any of his visible anguish._

_A month apart only seemed to highlight how little Jaebum missed the arguments and uncomfortable tension that brewed when he tried to address the problems to Jinyoung’s face, the younger boy never completely understanding that a relationship was a partnership - the most important one a person could have with another romantically. He knew that Jinyoung hadn’t ever tried at love and he was open about it with Jaebum to a point, but being honest and actually attempting to change and adapt for the one you loved was a completely different story, Jinyoung never quite reaching that point. It had only been a month, but to Jaebum? It had been even longer than that._

_“Jinyoung,” Jaebum sighed, wondering how long Jinyoung had considered this action. “It’s only been a month…”_

_“But a month could become three or six,” Jinyoung replied a little too composed, Jaebum trying not to roll his eyes. “And you haven’t been able to tell me when I’ll even be able to see you next.”_

_When Jaebum had left, he knew Jinyoung could use distance as an excuse for whatever problems arose, never having something valid to blame anything else on. Even if Jaebum wanted to argue, how could he discredit that fact? He was the one who left and had become distant, how was that fair to Jinyoung? Was distance really the last straw? Or was Jinyoung afraid of actually starting to try again, unwilling to show even a percentage of effort?_

_“So you’d rather just give up?” Jaebum accused, palms sweaty, one hand gripping the duvet on the hotel bed._

_“No,” Jinyoung stated despondently. “I’d rather let you work on your career and allow myself to focus on me. I think that’s what I need right now.”_

_Since when did Jinyoung want Jaebum to chase his dreams so fast and free? Was he really about to start focusing on himself, finding his passion within a career? And why couldn’t he have done that before Jaebum left, letting them both grow roots and building a foundation together? If he needed a break to focus on himself, what did he consider Jaebum to be? A nuisance? It was insulting to hear Jinyoung discredit Jaebum’s support like that, the older boy wishing Jinyoung had talked about this, any of this, before he had left, knowing he could have helped settle some fears that had only ballooned in his absence._

_“Don’t you know I love you?” Jaebum blurted out, his temper rising with every poorly-chosen word from Jinyoung’s mouth. “Doesn’t that count for anything?”_

_“Of course I know you love me,” Jinyoung sighed. “I love you too, but I really think we need this. We can… find ourselves or whatever shit people like to say.”_

_Was Jinyoung serious? They were already separated physically, what difference would it make if they broke things off? Would Jinyoung suddenly have a surge of energy to go out and make his life change? Was Jaebum an unnecessary weight on his back, pressuring him into something he never wanted in the first place? Jaebum didn’t want to believe that he and Jinyoung were anything but happy together, but it was becoming more and more obvious with every word out of Jinyoung’s mouth that he wasn’t happy and Jaebum wasn’t helping in any capacity. He was already finding himself, already understanding the man he had become from his experiences and environment. Didn’t Jinyoung see that? Couldn’t Jinyoung see how far he had come since their arguments in the library and miscommunications throughout the month before they became official? Had their nearly three years together been hollow and meaningless, just two men who happened to sometimes listen to each other and could tolerate the other when necessary?_

_“I don’t need to do that,” Jaebum gritted through his teeth, jaw locked in annoyance. “I already know who I am. I thought you did, too.”_

_“Jaebum,” Jinyoung replied, his voice empty, Jaebum searching for a sign of life, even a note of sarcasm. “Please. I need this.”_

_This was it. He couldn’t handle it. Jaebum didn’t want to listen to anymore excuses or blatant lies about their relationship. He was patient… so, so patient during the entire time he had wooed Jinyoung, continuing his streak of kindness as long as possible because Jinyoung was the man he loved and wanted to be with for the long run. But what was he supposed to do when Jinyoung was forcing his hand, turning up his nose at everything he had been given? Had Jaebum not done enough to prove his worth, showering Jinyoung with affection at every turn? The other boy didn’t always listen and was stubborn about opening up even years into dating, but Jaebum had shown he would always be available, always open and ready to help however he could. In return, Jinyoung became cold and abused Jaebum’s soft nature, almost creating a thin layer of resentment between them. If anything, Jaebum should have been the one calling for a break, wanting the stress of worrying over Jinyoung’s well-being to vanish in an instant. But even as he had trembled in tears at the airport before he had to leave, Jaebum wished silently it would never come to this, that the distance would bring them closer, let their hearts grow fonder. Maybe his mind knew it wouldn’t, the tears falling so fast and hard as he hugged Jinyoung for the last time, almost as if he knew one of them would crack easier apart._

_But as he held the phone to his ear, tears never came. It wasn’t the same feeling he had at the airport, holding onto Jinyoung like he was the only thing keeping him afloat. It was really happening, Jaebum sick of listening to the bullshit Jinyoung seemed to believe, too tired to keep up the fight when he knew his schedule was packed and he couldn’t make a promise to Jinyoung about… anything. All he wanted Jinyoung to understand was that he was trying, not for himself, but for the both of them, and he wasn’t ever going to get it. In lieu of crying, Jaebum wanted to punch a wall, kick over a chair, break something to calm him down as he gripped the bed tighter. Instead, he wanted to meet Jinyoung at the edge. And push him over it._

_“Fine,” Jaebum groaned. “But take your shit and get out.”_

  

Jaebum startled awake, a soft gasp and a quick jump, sitting up in bed as he ran his fingers through his hair, sighing once he realized the dream he was having… again. It had been years of the vividly detailed memory replaying in his mind once every few weeks as if his subconscious never wanted him to forget, the boy becoming more and more tired with every mental rewind. However, ever since he had encountered Jinyoung at Mark and Jackson’s wedding three weeks ago, the dreams had been more persistent, varying from the breakup to a myriad of other topics, all seeping into Jaebum’s brain and causing him to lose sleep. Of course, it was obvious why he was struggling to regain the normalcy of his life before reuniting with Jinyoung, never sharing exactly what happened with Youngjae or anyone else, bottling it up inside where he hoped he’d never have to speak of it again. Yet, the plan seemed impossible, the baggage of keeping such a sordid secret hidden away weighing so heavily on Jaebum’s shoulders, the man wondering when he would finally break.

Unlike how he remembered Jinyoung operating, Jaebum took all of the blame himself. That night was a complete disaster from start to finish, leaving him wishing he hadn’t lost all of his self-control before it was too late. But ever since returning to the room he was sharing with Youngjae that night, washing away any traces of Jinyoung in the shower before slipping into bed next to his boyfriend, Jaebum had difficulty doing anything normally, a nervous tick developing in his mind. Feeling like he was constantly being watched and observed, he began to revert back to the way things were after he and Jinyoung split almost three years into their relationship, withdrawing himself from meaningful conversations, finding it difficult to even keep a smile on his face around his significant other.

Glancing over in bed, Jaebum sighed softly at the sight of Youngjae cuddled up in a mess of blankets and pillows, lips slightly parted as he snored quietly in a deep slumber. The guilt was twice as heavy when he looked at Youngjae, wishing he wasn’t such a coward and could spit out what he had done. It was never his intention to hurt the other man, but it was inevitable with what he had done, effectively ruining the relationship without him ever knowing. Jaebum had become a stranger, a mystery to himself, someone he would never want to associate with in any capacity. But how could he run from himself in his own skin? At what point would the dam break and wash away any chance of feeling whole again? Even worse than carrying the hidden case of adultery was the realization that he couldn’t ever be faithful again. It wasn’t like Jaebum was about to go out and cheat on him again, obviously still reeling from the first experience, but his word would always be broken as long as he knew in his own mind that he was still completely, utterly, without a doubt still in love with Jinyoung.

It shouldn’t have come as such a surprise, but when he walked into the same karaoke bar that Jinyoung had brought Mark’s bachelor party to, he felt it all over again: a slow-motion blur that only let him focus on Jinyoung himself, the same exactly feeling he had when he spotted the other boy in the reference section that random weekday that changed his life forever. They were strangers again, bound only by their past and their shared friends, a connection broken through distance and miscommunications. If only they hadn’t let things end the way they did, so hurtful and deep, maybe they could have picked right back up from where they left off, but it was never that simple. Jinyoung always liked to take the easy way, but Jaebum always knew better, and here, in bed with Youngjae, he knew it would be the most difficult path yet.

After the breakup, Jaebum went numb. He may have been the one to suggest it, to start the wheels in motion, but he destroyed himself because of it. Putting all of his energy into his work and none into his mental well-being, becoming a recluse easily based on his work schedule and traveling, never in one place long enough to feel comfortable, never surrounded by anyone who seemed to care much outside of work hours. He wasn’t like Jinyoung who preferred to be left alone, who operated better independently; Jaebum had always relied on Jinyoung for even a pinch of support in his darkest times. But it was different, Jaebum keeping most details to himself, only letting a few slip when Jackson would call or text, not wanting to show any signs of weakness, preferring to be seen as the asshole who ignored everyone who cared about him instead of the empty shell of a person he was without Jinyoung in his life.

As Youngjae shifted next to him in bed, Jaebum bit his lip softly, feeling guilty for thinking so deeply of his past like this, sinking back onto his back and pulling the covers up to his shoulders, back turned from the other man. Only a fool would wonder how he got there, Jaebum knowing what he would do now if only he could change the past, giving him and the one he truly loved another chance.

 

***

 

_For the first time in three months, Jaebum was going home. With a confirmed gap in his schedule, he had booked a flight back, ready to see the familiar sights and scenery, hoping to catch up with his family and share some much needed downtime together. What he wasn’t thrilled about was the possibility of seeing Jinyoung, secretly hoping that their paths wouldn’t cross, letting Mark and Jackson know he was being cautious just in case they tried to Parent Trap them back together in some odd scheme. The pair seemed to understand the severity of his request, even suggesting that they come to him if he wanted to see them, swearing up and down that they would never put him or Jinyoung in a situation that would make everyone uncomfortable._

_What Jaebum didn’t expect upon his arrival home was the tidal wave of emotions washing over him as soon as he stepped foot inside of the apartment, nearly forgetting all about how the last time he was there, Jinyoung was, too. But the cozy feeling the room always brought was missing, the other man’s belongings that used to be scattered from wall to wall were gone, emptiness spreading from corner to corner. He told himself he would be strong, that no matter who he saw or what he heard, he would keep it inside, not let anything tear him down. Glancing into the kitchen after putting his things on the ground, he noticed that a certain cactus was no longer there, his heart dropping into his stomach, praying that Jinyoung had took it with him. However, he knew better than to think Jinyoung would have taken it along, something inside of him guiding him to peer into the trash can, seeing the plant carelessly discarded on top as if meant nothing at all._

_Jaebum promised himself he wouldn’t cry, he swore he wouldn’t let a single tear fall. But actions speak louder than words, the broken man fixing the cactus back onto its rightful place in the window with water to revive it back to its usual vibrant green before taking a step back into the counter, leaning against it and letting out a muffled sob, giving into what he had fought so hard against._

 

_That night, Jaebum calmed down enough to eat something bland, sitting on the couch and ignoring the fact that Jinyoung’s recommendations still filled his queue. Putting on anything that would let his mind relax, he settled into the corner of the couch, staring at the ceiling for no reason in particular. After spending most of his day crying on the floor of his kitchen and later in his own bed, Jaebum was emotionally exhausted, battling with himself internally if he should attempt to contact Jinyoung at all. While he assumed he would want to avoid him by any means necessary, perhaps he could at least apologize for the way everything had happened, easing some of their unspoken tension for good. With his phone in his hand, Jaebum dialed the number he knew by heart, knowing there was a good chance Jinyoung could ignore it all together. Just as he conceded that it would in fact be going to voicemail, a voice broke onto the line, forcing him to sit up from his slouching position._

_“H-Hello?” Jinyoung said, an obvious nervousness about his voice._

_“Jinyoung,” Jaebum nearly whispered, shocked he even picked up to begin with. “I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d answer.”_

_“Yeah,” Jinyoung stated as if it were obvious. “I almost didn’t.”_

_“Oh,” Jaebum sighed, trying to disguise the clear anxiousness he felt rising inside. “I’m glad you did.”_

_There was a slight pause, Jaebum already scared he said something wrong, waiting for Jinyoung to continue before he pressed on._

_“What do you want, Jaebum?” Jinyoung sounded impatient, Jaebum nervously clearing his throat and taking a deep breath to compose himself._

_“I’m back in town and I’d like to talk,” he stated simply, words slightly rushed. “To you. About… things.”_

_“Things?” Jinyoung sounded dangerously amused. “What about them?”_

_“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum tried not to sound too eager, failing and ending up in a whine. “It’s important to me.”_

_“You really have some nerve calling me up for the first time since you broke up with me over a phone call,” Jinyoung spat, Jaebum wincing as he held his phone. “You dump me and kick me out and suddenly you need to talk and I’m just supposed to give in?”_

_“We can do it in public,” Jaebum rushed to suggest, not wanting to lose Jinyoung’s attention while he still had a chance, thinking of the one place he knew could be common ground. “The coffee shop on campus. It won’t even take twenty minutes. Please?”_

_“Fine,” Jinyoung gritted out. “Tomorrow. Noon. I’ll be timing you.”_

_“Thank you,” Jaebum sighed in relief, thankful that he accepted any proposition suggested. “I guess I’ll see you-”_

_Just like that, the line went dead, Jinyoung always having the last word even when he wasn’t saying anything at all._

 

_Running late by accident, Jaebum wasn’t surprised to see Jinyoung already waiting for him as he ordered his coffee, quickly coming over to join him at the small table. It had only been three months, but Jaebum had missed the soft edges that Jinyoung attempted to cover up with biting sarcasm, his hair fluffy and curling around his forehead, lips looking soft and pink as they always did. As he studied the younger boy’s face, Jaebum watched as Jinyoung nibbled his bottom lip nervously, hands moving between his thighs as he always did to calm himself down._

_“Thanks for meeting me,” Jaebum said simply, trying to be civil to start. “I promise I won’t waste your time.”_

_“That’s for me to decide,” Jinyoung smirked in an evil way, throwing Jaebum a little off-course. “But please, proceed with whatever is so important.”_

_Jaebum should have known it wasn’t going to be easy to face Jinyoung, the younger always having a way with words to distract him from his true intentions. But as he studied Jinyoung’s face, Jaebum tried to organize his thoughts, fumbling over the true meaning of what he needed to say._

_“I’m sorry,” Jaebum began, voice a little hesitant, but otherwise present. “I’m sorry for doing what I did on the phone. It was insensitive of me and I didn’t have the right to throw you out like that. I knew you had a place to go, but… I shouldn’t have done that.”_

_“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked, an eyebrow raised as he looked straight at Jaebum. “You called me here to apologize for dumping me?”_

_“No,” Jaebum sighed, looking down at his cup as he played with the cardboard sleeve. “I’m apologizing for doing it over the phone and kicking you out so quickly.”_

_It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was a start._

_“Hm,” Jinyoung’s posture shifted slightly, Jaebum always having a knack for noticing. “So, you’re not sorry for breaking up with me?”_

_“Well, I…,” Jaebum stumbled, feeling caught between what his heart wanted to say and what his mind needed him to say, both clashing and arguing over what would be the best path. He could admit it was wrong completely and deal with Jinyoung calling him a liar and an idiot, or he could continue to back up his opinion, holding his ground as he knew Jinyoung was the one who originally wanted the space. Either way, he was about to lose - something he should have realized before even attempting to contact the younger boy upon his arrival home._

_“Outstanding,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “Let me ask, how long did you know you were going to dump me? Weeks? Months? God, I should have guessed it when you cried at the airport. You fucking knew then, didn’t you?”_

_It wasn’t entirely true, Jaebum knowing in his heart that there had always been a slight chance none of it would work out, the distance becoming too much. But to say that he got on the plane thinking they would break up inevitably, it wasn’t so, the annoyance prickling at his skin as he listened to the accusations._

_“Jinyoung, please,” Jaebum hissed, head snapping up to finally look him in the eye again. “It wasn’t like that…”_

_“You definitely knew for at least a few weeks,” Jinyoung continued, clearly already having his own version of the story planned out. “You know, I didn’t try to convince you to stay because I didn’t think you would. I thought you would accuse me of holding you back again and well… who would I be if I didn’t keep the great Im Jaebum from reaching his full potential.”_

_“God, you are such a prick, Jinyoung!” Jaebum’s voice rose, the anger building inside of him as Jinyoung refused to give him a chance to speak his story. “You act like you’re so… you’re so innocent in all of this when I tried my fucking best to make things work. Did you know that, Jinyoung? That I tried to make things better and you wouldn’t let me?”_

_“Oh, I’m the one who stopped you?” Jinyoung voice nearly as loud as Jaebum’s, fighting back the only way he knew how. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to find a new job or buy a house together or act like our friends do because that’s not who I am and you know it! I’m only 23, I’m still young! I still have so much potential to work up to!”_

_“Yeah?” Jaebum asked, glaring heavily at the boy he once loved, aiming directly for a bullseye. “When are you ever going to live up to it?”_

_He didn’t mean it. At least, that’s what he told himself as he watched Jinyoung tear up right before his eyes, visibly crumbling from the sharp insult that Jaebum so carelessly tossed his way. He couldn’t take it back. Jaebum had crossed the line._

_“Is that it?” Jinyoung barely mumbled, clearly emotional from the sore subject. “Anything else you’d like say while I’m still at your mercy?”_

Maybe…, _Jaebum thought_ , that it’s always going to be you. I’m sure of it.

_“No,” Jaebum resigned, trying not to breakdown as well. “That’s it.”_

_Jinyoung stood up quickly, chair scraping across the floor as he stepped back, eyes wet and face tight, staring at Jaebum with all the power he had left._

_“To think that I thought you were…”_

_Jaebum knew the last two words, but he couldn’t take watching Jinyoung cry there, focusing back on his coffee as he heard Jinyoung storm out, exhaling deeply. Gripping onto the edge of the table, he took a few deep breaths to steady himself, wishing he had thought this through more, wishing he had understood what he had done to Jinyoung to make everything such a mess. If he was the man he always used to be, he would have grabbed Jinyoung’s arm and kept him there, apologizing until his voice went raw. Instead, he wiped a single stray tear away, trying to forget what Jinyoung had never found the courage to say before._

_To think that I thought you were… the one._

 

 

It was another dream, another flashback to a time where Jaebum wished he could have been a little stronger, a little clearer on what exactly he wanted and needed to say to keep Jinyoung around. It was the second time that week he was waking up with a cool sweat gathering at the small of his back, guiltily glancing over at Youngjae still peacefully resting, blissfully unaware of the active scenarios always replaying in Jaebum’s mind. While he knew it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t pushing him to confess any faster, the guilt continuing to build and pile up, leaving Jaebum to retreat more and more into his own little world.

The dream wasn’t pleasant, taking his mind back to the last time he had seen Jinyoung in two whole years, leaving their relationship even more broken than where they had left it before he started his new job. After spending the rest of his time home staring at a stupid cactus with little meaning and attempting to enjoy a little of it with his family, he returned back to work, emotionless and stripped of life. Jaebum didn’t want to have fun; he preferred to take everything very seriously, often times controlling shoots a little too much, forcing his superiors to step in to reel him back in and bring him back into the real world. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and suddenly Jaebum didn’t recognize himself anymore, feeling like he had no purpose doing what he loved, never reaching out to see how any of his friends were handling their own lives as well.

Jaebum never thought he could hurt Jinyoung. Sure, their entire relationship was based on a push-and-pull system, one always pushing the other to the limits but ultimately sacrificing and compromising to bring them back into an even balance until the entire process repeated itself again. But after hiding his job search, breaking up over the phone, and insulting Jinyoung’s very existence the last time he visited home, Jaebum knew he had caused more damage than he could repair, letting it all settle out of his mind while he trudged forward, searching for something that could show him life wasn’t all about the ones you left behind.

Choi Youngjae wasn’t like anyone Jaebum had ever met. Most of the models on shoots that required them weren’t very interesting, too caught up in their own heads to ever show a sign of personality or uniqueness that stuck around. But after completing a high-end editorial spread for a men’s fashion publication, Jaebum found himself chatting with the other man over coffee and a bagel at the catering table, the bright and boisterous laugh Youngjae offered actually putting a small smile on Jaebum’s face. It felt a little out of place and definitely strange after so many months of self-depreciation, but it was a sign of positivity, the two exchanging numbers with a promise that they should meet up outside of work hours to chat or grab drinks.

The two eventually met up that same weekend, learning more about each other over a glass of wine and some shared plates, Jaebum laughing for the first time in what felt like months. Youngjae made him feel so at ease, never fighting or arguing with him over a subject, actually respecting his words and letting him speak without limits. It was different than Jinyoung, but wouldn’t anyone be? Wasn’t it time to face the fact that he needed to move on, even if it was only to make a friend that he never would have considered in Jinyoung’s presence? If anything, Jaebum needed something in his life that wasn’t work or personal agony, and a friendship would fill that void easily, letting him have a bit of positivity to lean back on. After Jaebum packed up his things and started traveling again, he and Youngjae texted and chatted often, the two becoming fast friends with many common interests. Jaebum was happy to learn how close Youngjae lived to him when he wasn’t working, instantly having a connection that Jaebum hadn’t found with many others. While Jinyoung had never been a great listener, Youngjae was excellent, always telling Jaebum to go first with anything he wanted to share, offering his praises or condolences depending on the situation directly after.

Eventually, Jaebum started to become completely comfortable with sharing anything with Youngjae, finally opening up to someone about his tough breakup with Jinyoung. Without ever using his name, Jaebum explained almost every detail, how fast he fell in love, how hard he tried to get Jinyoung to understand how to love, how easily it all fell apart when everything went south. Surprisingly, Youngjae was sympathetic, offering only kind words to Jaebum, letting him rest easy knowing that it wasn’t all his fault, that he tried his best and some things weren’t always meant to be. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but with the newfound confidence in himself, Jaebum began to defrost, trying to bring back the life he always felt rushing through his veins. After spilling his heart out, Jaebum was drawn even closer to Youngjae, feeling safe whenever they spoke, conversations shifting a bit deeper and leaning a little romantic, the flirting starting so innocently as a way to pass the time, ultimately ending in something a little too hot to dwell on.

It wasn’t until it had been nearly two years since he and Jinyoung had split that Jaebum made a move to see Youngjae again in person, surprising him at a photoshoot he wasn’t scheduled to work, asking him out on a real date and kissing him before he could even say yes. While it wasn’t dramatic like anything with Jinyoung was, it felt safe and it felt right, letting Jaebum finally regain a tiny bit of normalcy that he had been missing. Like all of their conversations, texts and phone calls, the impromptu date of dinner and a movie went smoothly, just as their friendship had started, ending in Jaebum’s hotel room, the man getting laid for the first time in 24 months - a record he would never repeat again.

Covering himself back up and leaning his head on Youngjae’s shoulder, Jaebum paused his reminiscing as he knew what part was next: deciding to return home and become a victim of Jinyoung’s deathly gaze, ultimately falling into a trap he had set for himself. Not only was it unfair to keep having these thoughts without telling Youngjae, but it wasn’t fair to keep torturing himself when he had grown from those days, the past in the past and the future looking so bright once again. But as he listened to Youngjae’s gentle breathing, Jaebum closed his eyes, wondering what it would have been like if he hadn’t left immediately after being with Jinyoung the night of the wedding, falling asleep to the rhythm of his breathing like he always used to.

 

***

 

_“Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked, glasses on his face, staring at the sight of Jinyoung looking completely disheveled in the doorway. “What are you doing here?”_

_“I… I don’t know,” Jinyoung stuttered, hands nervously gripping onto his sleeves. “I tried to go home, I swear. I was driving and I don’t remember how, but I got here. I didn’t mean to come here. I promise.”_

_“Then why did you come to the door?” Jaebum leaned into the door frame, studying Jinyoung’s face, trying to understand the younger’s thought process. “You could have turned around…”_

_“I got fired,” Jinyoung blurted out, a nervous laugh accidently following it. “I got fired and my head is completely empty, seriously. I can’t think of anything to do or say or feel and when I saw I ended up here… what did you always like to say? Fate or some bullshit like that?”_

_Jaebum kept his tight stare locked on Jinyoung, observing him closely as his hand adjusted the eyewear on his face while he thought. Why he ended up back here, Jaebum couldn’t guess. But would it be so bad to offer a tiny bit of sympathy seeing as Jinyoung was already there? Eventually stepping aside, Jaebum motioned him in, Jinyoung muttering a soft thank you before going to sit in the middle of the sofa he once used to nap on endlessly. Jaebum followed him, sitting straight back in his armchair, eyes still focused on Jinyoung’s every move._

_“I’m sorry,” Jaebum said, expression a little softer. “I’m sorry you got fired. I can’t imagine how that must make you feel.”_

_“It sucks,” Jinyoung snapped, obviously still annoyed by the situation. “And now I have nothing to show for anything I’ve done in life. I went to school and got a job and now I have nothing. How fucked up is that?”_

_“Well,” Jaebum said, trying his best to not get invested in the issue. “It’s not like it was your dream job, right? You were basically a glorified secretary.”_

_“Excuse me?” Jinyoung hissed, head snapping back to look in Jaebum’s direction. “Yeah, okay, sorry! It isn’t jet-setting around the world, photographing half-naked models under a waterfall or some shit like that, but it paid the bills and I really thought it could lead to something more. I’m so fucking sorry that I relied on being a fucking secretary to get by. How long have you been holding that insult in?”_

_“This isn’t about me,” Jaebum kept his cool, already numb to whatever Jinyoung might say. “It’s about you losing your ambitions and getting comfortable existing at the same level for so long. You used to tell me there was so much more to people than what they actually say and you wanted to be the one to help them express themselves. Remember that?”_

_“No,” Jinyoung said quietly, looking away as if he already knew Jaebum could see straight through his lies. “I wouldn’t be good at that anyway. I don’t understand a damn thing anyone says or does anymore. I’m not good at anything. I’m… I’m worthless.”_

_As Jinyoung turned his head to attempt to conceal the tears forming in his eyes, Jaebum felt a tiny pang of guilt rising in his chest, something inside of his mind wanting to pull him over and comfort the other boy without a second thought. While he couldn’t offer what he used to do, Jaebum could at least try something, opting for a gentle method of help._

_“Jinyoung…,” Jaebum said quietly, moving to sit next to him, hand placed gently high up on his back in a friendly manner. “You’re not worthless. You’re just a little lost. That’s not such a bad thing.”_

_“Same difference,” Jinyoung mumbled, letting a few tears streak down his face. “Every day I wake up and I think to myself, what went wrong? How did I get stuck in such an awful routine in a job I hate all alone? Why can’t I pick myself up and make something of my life?”_

_Jaebum couldn't help but assume some of that blame, leaving Jinyoung to fend for himself when he knew that there was a possibility of this happening. Even if he felt guilty, it wasn't like Jaebum never tried to help, eventually giving up when Jinyoung wouldn't accept the advice and recommendations he shared. He had to act impartial, not siding with or against Jinyoung, acting as a completely separate third party._

_“You’re acting like it’s as simple as finding a finish line,” Jaebum offered, thinking of all the things he would say to a friend in this situation. “It’s not that easy, Jinyoung. There’s no set destination for each of us, you know that right? This is just a stop along the way. More will come as long as you keep moving.”_

_“Nothing is going the way it was supposed to,” Jinyoung sighed, Jaebum’s heart throbbing once with a weak ache. “I was supposed to graduate and get an amazing job and have an amazing future. I wasn’t supposed to feel so… so…”_

_Jaebum wanted to finish the sentence, interject that he too still felt scared, uncertain and alone at times, but he couldn’t show his cards, keeping Jinyoung at a distance as he sorted out how he really felt himself._

_“It’s going to be okay,” Jaebum said quickly, hoping Jinyoung wasn’t too observant of his hasty reply. “I know you’re upset and god only knows why you showed up here, but you’re going to be fine. Just go home, get some rest and relax before the wedding.”_

_“The wedding?” Jinyoung sighed, sulking back into the cushions. “Can’t wait for it to remind me even more of the shortcomings in my pathetic life.”_

_“Jinyoung,” Jaebum reprimanded him, not wanting him to continue to mope around his apartment. “You need to go home and get a grip.”_

_“Thanks for the advice,” Jinyoung muttered under his breath, crossing his arms in a familiar stance._

_“Oh, my mistake,” Jaebum countered. “I thought we weren’t friends, remember?”_

_Jaebum shifted his jaw, trying to look as subtly threatening as possible, watching Jinyoung squirm until there was a light knock on Jaebum’s door, a cheerful voice nearly shouting behind it._

_“Jaebum!” Youngjae practically yelled, knocking even more. “I brought lunch! It’s your favorite! Kimbap… lots of it!”_

_Panic washed over him as Jaebum realized that Youngjae had made plans to bring him lunch, already back in town from his most recent shoot. Staying completely still, Jaebum tried to think of all the ways they could avoid meeting, secretly wishing for another door to shove Jinyoung out of before it was too late. But maybe it was better this way, having them meet when Jinyoung was already down, letting it hurt him only a tiny bit compared to the loss of his job._

_“Jaebum?” Youngjae asked again. “Are you in there?”_

_“Y-yes!” Jaebum finally moved, getting up and nervously pulling Jinyoung along with him. “One second!”_

_“What are you doing?” Jinyoung shrugged Jaebum’s grip from his shoulder, brushing him off. “Who is that?”_

_“Shh!” Jaebum hushed him, putting a finger to his lips. “It’s no one. And be quiet!”_

_“No one? Yeah right,” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow in his direction. “And why are we whispering?”_

_“You have to go,” Jaebum stated, pulling him by the wrist to the door, hoping he wouldn’t make a scene in front of his boyfriend. “You shouldn’t be here.”_

_“Why?” Jinyoung placed his hands on his hips, trying to look as intimidating as possible. “Is it your boyfriend or something?”_

_Jaebum froze in place, line of vision anywhere but Jinyoung, trying to figure out how he could avoid the rest of this confrontation. He didn’t want Jinyoung to figure it out so easily, but it was just like him to be quick witted when he needed to, already backing Jaebum into a corner where he couldn’t escape. Jinyoung laughed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he grabbed his keys, heading for the door. Jaebum quickly followed, watching as Jinyoung swung open the door to come face to face with Youngjae, the man’s smile falling in confusion as Jinyoung refused to move from blocking the doorway._

_“Um, hi,” Youngjae looking at Jaebum in confusion, trying to determine what was happening. “Jaebum, who is this?”_

_“Jinyoung,” Jaebum stated simply without emphasis or follow up, letting the name hang in the air, Jinyoung’s strong stare targeting the new face. Youngjae smiled back in his direction, seemingly satisfied with Jaebum’s response._

_“Oh, it’s nice to meet you!” Youngjae laughed, Jaebum feeling a hint of guilt for not connecting the dots between “ex-boyfriend” and the man in front of him. “I’m Youngjae, would you like to join us for lunch?”_

_“No thanks,” Jinyoung replied, Jaebum expecting something a little meaner. “Not interested.”_

_As if it was on cue, Jinyoung turned around to face Jaebum head-on, pulling his best smirk._

_“Enjoy your kimbap, Jaebummie.”_

_The nickname was a low blow, Jaebum regretting ever liking the sound of it rolling off of Jinyoung’s lips, hating how it became one of his weapons against him. Shoving past Youngjae, Jinyoung stormed back down the same path he had arrived from, leaving the two men in the doorway of the apartment stunned. Handing the bag of food over to Jaebum, Youngjae walked inside, looking over as Jaebum attempted to shake the stunned look on his face loose._

_“Jaebum,” Youngjae said softly, always so kind and attentive. “Who was that?”_

_Maybe it would help if Jaebum would be a bit more honest._

_“Well,” Jaebum sighed, setting the bag on the table as he looked in Youngjae’s direction. “His name is Jinyoung. He’s the boy who broke my heart.”_

_“Oh,” Youngjae replied, nodding slightly, getting some plates for them to use. “He doesn’t know about us?”_

_“No,” Jaebum sighed, shaking his head. “I’ve only told Jackson so far.”_

_“Are you afraid of something?” Youngjae asked, placing his hand on Jaebum’s upper arm. “I don’t mean to rush you, but I don’t like being a secret.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Jaebum forced a smile, placing his arm around Youngjae’s shoulders. “I guess I’m getting used to all of this again. Everyone will know before we leave for Hawaii. Forgive me?”_

_“You know I do,” Youngjae smiled, pressing a small peck to Jaebum’s lips before unpacking the food, missing the longing glance Jaebum gave the cactus on the windowsill behind him._

 

 

It was another night, another dream.

It was becoming too routine and Jaebum was afraid of where it might lead, preferring to press his body more against Youngjae’s in search of a fleeting moment of comfort.

 

***

 

_After everything that had happened since he returned home for good, Jaebum felt lost. Things had been on a new, but better, track, summer leading into the fall, taking a risk by making it official with Youngjae, finally moving along with everything in life. His new position at his company let him relax a little, putting him in charge of an entire team, letting his expertise shine through where it was most needed. But when he saw Jinyoung at the bachelor party, when he saw Jinyoung the next morning in their old bed, when he saw Jinyoung the day he got let go from his job, the tiny flame in his belly grew, the spark still undeniably there with the other boy he had loved so much. If he wasn’t with Youngjae, he could have taken the risk of confessing his true feelings to Jinyoung without a second thought. There was a chance that Jinyoung could still feel bitter, could still want to hurt him more than ever, but at least the thought would get off his chest, letting him rest a bit easier, soaking in heartbreak instead of a series of “what-ifs.”_

_Jaebum wasn’t sure how much longer he could act like everything was okay. When he was at work, all he could think of was Jinyoung. Driving? Jinyoung messing with the stereo, playing the same song on repeat. Motorcycle ride? Jinyoung wrapping his arms around his stomach, never letting go. Cooking dinner? Jinyoung watering the cactus before taking his seat at the table, eyes lighting up when he realized Jaebum had prepared his favorite meal. Sex? Jaebum blushed at the thought, only recently starting to picture Jinyoung instead of his actual boyfriend below him, grunting and biting back the urge to moan his name in pleasure when he came._

_All of that is how he found himself in front of Jinyoung’s hotel room shortly after the rehearsal dinner had ended, Jaebum knowing the younger man had escaped back to his room fairly quickly after it concluded. While he had convinced himself to walk all this way and knock on the door, Jaebum realized he didn’t have much of a plan after that, hesitating to do anything at all. What would he even say to Jinyoung if he answered? Should he confess that he still felt something and it wasn’t until he moved back that it all clicked together again? Should he tell Jinyoung how sorry he was for the way he treated him after dumping him unceremoniously on the phone? Would it be wise to admit that things with Youngjae weren’t as serious as they seemed… but maybe that was only his point of view, leaving his boyfriend in the dark of what he was really expecting from their relationship?_

_Reaching into his back pocket, Jaebum pulled out a worn instant photograph that was of the two of them on their two year anniversary, both of them posing close together in the alley with the string lights near the restaurant they had visited on their first date. Knowing that Jaebum always favored the photograph of Jinyoung in that same setting, the younger boy suggested they take their own couple shots in that same spot, Jaebum’s heart fluttering at the thought. The one in his pocket was his favorite; Jinyoung’s cheek squished against his own, smiles so wide their eyes disappeared into their faces, Jinyoung’s eye whiskers prominent even with the bright flash. Jaebum had never removed it from his wallet, honestly forgetting about it during the breakup, but recently rediscovering it when packing for his trip overseas for the wedding. Like fate had kept it there itself, Jaebum took it as a sign, eyes glancing back at the door in front of him as he slipped in back into his pocket._

_If Jinyoung answered, he would confess. He would be honest and open, leaving it all out for Jinyoung to judge and sort through, letting him decide what he wanted to do with it in the end. There would be nothing left to hide, hoping that Jinyoung would at least understand, secretly wishing he still felt even a portion of the same feelings that had reawakened inside of Jaebum’s heart. After he would share this all with Jinyoung, even if he was rejected, yelled at, screamed at, Jaebum would tell Youngjae what he had done and how he had been feeling, taking the blame and figuring out what his next steps would be without the nasty backlash that would come with a more extreme act like cheating or purposefully avoiding him at all costs._

_But as Jaebum went to knock on the door, something stopped him every time, fidgeting and getting crushed under the intense pressure the simple act seemed to put on him. Cursing under his breath, he tried again and again, hand never seeming to want to make contact with the wood, sighing deeply at his lack of effort. Without his body and mind on the same page, making something happen that night would be impossible, the stress eating him up from inside, alarms in his mind signalling that the timing wasn’t right. This weekend wasn’t about him or what he had or still felt for Jinyoung; it was about Mark and Jackson and who they had become together and it would be selfish to take a piece of that away if everything went wrong before the ceremony._

_Pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes and groaning in frustration, Jaebum offered one more look to the door before walking away, hoping he was making the right choice by keeping things bottled up inside. Deep down, he knew he couldn’t hold out much longer, something brewing inside of him that he couldn’t keep down. The guilt had already started to build, feeling unfaithful to Youngjae by even having these thoughts and hating himself for even thinking about Jinyoung one second more than his actual boyfriend. Everything had shifted the minute he fell in love again at first sight, remembering how his heart jumped in his chest at the bar when he realized Jinyoung had brought Mark’s bachelor party to the same place he had brought Jackson’s group. It only intensified when Jinyoung carelessly placed his hand in his own in the limo on the drive home, drunk and completely out of it. With Jinyoung resting peacefully in their bed from drinking too much, Jaebum swore it almost felt like home, hiding the cactus Jinyoung had tried to dispose of before he woke up, not wanting to seem like he was still carrying a torch for the asshole who stole his heart in the library over five years ago._

 

 

As Jaebum thought of all these details, he wished it was a dream. Instead, he was wide awake and sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands as he tried to pinpoint the moment where it all went so wrong again. He had gotten one more moment with Jinyoung since the series of events on his mind, but at what cost? The cracks ran too deep, poisoned from the inception, ruining any chances at reconciliation. His careless need to feel that way with Jinyoung again had effectively scorched the road to forgiveness, casting an ugly shadow over his connection with another man. Love was supposed to be beautiful and timeless, a little careless and reckless, wild and free. But at 25, Jaebum wanted something he considered real and honest, and there was only one person that would ever fill that role perfectly, and at that point in time, it seemed like they were never going to speak again.

“Jaebum?” A soft voice next to him rasped, Jaebum turning his head to look over. “Are you still up?”

“Y-yeah,” Jaebum sighed, moving his body back under the duvet, scooting closer to Youngjae. “Just… thinking.”

“Again? You’ve been having trouble sleeping a lot recently,” Youngjae noted innocently, having no clue what Jaebum had been dealing with. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

“No, no,” Jaebum shook his head, sighing as he hesitated to become the big spoon behind Youngjae. “Just a little stressed from work, that’s all.”

“I see,” Youngjae yawned, closing his eyes as he adjusted himself to fit better under Jaebum’s reach. “Goodnight, Jaebum. Get some rest.”

“Of course,” Jaebum sighed, pressing a detached kiss to the back of Youngjae’s head, eyes still open as his mind continued to wander into the stacks of memories unsorted, pulling out the most painful to guilt him to sleep.

 

_I wasn’t lying when I said you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen._

 

_It’s still true, you know._

 

_Maybe even more so than before._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> I wasn't expecting to write his perspective so soon, but I think we all needed a teeny tiny bit of insight instead of driving ourselves crazy, hm?
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> What do you think of Jaebum now? What questions do you have for him now that you've heard some of his side? What do you wish Jinyoung could know?
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> Thanks so much for reading and being patient and wonderful. I appreciate all of your comments, kudos, subscriptions, views, tweets, confessions, everything!!!
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> twitter/tumblr: link in bio


	10. Chapter 10

Jinyoung was familiar with the term ‘revenge body.’ He knew of people going out, hitting the gym, fixing themselves up physically to capture the attention of an ex-lover, only to shamelessly deny them any real conversation or one-on-one time. But with his slim physique and lack of drive for anything requiring him to lift something heavier than ten pounds, Jinyoung had to focus on a different type of payback: self-improvement. Most of his problems over the past few years all circled around his loss of ambition regarding his career and future, settling into a boring routine of barely scraping by. But after getting fired and spending the weeks that followed questioning his every motive, the man was ready to make a comeback, applying to every job he could find online that fit his requirements, hoping that something would stick. Jinyoung never would have thought being unemployed would be worse than working a job he hated, but after returning from Hawaii with more questions than he left with, the freetime began to drive him mad, restless nights leading into groggy mornings, forgetting simple things like turning off the stove after making tea or refilling his gas tank before the low fuel light appeared.

It wasn’t like he was a fully-functioning adult before getting fired and his multiple run-ins with Jaebum, but Jinyoung suddenly had his fire back, a desire to really listen to his heart and find his calling again. If someone wanted to accuse him of trying to avoid what happened with his ex-boyfriend, so be it, because it was partially true. If Jinyoung was occupied and working, spending time away from his bedroom, there would be less time to dwell on the entire situation, the horrible, agonizing combination of self-pity and guilt subdued by the menial tasks of employment. Out of the house, Jinyoung wouldn’t keep wondering if Jaebum would call and admit he had confessed to Youngjae, or maybe would stop staring at his apartment door, acting as if Jaebum would show up and knock to make the admission in person, a generic grand gesture of romance to back it up.

Over three weeks had passed since Jinyoung had returned home from the wedding, beginning his process of bettering himself, pretending like the thoughts of Jaebum didn’t exist while simultaneously patting himself on the back for not acting out. He gave himself a few days upon his return to wallow in shame and sorrow, letting a few tears fall as he felt like he was being broken up with all over again even though the other man clearly had no intentions to stick around and make things right. But as days passed and Jinyoung crawled out of the hole he pushed himself into, he no longer hissed at the sun or glared at the cheerful characters in his crime dramas; one might have even said he was reaching a level of normalcy he hadn’t felt in months. While he still felt the heavy grudge lingering on every memory and thought, Jinyoung didn’t try to fight it, instead shoving anything related to the other man far back in his mind.

Being okay and acting okay were two completely different mindsets, but Jinyoung was satisfied with acting as long as it meant he could go about his day like a normal adult man, applying and interviewing for various jobs downtown. It had been years since he had gone to an interview, feeling rusty when asked about anything specific related to his degree. Jinyoung remembered selecting Communication Sciences and Disorders for his major because of his belief that he was already super in control of his own forms of communication and easily picked up on others, wanting to put it towards a good use. But at 25, was that still true? Was Jinyoung still that same cocky asshole who believed he could read anyone in an instant and have a solution to their problems? Thinking about college and everything to get his degree didn’t help matters, the unspoken tale of how he met Jaebum always floating through his mind during the interview process. Maybe if he had met Jaebum before his junior year, he would have switched majors, joining his boyfriend and best friend in the art department, studying about color theory and the rule of thirds. Maybe if he had considered his future instead of his adolescent assumptions about his shitty attitude, Jinyoung would be better prepared to take the next adult step in finding a true career.

After attending a handful of interviews that all seemed to lead to a dead end, Jinyoung felt himself giving up, slipping back into the same old habits he was trying to break. It had been a month without a job and his bank account wasn’t getting any richer, putting more frustration onto his plate. Jinyoung would feel elated when he would get a single call back, only to go for the second round of questioning and feel twice as crushed as the employer let him know they were “pursuing more qualified candidates.” If he had known the agony of waiting for the phone to ring for a potential job offer, Jinyoung would have gladly worked harder at his previous position, putting in longer hours to prove he was a viable candidate to continue his duties. Instead, Jinyoung took out his frustrations by reading random novels gracing his bookshelf and spending time with his new boyfriend, Kang-joon.

Things had fallen into place quite nicely after being fucked and left to drown in his sorrows by Jaebum, Jinyoung immediately appreciating the stark contrast in the way Kang-joon would treat him, calling and texting him throughout the day, even though they only lived a short drive apart. At first, things started off extremely PG, Jinyoung sealing their unofficial date in Hawaii with a kiss that promised more would come of their short time together. Once he arrived back home, Jinyoung spent a day or so adjusting from the jet lag and time differences before reaching back out to the other man, receiving a reply immediately. They made plans to go out on a real date that night, Jinyoung dressing up in what used to be Jaebum’s favorite date night outfit: black skinny denim with a button down shirt to match, a sport coat that accentuated his slim waist and ended right before the plump curve of his backside and shiny black oxfords without socks. He couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as he fixed his hair into a side part, knowing that another man would be ripping off said jacket, desperately clawing at the buttons of his dress shirt before the night was completely over. It was his own subtle revenge, another step in reclaiming his life from the man who broke his heart.

Of course, Jinyoung had been right, dinner seeming more like a never-ending wine tasting with snacks, the two men making out recklessly in the back of a cab before returning to Kang-joon’s apartment where he wrestled Jinyoung into bed, the two finally getting their night together that had originally started back at the wedding. The one date turned into two, then into three and four, Jinyoung already loving the routine of going out and coming back to the same place time after time, basking in the undivided attention of another man that was into him more than he ever expected. If being with Jaebum was like fire, Kang-joon was like air, light and easy, sweeping him off his feet and into his arms easily without a fight. Jinyoung had found something to grab ahold of and anchor himself to as he sorted the rest of his internal messes out, thanking Kang-joon with kisses and various affections, hoping he knew that Jinyoung appreciated him for more than what he could admit.

One night while Jinyoung was alone at home after a day spent interviewing and tidying up his apartment, his phone rang, a familiar photo of Mark lighting up the screen. Normally, Jinyoung would cheerfully answer it, cracking wise about the married life and all the other problems Mark had recently brought onto himself. However, Jinyoung was still slightly on edge with that other side of his life, unsure of what Mark and Jackson may have known about him and Jaebum, praying to anyone that would listen that he could get away with what had happened.

_Surely dealing with the guilt, frustration and unprecedented anger is punishment enough, right?_

After the ringing stopped, Jinyoung sighed in relief, thankful his overthinking had caused him to miss the call completely. But Mark knew Jinyoung nearly better than he knew himself, the phone going off again immediately, Jinyoung groaning in frustration as he decided to answer it to end his misery.

“Yes, Mark?” Jinyoung asked. “How may I help you?”

“You’re alive!” Mark laughed, Jinyoung smiling at the familiar sound. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Here, duh,” Jinyoung scoffed, leaning into the arm of his sofa. “Why, were you _worried_ or something?”

“A little,” Mark replied honestly. “You didn’t bother me at all on my honeymoon and I haven’t heard a peep since Jia- I mean _Jackson_ and I got back. What’s up?”

“First of all, you told me not to bother you,” Jinyoung explained. “And secondly, you’ll be happy to know I have spent the last few weeks applying and interviewing for jobs all over town. You should be proud of me.”

“Wow! I’m… honestly speechless,” Mark chuckled in amusement at the revelation. “You really went out there and tried? Alert the media, we have a breaking story…”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung groaned, running his fingers through his hair. “Not that you deserve to know, but I have another interview this week for an assistant spot. I’d be helping a team of speech pathologists and the company would pay for me to get my graduate degree so I can eventually become one myself.”

“That… sounds like a lot of work,” Mark teased. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

“You’re acting like I didn’t have this conversation a thousand times with myself,” Jinyoung smiled. “I’m sure. I need this, Mark. It actually feels like the right path I need to take.”

“Good for you,” Mark replied, the firm encouragement he always displayed when Jinyoung made the right decision apparent in his voice. “I can’t believe you came to a decision all on your own.”

“Well, not completely alone…,” Jinyoung trailed off, biting his lip as he debated internally how much he wanted to share with his best friend now that there was much to hide.

“Oh?” Mark sounded surprised, Jinyoung easily picturing the smug grins he used to wear in their shared dorm room. “Did you and Jaebum make up or something?”

“What?! Absolutely _not_ ,” Jinyoung hissed back into the phone, half annoyed at the accusation but also partially relieved, hoping that the assumption meant Mark didn’t know a thing. “I haven’t spoken to him since the wedding.”

“Huh,” Mark sounded perplexed, taking a moment to gather his choice of words. “Jackson hasn’t heard from him since then either. Because you went off the grid at the same time, we both kind of assumed…”

That’s when Jinyoung realized that he and Jaebum weren’t being suspicious based on their lewd and inappropriate meeting in his hotel room that night. Their friends had assumed somehow, someway that they had magically made up for all of the years apart and heartbreak the other had caused, leading them down a path to reconciliation. Jinyoung couldn’t figure out what pieces of information could have led Mark to believe such a thing, especially when he knew that the newly-married man was usually rational and analytical when it came to issues between him and Jaebum. Because they went silent at the same time it was insinuated that something was up between them? More importantly, if Jinyoung had been quietly sorting himself out during this time, why hadn’t Jaebum said a word to either Jackson or Mark in the time they had been back? Was he secretly feeling the mountains of guilt he build around himself? Did he tell Youngjae exactly what happened, forcing himself into exile? None of it really made any sense, but did _anything_ in Jinyoung’s life make sense after what had happened between them?

“I haven’t spoken to him at all,” Jinyoung stated firmly. “If you called just to ask about that, then I’m sorry, you’re going to be disappointed.”

“I get it,” Mark sounded a little confused, Jinyoung able to hear Jackson chattering quietly in the background. “If it’s not him, then who has been keeping you company? Is this another Hyuk situation?”

“No,” Jinyoung sighed. “But you do know him… Kang-joon?”

“Kang-joon? Seo Kang-joon?” Mark let out a bubble of a laugh, Jinyoung nibbling on his lip nervously. “Wedding planner Seo Kang-joon has a thing… for you?”

“Yah,” Jinyoung whined, brows furrowing together. “It’s more than just a thing, Mark. We’re… he’s…”

_Your boyfriend! Say it proudly! Admit it out loud! Do it!_

“Oh my god,” Mark giggled softly. “He’s your boyfriend. You’re dating a wedding planner. This is too rich.”

“Please don’t dwell on this,” Jinyoung sighed, rubbing his left temple gently. “Yes, he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a few weeks now after having brunch the day after the wedding. We made things official one night after we had sex and he was brushing his teeth in the bathroom doorway as I cleaned my body off. Was that enough of a detailed run-down for you? Should I elaborate more? Maybe I should ask you why you didn’t tell me about him sooner.”

“Because,” Mark hummed softly. “You know exactly why.”

_See? He knows you well._

“That’s irrelevant,” Jinyoung complained. “ _He’s_ irrelevant. We behaved during the entire wedding and I’m sorry you thought we made up, but we didn’t. It’s not in the cards.”

“Whatever you say, Jinyoungie,” Mark giggled again, clearly happy to have pressed a few of Jinyoung’s buttons. “By the way, I didn’t call you just to tease you. I have a formal invitation to extend to you.”

“Oh?” Jinyoung sat up a little straighter, happy to move on from the subject of his ex. “What would the invite be for?”

“Well, Jackson is taking this whole marriage thing very seriously,” Mark laughed, Jackson openly whining in the distance. “He wanted to throw a Christmas party, but make it more… adult. So, think of it as a dinner party.”

“A dinner party?” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. “Meaning formalwear, name cards on themed place settings, artisanal beverages instead of BYOB?”

“Yes,” Mark groaned, obviously not as thrilled about the idea as his husband was. “And you should bring Kang-joon along, I’ll make sure Jackson has a name card for him as well.”

“That’s so thoughtful,” Jinyoung smiled. “Sure, I’ll invite him along. Just text me the details and we’ll be there.”

“Great,” Mark replied. “I guess that’s it for me… are you sure there’s nothing else exciting going on in your life?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Jinyoung lied, staring up at the ceiling as he lounged back against the couch, thinking of the millions of ways he could confess his lingering guilt. “Just the way I like it.”

 

 

When Jinyoung explained the dinner party plan to Kang-joon, the other man seemed thrilled, excited to attend a party he didn’t have to plan or oversee any details of, elated to go along with Jinyoung as his date. It would be their first time together in front of anyone they knew, Jinyoung feeling a bit nervous as to who exactly would be in attendance. While Mark had said they hadn’t heard from Jaebum in weeks, it would be just Jinyoung’s luck for Jaebum to show up with Youngjae in tow, ready to show off to the world how happy he was now that he was no longer a part of Jinyoung’s life. Unlike those other times where Jinyoung had been all alone and forced to spend time with couples only, he would now have someone by his side, a man who never wanted to fight or argue, who always let Jinyoung have his way.

The more he thought about it, the more Jinyoung wished Jaebum would show up, hoping that it would give him the opportunity to shove some revenge back in his face. Not only did he buy a brand new outfit (complete with another string tie, deep burgundy in color to fit the theme), but Jinyoung had his confidence back, a sense of swagger only heightened by the fact that, yeah, he could move on, too. Kang-joon was handsome, kind, a great listener and he was going to be on Jinyoung’s arm all night, laughing at his jokes and whispering sexy things in his ear all while in the presence of someone who could have had it all if only he had given it a little more thought. Jinyoung was clearly still hurt by the entire ordeal, but too tired to dwell on it as much as he would have liked to, already having used most of his tears when they originally broke up. Learning from his mistakes, Jinyoung instead chose to funnel that energy into his new relationship, really giving it his all unlike the times in the past where it was simply a bandage to a bigger problem.

While he considered himself to be handling things the right way, Jinyoung had yet to be completely honest with Kang-joon, never revealing much about his past relationships, only really admitting that he had been in one and yes, it had been serious. Without revealing Jaebum’s name, he danced around the subject, leaving large gaps of details out to keep some sort of control over the image he was portraying, wanting Kang-joon to always have a reason to look at him like he was the only man in the world. If he was being honest, Jinyoung had missed that power, the way he used to be able to make anyone do whatever he wanted them to, getting off on the fact that he was in complete control of every social interaction. When he had met Jaebum, his ways of communicating were exposed, a sense of balance eventually falling between them as the years went on. Having the upper-hand with Kang-joon meant that he could fix things before the other even realized they were broken, hoping he would never catch on to Jinyoung’s slightly paranoid nature.

After spending their afternoon shopping for small gifts to bring to the white elephant gift exchange Mark had reluctantly explained in a text a few days prior (actively complaining about Jackson’s ability to convince him that it wasn’t a Christmas party without a fun gift exchange), Jinyoung and Kang-joon returned to Jinyoung’s apartment where they wrapped their gifts and prepared themselves for the party. Pairing his new tie with a fresh dress shirt and black vest, Jinyoung made sure to pick his most form-fitting slacks, adjusting every detail in the long mirror attached to his bathroom door. Kang-joon was a little more laid back, dark burgundy blazer looking sharp against the black denim and button down he chose to wear.

“We look hot,” Kang-joon noted, chuckling as he adjusted the collar of his shirt. “You should be proud to show me off to all of your friends.”

“I’d be proud no matter what,” Jinyoung smiled, fidgeting with his belt buckle to straighten it out. “Let’s just hope Jackson didn’t go overboard with his ambitions for the party.”

“What, not so into the holidays?” Kang-joon joked, completely oblivious to Jinyoung’s repulsion regarding Christmas cheer and anyone who unabashedly enjoyed it.

“It’s a little cheesy for my tastes,” Jinyoung shrugged. “I’m a realist, I don’t get off on faux promises of holiday cheer.”

“Interesting,” Kang-joon smirked, hand snaking down to grip Jinyoung’s hip firmly, nose nuzzling into the side of his head. “What _do_ you get off on?”

“Handsome men who respect my opinions,” Jinyoung laughed, the joke a little too honest. “We should leave now if we don’t want to be late.”

After kissing Kang-joon’s lips softly, Jinyoung let go, getting his coat on while his boyfriend did the same, grabbing their gifts and heading outside, a mental pep talk already circling in his head.

_If he’s there, don’t freak out. Don’t act like you usually do. For the love of god, just be normal._

 

 

“Well, don’t you look handsome tonight,” Jackson answered the door with a huge smile, pulling Jinyoung into a tight squeeze before letting go and moving his attention to the man to his right. “Kang-joon! How have you been? Treating our _Jinyoungie_ right?”

“Jackson, please let us inside,” Jinyoung whined, fingertips frozen from the drop in temperature outside. “That’s what you do at a dinner party, you let us in.”

“Oh! Right, right,” Jackson moved to the side, giggling as he offered his arm out after shutting the door. “I’ll take your coats, Mark is in the kitchen with drinks and snacks.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung smiled, handing his coat over after Kang-joon did the same, turning to follow him to the kitchen, the blond quickly grabbing his upper arm before he could completely walk away.

“ _Jinyoung_ ,” Jackson whispered harshly, Jinyoung looking around to ensure that Kang-joon had continued on his way without noticing his friend’s obvious actions. “I have to tell you. Jaebum will be here.”

“Okay?” Jinyoung offered a puzzled look, playing up his cluelessness. “And you’re telling me… why?”

“Well, I mean…,” Jackson rubbed the back of his neck nervously, sighing. “You know why. I’m trying to be a good friend.”

Jinyoung softened at the brief explanation Jackson offered, knowing he was only trying to help where he could. Thinking back to how close he and Jackson had grown after Jaebum and Mark had graduated, he understood that Jackson only had his best intentions in mind, the boy knowing how dramatic Jinyoung could be. If anything, it was the right thing to do, Jinyoung realizing how traumatic it would be to see Jaebum walk in without warning, knowing he would have yelled at Mark or Jackson for not warning him to begin with. It was a tough choice, but Jackson made the right one.

“Thank you,” Jinyoung smiled softly before walking alongside Jackson to the kitchen where Kang-joon had found Mark, other various friends talking amongst themselves in the pair’s open living space. Without even asking, Kang-joon handed him a wine glass that was barely full enough for Jinyoung’s liking, but he accepted it anyway, appreciating the little things Kang-joon always seemed to do to show that he cared, even a tiny bit. Taking a sip, Jinyoung leaned into the kitchen island, tuning in and out of the conversation Mark was leading with his boyfriend, the two chatting vividly about a notorious family that always seemed to choose both of their services and was a total pain to work with - but always made up for how much they paid for their efforts.

Zoning out in his own little world, Jinyoung couldn’t help but feel a little bored. The room was getting crowded as all of their guests arrived, talking in small groups and enjoying the few drinks Mark was serving. Some instrumental holiday music was playing in the background, barely loud enough to hear over the chatter, giving a bit of a merry atmosphere to match the tastefully decorated home. While Jinyoung used to love parties and free alcohol, something like this wasn’t entirely his style, wishing Mark could slip him a few shots under the table without anyone noticing or loosen up the playlist with some raunchy throwback hits. Jinyoung suddenly felt his age catching up to him, that tired feeling of growing up too fast encasing his thoughts, reminding him that he was no longer barely twenty and immune from the problems “real life” presented. If this was 25 and unemployed, he didn’t want to see 30 or 40, knowing how dreary and miserable life must continue to degrade to.

Just as he was falling into a trap of bad vibes, the worst variable of all made an entrance, Jinyoung not even bothering to turn his head as he felt the footsteps approaching him. He knew it was Jaebum based on the shift in Mark’s energy as he continued to talk to Kang-joon, the way he could smell a faint hint of cinnamon and clove in the air, the way it suddenly felt stuffy and hard to breathe. It had been a month since they were together and Jinyoung’s brain went into a slight panic as Jaebum brushed past him to get a drink being offered generously by Mark, Jinyoung immediately grabbing onto Kang-joon’s arm for some stabilization and mental support. Suddenly thankful for Jackson’s earlier warning, Jinyoung smiled sheepishly at his boyfriend as he righted his posture, still clinging on a little tighter than usual. Kang-joon didn’t seem to mind, laughing at Jinyoung’s burst of clumsiness, placing his hand on the small of Jinyoung’s back as he relaxed.

“You okay?” Kang-joon smiled, Jinyoung wishing he could honestly answer that question without regressing on all of the progress he thought he had made the last four weeks.

“Totally,” Jinyoung offered a tiny grin, clearing his throat as he felt Jaebum and Youngjae leave their specific area of the kitchen, Jackson leading them to talk by the dining room. “Already feeling the wine, I guess.”

“You? Tipsy already?” Kang-joon laughed, shaking his head. “I didn’t know you were suddenly a lightweight.”

“Well it’s just…,” Jinyoung’s mind scrambled to find a better excuse, looking over Kang-joon’s shoulder as he watched Youngjae laugh at something Jaebum had said, definitely overreacting to how funny it probably was. “We haven’t eaten yet, empty stomach. You know how it is.”

“Now that makes sense,” Kang-joon nodded, somehow accepting the slight adjustment to Jinyoung’s fib. “Mark, how much longer until dinner?”

“Any second now,” Mark smiled tightly, looking over at Jinyoung knowingly. “Jackson seems preoccupied with the guests. Would you mind helping me, Jinyoung?”

Watching as Mark attempted to communicate with him only via his pointed gaze, Jinyoung smiled and nodded, following him over to where everything was finishing up cooking either on the stove or in the oven. Mark instructed him to do a few simple tasks, but Jinyoung knew what his intentions really were, checking to see if Kang-joon was out of earshot before speaking further.

“I was fine,” Jinyoung stated, stirring a pot that Mark had pointed to. “I didn’t need to be bailed out.”

“Could have fooled me,” Mark scoffed, shaking his head. “Jackson warned you, didn’t he? So why did you look like you saw a ghost as soon as Jaebum took a step inside the house?”

“I didn’t look like that,” Jinyoung mumbled, continuing to stir even though it was absolutely unnecessary. “I had too much to drink on an empty stomach.”

“Your boyfriend didn’t even fill the glass half as much as you normally do,” Mark shot Jinyoung a look, grinning too mischievously for a 26 year-old married man. “Did you lose your high tolerance or something?”

“If this is all you needed from me, I’ll be waiting for it all to be done with my _boyfriend_ ,” Jinyoung emphasized, tossing the spoon on the counter carelessly, just for a hint of dramatics. “I’m trying to behave tonight, okay? You brought this on yourself by inviting both of us.”

“It’s just that you both got along so well at the wedding...,” Mark looked over at him and Jinyoung shifted his gaze to the floor, running the toe of his oxfords along the grouting between tiles. “Are you sure nothing happened to make things worse?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jinyoung said, voice empty and heart aching for a fleeting moment before he forced a smile back onto his face. “Like I said, I’ll be with Kang-joon.”

“Your boyfriend?” Mark teased, smiling as he watched Jinyoung leave.

“My boyfriend,” Jinyoung confirmed, shaking his head with a smile as he snuck an entire bottle of wine back to where he originally was stationed.

 

 

After Mark made sure the meal was ready, Jackson called the guests, everyone finding their assigned seats at the table. Feeling thankful that his friends at least had the common sense to place Jaebum at the opposite end of the table, Jinyoung happily poured himself something more to drink from his now-personal bottle of chardonnay. The food was delicious and Jinyoung was genuinely enjoying the time with everyone, even if he preferred cozy nights in alone or with one specific person in mind. It wasn’t that he disliked interacting with other people or sharing his time with them, but rather the fact that he found himself continuously looking down to a specific seat, never catching Jaebum’s eye. It was the complete opposite of the wedding where their stares were always intercepting, weird gazes and longing expressions; there at dinner, Jinyoung seemed to be the one still stuck back in his own hole, Jaebum clearly having already gotten what he had wanted out of him.

It was a sour thought that dampened his mood even more, Jinyoung wishing even for one look to turn the tables or feel a tiny victory. But through salads, main courses and even dessert, Jaebum didn’t offer even a sliver of his attention to help the cause, Jinyoung foolishly annoyed with himself for wanting it so badly. With Kang-joon’s hand resting comfortably on his thigh, he tried to not think about it being Jaebum’s, the size too big to be his anyway. This was his new life and new romantic interest, so why was he still so hung up on someone who had hurt him countless times, sometimes on purpose and others by complete chance? Jinyoung reminded himself mentally that he _should_ be mad, that he _should_ hate Jaebum with every fiber of his being. He _should not_ have been imagining how much more fun the party would have been if he and Jaebum were still together, he _should not_ have been wondering if Jaebum had even considered apologizing to him at some point that evening and he definitely _should not_ have chosen to purchase a similar tie to the one he wore to the wedding, just in case it somehow captured Jaebum’s attention like it did back in Hawaii.

Jinyoung was in love with the Jaebum he thought he knew, not the one that had miraculously reappeared the night of the bachelor parties, stating that he was coming back for good. The Jaebum he knew and fell in love with was patient, funny and warm, always knowing what to say to get Jinyoung to open up and feel relaxed and comfortable. He still knew how to push Jinyoung’s buttons and they would constantly argue over petty decisions, but afterwards it always went back to normal, their dynamic tough to match. But the man who had replaced him, the New Jaebum, was only a shell of that ideal image. No longer patient and kind, Jaebum was callous and demanding, a terrible listener and uncaring of what happened between them. Watching as Jaebum laughed and spoke with everyone surrounding him, Jinyoung wondered if that change was only with him, Youngjae then getting the privilege to know the side he once did. What did Jinyoung ever do to deserve such treatment? How did he get sucked back in so quickly when he used to fight Jaebum at every step.

_Why couldn’t you say no? Just one more time?_

“Hogging that bottle all to yourself?” Kang-joon joked, bringing Jinyoung back to reality. “I know you’re hiding one under the chair, Jinyoung. Why not share?”

“Sure,” Jinyoung smiled softly as he reached down, bringing it up and filling Kang-joon’s glass, topping his off even more before taking one very long sip.

 

 

After they finished their meals, Jackson and Mark encouraged everyone to continue drinking and snacking in the living room by the tree, everyone’s gifts already placed under it for the game that would be happening soon. Feeling a bit lightheaded from his churning thoughts (and a little from the endless stream of wine he had provided himself), Jinyoung excused himself from Kang-joon, letting him know he was heading to the restroom and would be right back. Following the familiar path down the hall and around the corner to Mark and Jackson’s guest bathroom, Jinyoung turned the doorknob and stepped inside, starting to turn around to shut and lock the door until he was suddenly no longer alone, another body rushing inside immediately and closing the door himself. Looking up, Jinyoung didn’t know if should have been surprised to see Jaebum standing there, looking like a deer in headlights, eyes wide and back pressed against the door. No matter if he expected it or not, Jinyoung felt his blood immediately begin to simmer, narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms against his chest.

The silence was deafening. Jinyoung stared straight ahead at the door, looking just over Jaebum’s shoulder so he didn’t have to look him in the eye. Jaebum seemed nervous, hands awkwardly shoved into his front pockets as he looked down, either waiting for the right words or waiting for Jinyoung to make the first move. Always a fan of holding power in the conversation, Jinyoung took a moment to organize his thoughts, planning each individual jab he wanted to unleash onto Jaebum, dusting off the list he had resumed mentally writing after they hooked up at the wedding. It was long and messy, littered with nonsensical insults and sob stories, but wasn’t that what Jaebum wanted? Didn’t he want a reaction from him?

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jinyoung asked in a hushed tone, words a bit frantic. “Who said I wanted to talk to you? Don’t you know what this looks like? You better fucking hope no one notices...”

“I’ll take the blame no matter what,” Jaebum replied, sighing as he kept his voice low. “But I had to talk to you. I’m going crazy…”

“Good!” Jinyoung let a laugh slip as he shook his head, biting his lip as his less-sober self took the reigns. “Now you know how I felt for two fucking years. Fun, isn’t it?”

“You say that like I didn’t hurt at all during that time,” Jaebum argued right back, his surprised and longing expression turning into anger and frustration. “That’s not even why I followed you in here!”

“Then why did you?” Jinyoung spat, closing the gap between them, getting right in Jaebum’s face. “What, did you think I was going to let you in for round two? Is a bathroom fancy enough for the sequel to whatever shit you pulled on me in Hawaii? You know what? Why not. Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll slip on the tile, hit your head on the sink and finally have some sense knocked back into you.”

“Jinyoung, _please_ ,” Jaebum whined, visibly deflating from the rant Jinyoung just finished. “I didn’t… I didn’t come in here for that. I followed you… to apologize. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Jinyoung let out another short laugh, unable to believe that Jaebum was choosing that setting for his grand gesture of an apology.

“For what happened,” Jaebum danced around saying the exact act, Jinyoung rolling his eyes at his cowardice. “I deserve whatever you said. It was my fault, I shouldn’t have shown up at your door.”

“No shit,” Jinyoung deadpanned, taking a deep breath before clicking into his rant mode. “Want a medal or something for recognizing what any normal person with feelings would? In fact, did you go back to your room that night and get in bed with your boyfriend who had no idea what happened right before it? Speaking of said boyfriend, did you even tell him what you did? Obviously not because he’s still here with you and neither Mark nor Jackson know what happened. What are you going to do when someone inevitably finds out? How did you find a way to hurt me even worse than before?”

The last question slipped out before Jinyoung could stop himself, cursing under his breath that he let a hint of personal emotions show. A bathroom wasn’t the best place to have the conversation, Jinyoung hating being trapped in such a small space without an escape route, forced to listen to the rough pattern of breathing each of them had fallen into. If Jaebum had been going crazy thinking about the entire situation, why hadn’t he done anything about it? Why was he telling Jinyoung like he would have all of the answers? Did he think Jinyoung cared?

_You do. Even if it’s just a little._

“God, Jaebum,” Jinyoung rubbed his face with his hands, sighing in frustration. “What the fuck happened to you?”

It was the question that had been on his mind all night and Jinyoung had worked up enough nerve to finally ask, watching as Jaebum’s expression faded into something unreadable, something so foreign to Jinyoung that he didn’t have a clue what it could mean. Did Jaebum think he hadn’t changed at all during their time apart? Were all of his actions always possible during any point in their relationship, just waiting for a weak point to come out? Would Jaebum ever be completely honest with him again? Could Jinyoung ever trust the person he had become if they ever did forgive each other? They were separate people with different lives, no longer one unit, never associated with one another by friends and family. Did it really matter if Jaebum continued to ruin his whole life if he would take responsibility for the destruction?

Finally, Jaebum regained a bit of color to his face, adjusting his posture and moving from the door. Jinyoung flinched a bit as he moved to turn the doorknob as if he were about to leave, Jaebum pausing without looking back as he spoke one final time.

“We should get back,” Jaebum said simply, voice hollow. “It’s almost time to open the gifts. I don’t want you to miss out.”

Before Jinyoung could question what that odd bit of information meant, Jaebum was gone, leaving him all alone in the bathroom like he originally intended to be. Staring at himself in the mirror above the sink, Jinyoung splashed some cool water on himself to calm down, patting it dry before closing his eyes and counting to ten. An argument with Jaebum wasn’t what he wanted or needed, trying his best to behave and act completely natural around his friends and Kang-joon.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Jinyoung practically gasped, remembering how long it had been since he had left, rushing up to finish in the restroom before returning back to the main room. His panic was short-lived as everyone seemed to be cheerful and slightly drunk, talking and enjoying the Christmas spirit together. Seeing Kang-joon with Mark and Jackson, Jinyoung knew they probably had some sort of idea of what had happened, making a quick mental note to thank them eventually for covering for him in his absence. As he slid back next to Kang-joon, the older boy wrapped his arm around his waist and squeezed gently, Jinyoung relaxing into his touch willingly. Looking around to see if Jaebum had made it back undetected, Jinyoung found him speaking softly with Youngjae in the corner, their eyes finally meeting just as they had been during the wedding. Taking a moment to offer a taste of his own medicine, Jinyoung broke their connected gaze, turning to Kang-joon and kissing him deeply as Mark and Jackson argued over what should be considered the best Christmas movie of all time. Kang-joon, while surprised, seemed to melt against his lips quickly, Jinyoung opening his eyes to peer over Kang-joon’s shoulder to witness Jaebum still staring in his direction. Smirking into the kiss, Jinyoung held the side of Kang-joon’s face before pulling away, smiling brightly as his eye crinkles came out in full force.

“That’s for being a great date tonight,” Jinyoung smiled. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Kang-joon replied, moving his hand down to lace his fingers with Jinyoung’s, the younger boy ignoring the way his instincts wanted him to only connect their pinkies.

 

 

The group was sufficiently buzzed and relaxed, Jackson gathering everyone up to start the game. After each person had selected a number, they took turns selecting and stealing gifts, the presents ranging from fun and innocent to playful and kinky, Jackson swearing he wasn’t the one who brought the fuzzy handcuffs. Kang-joon had an earlier number and unwrapped a set of artisanal coffee, already telling Jinyoung he would brew it the next time he would spend the night. Jinyoung smiled at the gesture, enjoying how Kang-joon always had him in mind, wanting to make everything about him, even if it was just a silly set of roasted coffee beans. A few numbers later, Jinyoung was up, the boy taking a few steps closer to the remaining gifts to select what he considered the best one. There were gift bags of all different sizes, some boxes and even a couple envelopes. But it was as if fate was making itself known that night, Jinyoung seemingly only having eyes for one pristinely wrapped gift, finished off with a perfectly tied handmade bow. He knew it was Jaebum’s work as he had received many items like the one in front of him, all similarly presented with a level of care and thought that Jinyoung hadn’t seen from anyone else in his life. Most people understood that a gift was meant to be opened; it could be beautifully wrapped, but at the end of the day, it was a waste of paper and effort, all to be thrown away in the trash. Nevertheless, Jinyoung’s hands hesitated before he grabbed the package, bringing it back to his original place before beginning to unwrap it, Kang-joon looking over as he did so, smiling big once Jinyoung had tore off most of the paper.

“Oh my god, that’s so cool,” Kang-joon smiled, looking at the box as Jinyoung slipped into a speechless void. “A grow-your-own cactus kit? That’s perfect for you, Jinyoung. You’re _just_ like a cactus.”

 

_“I remind you of a cactus? This is me? Because I’m a prick or something?”_

_“No! It’s like… you’re all… thorny and threatening on the outside, but you still need to be cared for. Beyond all that, you’re soft and delicate. You’re trying to live and make it through life just like all the other plants.”_

 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung mumbled quietly as he trailed his fingers along the edges of the package, looking up slowly to witness Jaebum observing him as he was taking a sip from his glass of wine, eyes narrow and knowing. “I’m a cactus.”

 

 

Spending the rest of the party nearly mute, Jinyoung sighed in relief when Kang-joon asked if he wanted to head out before Jaebum had the chance to, saying their goodbyes to Mark and Jackson who wished them a good night, Mark hugging Jinyoung a little tighter than he usually did. Jinyoung knew that Mark had been watching him and Jaebum all night, observing and taking notes for the next time they would speak, but in that moment he let Jinyoung go, knowing it was best for him to go home and have some time to himself. Once back in the car, Jinyoung slid into the passenger seat, letting Kang-joon drive home, only moving to switch the radio to a new station every other song, seemingly unhappy with every DJ’s playlist selections.

“You okay?” Kang-joon asked, honestly worried and oblivious to anything that Jinyoung was going through. “You look exhausted.”

“I am,” Jinyoung sighed. “I drank too much wine. I forget that it makes me sleepy.”

“Are you sure you aren’t sick?” Kang-joon inquired sincerely, glancing over in Jinyoung’s direction. “You’ve been a little off all night.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jinyoung tried to smile, settling for a sigh instead. “I hope you don’t mind just dropping me off… I should sleep this off.”

“Of course,” Kang-joon nodded and smiled, patting Jinyoung’s thigh gently as he pulled into Jinyoung’s apartment complex. “I don’t mind at all. We’ll do something tomorrow or the day after.”

Jinyoung nodded and placed his hand on top of Kang-joon’s, figuring the little bit of contact would make up for his slightly odd behavior all night. As the car rolled to a stop, Jinyoung squeezed his hand gently, leaning over and offering a soft kiss before unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping out of the car, the gift from Jaebum tucked under his arm. After wishing Kang-joon a good night and shutting the door, Jinyoung made his way back up to his empty apartment, tossing his keys onto the table and heading straight for his bedroom, collapsing back on the bed. With the package still in his hands, Jinyoung took another look at the box, hating that Jaebum knew exactly what Jinyoung would do during the exchange.

Of all the gifts he had ever received from Jaebum, the cactus on their first date was always his favorite. He knew that Jaebum had put little thought into the reasoning, but that made Jinyoung love it even more, thinking of how flustered Jaebum must have been at the florist once he realized just who he was about to go on a date with. Feeling a faint smile on his lips, Jinyoung thought back to the day after the bachelor parties when he woke up in their old bed, falling into a weird routine that he hadn’t been a part of in years. When he was in the kitchen that morning, Jinyoung swore he saw the cactus - his cactus, no, their cactus. Maybe it had been blind hope or wishful thinking, but he knew it had to be alive, even if he was the one who threw it away to begin with. If anyone would save something as silly as a plant that only cost a few dollars, it would be Jaebum, the boy with a heart of gold who helped Jinyoung grow, falling in love with him too quickly, a little reckless and free.

 

_“You act like I don’t basically live there."_

_“Well, maybe someday… there’s plenty of room for your stuff. You can keep the cactus on the windowsill in the kitchen.”_

_“Don’t get too ahead of yourself. It’s still eight months away. I might kill it before that even happens.”_

_“The offer will still stand. Cactus or not.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a thoughtful gift Jaebum picked out for the exchange :) looks like Jinyoung will have to wait to get Jaebum to open up again...
> 
> I guess my question this week is... what would you do if you're Jinyoung? Do you agree that Jaebum has changed based on what we learned last chapter? And what do you think Jaebum is up to with picking out that specific gift knowing Jinyoung would most likely choose it?
> 
> Thanks so much for reading... all your comments here and on twitter/tumblr/cc... thank you thank you thank you. I can't say it enough.
> 
> twitter + tumblr: link in profile~


	11. Chapter 11

“I got it,” Jinyoung laughed excitedly, walking away from the tall office building where he had finished his final interview. “I got the job!”

“Oh my god! Congratulations, babe!” Kang-joon replied on the other end of the phone, Jinyoung smiling ear to ear as he pressed the device against his cheek. “I knew you were going to crush it.”

“Well, you did kind of help this all happen,” Jinyoung grinned, fishing the keys out of his pocket as he approached the parking lot nearby. “Thanks for helping me start my job search.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Kang-joon chuckled. “Get your ass over here, we have to celebrate.”

“Ah, so demanding,” Jinyoung giggled as he unlocked the door, sliding into his seat. “I’ll be there in twenty.”

“See you,” Kang-joon replied, Jinyoung saying a quick goodbye before hanging up and tossing his phone in the seat next to him, taking a deep breath and sighing happily.

After what seemed like a million applications that led to a series of three important interviews, Jinyoung was finally employed again. Not only was his job a major step up from the one he was let go from weeks ago, it was finally close to what he had worked so hard for in school and wanted to do from the start. Instead of waiting around for something better, Jinyoung had taken control of the situation and made the most out of a bad thing, already on a clear path to exactly what he needed. Outside of the obvious benefits, the position paid well and after six months, Jinyoung would be eligible for their scholarship program to head back to school to get the remaining courses completed to become a pathologist himself. While he was happy that he had this opportunity, Jinyoung couldn’t help but want to kick himself for being so stubborn and lazy for years, knowing this could have been his reality a lot sooner if he had applied himself more.

As he drove the route to Kang-joon’s place, Jinyoung glanced over at his phone resting on the passenger seat, trying his best to ignore the itch to call someone else. He remembered receiving his last job offer over the phone as he kept his head in Jaebum’s lap, both of them enjoying some downtime on their day off. As soon as Jinyoung accepted and hung up, Jaebum had showered him in kisses from head to toe, congratulating him in every way possible, from his words and kisses all the way into the bedroom, even letting Jinyoung do whatever he wanted. It was a bittersweet memory for him as he hesitated at the wrong exit, nearly doing the same thing he did after he was fired, his mind on autopilot as it tried to make him drive straight to Jaebum’s place. But he had grown since then, staying on track to Kang-joon’s, ready to see his boyfriend of over a month.

After arriving, Jinyoung parked his car and got out, already spotting Kang-joon waiting for him outside of the lobby. With a genuine smile spreading across his face, Jinyoung quickly walked over, accepting the warm embrace Kang-joon offered as he immediately met him on the sidewalk. While he was still adjusting to his relationship with the other man, Jinyoung felt thankful for his never-ending sincerity, something he himself lacked and could never understand how easily it came to others.

“I’m so proud of you,” Kang-joon mumbled into his shoulder. “I knew you could do it.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung smiled, pulling away a bit. “I’m proud of myself, too. It’s been a long time since I could say that.”

“Really?” Kang-joon looked shocked at the admission, hand now rubbing Jinyoung’s side. “Well, I’m glad you can say it now. You have so much potential, Jinyoung. Now, you can live up to it.”

It was another shock to his system, Kang-joon somehow always finding exact words and phrases Jaebum explicitly used without even knowing. While he knew his boyfriend meant well, all Jinyoung could think about was the argument he had with Jaebum the first time he arrived back after they had broken up. While Jinyoung was furious, he never expected Jaebum to unleash such a nasty comeback, shaking his confidence and pushing him to a breaking point he never wanted to feel. Jinyoung knew he could do anything he set his mind to and he thought Jaebum knew as well, but hearing it in such a reassuring tone from Kang-joon made him feel like he was living in an alternate universe. Instead of using his lack of drive against him, his current boyfriend phrased it in the most supporting way, wanting to keep uplifting Jinyoung until he could see how great he was himself.

_Don’t let it go to your head, got it?_

“Why don’t we go grab some dinner?” Kang-joon interrupted his train of thought, patting his shoulder gently. “You’re already all dressed up, so let me take you somewhere nice.”

“Can I pick out what you get to wear?” Jinyoung smiled, noticing that Kang-joon would have to change into something a bit less casual than his black joggers and crewneck sweatshirt. “You never let me dress you.”

“Don’t you think I’m doing that on purpose?” Kang-joon laughed, turning and leading them both inside, Jinyoung feeling like he didn’t deserve the other man (and his blind kindness) one bit.

 

 

After picking out a tasteful outfit for Kang-joon, Jinyoung felt pleased with himself, loving how the other man always seemed to let him get his way. The pair made their way back down the stairs and out to Kang-joon’s car, Jinyoung happy to sit in the passenger seat as the other drove them to a surprise restaurant. Unlike the other night after the Christmas party, Jinyoung felt alive and bubbly, continuing to make conversation and laugh at every joke they made together. It finally felt like everything was coming together; Jinyoung had a new job, a new boyfriend and what seemed to be a new outlook on life. Sure, there were still some skeletons in the closet, a thousand feelings swept under the rug, but why should he have dwelled on the past so much? Why couldn’t he enjoy his life without thinking of Jaebum, even a little bit?

“You know, you’ll be closer to me when you’re working,” Kang-joon smiled, hands both on the steering wheel. “You can come after work whenever you want.”

“That sounds nice,” Jinyoung replied, looking over. “Will you have dinner waiting for me?”

“Who says I’m cooking for you?” Kang-joon giggled. “Maybe you could try cooking for me for once.”

“I don’t know…,” Jinyoung smiled. “How do you know if I’m even good at it?”

“I have faith in you,” Kang-joon laughed. “I hope I’m not wrong.”

Just as Jinyoung was thinking of his next witty comeback, Kang-joon pulled up to their destination, choosing to use the valet service. He had hardly been paying attention to where Kang-joon was taking him, so it was no surprise that his heart dropped deep into his chest when he looked up and noticed the destination. His boyfriend had taken him to the same restaurant Jaebum picked for their first date over five years ago, the similar weather making Jinyoung check his pockets for his gloves which were nowhere to be found. As Kang-joon exited the car, Jinyoung did the same in a slightly shocked panic, the weird bubble of sickness he felt years ago when he realized he was in love surfacing at the worst possible time. Nearly tripping over the curb and into the valet booth, Kang-joon was quick on his feet to keep Jinyoung mostly upright, looking a bit concerned.

“You okay?” Kang-joon looked down at Jinyoung’s face, stroking his cheek gently. “You’ve been having moments like this a lot recently…”

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung mumbled, sighing as he adjusted his coat. “Let’s go in.”

With a nod, Kang-joon led the way, Jinyoung keeping his hands firmly in his coat pockets as he looked back over his shoulder, never quite able to forget the sidewalk where he first held Jaebum’s hand, a tiny step that led to so much more.

 

 

Forgetting what it was like to have a normal schedule, Jinyoung had difficulty adjusting to the routine of a 9-to-5, struggling to wake up early and barely making it into the office on time. The first week went by quickly, Jinyoung able to stay on top of the heavier workload as he studied the materials and made new acquaintances with everyone in the department. Without his favorite seasonal coffee, he wouldn’t have made it through, too nervous and exhausted to get everything right the first try. But like Kang-joon, the staff was enthusiastic and supportive, letting him settle in on his own time. By the second week, Jinyoung had nearly mastered the art of going to bed early and waking up before his alarm even sounded, hopping in the shower just as it began to chime.

Just as Kang-joon had mentioned, Jinyoung was closer to his apartment and did stop by frequently after work, even earning his own personal drawer in his wooden dresser. It was tiny and Jinyoung couldn’t help but compare it to the fact that Jaebum let him put his things anywhere he liked even before officially moving in, but it was still a sign that they were moving in the right direction, Jinyoung doing his best to not relapse into the awkward behavior he had displayed at the dinner party and later on at his celebratory night out. If Kang-joon had noticed any changes, he didn’t mention them, preferring to shower Jinyoung with his undivided attention, slowly becoming more and more affectionate as time went on. Being older meant that Jinyoung kept more to himself, but that didn’t stop him from mentally gushing over how good Kang-joon was at everything, including anything that involved lube, a condom and being completely naked.

Somewhere between starting his new job and finishing out the year, Jinyoung celebrated Christmas at home with his family, Kang-joon tagging along thanks to an invitation from Jinyoung’s mother. However, when they arrived, Jinyoung didn’t offer up the grand tour, letting his family interrogate him instead, somehow uncomfortable with the idea of having Kang-joon in his childhood bedroom. Even though they were official and somewhat serious, Jinyoung wasn’t ready to show that side to himself yet, content with watching his mother point out embarrassing photos along the mantle. After leaving his parents house, Jinyoung invited Kang-joon back to his apartment for their own personal gift exchange, presenting his boyfriend with a practical new set of cutlery for the kitchen he had been using a lot more recently while receiving a set of planners and journals with an array of colored pens and pencils for his own personal use.

“You seem to have a lot going on up there,” Kang-joon playfully tapped the side of Jinyoung’s head, giggling softly as the younger boy pretended to wince in pain. “The planner is for work, but maybe you could get some of your thoughts out on this paper. It might help your stress.”

“My stress?” Jinyoung asked, furrowing his brows as he looked at the other man. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I guess… those moments where you kind of zone out,” Kang-joon began, Jinyoung already figuring out where it was all going. “You seem to float off into your own little world sometimes and never want to talk about it. I’m just giving you an option to get it off your chest.”

_You mean the times when you can’t get you-know-who off your mind? Guess you were more obvious than you thought._

“Thanks,” Jinyoung smiled softly, leaning over and kissing Kang-joon’s cheek. “I think it will help.”

“You’re welcome,” Kang-joon smiled as he always did, giving no indication that he had any more thoughts on the matter. “How about we make some cocoa and watch a movie? Your couch is perfect to cuddle on.”

Jinyoung nodded and stood up, heading to his kitchen to warm some milk as Kang-joon flipped through the hundreds of options on his television. Grabbing the carton from the refrigerator, Jinyoung poured some into a small saucepan and turned the heat on low as he searched for the chocolate mix, opening up the cabinet near the sink only to have something new catch his eye.

After the dinner party weeks ago, Jinyoung couldn’t sleep, only able to stare at the box Jaebum had gifted him for one reason or another. The first explanation Jinyoung decided on was that Jaebum wanted to hold the power over him again, reminding Jinyoung that he always had the upperhand and knew him better than he could ever know himself. However, Jinyoung let himself have a little bit of hope, figuring the only other answer could be that Jaebum wanted to show him some sort of sign that his heart was still in the right place. Obviously, it was the wrong time, Jaebum with Youngjae and Jinyoung happy with Kang-joon, but if it was the first step to a real discussion and apology someday, Jinyoung would hope to believe it. Staring at the tiny plant on the windowsill only made his heart ache again, focusing his attention back on the stove, ready to have a cozy night in with his current beau.

 

 

New Year’s Eve felt like more of the same, Kang-joon inviting Jinyoung to some over-the-top party at a hotel downtown that he had received an exclusive invite for based on his work with some of the biggest names in the city. Dressed in their best formal wear (Jinyoung omitting any kind of string tie at all), they spent the night eating and drinking into a state of comfortable bliss, enjoying each other’s company and not thinking about much else. The journal had come in handy for Jinyoung, expressing his thoughts candidly without a second thought, leaving his mind to regain some of its freedom to live a little. Blissfully unaware of Jinyoung’s real cause of his “stress,” Kang-joon preferred to never let go of his boyfriend all night, keeping Jinyoung close as the countdown began. As the numbers went from double-digits down to zero, Jinyoung sighed in relief as a pair of lips crashed onto his own, holding onto Kang-joon’s sides like he meant it, shooing the one last remaining pesky thought of Jaebum from the dusty corners of his mind.

 

 

Jaebum’s birthday passed without a peep, Jinyoung neck deep in new responsibilities and things to do, keeping his focus where he needed it most. His career was suddenly the most important thing in his life, even more important than Kang-joon, the longer hours and heavier workload not feeling as tiring as his old job always did. There was always something new to learn and observe, Jinyoung picking up on everything so quickly, already winning over the hearts of everyone in the office. In his journal he had been keeping ever since receiving it on Christmas day, Jinyoung kept a countdown of how many weeks it would be until he could qualify for the education program, looking forward to doing more than just assisting the people who were really making a difference in their clients’ lives. If he could have gone back in time and told this to himself five years ago, the old Jinyoung would have doubled over in laughter, unconvinced that he would ever find himself back in school. But things change and priorities shift, the current Jinyoung really trying to make something of himself with all of the potential people actually saw inside of him.

 

 

One morning on his Saturday off, Jinyoung answered an incoming call from Jackson, surprised to see his name lighting up the screen. It wasn’t like they spent much time together now that he and Mark were married, but he was still one of Jinyoung’s closest friends and a conversation over the phone with Jackson was always interesting.

“Hey,” Jinyoung sat back into the corner of his couch, sipping from his mug of coffee. “May I ask why you are calling so early?”

“Jinyoung!” Jackson practically shouted, a small giggle following. “Please tell me you’re free today? Pleeeeeeease?”

“What, why?” Jinyoung laughed quietly. “I am, it’s my day off. But why are you already begging me?”

“Because we’re going to hang out,” Jackson declared. “We haven’t in so long! I think it’s been years, Jinyoung. Years! Can you believe that?”

“Honestly? Yes,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “So, what are we going to do? Is Mark coming along?”

“Nope, he’s working,” Jackson sighed. “Trust me, I really wish he could come with us. It’s always better when he’s around, you know?”

“I guess,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes before drinking some more. “But... back to what we’re going to do?”

“Oh,” Jackson mumbled something unintelligible to Jinyoung before replying, “I’d like to go shopping with you, then have lunch? If that’s okay with you.”

“That’s great,” Jinyoung checked the time on his phone before placing it back to his ear. “What time are you picking me up?”

“I can be there in less than fifteen minutes!” Jackson rushed, sounding like he was already hurrying to get his coat and shoes on, Jinyoung laughing to himself and shaking his head.

“How about at noon,” Jinyoung asked, hoping to stop Jackson before he was already in his car. “Is that okay?”

“That’s fine,” Jackson breathed out a sigh of relief. “I’ll see you at noon.”

“Great,” Jinyoung chuckled, amused by the other’s enthusiasm for what seemed like a simple day out. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye, Jinyoungie!” Jackson sang cheerfully before hanging up, Jinyoung still chuckling to himself by the welcome interruption to his otherwise peaceful morning. Figuring he should let Kang-joon know that he wouldn’t be available the rest of the day, he scrolled through his messages, selecting their conversation before beginning to type.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Hey - I’m going out with Jackson today so I won’t be able to do anything if you were thinking about it._

 

**Kang-joon**

_Tired of me already? :-P_

 

**Jinyoung**

_You know that’s not true…_

 

**Kang-joon**

_Just kidding babe ;) I’ll call you tonight_

 

**Jinyoung**

_Talk to you later xx_

  


A few hours and twelve honks of a car horn later, Jinyoung was on his way to the mall with Jackson, the blond already rambling away about some mean driver he had crossed paths with on his way over. It really had been a long time since the two of them spent time together without Mark around (or even when they were a unit of four, Jaebum fitting in perfectly to form their little group), Jinyoung instantly remembering how much time could pass from only listening to whatever came out of Jackson’s mouth. As the story approached the halfway point, Jackson pulled into a parking spot and paused speaking momentarily as he and Jinyoung both exited the car, resuming once he had ensured the doors were locked. Still amused by the rant, Jinyoung let Jackson continue until they both walked inside, the younger man turning and holding both of the other’s shoulders.

“Jackson,” Jinyoung smiled, looking down at him. “Let it go. We’re here and we can relax, okay?”

“I’m supposed to be the one telling you that,” Jackson pouted. “That was the whole point of this.”

“I need to relax?” Jinyoung inquired, arching one eyebrow in Jackson’s direction as they began to walk again. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“N-nothing,” Jackson grinned nervously, the shift from his usual energy easy to notice. “C’mon, there’s a new store here… we can buy each other something!”

With his arm looped around Jinyoung’s shoulders, Jackson led the way into the nearest department store, leaving Jinyoung feeling suspicious of the blond’s possible ulterior motives for their spontaneous shopping trip.

As expected, Jackson was full of his usual amount of energy, bouncing from store to store quickly, Jinyoung wondering if he even was looking at some of the items he was buying. Each one had a specific purpose (for himself, for ‘Yi-En,’ for the house) but none of it seemed that important to Jackson, carrying all of his bags on one arm as Jinyoung had yet to buy anything at all. Once inside of a men’s clothing store, Jackson pointed out a bag that caught Jinyoung’s eye, one that would replace the ratty old messenger bag he had been using since his previous job. As Jinyoung reached out to take it to the register, Jackson snatched it away, holding it to his chest.

“I’m getting this for you,” Jackson declared firmly. “I haven’t properly congratulated you on your new job yet!”

“That’s not necessary,” Jinyoung laughed shaking his head as he attempted to grab the bag for himself. “Seriously, Jackson. At least let me get you something, too?”

“For what?” Jackson asked, hugging the bag close. “You hanging out with me is enough of a gift, if I’m being honest.”

“You’re so… cheesy,” Jinyoung chuckled, shaking his head. “At least let me pay for lunch?”

“Whatever,” Jackson conceded, rolling his eyes as if the deal was anything but a bargain. “You’re so uptight, Jinyoung. How does Kang-joon put up with you?”

“Easily, I suppose,” Jinyoung smiled a little bittersweetly, thinking of all the times his friends would ask him the same about Jaebum. “It’s one of my many charms.”

“What is?” Jackson asked. “Being totally insufferable?”

As Jinyoung went to lunge at Jackson to put him in a headlock, the blond giggled and scampered away towards the register, Jinyoung laughing to himself in genuine amusement, feeling thankful that his friendships were never a casualty of his bad decisions and poor judgement.

 

 

After Jackson started showing signs of visible fatigue, Jinyoung suggested they stop for lunch, heading into one of the many restaurants the center offered. Tossing their bags into the corner of the booth, they sat across from each other, both ordering something to drink before cracking open their menus, a moment of silence falling between them for the first time all day. Jinyoung was happy to spend time with Jackson, their conversations always managing to crack him up or see things in a different perspective. To think that there was a time in his life where he didn’t know Jackson was amusing, remembering how many hours he listened to Mark’s incessant whining about “the one who got away.” Almost five and a half years later, Jinyoung never would have imagined he’d be spending his Saturday alone with said boy, a smile permanently on his face.

“So,” Jackson smiled after the waitress had taken their orders, sipping his iced tea. “I have a confession to make.”

“You do?” Jinyoung cocked an eyebrow, swirling his straw around in his glass. “What is it now? Is it about Mark? Do you love him more than you thought possible and you don’t know how to tell him? I would think he would understand…”

“It’s not that,” Jackson laughed quietly, shaking his head. “Even if it’s true.”

“What is it then?” Jinyoung was genuinely curious after watching Jackson’s behavior all day, wondering if he was hiding something. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”

“Jinyoung,” Jackson said a bit more serious, looking over the table with his big brown eyes. “Jaebum and Youngjae broke up.”

_Well, that’s certainly not what you were expecting, was it?_

“Oh,” Jinyoung looked down at his glass, praying that he wasn’t as transparent as he seemed. “That’s too bad.”

“He hadn’t spoken to me much since he moved back, you know,” Jackson continued, speaking in a soft voice Jinyoung had never heard him use before. “Outside of the wedding things, I didn’t know what was going on in his life. I only learned about Youngjae when I reminded him that he didn’t tell me if he was bringing anyone along. Even then, it was almost like pulling teeth… I know he can be difficult, but it felt different.”

“I see,” Jinyoung nodded, still silently hoping that Jackson knew well enough to not go too far with any of his observations.

“But when he called me the other day, it was like old times,” Jackson smiled a bit, almost in a nostalgic sense. “Jaebum explained all that was happening with his change of title at the company he’s working for, how he’s happy he’s back home because he missed it a lot. Travelling was really rough on him. He never was able to get a lot of sleep and he was always really lonely. I don’t know how he did it.”

“Look, Jackson,” Jinyoung interrupted, sighing as he tried to hold back his blatant annoyance. “As much as I would love to hear you fill me in on everything about my ex, I think there’s a million other things--”

“He cheated on Youngjae, you know,” Jackson’s eyes flickered over to Jinyoung’s, holding a stare a little too intense for his liking. “When he told me they broke up, it was because he confessed. I guess it was only one time, but it was enough for both of them to decide things weren’t going to work out.”

Jinyoung couldn’t breathe. Knowing that Jaebum had told Jackson that he had been unfaithful was like a kick to the stomach and a sucker punch to the face at the same time, Jinyoung feeling dizzy with anxiety and panic. Because Youngjae seemed so at ease during the Christmas party, Jinyoung had naturally assumed that Jaebum hadn’t told him anything and was never planning to, holding the dark secret forever in the back corners of his mind. On the other hand, Jinyoung wasn’t as surprised as he seemed, knowing that the Jaebum he knew would want to be honest and not keep things like that to waste someone’s time, ultimately making the right choice and be truthful to those he cared for. But to do so and then tell Jackson? Jinyoung felt the color drain from his face as he could only think of one question he wished he could ask.

“That’s terrible,” Jinyoung mumbled quietly. “That’s… not like him.”

“He didn’t say who it was with,” Jackson started straight ahead at Jinyoung, no sign of amusement written on his soft, knowing face. “I didn’t want to ask.”

“I wasn’t… that wasn’t what I was thinking about,” Jinyoung stumbled on his words, feeling caught in Jackson’s rare crosshairs, stunned by the way he was obviously being read by the blond. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now…”

“Fine,” Jackson took another sip, keeping his gaze firmly locked in place. “Let’s talk about Kang-joon, how is he?”

“Kang-joon is great, thanks,” Jinyoung rushed, finishing off the rest of the liquid in his glass, stopping the waitress as she walked past for a refill. “We’re actually going to do something special for Valentine’s Day and I can’t wait to celebrate it with him.”

“Since when do you care about Valentine’s Day?” Jackson finally broke his odd stare, giggling at the admission. “That doesn’t seem like something you’d be excited about.”

“He got us an amazing suite downtown for basically nothing,” Jinyoung managed a smile, hoping things would quickly return to normal. “I guess having connections all over town as a wedding planner _does_ have its perks.”

“That sounds nice,” Jackson grinned. “It’s really great that you met him at our wedding. Who would have guessed that night would have changed your life?”

Jinyoung tried to ignore the glance Jackson shot his way as their food arrived, preferring to stare back down at the plate in front of him, taking out his misery on something fried and filling.

 

 

Once they finished their meal and Jinyoung had successfully wrestled the check out of Jackson’s hands to pay, he arrived back home, offering a quick thank you to his friend before hurrying inside his apartment to have a proper mental breakdown. Tossing his bags on the floor and slamming the door shut, Jinyoung began to pace around, fingers twisting in his black locks as he analyzed the entire situation. Not only did Jaebum tell Youngjae, but he had told Jackson too, thankfully omitting Jinyoung’s name. Clearly, Jackson was more observant than he would have guessed, looking like he immediately knew who the other guilty party had to be. It was as if Jinyoung had the word ‘cheater’ scrawled across his forehead in bold black letters, his participation in the act inexcusable in every sense.

As more and more questions rose to the surface, Jinyoung pulled out his phone, opening up his messages and typing the number he knew by heart in the recipient field. A moment later, he was furiously typing a message without a second thought, too caught up in his panic to stop and think.

 

**Jinyoung**

_You told Jackson?_

 

It was three words that could start an endless argument, but Jinyoung had to get it off his chest, not having anyone he could speak to about these problems that would become even more of a burden as time went on. Luckily, his phone buzzed not even a minute later, Jinyoung’s eyes processing the reply.

 

**Jaebum**

_I did. I didn’t say it was you, though._

 

**Jinyoung**

_But he knows it’s me…_

 

**Jaebum**

_He’s smarter than he looks. I don’t know what to tell you._

 

Sighing and groaning in anguish, Jinyoung kicked one of his dining chairs, frustrated at Jaebum’s responses, wishing that he wasn’t acting so rational all of a sudden.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Why did you tell him what happened?_

 

**Jaebum**

_I’m just trying to fix the things that I can._

 

**Jinyoung**

_What is that supposed to mean? You know that means Mark knows, too._

 

**Jaebum**

_I figured he would eventually find out anyway. You didn’t tell him?_

 

**Jinyoung**

_Of course not! It wasn’t my story to tell._

 

**Jaebum**

_That’s never stopped you before…_

 

**Jaebum**

_If you wanted to argue with me, you could have just called._

 

Jinyoung felt the same unpleasant energy that always seemed to brew anytime an argument with Jaebum was about to blow up, but still reeling from the fact that his closest friends knew what had happened between he and Jaebum at the wedding, Jinyoung didn’t have it in him to pursue a fight of any kind.

 

**Jinyoung**

_That’s exactly what you would like me to do, isn’t it? Too bad._

 

It was almost like Jinyoung wanted to fight, but couldn’t admit it, so much pent-up aggression accumulating with no outlet to unleash it onto. With Kang-joon, Jinyoung never fought or argued, always taking what felt like a passive route, sometimes barely paying enough attention to know the bare minimum of what was happening between them. After being called out a few more times for “zoning out,” Jinyoung put a slightly higher percentage of effort in, hoping Kang-joon would be satisfied with the changes. It wasn’t like Kang-joon had changed him; Jinyoung simply didn’t have the same level of passion he shared with the man in his life before, wishing that what he had last texted might spark the argument from Jaebum’s end. Instead, Jinyoung’s phone buzzed one final time, a simple line of text leaving him unfulfilled and disappointed.

 

**Jaebum**

_I see. Have a nice day, Jinyoungie._

 

Just like that, Jinyoung had once again made himself too vulnerable to the wrong person, wishing he had the power just to tell Jaebum _no_ in the first place.

 

 

The first few days after learning that Jaebum had told Jackson about his unfaithful ways, Jinyoung spent most of his spare time dwelling on the fact that his friends probably guessed he had done _something_ with Jinyoung and it perhaps happened when everything seemed to be going well - the wedding in Hawaii. What Jinyoung slowly started to process after that initial wave of shock was the explicitly stated bit of information Jackson had originally led with: Jaebum was finally a single man. Not knowing how long he and Youngjae had been an item, Jinyoung wondered if Jaebum was saddened by the sudden turn of events, thinking of how heartbroken he must have felt, even if it was all his fault in the first place. Jinyoung also considered Youngjae for a fleeting moment, pondering if he was the one to initiate the split or if it was as mutual as Jaebum had tried to make it seem. Maybe Youngjae wasn’t that serious about Jaebum to begin with, clearly not wanting to try and work things out even after one unfaithful night from his significant other, the betrayal too tough to take. Trust was a vital part of any relationship; how would one regain it after such an act had been committed?

With that thought, Jinyoung naturally considered his own feelings towards the situation. Even if he was single and didn’t have the wonderful Kang-joon, would he take Jaebum back? Had too much happened since his return that would ruin any civil reunions in their future? If Jaebum had made the mistake of showing up to his hotel room one night, what would stop him from doing the same to Jinyoung? In his imagination, he’d like to think he would be the only one capable of stealing Jaebum’s heart, holding it hostage so that he could always have control, letting the older man beg for it back. But in reality, would it matter? Was Jinyoung different than anyone Jaebum had ever fallen for, even if their time together had outlasted others before (and now after)? Nothing that this new Jaebum had said or done had proven that, Jinyoung waiting for the moment to come when he could find a trace of evidence that yes, Jaebum hadn’t changed as much as Jinyoung assumed and yes, Jinyoung was different from the rest.

Weeks and countless journal entries later, Jinyoung packed a bag for his weekend staycation with Kang-joon, not forgetting the gift he’d exchange with him after their romantic dinner the other man had reserved for them to share. Without having a serious relationship since his breakup with Jaebum, Jinyoung found himself pleasantly surprised at how much he actually liked the holiday when he was with someone, his attitude more positive than it had been during the previous weeks of self-reflection. As Kang-joon drove them both to the swankiest hotel in the area, Jinyoung played with the stereo as usual, a nervous habit he couldn’t break. Once they arrived, Kang-joon valeted his car and had their bags brought inside, chatting with the staff at the desk like old friends. Jinyoung was used to Kang-joon’s extremely social nature; he seemed to know someone everywhere they went, which normally led to amazing perks like free parking, or even better, free food.

Once he received their room keys, Kang-joon thanked the staff before grabbing Jinyoung’s hand, leading them to the elevators to take them up to their room. Once they had walked on and the doors had shut, Kang-joon had Jinyoung cornered, hands on either side of his head as he pressed his lips against the younger man’s, hungry for something more than their usual PDA of tiny pecks and hand-holding. While surprised by the sudden attack of his boyfriend’s mouth, Jinyoung reciprocated easily, the clichéd feelings of romance during Valentine’s Day surprisingly not making him as sick as they once did in the past. Hands finding their place on the small of Kang-joon’s back, Jinyoung barely flinched as the chime indicated that they had arrived at their level, both boys continuing to make out a little longer until the doors attempted to close again.

After peeling themselves apart, Kang-joon led the way down the hall to their room, thanking the staff who were waiting with their bags before entering, carrying both of their things in with ease. Jinyoung was stunned by the large suite, one oversized king bed against the wall with plenty of other seating and a huge television; the bathroom completely fitted with a shower, tub and jacuzzi. Making his way over to look outside, Jinyoung sighed as he admired the view, already looking forward to the city lights spanning from window to window as the sun would continue to set. As he stared out the floor-to-ceiling panes, Kang-joon snuck up from behind, wrapping his arms around his middle tight and nuzzling his face directly into his neck, sighing happily.

“I’m so happy we get to spend tonight together,” Kang-joon smiled, his lips pressing gently against Jinyoung’s neck. “I’m really lucky to have you.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung smiled a bit, still staring straight out into the busy city below. “You are.”

 

 

Jinyoung couldn’t remember a period of time in his life where he had worn so much formalwear, opting for a repeat of his dinner party outfit to set the mood for their romantic dinner. Hailing a cab just in case they kept challenging each other to see how much wine Jinyoung could really consume, the two men made their way to the upscale eatery, Kang-joon not even having to introduce himself to the maître d’ before they were both being ushered off to what was being described as the “best table in the house.” Once seated and comfortable, Kang-joon’s friend (Acquaintance? Colleague? Jinyoung wasn’t sure) brought them a bottle of wine on the house, filling their glasses before Jinyoung chuckled to himself, eyes glazing over as he stared at the menu.

“What’s so funny?” Kang-joon asked, giggling softly himself. “I’m sorry I know everyone in town. Are you really that upset over all the free things?”

“Absolutely not,” Jinyoung smiled. “It’s just amusing, that’s all.”

“As long as it keeps you entertained,” Kang-joon grinned. “I love to see you smile.”

Barely blushing, Jinyoung propped his menu up to obscure his face, giggling softly at the subtle flirting that had been happening all day. It wasn’t like Kang-joon wasn’t affectionate otherwise; it was always more friendly or even professional in a way, never too much to make Jinyoung uncomfortable. But something had shifted in the last day or so, the other man giggling and smiling, kissing and hugging Jinyoung whenever he could, the true spirit of the holiday in the air.

After ordering something he could barely pronounce, Jinyoung went back to drinking his wine, Kang-joon’s feet gently brushing against his legs under the table, the two engaged in a conversation about everything and nothing at the same time. Almost slipping into one of his ‘zone-out moments,’ Jinyoung caught himself as he noticed Kang-joon growing increasingly quieter, having to nudge his knee under the table to get his attention for once, instead of it being the other way around.

“Hey,” Jinyoung smiled softly, hand reaching across the table to hold Kang-joon’s. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing,” Kang-joon immediately replied, his other hand nervously adjusting a strand of hair that had fallen out of place. “Not one thing.”

“Oh, come on,” Jinyoung giggled. “You’ve been in my face all day, not that I’m complaining… I’m enjoying it quite a lot. Even the blow job in the window of the hotel room was nice…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kang-joon laughed quietly, shaking his head. “It’s really nothing. Well… okay. It’s a lot more than nothing.”

“Tell me,” Jinyoung squeezed Kang-joon’s hand, offering his undivided attention in support. “I’m here to listen.”

“I…,” Kang-joon began, words seeming to trail off before he could finish, a nervous laugh following. “Fuck, I even practiced.”

_Oh, god. Please… this can’t be happening…_

“Practiced what?” Jinyoung replied, eyes wide as he watched Kang-joon nibble on his bottom lip, staring down at the table before glancing back up, smile brighter than ever.

“Jinyoung,” Kang-joon sighed dreamily, cheeks flushed pink. “I… I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Wow. Three big moments here: Jinyoung getting his job, Jaebum telling Jackson _almost_ every detail of what happened and breaking up with Youngjae, and Kang-joon with his confession at the end. A whole lot for one chapter :)
> 
> Questions as always: Do you think Jaebum wanted Jackson to know who it was with? Now that others know, do you think Jinyoung will act any differently around them and/or Kang-joon? How do you think Jinyoung will react to those three little words his boyfriend decided to share with him? Has Jinyoung shown him enough of the "real him" for his feelings to be valid?
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> Feel free to send be your questions as well :) you know I love to answer them with tiny hints...
> 
> Thank you so much for continuing to support, read, comment, kudos, etc everything with this story. And thank you to my lovely friend [pepipeach](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pepipeach) for being the best beta in the entire universe - love you!!!!
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> twitter/tumblr: in bio


	12. Chapter 12

“You _what_?”

It wasn’t the perfect response, but it was better than most things he could have said, Jinyoung genuinely shocked by the sudden confession from his boyfriend. Kang-joon didn’t seem to expect anything less, chuckling softly and shaking his head, reaching back over the table to gently hold Jinyoung’s right hand, caressing it softly.

“I love you,” Kang-joon repeated more confidently, million dollar smile on full display. “I’m serious.”

_Yeah, seriously crazy._

How did he end up this position? What had intended to be a one-night stand turned into a relationship of nearly four months, the first night completely wrecked by someone Jinyoung still didn’t know how to address. Kang-joon had appeared in his life at a very important time, one of transition and change as Jinyoung reevaluated what he wanted and needed for himself, knowing there was so much he had to change before he could try and be happy with anything ever again. It wasn’t like Kang-joon had been the reason for the change, but rather his main supporter in the journey, Jinyoung finding his self-confidence to get back out there and apply and interview, finally accepting something he probably would have brushed off if he was still comfortably floating along in life.

But the confession that Kang-joon _loved_ him had thrown him for a loop; Jinyoung must have been half-awake during the entire relationship so far, completely unaware that such deep feelings could exist. In a time where it was normal for people his age to pair off and settle down without a second thought, Jinyoung still hadn’t matured to that point, considering what he and Kang-joon had as something casual, something reliable and monogamous, but certainly nothing that would warrant a five-year plan of any sort. Knowing how the other man felt threw a wrench in his self-rehabilitation, Jinyoung suddenly aware that he needed to carry more weight than just his own to prove that he wasn’t as hands-off as he wished he could be.

If Kang-joon loved him, did that mean Jinyoung was inevitably on that path to reciprocation? It was difficult to figure out why Jinyoung _couldn’t_ love the other man, someone who was dependable and organized, a person with a great career and connections that would last a lifetime. They hadn’t fought over anything serious and Kang-joon didn’t hesitate to include him in every aspect of his life that he deemed fit, so what was the hold up? With Jaebum, Jinyoung caught feelings in weeks, a stubborn attraction to the mystery of figuring Jaebum out leading him down a path to a deep love and self-realization; the blissful first few months of the relationship the textbook definition of a honeymoon period. Was it simply age and maturity that kept Jinyoung from a similar fate with Kang-joon? Or was love only as easy as fate intended it to be, leaving a trail of hard work for Jinyoung to follow to reach the same pinnacle with anyone not named Im Jaebum?

_Now you’re thinking about fate? He’s really got you messed up._

Looking back across the table, Kang-joon was still smiling brightly, unphased by the lack of words Jinyoung had mustered, fingers gently grazing up Jinyoung’s wrist. It was a tiny gesture, one to show comfort and support no matter what would come from his mouth, but Jinyoung didn’t need to be coddled, instead searching for the answers to everything floating in circles around his head.

“Why?”

For the second time, it hadn’t even come close to the right thing to say, but Kang-joon laughed it off anyway, hand patting Jinyoung’s in an odd showing of comfort before moving to hold his glass.

“Oh, Jinyoungie,” Kang-joon giggled before taking another sip of wine. “I didn’t expect you to say it back yet, but I just had to tell you how I felt. I know you’ll tell me your feelings when you’re ready.”

_Would you? Does he even know you at all?_

“Okay,” Jinyoung managed a small smile, nodding in a sigh of relief. “Thank you, I guess.”

“For what?” Kang-joon raised an eyebrow, giggling softly.

“Um,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, wishing this all had happened in a more private setting, knowing a nearby table was probably eavesdropping on their semi-awkward conversation. “For having those feelings?”

“You’re adorable,” Kang-joon laughed under his breath, shaking his head. “Truly one of a kind.”

_Park Jinyoung, what have you gotten yourself into this time?_

 

 

After swallowing down a very expensive meal with an equally pricey dessert, they made their way back to their hotel that began with a tiny gift exchange; Jinyoung presented Kang-joon with a new designer tie for the many meetings he attended on a regular basis, while the older man had decided to purchase a brand new bottle of the cologne he had noticed completely empty on Jinyoung’s nightstand the last time he had spent the evening. Before Jinyoung could even form a response, his boyfriend was covering him in kisses, leading him to the bedroom for a night of romance, Kang-joon having planned the entire thing to his exact wishes. It was a scene from what Jinyoung would nickname _Everything You Used to Hate and Now Have To Pretend Like It Doesn’t Make You Gag_ : rose petals sprinkled around like confetti from the doorway to the bed itself, champagne in an icy bucket with a basket of strawberries nearby, soft romantic elevator music playing somewhere in the background. It was the stereotypical Valentine’s Day Jinyoung had successfully avoided for his entire life, but with a naked Kang-joon begging for more in the middle of the huge king bed, Jinyoung did his best to block most of it out, instead focusing on how good everything felt, albeit a little awkward knowing that Kang-joon had already passed on to the next level of romantic maturity, leaving Jinyoung to only be half-present during their session of lovemaking.

From penetration to post-coital snuggles, Jinyoung’s mind continued racing, never once pausing to really enjoy his time with Kang-joon. If only the other man had waited until the end of the trip to share his feelings, Jinyoung wouldn’t be lying awake as the other slept soundly, eyes staring straight up as he tried to sort out his exact mindset. Was it fair to compare Kang-joon and Jaebum at this point in time, one relationship tarnished beyond belief while the other was beginning to blossom? Thinking back to falling in love with Jaebum, Jinyoung recalled the sudden shift in the world around him once the feelings began to take hold, how he consistently felt sick and out of place even in his bedroom when thinking about the other man. Sure, there was a subtle sense of distance between them at that point as Jinyoung had tried to determine what was causing his body to react in such strong ways, but was the distance Jinyoung had been feeling between him and Kang-joon similar? Were they ever close enough for it to be another red flag?

On paper, Kang-joon was the perfect catch. He wasn’t embarrassed by Jinyoung’s antics at the wedding, didn’t question how Jinyoung had suddenly fallen ill directly after. When Jinyoung had started his job hunt, Kang-joon was always there to encourage him and when he finally got the job, he was the first to congratulate Jinyoung on the effort well spent. During the holidays, he got along with Jinyoung’s family, always had something fun planned and didn’t make a big deal out of the cheesy things others had loved so much. When Jinyoung needed space, Kang-joon gave it freely. When Jinyoung complained, Kang-joon always had textbook advice, a plan broken down into easy steps for success. Sexually, Kang-joon had clicked with Jinyoung immediately, barely any awkward moments coming to mind.

_So what does Jaebum have that Kang-joon doesn’t?_

Jinyoung fought any feelings for Jaebum immediately. He was wary of the other man’s kindness, the way Jaebum always knew exactly what to do or say to catch him off-guard at any moment. Of course, his predictions had been right, learning that Jaebum had lied about the book in a way the older hadn’t expected him to, causing a huge rift in their childish romance. But it was the way that Jaebum never gave up that formed a soft spot for him in Jinyoung’s heart, the way Jaebum was always there when Jinyoung put himself in terrible positions by drinking too much, the way Jaebum knew that he could show Jinyoung what true love was if he would only give him a minute of his time to explain. Even after Jinyoung had fallen in love and their relationship began to prosper, the challenge from Jaebum was always there, the two playing off of each other’s strengths and weaknesses to make each other better in their own right, testing each other to be the best version of themselves yet. Jinyoung was bratty and selfish and Jaebum was stubborn and relentless but they _worked_ , able to put their differences aside to come together and create something entirely unlike who they each were.

Looking over at Kang-joon, Jinyoung sighed quietly, feeling a small pang of guilt for thinking about his past while lying next to a man who had just confessed his true feelings. Considering his past was an important step in moving forward in his life, but was it important in determining how to love another man? Did there need to be a similar motive in his feelings to truly care about somebody else? In fact, if Jinyoung wanted things to continue on a positive level, wouldn’t it be best to be the opposite of who he was with Jaebum, hoping for a better storyline that didn’t end in complete and utter heartbreak? All he needed to do was continue looking ahead, using his past as a reminder, not a guide, and maybe, just maybe, Jinyoung would finally get somewhere that didn’t involve fake apologies and misguided actions.

 

 

After checking out of the hotel the next day, Jinyoung and Kang-joon made the short trip back home, the three little words not making another appearance to Jinyoung’s relief. If Kang-joon had decided to say them again, Jinyoung had decided he would reciprocate with a kiss, the tiny action able to cover up any misguided reply his words would offer instead. It was the perfect plan he never had to put into action, instead saving it for the next time it would inevitably come up, Jinyoung praying it would be weeks before it’d happen again. Instead, the only kiss that was needed was one for a goodbye, Jinyoung grabbing his things and waving before heading up to his apartment, slamming the door shut and immediately grabbing his phone, dialing the number of someone he knew he could help when he needed it most.

“Hello?” Mark had answered a few rings later, Jinyoung plopping himself back across his sofa.

“He loves me,” Jinyoung didn’t bother to pause, needing to get all of his words out immediately. “Kang-joon told me he loved me last night, Mark.”

“He loves you?” Mark replied, Jinyoung waiting for the signature giggle that would usually follow, instead wasting away in the silence.

“Yes,” Jinyoung continued, sighing as he rubbed his face. “He took me to dinner and before we even had a chance to eat, he said it. He told me in public, Mark! Can you believe this?”

“I mean,” Mark sighed. “Kind of?”

“What do you mean _kind of_?” Jinyoung hissed. “This is a huge fucking deal. It’s only been three and a half months. Not even four months and he’s telling me he _loves_ me? Does he even _know_ me?”

“I don’t know, Jinyoungie,” Mark replied, voice completely detached. “Does he _really_ know you?”

“Did I catch you at a bad time or something?” Jinyoung asked, completely aware of the inflections in Mark’s voice, noticing he didn’t sound as amused as Jinyoung would have guessed he’d be in this situation. “You sound… not like yourself.”

“Sorry,” Mark practically yawned, Jinyoung clearly hearing Jackson cursing at something in the background. “I guess I’m trying to figure out why you’re telling me all this.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Jinyoung was suddenly taken aback, astounded by his supposed best friend’s lack of empathy. “I always call you about this stuff. You’re my best friend, I tell you everything… that’s how it’s always been.”

“You tell me everything?” Mark finally laughed, although Jinyoung noted the malice present in that particular instance. “Right, so tell me about how you slept with Jaebum on the night of my wedding?”

Jinyoung felt his stomach drop, the line going completely silent as he sat up. From the conversation Jackson had with Jaebum, Jinyoung had assumed Jackson knew. If Jackson knew, then of course Mark had to know, but he never expected a reaction like this, especially after Jackson had sought out a day together. It had been a long time since Jinyoung had spoken to Mark in general, but it wasn’t anything completely out of the ordinary, the younger man assuming that it was just part of being friends at this point in adult life.

“Mark,” Jinyoung sighed. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Jaebum cheated on his boyfriend with you and that’s _nothing to talk about?_ ” Mark asked, clearly more upset with the situation than anyone else had been. “Have you fucking lost your mind?”

“Clearly I haven’t because I’m doing better than I have been in the past two and a half years,” Jinyoung scoffed, offended at the accusation considering how much he had grown since it happened. “It was four months ago, it didn’t happen again.”

“I can’t believe you’d do that, Jinyoung,” Mark sighed. “We all know you still have feelings for him, but that’s really low. What did you get out of it, hm? What did one night get you?”

“Mark, please…,” Jinyoung winced, already having dealt with these exact questions internally. “It got me absolutely nothing, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“Well, Jaebum’s single again,” Mark laughed again, a little meaner in tone. “Guess it’s time to hop back on and give it another try, right? Isn’t that what you wanted, to get him single and miserable, just like you?”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung gritted, knowing what Mark was saying wasn’t entirely untruthful, trying to hold back from saying something he’d regret in response. “Clearly neither of us knew what we were doing. It just… happened.”

“Nothing just _happens_ ,” Mark argued. “I wish I could thank you for not overshadowing my big day, but this is bigger than that. You’re both our friends and it’s a huge deal considering your past. I know you’re not the kindest person, but to explicitly go behind someone else’s back and ruin a relationship… I didn’t want to believe you could do that.”

“Mark, it’s not that simple. I swear it-”

“Do you know what happened when Jaebum told Jackson?” Mark kept going, not letting Jinyoung get more than a few words in. “After he finished the call, Jackson came looking for me and the very first thing he said was ‘I think Jinyoung and Jaebum slept together.’ He was stunned, basically speechless. Do you know how often that happens to Jackson, Jinyoung? It doesn’t. I had to spend the rest of the night figuring out a way to make it sound like something like this wouldn’t actually hurt someone, that it was somebody’s mistake, but he knew I was lying. That’s when he decided he wanted to see you. He didn’t want to think of you as a bad person longer than he had to.”

Remembering how hard Jackson took the news that Jaebum had dumped him over the phone, Jinyoung felt his heart ache at the idea of seeing him in a similar state, knowing all Jackson ever wanted was for everyone to get along. Of course out of their small group, he believed in destiny the most, thinking it brought him back to Mark and ultimately led Jinyoung to meet Jaebum in the process. The fact that Jinyoung and Jaebum broke up was a devastating blow to his theories and the act of them being together while Jaebum was with someone else probably only opened old wounds, Jinyoung wincing at the mental image of Jackson trying to reason with himself why bad things had to happen to good people.

“Do you know how much strength it took to not immediately drive over there and knock some sense into you?” Mark asked, the question rhetorical. “For months, I’ve thought you’ve been putting your life back together because you finally realized you were worth the effort. Tell me, Jinyoung. Is it for him? Everything you’re doing right now… the job, going to grad school in a few months, actually acting like your life counts for something… are you doing this all for Jaebum?”

“No,” Jinyoung said quietly, voice weak and completely worthless. “It’s not for him.”

“Is it for Kang-joon?” Mark quipped. “The guy who loves you even though I’m sure he doesn’t know this side of you one bit? Is it for him?”

“Mark, stop,” Jinyoung whined, feeling like his entire process of dealing with the fallout that happened at the wedding was being exposed for the world to see. “I swear, I’m finally getting myself to where I should be.”

“Where you should be or where you actually _want_ to be?” Mark asked, Jinyoung closing his eyes as he heard the other man sigh over the phone. “I don’t know how you convinced yourself that everything would be okay this time, Jinyoungie, but I’m excited to see you try to fix it.”

With a final click, Mark was gone, Jinyoung in a worse position than where he had begun the entire call. Of course, Jinyoung had expected Mark to know what had happened if Jackson had guessed, knowing they never kept anything from each other unless it was some corny romantic surprise. But Mark realizing that Jinyoung had kept such a dark secret for months must have been the final straw to drop some truth on the entire situation, forcing Jinyoung to confront himself for the first time in weeks. It was true that his master plan of finding a new job had been a well-intentioned distraction from everything actually happening in the background of his life, but Jinyoung _did_ actually enjoy what he was doing and was already starting to consider his class schedule for the first enrollment period he could take. So what was the big deal if it had started to prove someone else wrong? Was it so bad to use harsh words as motivation to live a better life?

_When it’s the words of an ex that you may still have feelings for? Possibly._

Jinyoung wanted to be angry with Mark, wanted to say everything he had procured in his brain about the situation was completely wrong, but he knew Mark was right. Everything about that night was a mistake and everything that had happened since was a pathetic attempt to rush to get his life in order, as if any of it would matter in the end to anyone but himself. He had been doing a great job of living for himself for once, enjoying the small things and actually putting in the time that mattered to make things happen, but the intentions that started it all were anything but pure. Without that night at the hotel, Jinyoung would still be stuck in some weird self-pitying cycle, waiting for someone to give him that bump necessary to kickstart his life again. Would have hooking up with Kang-joon as planned after the reception been the catalyst? Possibly. Could it have been anyone? More than likely.

_Well, there’s another answer. He’s… anyone, isn’t he?_

Looking down at the phone in his hands, Jinyoung noticed a text that had come through during the call with Mark, sliding open the notification to read it. It was only a line from Kang-joon thanking him for a lovely weekend and that he was really happy they had met at the right time, but it stung, Jinyoung knowing none of this was about Kang-joon. He hadn’t fallen in love yet because it wasn’t special. Kang-joon was a nice guy with a winning personality and a laundry list of positive traits that ranged from nice apartment to great lover, but was he _special_? Jinyoung hadn’t found that passion with him yet, the feeling that together, they could be more than just two people who cared for each other. But how long should that take to discover? Had Jinyoung already missed his chance to find the answer?

Sending a quick reply along the lines of _Same to you :)_ , Jinyoung tossed his phone to the side, going to fetch his journal, flipping to a clean page to begin his stream of thoughts. Without Mark to listen to his babbling or a boyfriend that would offer his ear, Jinyoung had already filled quite a chunk of the pages, pen sliding easily line to line as everything came out without pause. It was like a constant open letter, every page blending into the others, thoughts strung along like birds on a wire, one right after the next without a break between. It was his only outlet, a place Jinyoung could express himself without the immediate judgement he received from actual human beings, the act of writing bringing him a sense of calm nothing else ever had before.

One day, someone would be there to listen to what he had to say, but until then, the pages in front of him would do, Jinyoung imagining reading the notebook cover to cover once it was filled before tossing it in an open fire, letting his thoughts turn into smoke and ash right before his very eyes.

 

 

Jinyoung tried his best to act like nothing had been bothering him as he visited Kang-joon a few nights after work during the week, only opening up on the second night they spent together, Jinyoung acting more grumpy than usual. Kang-joon had ordered them takeout and while Jinyoung enjoyed his meal, it wasn’t exactly his favorite dish, his boyfriend preferring to order for both of them. It was a common theme, Kang-joon somehow having a connection tied to anything they did, this time it was knowing the owner of the restaurant itself, letting the chef select his favorite dishes to be delivered to the apartment. Of course, Jinyoung knew it would seem petty to argue over where Kang-joon decided to get their meals from, but it was the first test of many he needed to try in order to uncover his true feelings about the other man.

“All I’m saying is that we don’t always have to get things from people you know,” Jinyoung explained, trying his best to remain calm. “We can get the really good takeout from the place a few more blocks over, I don’t mind paying for it.”

“But everything we just had was picked especially for us,” Kang-joon smiled, almost unwavered by the argument. “They normally don’t even do delivery, but he made an exception for me. Isn’t that amazing?”

“It’s only because you had a wedding party decide to spend thousands in catering there,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes only a little, just enough for emphasis. “They’re trying to stay on your good side.”

“So what?” Kang-joon laughed, shrugging a bit. “If they want to hook me up when it doesn’t affect who my clients actually pick, then so be it.”

“That’s gonna bite you in the ass one day,” Jinyoung noted nonchalantly. “Someone will accuse you of playing favorites and it won’t be pretty.”

“They can accuse me of whatever they want,” Kang-joon chuckled, shaking his head. “I know the truth.”

“Fine,” Jinyoung groaned, wishing Kang-joon would just argue with him instead of dancing around the confrontation. “But maybe next time we could decide together what to do… I’d like to include my opinion on things, too.”

“Sure, Jinyoung,” Kang-joon smiled, Jinyoung trying to determine if there was any difference in the expression he used with him versus the one shown to every important figurehead in town. “We’ll talk about it next time.”

_Of course, you will. There’s always next time._

 

 

With his kiss goodbye, Jinyoung was reminded that Kang-joon would be out of town for the weekend, off to some conference for planners like himself to further his expertise in the field. Kang-joon was usually busy on weekends, floating between actual ceremonies and meetings when there wasn’t a wedding on the schedule, but Jinyoung would still manage to sneak in a quick lunch or coffee break wherever possible. No Kang-joon meant that he would have no responsibilities, leaving his schedule wide open to the millions of possibilities at his fingertips. Having a weekend wide open would have felt more rewarding if he hadn’t recently drove a wedge between himself and his closest friends, still not friendly enough with his coworkers to suggest something outside of work hours. He could return home for a day, spend it with his mom and dad like he would when he had time during his college days, but Jinyoung wanted something a little more wild, something to bring him back out of his comfort zone.

It was a Saturday night and Jinyoung had recalled two people that were always willing to help him have a good time: Yugyeom and Bambam. Remembering the two was somewhat of a blessing, Jinyoung receiving a reply to his invitation to go out almost immediately. While his old self would have suggested some club he could get completely wasted at and find a handsome stranger to dance with, Jinyoung suggested an upscale bar everyone was familiar with, a place they could drink and talk with some privacy, but also not worry about anyone sleazy interrupting their good time. In his favorite black skinny denim and a relaxed sportcoat, Jinyoung felt relaxed and ready to let off some steam, feeling more comfortable by himself than he had in months. Figuring it wouldn’t hurt to use some of the cologne Kang-joon had gifted him without realizing its associated hidden meaning, Jinyoung finished sprucing himself up before hopping in his car, making the quick drive and parking before he was inside. Spotting a small booth with the two others already inside, Jinyoung nodded in their direction, coming over swiftly.

“Ah, if it isn’t the mysterious Park Jinyoung,” Yugyeom giggled, sipping from a short glass filled with ice and a clear liquid, garnished with a lime. “You finally called us after all this time.”

“It wasn’t even a call,” Bambam corrected him, fingers dancing around the base of a martini glass. “But I was surprised to get that text.”

“I hope it wasn’t too weird,” Jinyoung smiled, already somewhat amused by their quick banter, appreciating the change of pace from a conversation with his boyfriend. “I’m just trying to… expand my horizons.”

“Really?” Bambam asked. “Because I heard you got into a fight with Mark.”

“Who did you hear that from?” Yugyeom asked, eyebrow raised. “And why didn’t you tell me on the way over here? Why do I get to find out when Jinyoung does?”

“Wait, how do you know?” Jinyoung inquired, confused as to how quickly information spread amongst everyone. “Who else knows?”

“Need I remind you I work with Jackson?” Bambam laughed. “I heard all about the call you had with Mark, Jackson is really good at remembering details.”

“Of course he is,” Jinyoung mumbled, not expecting to deal with his problems from earlier on in the week again that night, ordering one of the bar’s signature drinks as the waitress came by. “I’d prefer it if we just… didn’t talk about it.”

“Sure,” Yugyeom beamed, trying to steer the conversation back in a positive direction. “We can talk about anything else.”

“How’s your boyfriend?” Bambam smirked, somehow having a know-it-all vibe about every possible topic of discussion. “Kang-joon, right? Heard he’s a good lay.”

“ _Bambam_ ,” Yugyeom hissed, nearly clapping his hand over the other boy’s mouth. “Don’t say that. Please…”

“Who told you that?” Jinyoung laughed, thanking the waitress once he received his drink, sipping some from the edge of the glass. “Are you _interested_ or something?”

“Definitely not!” Bambam argued, shaking his head. “And it was Yugyeom who told me.”

“ _Bambam_ , please!” Yugyeom’s cheeks flushed a light shade of red, eyes cast downward towards the table. “Jinyoung, don’t get any crazy ideas from that one. I didn’t sleep with him or anything like that.”

“You are no fun,” Bambam cackled, pointing his index finger in Yugyeom’s face. “You’re supposed to go along with it, I want to freak Jinyoung out! You ruin everything.”

“Why do you want to freak me out?” Jinyoung studied the pair’s faces, both of them already amused by their failed prank on him. “Do you honestly have nothing better to talk about?”

“We have plenty of things to talk about,” Yugyeom stated proudly, fist gently banging on the table.

“Yeah,” Bambam agreed, twirling his straw in his mouth, smirking yet again. “Did you figure out you’re allowed to be happy yet?”

“Yes,” Jinyoung sighed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t I seem happier than the last time you saw me? I know it’s been quite a few months, but there has to be a visible change.”

“Hmm…,” Bambam stared at his face for a moment, squinting his eyes. “Stand up again, just for a second.”

“Okay?” Jinyoung obeyed, standing back up outside the booth, doing a short turn as Bambam eyed him up and down, chewing on the short black piece of plastic from his glass.

“You may sit back down,” Bambam motioned back to the booth, Jinyoung slipping back inside. “To answer your question, no.”

“No?” Jinyoung chuckled, hand moving to cover his mouth. “Why no?”

“You seem tense,” Yugyeom offered, shrugging a bit. “Like if anyone says the magic word you could crumble in an instant.”

Jinyoung tried to ignore what the word would so clearly be, focusing his attention back on his glass, finishing it off and flagging the waitress over for a refill.

“Yeah…,” Bambam agreed, going back to analyzing his face up close, eyes narrowed as they flickered around. “I bet it has to do with your ex I’m not supposed to bring up.”

“Bam! For the love of god…,” Yugyeom whined, covering his face in his hands. “Jinyoung, I’m so sorry. I swear, I filled him in on everything Mark had told me to avoid mentioning before we even met before the bachelor party and now he’s using it against you.”

“It’s fine,” Jinyoung smiled tightly, sighing as he received another beverage. “I appreciate the effort.”

“Jaebum,” Bambam smiled proudly. “That’s his name. Im Jaebum, wedding photographer. He was there, wasn’t he? At the wedding. He was the other best man.”

“Yes,” Jinyoung grumbled, tipping his glass back as the next sip was longer. “Can we move on from this? Please?”

“Yes, we can move on from it,” Yugyeom stated firmly, staring Bambam down. “Why don’t you talk about how you woke up the night after the ceremony in the middle of the beach naked?”

“Only if you say you woke up next to me the same way!” Bambam rebuked, both men erupting in a fit of giggles, Jinyoung finding himself laughing along, thanking a silent higher power for whatever spirits would continue to flow from his cup.

 

 

When Jinyoung had picked the bar for their relaxing night out, he hadn’t expected to get completely plastered, figuring the higher prices and atmosphere would remind him to hold back a bit. But with two men with him a few years his junior who seemed to be more into arguing and making odd sound effects kept encouraging him to drink more and more, Jinyoung didn’t argue, dealing with the noise the way he knew best. More than a few drinks deep, Jinyoung had felt comfortable to talk about his relationship with Kang-joon, the younger men more interested in things that happened behind closed doors than the emotional ties Jinyoung actually sought advice on, laughing at even the mention of how quickly Kang-joon had admitted his love for Jinyoung over dinner. It was honestly what Jinyoung needed, friends to keep the mood light, to remind him that yeah, it _was_ hilarious that Kang-joon had fallen in love with someone he seemed to barely know, Jinyoung explaining that if he had experienced the same fate years ago, he wouldn’t have had the self-restraint not to laugh in his face at the admission.

As time went on, Bambam and Yugyeom eventually called for the tab, covering the entire thing without question, both of them just happy to spend some time with a new friend they really appreciated meeting. Jinyoung thanked them both profusely, more drunk than he cared to admit, knowing it would have taken all three of them to locate his credit card in the various pockets of his jacket.

“Fuck,” Jinyoung leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. “I drove here.”

“Amateur mistake,” Bambam giggled, shaking his head as he signed his receipt. “You knew you were going to be drinking, you should have assumed the worst.”

“I’ll know that next time I choose to contact you two for a night out,” Jinyoung giggled, shaking his head. “How did you get here?”

“A cab,” Yugyeom smiled, looking at Bambam and giggling. “Speaking of which, I need to call us one. I can call you one too, if you’d like. I just need to borrow your phone because mine’s dead.”

“Borrow my phone?” Jinyoung asked, eyebrow raised. “Why can’t you borrow Bambam’s phone? He’s your closest friend!”

“No one touches Bambam’s phone except Bambam,” Yugyeom stated as if it were a fact everyone knew, Bambam nodding in silent agreement. “Please? I’ll bring it right back.”

With his palm stretched out in Jinyoung’s direction, Yugyeom wore his best pout, the older man sighing and giving in a little too easily, passing his phone over. Yugyeom smiled and thanked him, excusing himself to the lobby to make a call to arrange rides home for all of them, Jinyoung sighing as he stared at the mess of empty glasses that had accumulated along the edge of the table.

“Did we really drink all that?” Jinyoung slurred slightly, pointing at the line nearest himself.

“We didn’t,” Bambam tucked his receipt away, smirking a bit. “You did. You can really drink, Jinyoung. I didn’t even think you were drunk until you asked me to kiss your cheek.”

“You still did it,” Jinyoung giggled, eyes crinkling in pure delight. “I’m a master of persuasion.”

“Whatever you say,” Bambam laughed again, shaking his head and glancing up at Yugyeom as he returned, phone securely back in Jinyoung’s hand.

“Thanks again,” he smiled. “Our cab will be here in about five minutes.”

“What about mine?” Jinyoung smiled, leaning his head on his hand. “Five minutes for me, too?”

“Oh,” Yugyeom cleared his throat. “Something like that, might be a little longer since you have to go the opposite direction than us.”

“Hmm,” Jinyoung pouted to himself, trying to calculate the actual time and distance he lived from the bar, his head swirling with different numbers and formulas, eventually shrugging in agreement. “Okay.”

Gathering up their things, the three men thanked their waitress on the way out, making their way to a spot on the corner where Yugyeom had arranged for them to be picked up. As scheduled, the first cab arrived right on time, Bambam thanking Jinyoung again for inviting them out, Yugyeom following right behind. Before the cab pulled away, Yugyeom rolled down the window, getting Jinyoung’s attention one last time before they would be heading off.

“Oh, Jinyoung, I almost forgot,” Yugyeom giggled, Bambam’s light chuckling in the background hard to ignore. “Be nice to your cab driver, okay? He’s not really on duty tonight, but he made an exception just for you.”

“What?” Jinyoung narrowed his eyes, puzzled by Yugyeom’s explanation of a cab driver he apparently knew the personal schedule of. “What are you talking about?”

“Bye, Jinyoung!” Yugyeom waved, the window rolling up before Jinyoung noticed Bambam rolling in laughter across the entire backseat, the cab speeding away before Jinyoung could even mentally process chasing it. Taking his phone from his pocket, Jinyoung finally had the right mind to check his call history, noticing that Yugyeom had made two separate calls, one to a number he didn’t recognize and a second to one he knew all too well. As Jinyoung went to fire off a rude and confrontational message to Yugyeom, a familiar car rolled to a stop in front of where Jinyoung stood on the sidewalk, the driver’s side door opening and shutting before Jaebum was standing in front of him, hands shoved deep in his pockets.

“Don’t kill me,” Jaebum sighed, glasses hiding tired eyes, fluffy bangs hanging over the top edge. “This wasn’t my idea and I tried to tell him no…”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jinyoung looked to the side, arms crossed against his chest against his better judgement, body already wavering from the lack of balance. “You could have just called me and told me what they did, I would have grabbed a cab.”

“Yugyeom told me you had been drinking and I just…,” Jaebum sighed, looking down. “It’s an instinct I haven’t exactly broken yet. It was easier when you were thousands of miles away.”

“Can’t you act like that’s still true?” Jinyoung looked back over, not taking Jaebum’s poor excuses at face value. “I have a boyfriend, you know.”

“Yes, I know,” Jaebum laughed quietly, knowing that Jinyoung meant it as a fact, the inflection of his voice making it sound like he just tried to hit on Jinyoung at some club unsuccessfully. “So, where is he? Why isn’t he picking you drunk ass up in the middle of the night?”

“He’s at some convention,” Jinyoung mumbled, shrugging to himself. “Bettering himself for his career or some bullshit.”

“That doesn’t sound like bullshit to me,” Jaebum attempted to take the other side, most likely to get on Jinyoung nerves more than he already was. “Sounds like he only wants to be the best at his craft and is taking advantage of the resources offered to him.”

Jinyoung couldn’t help himself, rolling his eyes at the explanation Jaebum had attempted to offer about Kang-joon needing to attend workshops and informational sessions about weddings, the argument sounding vaguely similar to the reasons he gave for leaving for his photography gig years ago. The last thing Jinyoung wanted to hear was Jaebum taking the side of his current boyfriend, choosing to walk forward and swing open the car door, the momentum from the handle pulling him back and tossing him on his butt, Jinyoung landing right along the edge of the sidewalk. Unable to hold in his laughter anymore, Jaebum tried to cover up his snickers, coming over and grabbing Jinyoung’s arm, hoisting him up off the ground and ushering him into the passenger seat, shutting the door once he was situated inside. Passing around the front, Jaebum made his way back into the driver’s seat, starting the car and buckling his seatbelt.

“If Kang-joon wasn’t free, why didn’t you ask Mark or Jackson to rescue you?” Jaebum began to drive, turning up the car’s heat.

“I’m not exactly on speaking terms with them right now,” Jinyoung sighed, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window. “Something about what someone told someone about something that happened at a certain wedding.”

“I see,” Jaebum nodded, looking straight ahead at the road. “They aren’t talking to me either if it makes you feel any better.”

“Really?” Jinyoung looked over, cracking a smile at the fact that Mark and Jackson had decided to treat them equally. “Good.”

“Figured you’d agree,” Jaebum chuckled under his breath, finally clicking on the car stereo, some unrecognizable playlist beginning to resonate through the car’s speakers. Reaching over, Jinyoung’s hand went on autopilot, messing with the knobs and buttons of the radio before it settled on a local alternative rock station, a familiar song soothing his inebriated mind. Without having to explain why he left it on, Jinyoung noticed a small smile pulling at the edges of Jaebum’s lips, head nodding along to the beat.

“I haven’t heard this in years,” Jaebum commented, gaze refusing to meet Jinyoung’s line of sight, hands firmly on the steering wheel. “Used to be one of my favorites.”

“You put it on every playlist the first year we dated,” Jinyoung smiled a little bittersweetly, sighing. “I can still smell your old car whenever I hear it.”

“You still listen to it?” Jaebum looked over, surprised at the subtle admission.

“Never on purpose,” Jinyoung shrugged. “But it’s hard to deny what it used to mean to me.”

With a nod, Jaebum seemed to agree, both of them knowing what was unspoken: it was more than just a song, more than just a time they had shared together, more than just a feeling that couldn’t stay in the past. As the song concluded and faded into the next, Jaebum stared back at the road, Jinyoung finding himself looking back out the window, eyes reluctantly closing after a long night of jokes and drinking. It was a bad habit he thought he had rid himself of months ago, the warmth of the alcohol carrying him to a gentle slumber, once again missing the way Jaebum couldn’t help but look over at him like he was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in the car: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-ENipUB8NI
> 
> Do you think Jinyoung reacted appropriately to the confession? Did Mark react appropriately? Did you enjoy the return of the maknaes? What about the interaction at the end? :) In general, how do you think Jinyoung is processing everything happening around him?
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, comments, kudos, etc etc etc :) NOW GO ENJOY THE COMEBACK!!!!
> 
> XOXO
> 
> twitter/tumblr: in profile!!!


	13. Chapter 13

Unlike the previous time he had woken up in Jaebum’s apartment, Jinyoung immediately knew where he was as his eyes blinked awake. With a throbbing headache and a dry mouth, his slight hangover was in full force, leaving him to groan in slight annoyance before rolling on his side to stare at the wall next to him. He wasn’t surprised that Jaebum had brought him here after he had fallen asleep on the ride back, but so much had changed since the last time Jinyoung let his guard down; Jaebum had become single and Jinyoung was the one in the relationship, trying his best to not make the same mistakes he constantly found himself drawn to. Cursing his predictability that came with drinking and also making note to scold Yugyeom and Bambam the next time they were within reach, Jinyoung closed his eyes and sighed, trying to picture a time where seeing the room from this angle could bring back happy and uplifting memories, most too dusty and warped to even seem real. If only Jaebum had broken up with him while he was still living in the area, Jinyoung thought, maybe then the room wouldn’t feel as similar, the photo of himself under the lights still awkwardly hung near the desk in the corner of the room.

Still dressed in his outfit from the night before, Jinyoung spotted his sportcoat draped over the desk chair, getting up slowly before sliding it on quickly before deciding what to do next. Last time, Jaebum had made breakfast, causing Jinyoung to second guess everything he wanted and needed to say, leading to some embarrassing moments during their meal together. Even worse, Jinyoung had noticed what he thought was the cactus, overfilling his cup and spilling coffee everywhere, making an even bigger scene for absolutely no reason at all. Accepting breakfast again would be too kind of a thing to do; Jinyoung wanted to reinforce the fact that he wasn’t here because he wanted to be, but rather because Jaebum had a grand scheme of his own to fulfill.

Before leaving the room, Jinyoung dialed a number for a cab, giving them the address before hanging up, knowing he’d have to go fetch his car from near the bar from the night before. Using the bathroom and running his fingers through his hair, Jinyoung fixed himself up enough before heading out of the bedroom, ready to tell Jaebum to shove his freshly prepared meal up his ass, already wearing a subtle smirk across his lips. However, there was nothing on the table, not even the faint scent of coffee hanging in the air, Jaebum lounging in the corner of the couch with a battered version of some paperback Jinyoung had seen a million times. Even as Jinyoung clicked the bedroom door closed, Jaebum’s line of sight never wavered, eyes still focused on the pages in front of him, flipping them softly without a word.

Torn between relief and unjustified annoyance, Jinyoung scoffed, heading to the kitchen for a glass of water, eyes rolling as he reached for the handle of the cabinet where he knew Jaebum kept glassware. As his hand landed on the knob, his eyes landed on the unmistakeable presence of what he didn’t want to believe was true, the cactus Jaebum had given him years ago back in its rightful place on the windowsill. Jinyoung had assumed it was true, that it was real, that it was still alive last time he had rudely awoken in the apartment, but seeing it so shamelessly displayed made him gulp back a dry breath, a subtle curse falling from his lips.

“Need help in there?” Jaebum asked, shaking Jinyoung back to a temporary level of normalcy, eyes still fixated on his novel. “Nothing has changed.”

“I know,” Jinyoung mumbled, finally grabbing a glass before filling it at the tap. “I’m fine.”

Swallowing back the entire glass, Jinyoung sighed and placed the cup in the sink, making sure he had everything in his pockets before heading over to the door, getting his shoes laced back on his feet. It was clear that Jaebum wanted nothing to do with him and that was fine; Jinyoung didn’t necessarily want to hang around someone who had become even more mysterious than the moment he arrived back for good. Sure, Jinyoung enjoyed looking for a fight, happy to bring up petty things and argue for no reason, but it was nice to take the easy out, leaving before things could become even more hazy and difficult to decipher.

“I called a cab,” Jinyoung stated. “I’ll be out of here before you know it.”

“Okay,” Jaebum replied, turning another page. “That’s fine.”

It wasn’t enough. Hearing Jaebum brush off his statement so easily made Jinyoung even more frustrated than before, realizing in that moment that not preparing breakfast was symbolic in its own twisted way. While Jinyoung wanted Jaebum to look at him like he was watching him leave his life for the millionth time since his big move back, Jinyoung wasn’t offered that satisfaction, the older man preferring to read his book in the most passive aggressive way possible. Jinyoung regretted analyzing Jaebum’s posture as he waited for more words to come from the other man, noting how Jaebum was sitting with his back at an angle against the corner of the worn-in sofa, legs stretching nearly across the entire length, calves and ankles hanging off to leave a Jinyoung-sized space that never seemed like enough room but always was.

Staring at Jaebum where he hadn’t moved, Jinyoung felt the urge to go over and shake the other man by the shoulders, asking him how he could keep himself together so easily. It had been over a month since he had broken up with Youngjae, but shouldn’t Jaebum have been showing some signs of exhaustion or sadness? Shouldn’t Jinyoung have felt some odd lingering tension that explicitly blamed him for the termination of the relationship? Instead, Jinyoung was looking at a man who didn’t seemed phased by anything anymore, one going with the motions, almost in his own world where nothing could really get to him. If it was instinct that Jaebum still appeared whenever he was drunk and in need of some assistance, then it was Jinyoung’s instinct to never let things rest, always figuring out a way to dig in deeper.

“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked, arms folded against his chest. “You have nothing else to say to me today?”

Looking up from his book, Jaebum sat up a bit straighter, folding the corner of the page before shutting it, placing the novel in his lap. With his attention fully directed towards Jinyoung’s position, the older man let his expression stay flat, answering Jinyoung’s question with his own.

“Are you happy?” Jaebum asked simply, eyes staring at Jinyoung or what could have been the wall directly behind him. “With Kang-joon… are you happy with him?”

_That… was unexpected._

“What?” Jinyoung hissed, immediately regretting prodding Jaebum for a reaction, unsure of what he would say if he could ever muster the truth. “That’s absolutely none of your business…”

“So,” Jaebum didn’t hesitate, gaze fixed. “Do you love him?”

“Do I _what_?” Jinyoung questioned back, wishing he could go back thirty seconds and stop himself from poking Jaebum for some sort of confrontation, stunned that the other man would have the guts to ask so bluntly, alarms and sirens sounding between his ears, burning red creeping up his chest and neck to his cheeks. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

“Don’t make me repeat it,” Jaebum sighed, Jinyoung noticing cracks in his usually stable façade, scolding himself for mistaking the other’s placid attitude for general disinterest instead of introverted self-analysis. “Please.”

“You really think I’m going to answer you?” Jinyoung evaded a response, needing to know the answers to his own questions, agitated that he was caught in Jaebum’s trap of a questionnaire. “Why does it matter to you?”

“It doesn’t…,” Jaebum argued back, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he continued to retreat from his blunt inquiries. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Bullshit,” Jinyoung scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t lie to me. You’re more transparent than you think, Jaebum.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” Jaebum replied, eyes a bit softer, Jinyoung praying the twinkle in his eye wasn’t a stray tear. “I just want to know.”

Standing with his hands balled into fists against his sides, Jinyoung closed his eyes and took a deep breath, words swirling in unpredictable patterns in his head. As Jinyoung opened his mouth to spit back whatever he could to shut Jaebum up for good, his phone buzzed in his pocket, reminding him that he had called for a ride that had arrived in the nick of time. With a roll of his eyes, Jinyoung buttoned his sportcoat, glancing over his shoulder as he headed for the door.

“I have to go,” Jinyoung announced calmly, “and I think it’s best if you leave me alone, even if anyone tells you otherwise.”

Unable to face Jaebum’s reaction, whatever it might have been, Jinyoung turned the doorknob, heading out of the apartment and down to his cab, sliding into the backseat and offering his destination to retrieve his car from the night before. Once he was buckled in and the driver had started the route, Jinyoung sighed deeply, staring out of the back window, letting himself process all that had been said. Jaebum had said so little but it all meant too much, the questions the absolute worst options Jinyoung would ever choose. Even knowing that he didn’t give Jaebum the satisfaction of any answers, he had reacted according to Jaebum’s plan, going back to denying a detailed reply that seemed to insinuate the worst of the situation. With the image of a familiar cactus still etched into his memory, Jinyoung closed his eyes, wishing that he could have all of the answers to his questions for Jaebum, or at least the ability to know what the future had in store.

 

 

As the weeks passed, Jinyoung’s mind stayed perpetually cloudy, only able to focus on one thing at a time, multitasking becoming a thing of the past. Besides his job (which had been going steadily), Jinyoung continued to dwell on the fact that Kang-joon loved him, the other man constantly reminding him more and more frequently as time went on. While it had started as a rare statement, Kang-joon seemed to have been purposefully adding in the phrase more often to Jinyoung’s dismay; what had been easy to avoid and giggle at was becoming more serious, Kang-joon not always giving into Jinyoung’s kisses and physical replies as easily as when Jinyoung had first began using them as a reflex. As Kang-joon’s feelings solidified, Jinyoung’s journaling intensified, pages and pages of lists and notes of what he liked about Kang-joon filling the off-white paper, blank ink smudged around where he had a sudden rush of thought. It was nearly inevitable after every night that Jinyoung would review what he had written and simply shake his head, trying to weigh the differences between appreciation and companionship to love and devotion. If what he had with Kang-joon wasn’t love, what was keeping him from getting to that point? What else would he have to do to cross the unspoken line in the sand to embrace what should have been inevitable?

Without realizing, Jinyoung’s frustrations led him back to his rusty habits, the fun-loving yet semi-sarcastic self that Kang-joon had met months ago shifting into a sharp-tongued know-it-all with a tendency to lash out if he didn’t feel like acting on his best behavior. Just like the argument he had started about their dinner the week before that was met with little reaction, Jinyoung continued to nitpick at things Kang-joon probably didn’t even realize he was doing, like assuming Jinyoung’s schedule and making plans for them as a couple or suggesting what classes Jinyoung should be selecting for the Summer semester of his Graduate program. Each time Kang-joon was confronted, he would immediately back down, giving in to whatever Jinyoung wanted, almost as if he had no intentions of ever following through with his own plans. If there was a subtle argument, it was never addressed, Jinyoung making a fuss was something Kang-joon simply rolled his eyes at when he thought he wasn’t looking, Jinyoung silently wishing the other had the guts to finally attempt to put him in his rightful place.

April began with the realization that it had been nearly five months of their relationship, Jinyoung’s time spent rambling in his journal even more intense than before, perhaps even more lively than everything that had fizzled with his boyfriend. Without Mark or Jackson to speak to about the happenings in his life, Jinyoung pulled his emotions down inside, letting them simmer before they would bubble up unexpectedly, pouring them out on paper as if his life depended on it. Jaebum hadn’t tried to contact him since the morning after his night out with Bambam and Yugyeom, leaving Jinyoung unsure if he should be thankful that the other man had listened for the first time in a long time. The questions he had asked Jinyoung that day were painfully branded into the margins of his journal, eyes scanning and rereading them whenever he thought he might be close to an answer. Was he happy with Kang-joon? Sure. Did he love him? Even months after Kang-joon expressed his true feelings, Jinyoung still couldn’t say.

While his original debates were comparing his serious ex to his current beau, everything in that present time leaned more towards the true reason why Jinyoung hesitated with love to begin with, the painful memory still aching in his chest after nearly a decade of time. It was a secret Jinyoung had only shared with two other people in his life besides his own mother, Mark always having his back and Jaebum hearing the story because Jinyoung felt safe enough in love to share it. While most people had written off Jinyoung’s attitude towards most things as “just the way he is,” Jinyoung knew that his ego and cynicism were only partly to blame, knowing the true root of his trust issues and relationship hesitations should seem silly in retrospect. After it had happened, Jinyoung had buried the tale, never thinking about it or addressing its impact on who he had become as a person. But once he had met Jaebum, the issue rose to the surface, pestering him months into the relationship as if it was some internal test he had failed to pass. With all of the analysis he had been making of his current relationship, Jinyoung had finally come to a fork in the road: one side leading him to ignorant bliss, never exposing that side of himself, a silent prayer guiding him through to happier times with Kang-joon, or to the more realistic path, one where Jinyoung would have to be honest with Kang-joon and himself, exposing everything he had been holding back in order to move forward. It had the possibility of turning ugly, but Jinyoung needed to find out the truth eventually, assuming that his true feelings would make themselves known after being completely forthright with the skeletons in his closet.

One weekday after work, Kang-joon had stopped by Jinyoung’s apartment, the two enjoying a homemade meal that he had prepared effortlessly, following a recipe mentally he had made hundreds of times before, mostly for a man who he preferred to not name. After a few glasses of wine, things had gone from cuddly and cozy on his sofa to sensual and steamy in his bedroom, the two ending up breathless after a round of lovemaking in Jinyoung’s bed. With the flimsy cotton sheet pulled across their bodies haphazardly, Kang-joon let Jinyoung rest his head on his chest, pushing the stray pieces of hair that had fallen against his forehead, wiping away a thin layer of perspiration.

“You’re cute when you’re all messy like this,” Kang-joon chuckled, Jinyoung smiling tightly as he listened to the other man go through his usual post-coital compliments. “I mean, you’re cute all the time, but especially now.”

_Yeah, yeah. We get it. Same compliment, different day._

“Thanks,” Jinyoung sighed, absentmindedly dragging his finger down Kang-joon’s stomach. “Was nice.”

“Was nice?” Kang-joon laughed, Jinyoung pouting in annoyance as his head was no longer able to rest against the movements his boyfriend’s body was making. “That’s all you have to say?”

“What, is that a bad way to describe it?” Jinyoung looked up at him, the same faint smile gracing his lips. “It was nice, what more do you want to know?”

“Fair enough,” Kang-joon smiled, adjusting his arm to wrap around Jinyoung’s bare shoulder. “I guess you can save all of your excitement for this weekend.”

“This weekend?” Jinyoung asked, eyebrows bunched together. “What’s this weekend?”

“The banquet, remember?” Kang-joon explained as if he had told him a thousand times, Jinyoung assuming it was brought up and quickly dismissed internally. “It’s where everyone who’s anyone in my field of work comes together and eats, they have a little award ceremony, the whole nine yards. Should be a lot of fun and I’m excited to have you there with me.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung frowned, completely oblivious to the fact that somewhere along the way he had agreed to what sounded like another one of Kang-joon’s evenings of fake smiles and even less genuine conversations. “I’m sorry, but I made other plans. I won’t be able to go with you…”

It wasn’t the total truth; in fact, it was barely the truth, Jinyoung learning to come up with white lies and quick excuses faster than ever before, darting around from reason to reason why he would or wouldn’t do something or why he did or didn’t say the right thing. Dating Kang-joon was like a never-ending marathon of appearances and new faces, Jinyoung always feeling out of place when he couldn’t be included in a conversation or if Kang-joon decided to discuss business off to the side to leave Jinyoung with his trusty old friend, an open bar. If Jinyoung would get drunk, Kang-joon would scold him, begrudgingly sharing a cab on the way back home, acting as if he were too good to be associated with someone who enjoyed the little things in life, like endless free martinis. By avoiding this banquet, Jinyoung could sidestep the awkward tension that seemed to creep in when he and Kang-joon were at odds with one another, almost preferring the disappointed look on Kang-joon’s face in the current moment compared to the shameful glares he giggled at drunkenly at other supposedly “upscale” events.

“But… you promised,” Kang-joon stated flatly, looking directly at Jinyoung’s face. “They’ll be expecting me and someone else. What could you have possibly planned that would be more important than this?”

“Parents,” Jinyoung spat out, licking his lips together nervously. “I told them I’d help them with some family stuff. I’ve already cancelled on them twice…”

“Hm,” Kang-joon nearly laughed, shaking his head before sitting up, knocking Jinyoung over to his own side of the bed. “You’ve never mentioned it before.”

“Yeah, well,” Jinyoung sat up straight, rubbing the side of his head. “Things have been pretty chaotic between my job and getting ready to go back to school. I didn’t mean to leave you in the dark.”

“I didn’t bring it up recently because I thought you’d remember,” Kang-joon explained as he got redressed, not even looking in Jinyoung’s direction as he pulled his pants back up. “Is whatever you’re doing really that important?”

It was the same punch to the gut Jinyoung felt every time Jaebum would compare their prospective paths, Kang-joon sinking lower than Jinyoung had ever noticed before. No matter how hard Jinyoung would try, nothing he could do seemed to compare to anything the men that were interested in him already had done, inflating his feelings of inadequacy to unreasonable levels. Helping his parents was a blatant lie and it was quite possible that Kang-joon could see that, but to insinuate that his plans weren’t important without even asking for a simple detail of what he might actually be doing with them was what hurt Jinyoung the most.

“It’s just one time,” Jinyoung mumbled, staying put in bed, the sheet carelessly draped across his lap. “You don’t have to be such an asshole about it…”

“Me? I’m the asshole?” Kang-joon laughed, Jinyoung watching as the other’s defined physique was covered up by the rest of his clothing. “It was supposed to be one weekend, Jinyoung. Just one. A couple days away from us just sitting around your apartment with the television on for absolutely no good reason because you’re scribbling away in your diary while I’m left to twiddle my thumbs and wonder why you invited me over in the first place.”

_Could it be? The first real sign of conflict? Oh, this is gonna be good._

“You gave me the fucking journal, remember?” Jinyoung stood up, holding the covers to conceal his lower half to not distract from his argument. “Told me that it would help my stress. Seems like you should have just asked me what was on my mind instead of handing me a spiral bound notebook and a pack of pens like I was about to head off to my first day of university.”

“I’m not doing this,” Kang-joon sidestepped the perfectly angled insult Jinyoung had thrown his way, stuffing the rest of his belongings in his workbag, not caring if his suit jacket sleeve seemed to be flopping out of it. “I don’t need you there with me anyway. You’d be hanging out at the bar, getting wasted off of whatever free liquor they were pushing that night while I handled actual business and networking. You’re only a distraction at these types of things, Jinyoung. I’ll let you know if it’s any better without you.”

“Tell me how you really feel,” Jinyoung fired back softly, ego bruised and temper raging calmly in his chest. “If I’m so terrible to be around, how can you say you love me?”

“I’m starting to think that you don’t care if it’s true or not,” Kang-joon stared at him, Jinyoung feeling the last of the color on his face slowly drain away, ashamed that he was being called out so easily. “I don’t know how much longer I can wait to hear you say those words that make all of this worth it.”

Jinyoung wished that Kang-joon knew what lengths he had gone to in order to determine his true feelings. Thinking about the pages in the notebook the other man had apparently regretted gifting him, Jinyoung recalled the sleepless nights and hours spent alone considering not only how he felt, but how his actions were going to affect the life of someone else. It was something he hadn’t experienced in years, living for himself and his own selfish desires for so long. Even after lying awake until the sun was about to rise, Jinyoung never would convince himself of something that wasn’t true, preferring the honest intentions of his actions more than saying anything to make another person happy in the short term only to set himself up for a deeper confrontation in the long term.

“When the time is right,” Jinyoung sighed. “You’ll know.”

“Yeah,” Kang-joon chuckled under his breath, gripping his bag tighter. “I’m not holding my breath.”

Without a second glance, Kang-joon left the bedroom and marched right out of Jinyoung’s apartment, door slamming behind him with more force than Jinyoung thought the other was capable of. It had been their first real fight and he wasn’t sure what to think of it, dropping the blanket in his hand to head to the bathroom, immediately starting a shower. As the scalding hot water fell on his scalp and back, Jinyoung stayed frozen in place, replaying all that had happened. Jinyoung didn’t want to go to another one of Kang-joon’s unnecessary business functions and his parents should have been an easily accepted excuse, but his boyfriend wasn’t having it, practically throwing everything that apparently had been bothering him for months into plain view. The pressure to say three simple words had been too much since the moment they left Kang-joon’s lips, Jinyoung procrastinating the process for as long as he could only to end up accused of never caring in the first place. Sure, he cared for Kang-joon, liked spending time with him most days and was sincerely giving it his best shot to convince himself there was something more to be found between them. But as Jinyoung remembered what falling in love felt like years ago, he nearly fell against the tiles surrounding the stall, wondering if such an intense sensation could ever be associated with anyone other than one person.

 

 

With a weekend to himself, Jinyoung avoided his journal, preferring to keep everything in his aching head as he navigated himself through the park near his old campus with a camera in hand, figuring it was the safest old habit he could revert to. Things were more peaceful when he could focus on capturing beauty that naturally existed, letting his forced thoughts and words wither away the longer he stayed out of his apartment. Stopping for a cup of coffee on campus, Jinyoung strolled along a familiar path with his camera bag slung across his chest, the nutty flavor of the brew warming him up from the inside out. It was quiet even for a weekend, a light breeze filtering through the newly sprouted leaves on the trees that reached across the path to a very familiar sight.

It had been years, but Jinyoung could recognize the library in an instant, the picture perfect structure unchanged since his days of his undergraduate career. A place that should have been hellish and intimidating turned out to be one of the most frequented locations on campus, not only for himself, but for his small group of friends that fell together just as fate had intended. Back then, Jinyoung didn’t need a journal to work out how he felt, staying as honest as he could possibly be even if it meant hurting someone else’s feelings; he was unafraid of the consequences, living for himself and trying to make the most out of a pitiful effort. However, at 25, Jinyoung found himself craving that boldness he wore so well, knowing there was so much Kang-joon should be aware of, from everything he went through with a man named Jaebum and back to the times before where Jinyoung first learned that he had to protect his own heart first before worrying about someone else’s.

 

 

**Jinyoung**

_Hey… hope your trip went well. If you can, would you mind stopping by Tuesday after work? There’s something we should talk about._

 

**Kang-joon**

_Sure, Jinyoung. I think there’s a lot to say._

 

 

Surprised that Kang-joon even replied to his request to see him days after their argument, Jinyoung waited nervously on his living room sofa, bouncing his foot softly against rug below. It hadn’t been easy to swallow his pride and contact the other man first, but things were more likely to continue to spin out of his control if he didn’t step in immediately, knowing what he had to say might change things for good. He’d never admit it, but Jinyoung had practiced everything he wanted to say, needing his point to come across effortlessly and smooth, leaving little room for the other to cut in and control the entire situation. Once everything was out, then Jinyoung could analyze it all, hopefully able to find the answer to the biggest question on his mind: what do I want?

A gentle knock on the door snapped Jinyoung back into his surroundings, slowly moving from the couch to open the door to reveal an obviously tired Kang-joon, prominent bags under his eyes and a sleepy half-hearted grin. Unable to differentiate the feelings in his stomach as romantic butterflies or anxious nerves, Jinyoung leaned in slowly to capture Kang-joon’s lips in the softest kiss before letting him inside, both sitting at opposite ends of the sofa as if the mood had been established long before he had arrived.

“So,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, looking over at Kang-joon leaning against the arm of the couch. “I guess… you’re probably wondering what I want to say.”

“Yes,” Kang-joon confirmed firmly, hands folded in his lap. “I came because it seemed… important to you.”

“It is,” Jinyoung sighed, looking down at his feet. “What I want to say it’s… it’s something only a few people know.”

“Oh,” Kang-joon’s expression morphed from placid to semi-intrigued, posture shifting to a more upright position. “You’re telling me a secret?”

“I don’t know if I’d call it that,” Jinyoung shrugged, fingers nervously twisting together. “It’s just something not many people need to know because it doesn’t affect them.”

“What is it?” Kang-joon asked softly, moving closer to Jinyoung along the sofa’s cushions, one hand gently placed on his back. “I’d like to know.”

“Well,” Jinyoung closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before remembering the starting point he had selected hours ago. “When I first went off to college, I kind of expected that I would find a piece of myself I hadn’t fully realized yet. There was this guy…”

“A guy?” Kang-joon questioned, interrupting Jinyoung’s train of thought early on. “Was he your first?”

“Yes,” Jinyoung bit back the frustrations of being cut off, wanting to be able to express everything he originally had planned. “We met at a party, he was older… a senior, actually. Started talking to me out of nowhere and suddenly Mark had disappeared and I was alone with him. Kept talking, eventually found a door with a lock, you know what happens next. We exchanged numbers and he seemed really sweet and genuine, so I was excited that this new chapter in my life was starting off this way.

“For the next few weeks, he’d text me or call me. Sometimes, we’d meet up for coffee or something to eat on campus, and we’d talk for hours about anything. I had never connected with someone like that before, someone who really seemed to listen and understand me, someone who I felt like I could trust. We were pretty physical and it was nice, but I started to get attached. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.

“I had been in meaningless teenage relationships before,” Jinyoung continued, hoping his story was keeping Kang-joon interested in what he had to say. “You know the kind where you’re absolutely smitten with someone and want to be with them all the time even if it’s damn near impossible to do so? This didn’t feel that way to me. I honestly thought we would find ourselves on the path to an adult relationship, even though I was only 18.”

“But you didn’t,” Kang-joon interjected. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have to tell me this.”

“Please,” Jinyoung mumbled, pushing Kang-joon’s arm away from his side gently. “This is important to me, okay? You were here days ago, making a scene about me not being able to say I love you and I’m trying to explain why relationships are difficult for me. Do you even want to hear the rest of this story or is your mind already made up?”

“Sorry,” Kang-joon apologized, motioning for Jinyoung to continue. “Go ahead.”

“Anyway,” Jinyoung sighed again. “We’re hanging out in the dining hall on campus, having dinner or whatever. I had spent all day working up the courage to tell him that I think we could make things official, you know? That I really liked him and it had been so great getting to know him and if he wanted to wait, I’d understand, but I wanted him to know how I felt. Once I get there and sit across from him, everything seems fine, so I start to bring it up. I say everything I had practiced, smiling like a damn idiot the whole time. You know what he says when I finish?”

“Um,” Kang-joon shrugged, looking around the room. “That he wasn’t ready for it?”

“No,” Jinyoung laughed softly under his breath, shaking his head bitterly. “He told me it wasn’t like that. He literally looked me in the eye and laughed, telling me it was _adorable_ that I thought we could be more than friends. When I told him that I didn’t think anything we were doing would be considered just friends, he freaked out… it was like a total 180 degree turn. He started accusing me of leading him on, luring him into suggestive situations that he never would have agreed to if he had known I was falling in love with him. Apparently, it was an impossibility for someone like me to ever feel something for a guy like him.”

“That’s not very nice,” Kang-joon half-heartedly commented, the thin layer of sympathy easy to see though.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung chuckled, playing with the hem of his sweater. “Before he could leave, I reminded him that he came onto me the night we met, that he was the one making all the first moves. That’s when he decided to let me know his ex had broken up with him earlier that day and I seemed like someone who wouldn’t say no. I was his fucking rebound and he continued to use me until that ex came back into his life. I had never felt more used and humiliated in my life.”

“What happened next?” Kang-joon wondered aloud. “Did you tell him off?”

“Not really,” Jinyoung shrugged. “After explaining that he wasn’t planning on ever speaking to me again, he got up and left. I don’t know if he would have admitted any of that if I hadn’t tried to tell him my true feelings. I know it sounds simple and kind of silly in retrospect because I was young and dumb, but it really ruined my outlook on trust. I don’t like being taken advantage of or manipulated to fit someone’s vision of who I am… all I want is honesty. I mean, I even went through the same thing with Jaebum, I mean-”

“Jaebum?” Kang-joon’s eyes went wide, head dropping down in shock. “Jaebum… that knows Mark? The one from the wedding, Jackson’s best man? That Jaebum?”

_Well, fuck._

“I…,” Jinyoung felt trapped, subconsciously slipping out Jaebum’s name for the first time his entire relationship with Kang-joon, unsure of how he could sidestep any accusations that were about to fly. “Yeah. That Jaebum.”

“You had something with Jaebum?” Kang-joon asked, seeming more interested in this bit of information than he had looked the entire time Jinyoung was explaining the story of his past. “When?”

“College,” Jinyoung rubbed his hands together in his lap nervously. “For… almost three years.”

“Three years?!” Kang-joon exclaimed, standing up almost immediately. “Jaebum was your serious relationship? Why didn’t you tell me it was him before?”

“Because I didn’t want to think of him,” Jinyoung resigned. “Besides, why does it matter? He’s my ex, so what? It doesn’t matter now.”

“Oh, Jinyoung,” Kang-joon licked his bottom lip, biting it into his mouth, laughing silently to himself. “It matters more than ever.”

“I don’t understand,” Jinyoung looked up at the other man, trying to think of his own reasoning that would justify such a reaction. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you who it was sooner, but there’s no need to overreact…”

“Everything makes _so_ much more sense now,” Kang-joon shook his head again, sighing as he paced back and forth slowly. “I should have fucking known.”

“Known what?” Jinyoung felt the beating of his heart race, all of the possibilities swarming his head. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“The night of the wedding, in Hawaii,” Kang-joon stared directly down at Jinyoung, arms crossed firmly. “You weren’t sick at all, were you, Jinyoung?”

“I…,” Jinyoung rubbed the back of his neck nervously, feeling caught in a lie he felt he hid well enough.

“I saw him, you know,” Kang-joon confessed. “I was heading to your room like you asked me to and he was ahead of me. Before I turned the corner to get to your door, I heard him knock and ask to be let in. I waited around that corner for him to come out before I knocked because I was being courteous, you know? I figured you were friends, acquaintances, _something_. After he didn’t leave, that’s when I decided to knock… lovely acting, by the way. I guess being sick is more fun with your ex-boyfriend.”

“That’s not what it seems like,” Jinyoung stood up, hands placed in front of his chest defensively. “I didn’t know he would show up…”

“When you showed up for brunch, you even ordered ginger ale,” Kang-joon recalled. “You kept up the act so no one would catch on, but people knew… didn’t they? Am I the last to find out?”

“No one was supposed to find out,” Jinyoung foolishly argued. “It didn’t matter, we weren’t together!”

“Isn’t it still fucked up to invite me back and get with him instead?” Kang-joon offered back, losing his usually relaxed demeanor more rapidly with every statement. “Maybe this is the perfect time to also ask why you both disappeared together at that holiday party? You were pretty obvious about it, Jinyoung. Fuck, I knew something was up!”

“Nothing else happened!” Jinyoung pleaded, trying to save whatever parts of the relationship he could with his unreliable statements. “It was one night, one huge mistake and I’ve been trying to move past it, okay?”

“Trying? Still?” Kang-joon’s laughter was louder than ever, a sinister tint to his reactions extremely obvious to Jinyoung. “That happened over six months ago. If you aren’t over it yet… oh my god, you’re still in love with him.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Jinyoung gritted through his teeth. “There’s nothing there.”

“Don’t lie to me, Jinyoung!” Kang-joon shouted, the rise in his voice a shock to Jinyoung’s entire system. “We’ve been dating for months and I thought I fucking loved you and now? I don’t even think I knew the real you. I guess I was in love with the idea of who I thought you were. What a waste of my time.”

“Waste of your time?” Jinyoung narrowed his eyes, stepping closer to the other man. “If it’s taken you almost six months to realize that I’m capable of things like this, we weren’t ever going to make it.”

“Good to know,” Kang-joon laughed again, the nervous tension hanging heavy in the air between them. “I bet Jaebum knew how to keep you in check. I mean, three years? That’s a pretty long time.”

“Keep me in check? A long time?” Jinyoung felt his anger overflowing in his stomach, finding it impossible to keep the passive act going. “You have no idea what that relationship was like. Just because you’re insecure about your feelings doesn’t mean you have to drag up my past to justify it.”

“I don’t think insecure is the right word anymore,” Kang-joon sneered. “I think wrong fits quite well. I was wrong about you, Jinyoung. I can’t do this anymore.”

“You’re breaking up with me?” Jinyoung blurted out, surprised Kang-joon could even think of such a thing. “Are you so sure that I’m such an awful person that you can’t even be bothered to consider the things you’ve felt since we met?”

“Maybe if you stopped trying to defend yourself every five seconds and tried to make it seem like you cared about my feelings, things could be different,” Kang-joon explained, heading for the door, Jinyoung following close behind. “Don’t follow me. It’s over.”

“But…,” Jinyoung sighed, effort to block the door wasting away. “I was trying…”

“Maybe in your world you were,” Kang-joon smiled tightly, patting Jinyoung’s shoulder before pushing him aside gently and opening the door, glancing behind him before stepping outside. “Thanks for the fun but… I have to go. Goodbye, Jinyoung.”

Without even a wave, Kang-joon was gone, disappearing from the complex, car ripping through the parking lot and exiting onto Jinyoung’s street for the final time. What had intended to be a day of Jinyoung explaining his past reservations and how they applied to any relationship he attempted to participate in had turned into the worst case scenario, Kang-joon hardly giving any thought to what Jinyoung was so nervous to share, latching onto the one name Jinyoung let slip. While he should have been surprised that Kang-joon knew all along that Jaebum had visited his hotel room that night, Jinyoung accepted his reality, almost relieved he didn’t have to keep the secret in any longer. One night had continued to ruin his life, popping up at the most inconvenient times, leaving Jinyoung to argue with whoever decided to bring it up.

_If only you had told Jaebum no like you were always able to do. Wouldn’t life be easier?_

Once Jinyoung unfroze from leaning his back against his apartment door, he managed to make it to his bed before collapsing on top of it, face buried into his pillow. For someone who liked to feel in charge and on top of the conversation, Jinyoung had now been dumped three times in a row, leaving him completely numb to the sensation. It was almost like none of it had happened at all, everything balled up into one long blur, Jinyoung unable to differentiate his life before or after his now most recent ex-boyfriend’s time with him. Should he be crying? If the relationship went as far as he thought it might, shouldn’t Jinyoung be deep in thought, considering all the ways to amend what had happened with Kang-joon?

_If only you had tried this from the start, maybe it would have saved you not only time, but an entire journal of bullshit thoughts._

Unable to decide between getting up and having a drink or relocating himself to the living room to turn on some mind-numbing television shows, Jinyoung felt his eyes grow heavier, falling into a much needed sleep. Disconnecting from reality, Jinyoung felt free enough to dream about whatever decided to pop into his head, visions of his past and present twirling around in crazy patterns that kept his mind reeling into the morning. The most vivid of all happened to be the feeling Jinyoung had buried deep down inside from when Jaebum had included a photo of him in his display in the library shortly after their relationship had started, Jinyoung’s mind reminding him how surprised and honored he felt, shocked that the other man would include him in something so obviously representational of himself. Even in his dreams, Jinyoung could feel the warmth of the light filtering in through the library windows, the way the sun felt on his back as he worked on whatever classwork he could while Jaebum finished up his tasks during his final semester.

Maybe seeing the library while Kang-joon was away was a reassuring sign, a symbol that no matter what, the past was always a part of him, something that couldn’t be changed. As Jinyoung found himself waking up slowly, the sky outside was still a deep black, a few twinkling stars making their way through the light pollution. As he noticed it was only a little after two in the morning, Jinyoung unlocked his phone, feeling bold enough to text the only person that would know how he was feeling, the only one who could get why he was feeling so lost. With a few clicks on his screen, Jinyoung silently prayed that the dull ache of the breakup would be lost quickly with this different conversation, holding out for any advice that could help him get back to his true potential.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Am I allowed to text you?_

 

**Jaebum**

_Would my answer stop you either way?_

 

**Jinyoung**

_You know me so well._

 

**Jaebum**

_Knew. I knew you so well._

 

Jinyoung had spent a good portion of his journal listing out pro and con lists to Jaebum, ones that analyzed his time in their relationship, to newer ones where Jinyoung was convinced the new Jaebum and old Jaebum could not possibly be the same person. But as his attitudes had changed, Jinyoung no longer wanted to separate the two; it wasn’t realistic to think Jaebum had completely turned his back on everything he was for 23 years of his life. There was no good reason to contact Jaebum other than the fact that he was probably the only person who could reply rationally, Jinyoung still somewhat angry with the two youngest in their prank to trick him into thinking they would actually get him a real cab home. Looking at the words on his screen again, he continued to wonder what could have caused Jaebum to say what he did, mind filtering through all of the possibilities that it could lead to, wishing he still had that spark that made things so simple years ago.

 

**Jinyoung**

_Why can’t things ever be easy?_

 

**Jaebum**

_Because the easy way is never the best. Goodnight, Jinyoung._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hey? Sorry it's been a while! As most of you know if you follow me on Twitter or my other stories, I was sick on and off for most of the month and then went out of town so... yeah. Messy month! But we're here now.
> 
> There it is! The breakup I know most of you have been waiting for. I know it's been hard for me to feel inspired writing about a ship that isn't even close to being even a percentage canon, so it will be nice to have this out of the way for more to happen.
> 
> What do you all think of Jinyoung's backstory before he even knew who Jaebum was? Do you think it should still be impacting him 7 years later or is it a crutch to cover up why he actually still feels hurt? How do you think Jaebum reacted to it when Jinyoung told him when they were dating?
> 
> My biggest question would be to see what you guys think will happen next! With 7 chapters to go, lots of room for possibilities.
> 
> Thank you as always for being so patient and lovely - I'm sorry if I haven't replied to comments, I'll be doing that this weekend :) For updates about all my stories, feel free to follow me on twitter (and bother me, I don't mind)!
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twitter/tumblr: link in profile :)


	14. Chapter 14

“You look like shit.”

Months had passed since their argument on the phone, Mark wearing a well-deserved smirk as Jinyoung joined him inside of a booth in the back corner of the restaurant, head hanging low. While it was the longest they had gone without speaking, Jinyoung was quick to swallow his pride and phone Mark one afternoon shortly after being dumped by Kang-joon, voice cracking almost instantaneously as he mentioned what had happened. Unlike the previous time Jinyoung had called Mark after being broken up with, Mark didn’t immediately rush over or offer any in-person help as there was still somewhat of a divide between them given the information Jinyoung had withheld from the night of the wedding, but he offered his ear to let the newly-single man rant and cry it out. No advice was given, no reassurances were mentioned and the only thing offered was an invitation to meet up and see each other in person to sort their issues out.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung mumbled, flipping open the laminated menu placed in front of his spot on the table. “What would I do without you…”

“Hey now,” Mark giggled softly, nudging Jinyoung’s leg with his foot under the table, trying to keep the mood light even though nothing had been discussed yet. “I hope you aren’t going to mope all meal.” 

“I won’t,” Jinyoung looked up, a small smile on his face. “To tell you the truth, I really haven’t been other than those few days after… whatever happened. It’s… a little strange.” 

“Well, it’s not like you loved him,” Mark shrugged, thanking the waitress as she brought them some water, leaving them to make their final decisions on what to eat. “I mean, you didn’t _not_ care about him, but it certainly wasn’t as deep as it could have been.”

“True,” Jinyoung sighed, running his fingertips along the edge of the menu. “But I don’t even want to get into that. I need to tell you I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Mark teased, a tiny giggle barely hiding the actual hurt he had expressed to Jinyoung during their fight.

“For keeping that from you,” Jinyoung folded his hands on the edge of the table, voice firm. “Not that you had a right to know every detail, but I think it would have helped explain a lot of things. I didn’t expect anyone to find out and… I hurt Jackson, too. He didn’t deserve to find out that way, either.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Mark countered, expression softened as he looked across the table. “I shouldn’t have ripped you apart like that. Like you said, I didn’t need to know everything. I should have been more present in talking to you. Jackson and I kind of forced you two to share a lot of time together during the wedding, it was a bit selfish.”

“It was your big day,” Jinyoung smiled. “Don’t share any of the blame for what two grown men decided to do.” 

“It was a bit shocking,” Mark sighed, pausing only to place his order, letting Jinyoung give his to the waitress as well before continuing. “I never would have thought Jaebum would cheat on someone. Even if there would always be tension between you both that could only be cured by something physical, I would have guessed you both would try to wait it out.” 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung sunk back against the plush plastic of the booth, sighing. “I was in denial of how much I wanted him. He just showed up at my hotel room while I was waiting for Kang-joon, asked to come in, then kissed me. It was like a switch, nothing was going to stop us.”

“Even Kang-joon knocking at the door?” Mark snickered softly, Jinyoung kicking him back under the table.

“Even that,” Jinyoung straightened his back, running his fingers through his gently-styled locks. “Who would have guessed that he knew it was a lie the entire time?”

“Maybe it was all the ginger ale you drank the next day,” Mark giggled. “No one likes ginger ale _that_ much.”

“I’m pretty sure I felt sicker after brunch than I lied about being the night before,” Jinyoung chuckled, shaking his head and rubbing his face. “It was hard to believe anyone would want to see me after being stood up the night before, but it didn’t even matter in the end.”

“Have you heard from him?” Mark asked, sipping his drink. “He doesn’t seem like the type to completely cut you off." 

“I did,” Jinyoung shrugged. “He called one day after you called me. I guess I had left some things at his place and he wanted to know when I could come get them.”

“And?” Mark prodded. “Did you go over his place or did he swing by yours?”

“Neither,” Jinyoung stated simply. “I told him to throw it all away. Then, he hung up on me.”

“Ouch,” Mark laughed, forcing a smile onto Jinyoung’s face that slowly turned into laughter, the two boys finally on the same page again about the entire situation. “That’s classic. Dare I say… the Jinyoung I once knew and always loved has returned?”

“He’s clawed his way back, unfortunately,” Jinyoung grinned, shrugging off the observation. “Hopefully, only the good parts stay. I’m not looking to cause anyone emotional harm that hasn’t already hurt me first.”

“You’ve really matured, Jinyoungie,” Mark smiled, shaking his head. “Don’t get too soft on me, okay?”

“It is me we’re talking about here,” Jinyoung smiled back. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

 

 

After they had finished their lunch together, Jinyoung and Mark left the restaurant, walking down a few storefronts to pick up some coffees, taking a relaxing walk around the area. It was a pleasant spring day, sun shining brightly as they strolled around, catching up on everything that had happened since they were last truly connected. Jinyoung offered more details about his relationship with Kang-joon, all about how he felt that he gave it his best shot, but his heart just wasn’t in it in the end. Even without being exposed for the lie that ultimately unraveled their relationship, Jinyoung confessed that it wouldn’t have amounted into anything worthwhile, both men just biding their time until one of them would have had to admit that it wasn’t going to work out. On the other hand, Mark only had entertaining updates to share about his relationship with Jackson, the pair still going strong after being married for six full months, the subtle changes that came with being more than official more humorous than difficult to process.

“Do you know what Jackson brought up the other night?” Mark smiled, looking over at Jinyoung as they walked along the sidewalk. “Kids. Children. A baby.”

“A _baby_?” Jinyoung practically spit his drink out, pausing as he hissed in response. “You’re gonna have a _child_? What happened to you guys? Where are the kids who used to skip class to smoke a bowl in the photo lab? Or the ones who would hook up in the library bathroom while Jaebum was on duty?” 

“Hey, we’re still here!” Mark laughed, nudging Jinyoung’s arm. “The baby isn’t coming into the picture anytime soon, even if Jackson whines about it almost daily.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re fucking married and talking about _starting a family_ ,” Jinyoung practically whispered, acting as if it were some taboo act for a couple to start being interested in expanding their family. “Way to make me feel like I’m behind in life.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Mark giggled, “for Jackson’s birthday, we got super baked and went to the movies because he didn’t want to do anything fancy. I don’t think the moms taking their children to see the latest Pixar feature appreciated two men giggling from the previews all the way until the end, but what can you do?”

“Good to know some things never change,” Jinyoung laughed softly, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I wasn’t around to celebrate with you guys.”

“Hey, no big deal,” Mark smiled, shrugging a bit. “How about you make it up to him by stopping by the house on your way back home today?”

“Consider it done,” Jinyoung nodded, agreeing to the easy suggestion.

“I should warn you,” Mark stopped, tossing out his empty cup in a nearby trashcan before turning to face Jinyoung. “He’s already in babyproofing mode. You can’t say a word.”

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung cracked up, covering his mouth with his hand as he giggled, throwing away his trash before following Mark back towards the parking lot. “You guys are going to be parents before you know it.”

“I said... don’t say a word,” Mark scolded, giving Jinyoung a warning glance.

“The house should be sanitized from the top down,” Jinyoung teased further, ducking out of the path of a soft shove from Mark. “That baby doesn’t deserve to be raised in what was once your personal sex playground.”

“Jinyoung!” Mark laughed, failing at keeping his obvious amusement at bay. “Jackson is going to kill us both if you say a damn thing!”

“Time to pack away the sex toys and lube,” Jinyoung shouted, starting to run across the parking lot towards his car, Mark trailing close behind. “No more late nights smoking by the firepit!" 

“Park Jinyoung, you have lost your fucking mind!” Mark smiled, reaching out to try and catch the younger man, both out of breath and on the brink of giggles.

“Have I?” Jinyoung smiled brightly, turning to face the other as he reached the driver’s side door of his vehicle. “I think it suits me.”

“You know,” Mark smiled, walking backwards towards his own car, “it’s good to have you back.”

“It feels good to be back,” Jinyoung grinned before sharing a nod, climbing in the front seat before starting his car up to make the familiar trip back to Mark and Jackson’s welcoming home.

 

 

On the drive over, Jinyoung thought of all the ways he could apologize to Jackson, not only regarding missing his birthday, but also for how he had to deal with the weight of Jaebum’s subtle confession. In Jinyoung’s final year of college, Jackson had become one of his closest friends, someone he could rely on even when anyone else was around; that friendship had only become stronger over the years spent in each other’s lives. The fact that Jackson was so sensitive to his friends’ well-beings and happiness only made Jinyoung feel guiltier, hoping that the blond wasn’t going to hold a small grudge as he had seen him do in the past with other people. Even if Jackson wasn’t completely forgiving at first, Jinyoung would have to understand, knowing he wasn’t the easiest at accepting words like _I’m sorry_ without more thought. However, as Jinyoung walked up to the front door, debating his entire speech for Jackson’s consideration, the door burst open, Jackson running down the few stairs and tackling Jinyoung in a huge hug, strong arms gripping him tight. 

“Um,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, frozen in place as Jackson didn’t let up. “I’m here to apologize…”

“I forgive you,” Jackson sighed, Jinyoung unsure if the sniffling he was hearing was a figment of his imagination or just Jackson being, well, Jackson. “You don’t have to say anything else, okay? I’m fine as long as Mark is.”

“Yeah? Good,” Jinyoung patted Jackson’s back gently, the blond finally loosening his grip and pulling away slowly, stealthily wiping his eyes clear of tears. “I really am sorry for everything.” 

“I know,” Jackson smiled, beginning to walk back into the house, Jinyoung close behind. “You may think you’re a jerk, but I’ve seen worse.”

“Anytime I’m not the worst, I consider it a victory,” Jinyoung chuckled, sliding his shoes off once they were both inside, Mark bringing some tea and snacks over into the living room for all of them to share. Sitting in his usual seat on the couch, Jinyoung bit his tongue as he began to observe the tiny changes Jackson had enacted, like the rubber protectors on the corners of the coffee table or outlet covers plugged into every slot around the room. As Jackson turned on the television, flipping through the channels, Jinyoung’s gaze met Mark’s, the older boy scolding him with a glance, Jinyoung softly giggling in response before drinking more of the tea in front of him. Once Jackson had found something to have on in the background, he turned to face the others, nibbling on some of the snacks Mark had brought out.

“So,” Jackson began, mouth still half-full of crunchy crackers. “You’re really done with Kang-joon?”

“Obviously,” Jinyoung sighed, leaning back. “It’s the strangest thing. I’m not mad or upset, the crying was done within days, and that was mostly me feeling bad about myself. I feel… nothing.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” Mark asked. “Sometimes it’s good to clear your head.”

“You’re right,” Jinyoung shrugged, placing his cup on the table, Jackson immediately lifting it up before placing a coaster underneath. “I’ve been able to get a lot done since it all went down.” 

“Really?” Mark raised an eyebrow. “Like what? Finally stocking your fridge with edible food and drinks that aren’t strictly alcoholic?”

“Yes, I went grocery shopping,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “But I also cleaned out my apartment, registered for all my classes, got everything ready for them to start…”

“Aw, our little Jinyoungie,” Mark giggled, leaning over the couch to pinch Jinyoung’s cheek. “Growing up and going to school like a big boy!” 

“Are you practicing, too?” Jinyoung smirked, swatting his hand away. “Jackson is prepping the house for the baby and you’re already getting the voice down… how adorable!” 

“Shut up,” Mark mumbled, shoving Jinyoung’s arm gently before they all laughed together, a tight-knit group of friends that felt nearly complete. As their laughter died down, Jinyoung recognized the sinking feeling in his chest, the same that he experienced after Jaebum had left for his new job, the obvious absence once again too large to ignore. There they were, all in one place; Mark had Jackson and Jackson had Mark, but who did Jinyoung have? Was he comfortable enough to be the third wheel again while the other two were so clearly smitten with each other, perhaps more so than ever before? Or would he slip into an obvious fog of thoughts of who _should_ have been there with them, who _should_ have been within their little group after all these years?

_Oh no. Here we go again._

“Have you heard from him?”

Jinyoung’s head snapped in Jackson’s direction, the other man sheepishly drinking from his cup as Mark eyed them both carefully. It was a delicate subject that had been danced around all day, Jinyoung preferring to ignore the topic in favor in shoving his attention back to Mark and Jackson. While he considered his actions kind and well-intentioned, the others seemed like they knew the truth, waiting patiently for Jinyoung to answer the simple question.

“No,” Jinyoung stated clearly. “I haven’t talked to him since…”

“Since what?” Mark asked, clearly interested in whatever details Jinyoung was on the brink of sharing.

“Since he picked me up from the bar one night,” Jinyoung sighed, fidgeting with the cup in his hands. “I went out with Bambam and Yugyeom one night and couldn’t drive myself home and they called him to pick me up.”

“And you willingly went in his car?” Jackson giggled, amused by the small prank the younger friends had pulled. “You must have been wasted.” 

“I was,” Jinyoung continued, explaining the night as he tried to decide how many details he actually felt compelled to share. “I fell asleep in the car and woke up at his place. Before I had a cab pick me up to take me home, he asked me… some questions.” 

“Yeah?” Mark leaned in closer, acting as the supportive best friend he always was. “Like what?”

“If I was happy, if I loved him…,” Jinyoung trailed off, looking down at his lap. “I didn’t want to answer any of it. He didn’t need to know anything.”

“Of course he didn’t,” Mark agreed. “You know how he is, though. He’s patient until something snaps inside of him and then he just…”

“I know,” Jinyoung sighed, closing his eyes. “I know his patterns.”

“That’s the last time you spoke?” Jackson asked, gentle with his tone. “I’m surprised he didn’t somehow find out about the breakup and at least attempt to call you.”

“Well, I… um,” Jinyoung looked up, focusing on a space of wall between his friends. “I may have texted him… the night Kang-joon and I broke up.” 

“No way,” Mark bit his lip, holding back an obvious burst of giggles that Jackson let slip instead. “Oh, Jinyoungie…”

“Shut up!” Jinyoung reached over, tossing a throw pillow in their direction, both of them cackling and ducking out of the way. “I was upset and also not on speaking terms with either of you, I was weak and vulnerable!”

“What the hell did you even say?” Mark asked, a wicked grin on his face as he imitated Jinyoung typing on his phone. “Jaebum, Kang-joon is finally out of here… you up?”

“Ugh,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, nearly slamming his cup on the table. “Nothing like that! It was only a sentence or two, it was no big deal.”

“Fine,” Mark waved him off, smiling in amusement. “So, if that’s the actual last time you spoke, what does it mean?”

“What do you mean what does it mean?” Jinyoung frowned, eyebrows crinkling together.

“You know,” Jackson interjected, using his fingers as a visual aide. “You, single. Jaebum, single. You and Jaebum… single, together?”

“That’s not how it works, Jackson,” Jinyoung informed the blond sitting across from him. “I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. I’m not looking to get into anything at the moment, either.”

“Well, which is it?” Mark asked. “Do you not know how you feel? Or do you not want to date at all?”

“Both,” Jinyoung explained. “I have to figure out how I feel about everything before making myself available to anyone again. I think that’s important.”

“It is,” Mark countered, “but isn’t it obvious?" 

“What?” Jinyoung looked at Mark, then at Jackson and back again. “Is what obvious?”

“That you still love him,” Jackson scoffed, seemingly personally offended by Jinyoung’s faux oblivious attitude. “Idiot.” 

“Jackson!” Mark laughed, throwing the pillow from earlier at his face before turning to Jinyoung. “I mean… he _is_ right, Jinyoung. You still love him.”

Jinyoung couldn’t admit it. After reuniting with Jaebum at the bachelor parties before the wedding, Jinyoung had felt the resurgence of feelings from head to toe. Everything that followed had been affected, from the morning after, to finding out Jaebum wasn’t exactly single. It haunted him at the rehearsal dinner and hung over his head like a dark cloud as Mark and Jackson had read their vows on their wedding day. But after making the mistake of hooking up with someone he knew he still had romantic feelings for, Jinyoung blocked it out as best as he could, falling into a rhythm with Kang-joon. With that roadblock gone and his ability to think clearly slowly returning, Jinyoung was running out of excuses, unable to look either of his friends in the eye with the lies he was thinking about.

“Whatever,” Jinyoung mumbled, shoving a cookie from the tray on the table into his mouth. “Jackson, tell about the baby names you’re thinking about…”

With an excited yelp from Jackson and an annoyed low groan from Mark, Jinyoung had once again shifted the conversation exactly where he wanted it to be: away from his clear insecurities about his true feelings for a man that should have written him off years ago.

 

 

Jinyoung spent the remaining weeks before classes would start going through the usual routine: wake up, go to work, run an errand or two, go home. While it was mundane and, at times, lonelier than ever before, the predictable order of events kept his mind from reeling too far, the questions and answers he seemed to need pushed off until there would be no choice but to confront them. Mark and Jackson kept in touch more frequently, the three even meeting up with Bambam and Yugyeom for a drink or two, Jinyoung more introverted than he seemed to be previously. While Mark and Jackson were the obvious couple, Bambam and Yugyeom weren’t necessarily romantically involved, but appeared to be eerily connected mentally, both men sharing the same thoughts and feelings towards most of the topics discussed. Jinyoung couldn’t help but notice the vacant space next to him in the booth, downing the rest of his drink before any specific names came to mind.

The day after his evening out with friends, Jinyoung stopped by the local craft store, wandering the aisles, trying to act like he didn’t know exactly what he went there for. After weaving his way through the framing department and passing by an elaborate display of acrylic paints, he found himself in front of the notebooks and journals, hundreds of options at his fingertips. If one good thing came of dating Kang-joon, it was the idea of having a place to vent, a space that he could make whatever he wanted it to be for that moment, Jinyoung missing the blank canvas it provided ever since he tossed the “gift” from his ex-boyfriend into the back of his closet after their breakup. By purchasing a new journal, Jinyoung would feel his complete self-control over it, knowing he did this for himself, because he wanted to, not because his ugly excuse for an ex-partner thought he had too much on his mind that might have possibly come between them.

_Not too far off from the truth, no?_

After selecting a wire-bound notepad with a thick plastic cover, Jinyoung decided to pick up a few pens on his way to the register, smiling brightly as he placed everything on the counter to pay. Since everything had fallen apart in October of the year prior, he slowly began to feel more and more victorious, gaining a new job, a fresh outlook on improving himself academically and the ability to listen to his own thoughts and feelings without someone by his side. Even when the empty space next to him felt too obvious, Jinyoung kept looking ahead, telling himself if fate did it once, it could do it again.

 

 

A couple of days before Jinyoung was to begin his stacked schedule that would not only involve his usual full-time work hours, but also his after-work academics, he decided to call Mark, hoping to connect and set up a time to have a pre-semester drink as graduate school didn’t naturally lead to a raucous party before Monday classes. If he had told himself he would have considered going back for further education in any case at his graduation four years ago, the younger Jinyoung would have chuckled and patted his back, wishing him _the best of luck_ in the most sarcastic tone imaginable. Jinyoung smiled to himself as he considered the reaction, feeling a tiny bit of pride well up inside of his chest, recognizing his own personal growth that had perhaps taken longer than it should have.

After selecting Mark’s number within his contacts, Jinyoung lounged back on his couch, slipping a bookmark in to hold his place of the paperback in his lap, holding the phone to his ear.

“Jinyoung!” A voice that was most certainly not Mark’s answered right away, Jinyoung smiling to himself at Jackson’s quick reaction. “It’s Jackson!”

“I’m aware,” Jinyoung laughed quietly. “Where’s Mark? Not that I mind speaking to you…”

“I see how it is, Jinyoung,” Jackson giggled. “He’s actually in the middle of shooting a wedding all day. I’m here with him helping… kind of. He told me to get something from the car and then you called.”

“Well, I don’t want to hold you up,” Jinyoung replied, knowing it would be awhile before he’d be able to get Mark on the phone with Jackson in charge of it. “I was just wondering if you both would be free tomorrow to get a drink or something, you know… celebrate my last day of partial freedom before I have no time to myself outside of work and class.” 

“Oh, that’s really nice of you to ask, Jinyoung,” Jackson began, Jinyoung already recognizing the tone of the other’s voice shift. “We really would love to, but Mark has another wedding booked and I’m sort of on duty with him… I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung smiled. “Seriously, I see you guys all the time. Just thought it’d be nice to pick up an old tradition.”

“Hey, how about he and I take you out at the end of next week?” Jackson countered. “It might not be like old times, but I bet you’ll need it once it’s the weekend. What do you say?” 

“That sounds great,” Jinyoung answered, sitting up. “Have Mark call me when he’s not so busy, okay? Good luck with your busy weekend.”

“Thanks, Jinyoung,” Jackson replied gleefully. “See you next weekend!”

With a goodbye, Jinyoung hung up, getting off the couch and walking into his kitchen to prepare himself something to eat. The tiny cactus from Jaebum’s unwelcome Christmas gift was still thriving on his windowsill, Jinyoung sprinkling the soil with a tiny bit of water before moving along to open his cabinets, selecting something boxed to create. Five weeks had passed since he texted Jaebum after getting his ego stepped on (which had been way easier than getting his heart broken) by Kang-joon, Jinyoung leaving the short conversation to rot in his messages. Neither he nor Jaebum seemed to know what to do with whatever had been left between them, Jinyoung still unsure of himself and his actual feelings, Jaebum completely silent, obeying Jinyoung wish to not reach out to him under any circumstance.

_Perhaps listening to you is one of his flaws, don’t forget to write that down later._

After making and enjoying his dinner as much as he could while the immense dread of school beginning again hung over his head, Jinyoung returned to his new journal, sitting on his bed as he scribbled out new thoughts that had come to him throughout the course of the day. Only a handful of pages in, the new notebook was already a welcome distraction, feeling more personal than the one he was given previously. It was his choice to buy it and use it; Jinyoung recalled the hints of guilt he would do his best to ignore whenever he would spend pages and pages complaining about Kang-joon on the very pages given to him by that man. There was no pressure to find himself or figure himself out through his words, just an open landscape to get all his feelings out, no matter how happy or sad it seemed.

As Jinyoung wrote whatever was on the top of his mind onto the next page, he heard a faint tap on his window frame followed by another sound shortly after, the man suddenly too distracted to continue whatever was on his mind. The tapping continued in a staggered pattern, Jinyoung swinging his legs off the side of the bed to get up, going over and pulling the blinds open, peering down to the area below. Jinyoung didn’t know what he should have expected, but nowhere on that list would have been Jaebum and his motorcycle, a handful of gravel suddenly concealed behind his back. With a sigh, Jinyoung unlatched his window, sliding it up in order to speak to the other easily. Looking at Jaebum again, Jinyoung’s line of sight met Jaebum’s, the two staring at each other for a moment before Jinyoung decided to break the silence.

“What are you doing here?” Jinyoung asked, still somewhat stunned to see the other man. “And why didn’t you just knock like a normal person?”

“Would you have answered?” Jaebum shouted up, making sure his voice would reach Jinyoung’s range. “Jackson told me you were looking to let off some steam before your classes start, and I figured I’d swing by.”

“Just like that?” Jinyoung scoffed, rolling his eyes a bit. “The invitation wasn’t directed at you, Jaebum. I should have known he would tell you. Why is everyone out to get me?”

“They aren’t,” Jaebum grinned, helmet tucked under his arm. “Now, do you want to go for a ride?”

“A ride?” Jinyoung asked, face paling at the thought of his arms wrapped across Jaebum’s chest. “With you?”

“Do you see another person here with a bike?” Jaebum laughed. “Come on, get down here.”

“But it’s late,” Jinyoung mentioned, his flimsy excuse for an argument forcing Jaebum to laugh to himself. “Are you sure we’ll be okay?”

“It will be fine,” Jaebum smiled. “Trust me, okay?”

Sighing to himself, Jinyoung considered the phrase. When was the last time he trusted Jaebum outside of the ride he provided after his ill-fated bar trip with Bambam and Yugyeom? He didn’t trust Jaebum at the holiday party and he certainly didn’t trust him at the wedding, so why start so late at night on the back of his motorcycle? Yet, a part of him knew there was little to doubt, understanding that Jaebum would always be Jaebum, never one to purposefully hurt Jinyoung unless he actually deserved it, telling himself that saying yes would be another new beginning in his life post-Kang-joon, figuring he at least trusted himself enough to be able to understand this would all need to happen eventually to figure out his true feelings towards the other man. 

_Okay, and maybe riding the motorcycle is a lot of fun. Admit it._

“I’ll be down in a few,” Jinyoung caved. “Give me a second.”

Unable to bear the grin that Jaebum wore so well, Jinyoung tried not to gag as he shut and locked his window before changing into a pair of jeans with sneakers, finding his own leather jacket sorted deep into his closet. Keys in his pocket, Jinyoung headed out and down the stairs to the main entrance, pushing the door open as he made the short walk around the side of the building to where Jaebum had parked. Peering around the corner, Jinyoung felt a chill up his spine as he realized that yeah, this was _real_ and _actually happening_ , heartbeat rapidly picking up its pace with each step, Jinyoung swearing the butterflies had returned to his stomach instantaneously. After all the years apart, there was still something inside of him that flipped a switch whenever he was near Jaebum, something that never forced itself on when he was with anyone else, from Hyuk to Kang-joon or anyone in between. Jinyoung could admit the feeling was unique, but he wasn’t about to confess that only one man could make him feel the distinct sensation. 

“Well,” Jinyoung stated, standing directly in front of Jaebum once he had approached the other. “I’m here.”

“Good,” Jaebum smiled, reaching over to his bike, offering the other helmet to him. “I’m glad you’re up for it.”

“Under one condition,” Jinyoung placed the helmet on his head, adjusting the fasteners in place. “You have to answer a question.”

“Shoot,” Jaebum replied, getting his own helmet back on, securing the strap under his chin. 

“The first time I rode this,” Jinyoung motioned to his right, gesturing at the bike, “before we took off, after I had my arms around you… you said something. What did you say?” 

“What?” Jaebum laughed softly, shaking his head. “How do you remember such a small detail like that for so long?” 

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung blushed, thankful for the presence of the bulky helmet concealing it away from the other. “I just… remember a lot of things.”

“I know,” Jaebum replied, fixing up his jacket as he seemed to hesitate to reply.

“So?” Jinyoung prodded. “Do you remember?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum sighed, glancing down to the ground and back up at him. “You… flinched when the bike started. I said… _I got you. I’ve always got you, don’t worry_.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung felt his stomach drop, his mind trying to process the fact that Jaebum had said all of that knowing that Jinyoung might not notice or remember. “I see.” 

“Yeah,” Jaebum rubbed the back of his neck nervously before shrugging, moving over to the bike and swinging his leg over, nodding in Jinyoung’s direction to motion him to do the same. Almost wishing he hadn’t asked, Jinyoung moved closer, using the other’s body to brace himself as he got on behind him, cautiously moving his arms around Jaebum’s middle yet again. As the bike started up, Jinyoung stayed still, Jaebum apparently having nothing to say as they started to ride, the younger man wishing he had asked where they would be heading before agreeing to such a thing. 

Riding along with Jaebum was a different experience at night rather than the morning after falling asleep at his apartment, the streaks of bright lights lining the path Jaebum took, the chill of the evening air stinging his face the faster Jaebum went. It was thrilling and calm all at the same time, Jinyoung’s arms locking tighter around Jaebum as he took turns and switched lanes, still attempting to figure out their final destination. Once they had passed the edge of the city and started to head into more spacious areas, Jinyoung clicked the pieces together in his mind, remembering an overlook on the outskirts of town that Jaebum took him to once when he wanted to capture the skyline in its pink and blue soft glow. As Jaebum began to accelerate up a hill, Jinyoung’s suspicions were confirmed as they passed a sign indicating the stop up ahead, Jaebum slowing down, braking as he pulled into the small dusty lot. Once steady in place, Jinyoung climbed off, Jaebum following as he unsnapped his helmet, taking Jinyoung’s and placing them on the bike before beginning to walk.

“You couldn’t tell me where we were going before we left?” Jinyoung asked, following close behind. “You know I don’t like surprises.”

“I know you don’t,” Jaebum chuckled, leading them along a dirt path secluded by trees. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

“I don’t know if I should take offence to that or not,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t know how to feel about any of this, to be honest.”

“Don’t think about it too much,” Jaebum smiled, finally leading them to an open clearing near the edge of the hill, a perfect view of the city lighting up the space below. “Just… relax.”

“Easy for you to say,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, plopping down on a bench near the railing running along the edge. “You were always the easy-going one.”

“True,” Jaebum nodded in agreement, taking a seat next to Jinyoung. “Still am.”

“Aware,” Jinyoung sighed, leaning his arms forward along the railing, chin resting on top. For a moment, neither of them spoke, the only background sound coming from the wind rustling the tree tops. Jinyoung had gotten so used to the space next to him feeling vacant and open, but with Jaebum by his side, it was almost too stuffy, too full even in the open air. Closing his eyes, Jinyoung thought back to the last time they were here, when Jaebum set up his tripod and camera in order to capture a timelapse of the area below, convincing Jinyoung that making out on the exact bench they sat on was the best idea to pass the time. Jinyoung began to realize how long ago some of his memories were created, the bittersweet taste of everything he remembered starting to fade.

_What good are memories when their connection to you doesn’t exist anymore? How long can you hold onto something before it completely fades, slipping away forever?_

“When’s the last time you were truly happy?”

Jinyoung spoke the question elegantly, but firm, lifting his head up and looking back at the other man who was sitting still with his hands folded in his lap. With his hair messy from the helmet, the two perfect dots that decorated his left eyelid were more obvious than ever, almost as if someone above had darkened them over time. For the first time all night, Jaebum wasn’t exactly smiling, teetering on the verge of expressionless with his lips in a firm line, parting slightly as he considered his response. 

“Why are you asking me?” Jaebum inquired, tilting his head slightly to the side.

“Please,” Jinyoung shifted, facing Jaebum more head-on. “I just need to know.”

“Well, I guess…,” Jaebum trailed off, moving his line of sight from Jinyoung’s face back to the city, sighing deeply. “It’s been years. Over two and a half years ago.”

“But that’s…,” Jinyoung did the math quickly in his head even though the insinuated timeline was obvious to both of them.

“Yeah,” Jaebum looked down at his lap, blinking slowly. “I know.” 

Jinyoung sunk back against the bench, hands nervously fidgeting with the bottom of his jacket. Surprising wasn’t the exact word Jinyoung would pick as he had practically cornered Jaebum into the response, but it was the way he so easily admitted it, not fighting Jinyoung’s inquiry in the slightest. If the tables would have been turned and if Jaebum would have been the one asking, Jinyoung could have predicted more eye rolls and scoffing than any one person should be capable of, dodging the questions a little too obviously. But Jaebum didn’t ask for his own opinion, didn’t ask when was when the last time Jinyoung was truly happy and for that, the younger man was truly thankful because he didn’t believe his heart could bear the reply.

_It’s the same for me, too, Jaebum. Over two and a half years ago._

“Ready?” Jaebum stood up abruptly, Jinyoung taking it as a sign to do the same. “Let me take you home.”

With a nod, Jinyoung joined Jaebum in taking the path back to the bike, walking side-by-side just as they had at their best friends’ wedding, the complete silence and darkness a stark contrast to the light and airy surroundings that led up to the altar where Jinyoung found himself questioning everything he had felt for the other man.

 

Riding back, Jinyoung was stuck in his own head, Jaebum completely silent after saying he would be taking Jinyoung home. Between him showing up at the apartment unannounced, to his reply to Jinyoung’s questions, Jaebum’s general presence still remained a mystery, something Jinyoung both wanted to ignore yet completely decode as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, being stuck in his own head let the ride pass by easily, Jaebum’s motorcycle pulling up to a stop at the front entrance before he could begin to process anything beyond the surface. As Jinyoung went to slide off the bike and return the helmet to Jaebum, the older man was following suit, turning the bike off and removing his own helmet, expression even more cloudy than it had been at the small park. Jinyoung reminded himself that he was good at this, he was _great_ at this, having an uncanny ability to read people’s body language and facial expressions without breaking a sweat. But Jaebum had always been the exception, Jinyoung nearly giving up before speaking.

“What?” Jinyoung squinted. “Why are you acting so weird? Well, weirder than you did the rest of the night, at least.”

“It’s… I’m,” Jaebum began, sighing for what seemed to be the tenth time of the night. “Well, fuck. Okay… I have something to say.” 

“Okay?” Jinyoung placed a hand on his own hip, trying to put on an act of impatience. “Let it out.” 

“I missed you,” Jaebum suddenly rushed out, Jinyoung doing his best to restrain his own face from reacting in any way.

“Oh,” Jinyoung stated softly. “I see.”

“No, I mean it,” Jaebum tried to clarify. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you since I left for my job over two and a half years ago. I can’t… I can’t even fucking begin to tell you exactly how I feel but I.. I came back. I came back... because I missed you.”

_Excuse me?_

“No,” Jinyoung paled at the thought, shaking his head quickly. “You didn’t… you didn’t come back because of me.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to say it out loud,” Jaebum’s voice was shaky, the man Jinyoung once knew so well acting in a state of panic as he fumbled for something in his back pocket, Jinyoung watching with wide eyes, “but I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I just… I just thought you should know, Jinyoung.” 

As Jinyoung took a step back, his body wanting him so badly to run away, to head back into the safe confines of his own apartment, Jaebum suddenly produced a worn polaroid from his jeans, hand forcing it in Jinyoung’s direction. Hesitating slightly, Jinyoung reached forward to take it, looking down at it as his thumb carefully caressed the edge. It was a photo of the two of them on their two year anniversary, both of them posing close together in the alley with the string lights near the restaurant they had visited on their first date. As his eyes darted from corner to corner, Jinyoung’s mouth went dry, attempting to think of something, _anything_ to say in response to the shocking revelation Jaebum had come to about himself in the time he had returned. But, before Jinyoung could even snap himself out of his shocked state and look up, Jaebum had already placed his helmet back on his head, starting the bike and speeding off onto the street, disappearing from view.

Looking back down at the photo in the palm of his hand, Jinyoung thought again about the thousands of memories he had made with Im Jaebum, the library assistant who wouldn’t give up on him, even when Jinyoung thought he was trying his best. Perhaps, Jinyoung thought, it was time for him to repay the favor, to show that love could still grow when someone wasn’t looking, even when both people had sworn they were giving up.

_So much for not knowing how you actually feel. Color me surprised, Park Jinyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem yes hi hello what's good~
> 
> Isn't writer's block fun? Having no time to write is also fun, but hey, we made it! It feels good to have Jinyoung and Jaebum together in a scene again - as much as you all miss them together, I miss writing them together. The world feels a tiny bit better whenever I can write scenes like that. If you follow me on Twitter you might have seen me mention that this is one of my favorite chapters of this story so far, which is absolutely true. I hope you enjoyed the last scene as much as I did.
> 
> Also, yes! I'm including tiny little details hinting about the Markson side-story that will happen once this is complete. It will be from the night they met through their wedding (most likely). Just giving you notice in case you want to add up all the details I've dropped so far!
> 
> I don't have any specific questions that aren't WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS NEXT? So, I'll leave it to you guys to tell me what's on your minds <3 thank you as always for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, everything. THANK YOU.
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twitter/tumblr in profile~


	15. Chapter 15

Jaebum hadn’t planned on being so honest with Jinyoung. Between Mark and Jackson’s wedding and his break-up with Youngjae, Jaebum had finally let himself feel the things he feared most since moving back, realizing that his job wasn’t the only reason he was so comfortable moving back. It had become so clear as his mind only wanted to focus on Jinyoung and their past experiences together instead of trying to continue to move on, and Jaebum was easily convinced that it felt right. Of course, when Jaebum had thought about the future while dating Jinyoung, he felt serious about their relationship, thinking they could go the distance and make something great together. However, it was difficult to see what future they could have if they ever did get back together again because of the broken trust and hurtful words they had shared over the years, the baggage capable of ruining what they might have been able to achieve.

Nevertheless, Jaebum had set out to change his own destiny after breaking up with Youngjae, considering that act the first on his path to personal redemption. Sitting down and telling the other man what he had done was heartbreaking, the pain and hurt he had caused written all over Youngjae’s face as he came clean about his past decisions. It was a quiet split, one of few words from the other man who looked defeated and dismantled, Jaebum over apologetic even if he knew it wouldn’t change what he had done. What could he say after cheating? Was there really any reasoning or excuses that could lighten the blow? Jaebum had known the answer was no, taking full responsibility for all of his actions, Youngjae nodding as he told Jaebum that there would be no way he could be forgiven.

Five months after that night of brutal honesty, Jaebum found himself speeding home on his motorcycle, trying his best to escape the words he clumsily spat at Jinyoung, forcing over the worn photograph he had carried every day for so long. Jackson had called him earlier that night to drop the hint that Jinyoung was home alone and looking for company, so it seemed like the right time to take advantage of the inside information, hoping Jinyoung wouldn’t react negatively to the surprise visit. Thankfully, the night had gone smoothly, even when Jinyoung had to bring up past memories he had thought both of them chose to forget, like the words mumbled on Jinyoung’s first bike ride. While half of Jaebum was cringing at the cheesy line he uttered, the other half was pleasantly thrilled that Jinyoung wanted to know, giving him more hope that all was not completely lost.

Once back home and in bed, Jaebum stared at his ceiling, mind reeling from the evening. While the little he spoke said so much, there was still so much to be discussed, to be put in the open between the two men. As much as he wanted to rush ahead to the part where he found out if they could be together again or not, Jaebum recognized the fact that this would have to be a slow process, especially after he placed the ball back in Jinyoung’s court. Their relationship suffered as Jaebum had continuously put in more effort than the other, making decisions that would be best for both of them, trying his best to pull Jinyoung along at his level. When Jinyoung no longer reciprocated that feeling, the distance between them grew, leaving enough space in the cracks for doubt to grow, ultimately leading them to their demise. Jaebum wasn’t dumb enough to think Jinyoung was the only one at fault for how things ended, but he wanted to know if Jinyoung was ready to work on the things that ultimately pushed them apart, both of them needing to come together to make something real again.

 

Weeks went by without a word from Jinyoung, the summer starting with a heat that made Jaebum miss their trips to the beach, the way Jinyoung would always order his ice cream in a cup instead of a cone, how Jinyoung’s milky skin would appear peeking out of a pair of cotton shorts. If he had to be honest with himself, Jaebum was starting to get sick of feeling like a lost puppy, waiting around to see if anyone would reach out without first being provoked. He had heard from Jackson and Mark, both too nosy for their own good, but he reiterated that this was about him and Jinyoung and that no one else should get in the way of them fixing whatever they could become. Ever since moving away to focus on his career, Jaebum had found his overall level of patience begin to dwindle, quicker to snap at someone or give up based on a shortened timeline. But for Jinyoung, his patience seemed to be never-ending; his hot-headedness always kept underwraps by something tugging inside of his heart, a longing that never seemed to quit.

Constantly reminding himself that Jinyoung was most likely preoccupied with the work-school balance that came with his graduate school classes beginning, Jaebum went on with his life, going to work and making the most of his free time by experimenting with the drawing tablet Jinyoung had gifted him years ago. During his time in school, Jaebum was forced to dabble in all types of media, from painting to ceramics, his obvious preference leaning into photography. However, simply drawing in a notepad or on his tablet soothed him almost as much as picking up a camera, the folders of saved images along his desktop screen making the perfect storyboard of his internal thoughts over the last five and a half years of his life. Like all of the other times boredom seemed to win, Jaebum drew whatever came to mind, only half surprised when his hand naturally began to sketch out what would eventually become Jinyoung’s side profile, suddenly invested in making every detail perfect, even down to the tiny scars of where a mole on his cheek once remained.

As Jaebum continued to fill his next empty Friday night with black and white images on his screen, his phone rang unexpectedly, a rush of relief washing over him as it wasn’t Jackson’s photo lighting up the screen, but rather Jinyoung’s number flashing before his eyes. It had been so long since his heart jumped at the sight, but he couldn’t help but hesitate as he picked up his phone, finger nervously accepting the call.

“Hello?” Jaebum answered, sitting up straight on the sofa.

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung stated simply. “It’s me… is now an okay time?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum shifted a bit, attempting to trick himself into relaxing. “Now is a great time.”

“Good,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, Jaebum smiling to himself as he imagined Jinyoung squeezing his eyes shut to focus on exactly what it was he needed to say. “I wanted to see if you were maybe free tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum tried not to sound too eager, already looking forward to what the other had in mind. “Why, what’s up?”

“Well, I wanted to maybe… catch up?” Jinyoung paused for a second before continuing. “We didn’t really talk much the last time I saw you.”

“I think a lot was said,” Jaebum smiled, adjusting the phone to his ear. “Did you need a reminder?”

“N-no,” Jinyoung stuttered nervously, Jaebum laughing silently to himself at how easily the other man still became flustered. “I’m well aware of what went down.”

“Good,” Jaebum chuckled. “Just checking.”

“I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something, you don’t have to be so…” Jinyoung trailed off, giving the perfect opening for Jaebum to interject yet again.

“Antagonistic?” Jaebum suggested. “Annoying? Irritating? _Maddening_?”

“It’s good to know I’m not the only one who hasn’t changed,” Jinyoung muttered, his soft laugh on the other end of the line a welcome sign in Jaebum’s eyes.

“Oh, come on,” Jaebum grinned. “What is it that you want to do?”

“Um, I don’t really care,” Jinyoung replied, his nonchalant nature about the situation slightly irritating to Jaebum. “Whatever you want.”

It would have been easy for Jaebum to just give in, to accept the little effort and attention Jinyoung was offering directly to him. However, Jaebum wanted more - he needed more from Jinyoung, even if all of their reconciliations would only turn into friendship. Without that obvious need or drive coming from the other man, they would surely end up right back where they had ended, miscommunications and pent-up emotions to blame.

“No,” Jaebum pushed back. “I want you to decide.”

“But,” Jinyoung groaned, sighing as he was trying to not be so obviously difficult, “I want to do something that’s fun for both of us, not only me.”

“That’s a very kind sentiment, Jinyoung,” Jaebum smirked, shaking his head, “but you should really think about it. I think you can figure it out.”

“I mean,” Jinyoung sighed, clearly frustrated with his inability to take the easy way out. “Whatever. Fine. Pick you up at one?”

“That works,” Jaebum smiled, trying not to let his hopes get up so early on in their reconnecting phase. “I’ll see you then?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung replied, sounding a bit more high-strung than he had all call. “Bye, Jaebum.”

With a click, Jinyoung was gone, leaving Jaebum to ponder all of the possibilities of how they would spend their time together tomorrow, secretly hoping Jinyoung knew how much this would mean to him in the long run.

 

Waking up the next morning, Jaebum felt a renewed sense of energy he hadn’t felt in months, excited for whatever Jinyoung had planned for their day. Obviously, there would still be an odd tension between them, something that wasn’t going to fade away until they were both ready to be open with each other again, but it was clear they were on the right path, both able to exist in the other’s presence for more than a few minutes at a time. Thinking back to how they both had acted at the wedding, completely oblivious to where they would end up at the end of the night, Jaebum remembered the bitterness Jinyoung displayed all night, specifically when he had tried to approach him outside. Jinyoung didn’t want comfort or a helping hand and Jaebum wasn’t about to start a fight outside their best friends’ wedding, both arguing enough to lead Jinyoung back inside to drink and straight to Kang-joon, Jaebum watching them dance together moments later jealously as he tried his best to be an attentive boyfriend to Youngjae who couldn’t be happier to be in such a beautiful place with him. So much had changed since that night, back and forth between good and bad, Jaebum hoping that there wasn’t another possibility for Jinyoung to go back to hating him outwardly. If things couldn’t be patched up between them, Jaebum would understand, but the healing process could never begin if Jinyoung would be so hell bent on carrying a visible grudge against him.

After enjoying a later breakfast and multiple cups of coffee, Jaebum made sure to attend to the small cactus still going strong on the windowsill, wondering if he would ever be able to part with it if Jinyoung wanted it back, secretly wishing that if everything went well, one day their lives would intertwine again to bring them back under one roof. It was a lofty dream, one he shouldn’t have dared to think of when he was thankful Jinyoung was speaking to him to begin with. Jaebum had always been the bigger dreamer of the two; Jinyoung always too caught up in his “common sense” that he couldn’t even begin to consider certain possibilities Jaebum had mentioned previously. Back on delicate speaking terms, Jaebum began to remind himself to dial it back, that he already had shown too much of his hand to Jinyoung with his confession, hoping the pressure of such information wouldn’t strain what was already hanging on a thin thread.

Right on time, Jaebum received a text from Jinyoung stating that he was waiting in the parking lot, wasting no time in locking up before heading downstairs, walking out to the car and getting inside, looking over with a smile to an obviously tense Jinyoung.

“Thanks for inviting me to do something today,” Jaebum smiled, watching as Jinyoung nervously returned the look with his own, nodding slightly.

“I figured it’s been awhile since we, uh,” Jinyoung cleared his throat, shrugging, tongue tied already a minute into their interaction, “since we did anything.”

“True,” Jaebum nodded, letting Jinyoung begin to drive, not wanting the subtle awkwardness of their interactions to distract him from the road. Watching him as he drove, he noticed Jinyoung wearing the denim pants he always loved so much, paired with a lightweight long-sleeved t-shirt, clavicle peeking out from the edges of the white neckline. It was what he knew Jinyoung enjoyed to wear even in the midst of Summer, the high temperatures never a match for his signature styles, Jaebum smiling to himself as he slid his sunglasses back up his nose.

“Where are we headed anyway?” Jaebum asked, knowing the answer wouldn’t matter; he was happy to be in Jinyoung’s presence for the day with whatever response Jinyoung would offer.

“Well, because you so rudely made me plan the day myself,” Jinyoung offered, the words not as sharp as he wore a smile on his face, “I figured we could spend some time at the art museum…”

Shifting his body in his seat to face Jinyoung, Jaebum tried to not let the complete shock on his face show, the idea of the other man willingly taking him to one of his favorite places in the city when the choice was completely Jinyoung’s to make too touching to feel real at that moment. Thinking back to the few times they had gone to the museum together, Jaebum remembered how bored Jinyoung would look as he stared at paintings too long or how Jinyoung was more fascinated by people watching than looking at the masterful works. The fact that those reactions happened when they were together as a couple made Jaebum somewhat nervous as to how Jinyoung would act without feeling a responsibility to act on his best behavior for his significant other, not owing Jaebum anything except the time he had promised together.

“You’re sure?” Jaebum asked, afraid to double check in case Jinyoung would change his mind. “You don’t have to pick somewhere I want to go.”

“I’m sure,” Jinyoung assured, looking over with a soft smile. “Don’t look so stunned. You’ll make me regret my own idea, and we both know that never ends well.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” Jaebum laughed softly, sitting back and shaking his head as he knew the statement meant more than just one single trip to the museum.

 

Once they had parked and entered the building, Jaebum assumed the lead, making sure to grab an updated guide to every part of the museum, beginning his route around the different sections. Like always, Jinyoung trailed close behind, letting the so-called expert figure out the best ways to navigate around the different works, trusting him to make the trip worthwhile. Even as they began to observe some ancient artifacts and pieces that seemed more historical than artful (even though Jaebum would argue that every piece in the building could be considered both), Jaebum couldn’t help but worry that Jinyoung had gone from indifference to complete surrender too quickly, hoping that he didn’t feel obligated to appease Jaebum all because of an overbearing confession.

Besides Jaebum’s low-key enthusiastic explanations of his favorite pieces in every section, their conversations were kept to a bare minimum, leaving Jaebum a bit confused by the entire situation. When he made the first move by showing up at Jinyoung’s house for the bike ride, he hadn’t expected anything major to happen between them, but the lack of any real verbal communication was somewhat frustrating, especially knowing that Jinyoung had an opinion about everything. If Jinyoung wanted to do something together, Jaebum thought that meant Jinyoung had accepted his confession, maybe even agreeing with its sentiment. But as Jinyoung wandered around without prodding Jaebum to move faster or ask why he found something particularly interesting, Jaebum began to worry, feeling as if Jinyoung might pity him for missing him in the first place.

While worrying about both of their intentions, Jaebum couldn’t help but hope that their awkward silence and tension meant one thing above all others: that they were being careful. Jaebum had been cautious with Jinyoung all throughout the beginning of their relationship, knowing that he wasn’t one to show his true emotions or let himself feel things deeply, being patient the entire time it took until Jinyoung could finally relax and admit he was a boy in love. Jinyoung had always been careful, guarding himself by staying behind his walls, blocking out anyone who could ever hurt him for whatever real or imaginary reasons in his own head. Caution from both sides meant that their intentions were each coming from a good place; Jaebum knew he wasn’t finished with Jinyoung in any sense, hoping there was still enough time to fix the damage they both had caused, while Jinyoung had tried his best for the first time in years, giving Jaebum a day out that fit all of his interests perfectly.

What else could Jaebum infer the trip to the museum as? It wasn’t a place that Jinyoung would ever go to on his own, and Jaebum knew he couldn’t really appreciate most of it without explanations. If Jaebum’s gifted photograph showed that he was mentally ready to let Jinyoung back in at any capacity, did Jinyoung’s trip to the museum mean the same? The subtlety of Jinyoung’s actions always left Jaebum wanting more direct answers, hoping what he inferred them as wouldn’t become too overbearing in the long run as his hopes finally began to find traction where he thought all was lost.

To passersby, they may have appeared to be close friends or something more, silently standing a meter apart while staring straight ahead at the large floor-to-ceiling painting hung in front of them. Jaebum’s eyes followed the swirls of colors from the edges to the center of the piece and back out again, completely mesmerized by the beauty found within the techniques used. Looking over to his right, Jinyoung’s profile remained the same it had always appeared in the past: thoughtful gaze paired with the slight downward slope of his nose into pink pouty lips and his rounded chin. Gulping back a sigh, Jaebum felt his heart ache just at the sight of the other man looking so simple yet captivating, forcing himself to keep his hand at his side when all it wanted to do was reach over to grab the other’s.

_Even with this distance between us, it’s the closest I’ve felt to you in years,_ _Jinyoungie._

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Jaebum offered, eyes still lingering on Jinyoung, almost as if he wanted to be caught.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung cocked his head to the side, still focusing on the artwork in front of him. “Breathtaking, really.”

“Definitely,” Jaebum smiled to himself, taking one last look at Jinyoung before returning his line of sight to the painting, unsure of what exactly he was referring to.

 

Their light conversations continued as they made their way back to Jaebum’s place, both a bit more relaxed than when the day had started. While it was nothing like their time spent together when they were an item, Jaebum was thankful they could even stand to be in the same room for as long as they had been, knowing it was a great step in the right direction. Once Jinyoung had pulled up to the front curb of the building, Jaebum looked over and smiled, offering a kind nod before climbing out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Before he could even step onto the sidewalk lining the building, Jinyoung had rolled down the window, causing Jaebum to turn back around to see what exactly Jinyoung was up to.

“That’s it?” Jinyoung asked through the window, shouting across the passenger side seat. “No questions? No more random confessions?”

“No,” Jaebum chuckled, shaking his head. “Why, were you expecting one?”

“No!” Jinyoung scoffed, rolling his eyes as Jaebum teased him. “I was prepared for whatever you were going to throw my way.”

“Don’t worry,” Jaebum soothed, leaning back into the open window of the car. “I think I’ve said enough for a long time.”

“Fine,” Jinyoung sighed, smiling a bit as he seemed more relieved. “Hope you had a good time.”

“I did,” Jaebum assured the other man, once again trying to not show how thrilled he really was about the entire experience. “You picked the perfect thing, Jinyoungie.”

With the nickname spoken, their eyes met, Jaebum biting his tongue and silently cursing himself for saying it so soon, but unable to take his eyes off the corners of Jinyoung’s mouth where a smile was trying to fight its way through. They weren’t friends, they weren’t lovers, they were more than acquaintances and less than the unit they once were, so what could it have meant? Their path from this point was as cloudy as ever with so much more at risk than ever before, Jaebum knowing what he wanted out of their new interactions, only praying that Jinyoung wanted a part of that, too.

“Well, I guess… I’ll talk to you later,” Jinyoung smiled politely, Jaebum taking the hint to move away from the car window, waving as Jinyoung rolled it up before heading on his way. Waiting until the other man was completely out of his sight, Jaebum sighed to himself and headed back up to the apartment they used to share, trying to ignore Jinyoung’s presence that still hung in the air.

While it wasn’t perfect or exciting, Jaebum appreciated the tiny steps they were taking together, understanding that before they could run, they had to relearn to walk. Just like the process of getting Jinyoung to see that there was nothing scary about falling in love with the right person, Jaebum knew Jinyoung would come around when he was ready. The only worry creeping in the back of his mind was in fear of the potential disappointment that Jinyoung might choose being friends and nothing more, leaving the grand question of what could have been completely unanswered.

_Is friendship better than nothing? Can we be only friends and nothing more?_

Jaebum knew better than to answer that after his first day all alone with Jinyoung, letting himself take joy in the moments they had shared, feeling closer to the other man than he had since leaving for his job years ago. Letting his mind wander, Jaebum smiled to himself as he focused his attention to the cactus in the kitchen, happy that after all this time it still stood for the same things Jaebum had originally suggested.

_You’re trying to live and make it through life just like all the other plants._

 

Thinking that the trip to the art museum was the start of a new chapter for both of them, Jaebum began to feel discouraged as he didn’t hear from Jinyoung in the days after, not even a quick hello or random ‘thinking of you’ message. While Jaebum hoped things would continue to rapidly move them towards a fork in the road representing friendship or romance, they were still stuck miles away from that point, his patience inconsistent the more he thought about the state of them existing but not together. After breaking up with Youngjae, he had waited to make the right move, even going against his better judgement when Yugyeom had used Jinyoung’s cell phone to ask for a ride back home for the other man. Putting too much pressure on Jinyoung would be the worst option, which is why the reminders to simply _relax_ became a constant presence in his life.

Although Jaebum had been nervous about the lack of communication between them since their day out, it turned out that Jaebum had succumbed to overthinking as Jinyoung was only busy with everything else in his life, texting him a few days after his brief moment of panic about the entire situation. While he was cooking himself some chicken for dinner, his phone buzzed across the counter, the simple message enough to tear his eyes away from the stove for a second.

**Jinyoung**   
_Hey - sorry I’ve been busy with work and school… you know how it is. Are you free again tomorrow?_

Taking the question as a good sign, Jaebum reminded himself that it was all still falling into place, that he shouldn’t look too much into anything Jinyoung would say.

**Jaebum**   
_I’m free, what did you have in mind?_

**Jinyoung**   
_I normally don’t invite anyone along, but I was going to go to the park and do some shooting. I don’t know how exciting that is for you since it’s your job and all, but I wanted to ask._

**Jaebum**   
_Sure, that sounds good. Want me to pick you up?_

**Jinyoung**   
_That’s fair considering I was kind enough to drive you all the way to the museum…_

**Jinyoung**  
:)

**Jaebum**   
_See you tomorrow morning, be there around eleven._

**Jinyoung**   
_Eleven it is - see you then_

Nearly letting his chicken burn in the pan, Jaebum silently celebrated their plans for the next day, dancing around his kitchen knowing that any time spent with Jinyoung wouldn’t go to waste, especially with a camera in his hand.

 

As promised, Jaebum arrived the next morning at Jinyoung’s apartment at eleven sharp, dressed in shorts and an oversized graphic t-shirt, comfortable enough to spend the day walking around one of Jinyoung’s favorite spots. Knocking on the door before being welcomed inside by someone who vaguely resembled the other man, Jaebum did his best to hold back his laugh, unable to keep a straight face at the fact that Jinyoung had clearly slept in too late, hair sticking up in every direction while still in his pajamas, face puffy from a rude awakening.

“Alarm never went off,” Jinyoung waved his hand in the air, mumbling under his breath. “Gonna shower, be ready as fast as I can.”

With a yawn, Jinyoung disappeared into his bathroom, leaving Jaebum all alone in the other’s apartment for the first time ever. Surprisingly, it reminded him a lot of the place they used to share, some of the old decorations that used to be on their shared walls now covering the white paint of Jinyoung’s place. It was simple and organized, much like the Jinyoung he always knew, but it didn’t feel quite homey enough, some loving touch missing from giving the space the attention it truly craved. As he made his way around looking at items placed with a magnet onto the refrigerator and the other various things on Jinyoung’s bookshelf, Jaebum couldn’t help but to be drawn to a simple wire-bound notebook placed in the middle of the coffee table, pen wedged between pages as if it was keeping place. During their relationship, Jaebum never noticed Jinyoung writing or keeping a journal of any sort, but a lot had changed since then and his curiosity seemed to get the best of him as he took a seat on the sofa, listening to the white noise of Jinyoung in the shower. Jaebum stared at the cover for a few moments before reaching forward and turning the pages to where the pen was placed, checking over his shoulder to make sure Jinyoung hadn’t appeared out of thin air before reading what had been scribbled on the page.

_It’s confusing. I’m confused. I thought that I had moved on, but that turned out to be a lie. I thought that he had moved on, but that was a lie, too. Maybe if I had been more open to other people, I wouldn’t be stuck on someone I consider my first love. But why would I want to change when there’s someone out there who still seems to want to accept me for who I actually am? Maybe that’s reason enough to actually… I don’t know, try? But I hate trying. I hate him for making me want to try. But I also miss it. I miss the way I used to feel. I miss the way he used to make me feel. I’m too scared to say it’s what I’m sure I want. But I think I’m getting there._

As much as Jaebum wanted to continue to read or even flip a few pages back to understand the full context of what Jinyoung had written, the shower turned off, Jaebum immediately standing up and fixing the journal back to its original position as Jinyoung made his way from the bathroom to the bedroom, shouting a few words that slipped through the hazy mess of Jaebum’s mind like getting dressed and don’t come in here. He knew he shouldn’t have touched the notebook, but he had to deal with the consequences of doing so, now knowing too much in regards to Jinyoung’s innerworkings. He knew he was Jinyoung’s first love - there was no doubt who it was written about - but why was Jinyoung so scared to try? Had Jaebum really hurt him that deeply that love would forever be a foreign concept to fall into again?

Before Jaebum could consider that question, his eyes fell upon a small green plant in Jinyoung’s kitchen, his brain trying to decipher what it could be before he realized that Jinyoung had actually used the gift from the exchange, proudly displaying what had come of the contents in the box. Remembering the look on Jinyoung’s face as he had opened the gift, Jaebum was set on making sure Jinyoung received it, making it as appealing as possible. The message would be clear: Jaebum hadn’t stopped thinking about him and the only thing that had made it out nearly unscathed from their relationship was the cactus that they both found deep symbolism within. By having his own miniature cactus that seemed to be thriving, Jaebum considered it a small victory, a sign that Jinyoung had thought about this more than he gave off, even knowing that he hadn’t convinced himself fully that it was what he wanted in the end. Even with the tension between them, the heavy baggage and tangled web of questions neither seemed to want to address, it gave Jaebum more hope than he previously had, a physical reminder that Jinyoung still felt something, too.

“Are you ready?” Jinyoung’s voice echoed from the corner, camera bag slung over his shoulder as Jaebum turned to face him. “You’re just… staring off into space.”

“What? Yeah,” Jaebum forced a wide smile, the words from Jinyoung’s journal circling around in his mind. “Let’s go, I know just the place.”

With a nod, Jinyoung followed Jaebum out, heading down to the SUV and inside, Jaebum turning the radio up as they rode along. It was easier to deal with the odd silence between them with the radio providing a background soundcheck, but as the song faded into the next, a familiar melody began to ring through the speakers, a smile building on Jaebum’s lips. However, Jinyoung was quick to flip the station, sulking back in his seat once he was satisfied with whatever classic rock song started blaring.

“What was that about?” Jaebum asked, looking over briefly with an eyebrow raised. “Didn’t like my choice in station?”

“No,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, arms crossed against his chest. “You know why.”

“I still like that song,” Jaebum offered, slightly annoyed by Jinyoung’s adverse reaction to it. “Come to think of it, you were okay with it when I had to pick your drunk ass up at the bar that one night.”

“I never said I was okay with it,” Jinyoung clarified as if he were 100% sober that evening. “I just… didn’t want to upset you while you were doing me a favor.”

“You think I’m going to believe that?” Jaebum asked, smiling playfully.

“I’m asking you to,” Jinyoung insisted. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

“Whatever you say,” Jaebum hesitated before figuring it couldn’t hurt to add on what he actually wanted to say, “ _Jinyoungie_.”

While the nickname felt like an intrusion the last time Jaebum had let it slip, Jinyoung didn’t have an adverse reaction, instead smiling and laughing to himself as he looked out the window as they finally had reached their destination. Jaebum had chosen the same park that they both enjoyed back in college, the familiar landscape offering them a common ground for the day, Jinyoung seemingly satisfied with the older man’s decision.

“I figured you’d pick this spot,” Jinyoung grinned, getting his camera bag before opening his car door. “You’re pretty predictable.”

“Never said I wasn’t,” Jaebum chuckled, following him out of the car before getting his camera set, watching as Jinyoung had no problems with his own.

“Film? Really, Jaebum?” Jinyoung chastised as he observed Jaebum making adjustments to his lens. “I thought the working world would have shown you the light.”

“In a way it did,” Jaebum shrugged, knowing Jinyoung always liked to tease him for his preference. “Using all digital all the time at work made me appreciate it even more.”

“Ugh,” Jinyoung made a face, Jaebum trying not to find amusement in the other’s disgust. “As long as you’re not forcing it on me, I guess I can deal.”

“Good, because you don’t have another choice,” Jaebum laughed, patting Jinyoung’s back gently. “Shall we take the old route?”

“Is there another option?” Jinyoung finally let out a laugh of his own as they made their way to the singular path that wound through the park, beginning their journey on another warm and sunny day.

  
Jaebum knew that Jinyoung liked to go shooting alone, especially in this park, but the activity didn’t call for a lot of unnecessary chatter, both men enjoying the sounds of nature alone. While Jaebum took a select shot here or there, he really used his camera as an excuse to observe Jinyoung, the boy completely wrapped up in capturing everything around him. Even by only watching him, Jaebum could see how much he had improved, noticing that the little tips and tricks he had offered to Jinyoung years ago had stuck with him after all this time. If Jinyoung was shooting near him, Jaebum would offer a tiny bit of advice such as adjusting the exposure or how to frame the subject matter more effectively. Shockingly, Jinyoung never fought his tips, taking them and making the most of the information, coming out with even more beautiful photographs.

As they made their way back towards the car after a peaceful session, Jaebum couldn’t help but sneak a few of Jinyoung from a distance, careful to appear that he was taking a photo of literally anything else. Even as Jinyoung paused and looked back at Jaebum, he couldn’t help himself, blatantly taking a photo of the other man who immediately rushed over, smacking Jaebum’s arm.

“Why are you taking photos of me?” Jinyoung scolded, laughing lightly. “It’s a waste of your precious film.”

“So says you,” Jaebum grinned. “The scenery is beautiful here.”

“I know,” Jinyoung smiled, looking all around where they stood. “You know what else would be beautiful?”

“What?” Jaebum asked, sincerely interested in whatever Jinyoung wanted to reference, perhaps getting his hopes up to hear the words ‘ _you and me_.’

“Some lunch in my stomach,” Jinyoung laughed instead, packing up his camera as he turned to leave the park. “I know just the place.”

With a defeated sigh, Jaebum couldn’t help but smile, knowing that having Jinyoung in his presence for the day was satisfying enough.

 

Unsurprisingly, the pair found themselves at the campus coffee shop, Jinyoung letting Jaebum sit before ordering their usual meal of iced coffees and sandwiches, Jaebum unable to hold his smile back when he noticed that Jinyoung hadn’t forgotten his love of barbecue potato chips. The place hadn’t changed one bit, Jaebum glancing all around at the decor and signage, the only thing completely different were the people taking and making the orders, the man feeling somewhat thankful no one was there to question what had become of them as a couple.

“You remember the last time we were both here?” Jinyoung smirked, chewing a bite of his sandwich as Jaebum felt a hint of embarrassment tint his cheeks.

“Yeah,” he sighed, looking down at his cup, somewhat ashamed of the memories from that day. “Unfortunately.”

“It took me a really long time before I could show my face around here again,” Jinyoung stated, taking a sip from his straw. “They asked if you had skipped town after what you did to me.”

“That wasn’t how I meant it to go,” Jaebum looked up, expression soft as he acted cautious with how much information he truly wanted to share in the moment. “I don’t know if you’d believe me, but I really thought we might have…”

“Might have what?” Jinyoung countered, brows furrowed together. “Gotten back together? Jaebum, you literally told me I wasn’t living up to my potential, that I was a prick who wouldn’t let you make things better for us. How the fuck would we have gotten back together?”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum sighed, keeping his composure completely calm, understanding why Jinyoung was surprised at his revelation. “I said all the wrong things and got defensive. I was upset that you had thought I wanted to break up the entire time… I let my emotions get the best of me. I wasn’t in a great place.”

“Yeah, well,” Jinyoung sighed, deflating a bit as he backed down from his rough question. “I wasn’t either. It hurt to hear that from you. I felt like… I was a disappointment to the only person that mattered.

“You weren’t,” Jaebum quickly assured Jinyoung, hand automatically reaching over and grabbing Jinyoung’s over the table, the younger man snapping his head up in shock. “You never were. I got caught up in my own head, figuring myself out and whatever. I was always proud to call you mine.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung swallowed roughly, pulling his hand away from Jaebum’s in order to take a sip from his drink before meeting his line of vision again. “Well… what about now?”

With their hands no longer in contact, Jaebum focused on Jinyoung’s face, the one he knew almost better than his own, wishing he hadn’t ever taken the job that led him so far away from what he actually wanted. It was too late to go back and change all that had happened, too late to take back what was said, but from that point forward, Jaebum could continue to build, ready to fix what had been left for dead in the years they were apart.

“Of course,” Jaebum smiled fondly, nodding slightly. “Even more so than before.”

  
On the walk back to the car, they strolled side-by-side, closer than they had been in months. Every few steps, Jinyoung’s bony elbow would knock into Jaebum’s arm, but neither man would make a move, preferring to keep their focus ahead to their destination. However, along the path they had chosen to take back to the car, Jinyoung had stopped abruptly, staring up at a slight angle in front of him, causing Jaebum to do the same. Before he was silly enough to ask what had caught his attention, Jaebum realized that they had accidentally stumbled in front of the campus library, the sun reflecting off of the name attached to the building. While it was where Jaebum had done his time, making up for his careless mistakes of hooking up in art department supply closets, it was also where he had fallen in love, the single location that had seen the budding romance form.

“Do you think we would have met if I never showed up to the library that day?” Jinyoung asked quietly as if he were speaking his thoughts as soon as they appeared in his mind. “Like, if I never had that assignment, would we be standing here right now?”

“Absolutely,” Jaebum answered, confident in his response. “Of course, that route involves a little bit more of Jackson and Mark, but we would have eventually found each other. You know, _fate_ and all that good stuff.”

“Don’t make me gag,” Jinyoung laughed, shaking his head as he looked over in Jaebum’s direction, only a few inches apart compared with the large gap between them at the art museum. “You could have left it at _yes_.”

“But it’s so much more fun to tease you,” Jaebum giggled. “Besides, some of us still have faith in it.”

“Putting faith in fate?” Jinyoung scoffed, shaking his head before he started walking again. “You’ve lost your mind, Im Jaebum.”

Laughing at the typical response he received from Jinyoung, Jaebum jogged a few steps to catch up, walking side-by-side again all the way back to Jaebum’s car, purposefully brushing his arm against Jinyoung’s every other step.

 

Pulling up to Jinyoung’s apartment, Jaebum placed the car in park, helping Jinyoung gather his equipment from the day, ensuring that he hadn’t left anything behind. It was the least quiet car ride yet, both men chatting casually about their jobs and plans for the week, still not delving deeper into subjects they both knew were dying to be addressed. Once he had all of his belongings, Jinyoung reached to open the car door, Jaebum placing his hand gently on his thigh to stop him, smiling nervously at the semi-confused man.

“I’ve had a lot of fun,” Jaebum smiled, hand resting comfortably on Jinyoung’s leg. “Last week and this week… it’s been nice spending time with you.”

“I feel the same,” Jinyoung returned the grin willingly, tension nowhere to be found in his expression. “It’s been nice being…”

Jaebum recognized the pause, understanding that Jinyoung wished he could label whatever this was easily so it could be filed away for future reference. But just as Jaebum had analyzed a million times over, they weren’t an item, weren’t friends, weren’t anything beyond Jinyoung and Jaebum, two people who somehow found their way back to exist in the same space at the same time.

“Exactly,” Jaebum jumped in to ease the awkwardness, Jinyoung looking relieved that he didn’t need an explanation as to why it was so difficult to finish the sentence. “It’s been nice.”

“Talking and hanging out,” Jinyoung began, finally opening the door slightly and beginning to step out, “it makes things… easier.”

“Easier, huh?” Jaebum chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s always the easy way with you.”

“Like you said, I haven’t changed a bit,” Jinyoung smiled, shutting the door as he walked away, waving back at Jaebum before disappearing back inside to his apartment.

Unlike the last time he had left Jinyoung’s place, Jaebum took his time leaving the parking lot, no longer panicking about what would come next. The steps they had taken in the two days they had spent together were enough to assure him that he wasn’t alone in how he felt, remembering the words Jinyoung had written for himself. If the other man could keep calm about the entire situation, then so could he, ready to leave it all in the hands of fate and a man named Park Jinyoung who always seemed to be full of surprises.

_I’m too scared to say it’s what I’m sure I want. But I think I’m getting there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :) thank you for your patience as I got back into the groove with Jaebum's perspective and turning the page for he and Jinyoung to hit the reset button together. They've come a long way, but we will see what it all means very soon.
> 
> Thank you for your lovely comments, kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions... everything means so much to me ❤️
> 
> As always, the best place to keep up with me and the status of updates is via twitter (I like to post teasers and answer questions there as well)!
> 
> xoxo
> 
>  
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> twitter/tumblr: link in profile


	16. Chapter 16

Even though it had been four years since his undergraduate career had ended, Jinyoung found himself easily adjusting to his new routine of balancing school and work, thankful for the distraction it provided. He worked on his assignments more diligently, putting in effort he never knew he was capable of, receiving praise not only from his professors, but from his peers and fellow classmates who appreciated his well-developed insights on whatever topics were being discussed at the time. Instead of relying on web searches, Jinyoung actually had purchased his textbooks and kept up on the weekly readings, a highlighter making an appearance every once in a while as he studied. 

However, Jinyoung hadn’t anticipated that the rest of his free time (or what little amount he had of it) would be spent thinking about someone who had fought his way back into his life with enough patience and understanding to last both of them the rest of their lives. When Jaebum had given him the worn photograph after their trip to the overlook, Jinyoung didn’t move from his spot outside of his apartment for nearly twenty minutes, considering all of the events that got them to another crossroads together. The idea that Jaebum had come back for him, because he _missed_ him, was too much to bear, Jinyoung replaying every single one of their interactions back in his mind since Jaebum had returned that fall. Somehow, his feet had found their way back up and into his apartment, the man laying in bed in stunned silence with the photo never leaving his sight as he considered the bachelor party, the wedding, the Christmas dinner party. He had mistaken Jaebum’s kindness and symbolism for trickery and mockery, Jinyoung cursing at himself under his breath as he realized that Jaebum had only tried to move on because he thought there would never be another chance to have something with Jinyoung, especially with the way things had ended.

Jinyoung realized that it was up to _himself_ to make the next move, understanding that the amount of effort to keep an established relationship going would not be the same amount needed to rekindle an old, but still smoldering, flame. It was going to take every ounce of spare energy he had left inside of his mind to muster up the bravery to speak to Jaebum again, a small voice in the back of his mind reminding him that _nothing_ was guaranteed to come of this, even if he tried his best. It wasn’t hard to remember how he had fallen for Jaebum, how the other man fought his way into his heart with dedication and uncomfortable truths, never backing down when he wanted Jinyoung to hear him out. Love was never easy, Jinyoung knew this of course, but for once he wasn’t going to let that stop him, even if he wasn’t fully convinced of exactly what all of the feelings swirling around in his chest meant. 

_Ah, back to denial? That seemed to work out for you the first time… not._

Their trip to the art museum went better than Jinyoung anticipated, Jaebum looking shocked as he revealed what he had planned for the day. It was unlike Jinyoung to sacrifice his preferences to make someone else happy, but in his world, only three people could change his mind, and only one so drastically, leaving him speechless as Jaebum led them both through the maze of rooms containing hundreds of works from across the globe. Only one thing caught him off guard, Jaebum’s tongue letting his old nickname slip, the single word of _Jinyoungie_ ringing through his head the rest of the night. Work and classes kept him preoccupied the next week, Jinyoung using it all as an excuse to avoid contacting Jaebum again, multiple nights spent staring at his phone, pondering if he should give the older man a ring or send a short text. Their day out at the museum was only the beginning and Jinyoung knew he had to keep his effort strong, but with his workload increasing daily, he found himself dozing off with his phone in his hand, fingers dangerously close to slipping near a certain contact.  

Once they were able to reconnect that weekend with cameras in hand, Jinyoung kept his guard up, every destination digging up too many memories of what they once had, making it difficult to ignore the dull ache in his chest. It began as Jaebum decided on their favorite park to shoot at, it continued as Jinyoung suggested they grab a quick bite to eat, and it swelled in intensity as they landed near the campus library’s front steps, Jinyoung silently praying Jaebum couldn’t feel the violent thumping in his chest. If anyone would have asked Jinyoung for his thoughts on couples labeling public areas as ‘their place,’ he would have dry-heaved, trying to contain his laughter to be taken seriously. But as the urge to reach over to take Jaebum’s hand into his own intensified, Jinyoung let himself peer deep down into the dark and dusty corners of his soul, finally internally confessing that the library was _theirs_ , a spot that no one else could ever find as much value within as Jinyoung and Jaebum did years ago.

With everything weighing on his mind, Jinyoung found himself in desperate need of an escape from the stress associated with the dramatics inside his head, deciding to give a ring to the two most relaxed people he knew: Bambam and Yugyeom. While his last night out with the pair led him to another awkward interaction with Jaebum, he knew better than to let himself get out of control, reminding himself that pacing was key. However, there was a small voice in the back of his mind, repeating over and over again that he could probably get away with contacting Jaebum if he had to, considering the two were back in somewhat of a comfort zone. There hadn’t been too much contact between them since that weekend back on campus, but Jinyoung didn’t feel pressured one way or another; it was a comfortable distance between friends, something neither of them had to address quite yet.

Although Jinyoung had shown up at the same bar to meet the two younger men for a drink feeling confident in his decision, their immediate badgering over what had happened in the months since their meeting almost led him to turn right back around to head back home. Jinyoung no longer was with Kang-joon and there was absolutely no way that the pair hadn’t heard of Jaebum’s situation as well. Before he could even ask them how they knew so much, Jinyoung cursed under his breath, scolding himself for confiding so much in Mark (especially when he knew Jackson would get all of the dirty details moments after the call ended). On one hand, Jinyoung was visibly annoyed, fingers fussing with the black straw placed in his cup; on the other, he was thankful, somewhat relieved that most of the dirty details had already been exposed, saving him the humiliation of having to relive them verbally.

“So,” Bambam smirked, leaning back into the plush booth, icy blue contacts looking menacing under the subtle bar lights, “you’re telling me you haven’t sealed the deal yet?” 

“Do you have to be so vile?” Jinyoung grimaced, shaking his head. “If you must know, no. We haven’t… done anything since we started talking again.” 

“What does that mean?” Yugyeom pressed, teaming up with Bambam to get the answers they both seemed to desperately crave. “Come on, Jinyoung. I thought you were still in lo-”

“No,” Jinyoung was quick to cut off his train of thought, holding his hand up for emphasis. “Please don’t go there. I am not getting into that side of this tonight.”

“You’re no fun,” Yugyeom laughed, Bambam still silently judging from the corner of the table. “You invited us out and you won’t spill the rest of the details we need! How else can we help you if we don’t know the full story?” 

“Look… we dated, then we broke up. He moved back, then we had sex at that wedding,” Jinyoung sighed, finishing the rest of his drink in a single gulp. “Things got worse and then they got better. We’re talking, but we aren’t friends. _That’s_ the whole story.”

 

“You left out the part where you’ve been so obviously in love with him the entire time,” Bambam shrugged, smugly basking in the laughter Yugyeom provided. “Admit it, Jinyoung.”

“It’s not that simple,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, ordering another drink as the waitress passed by. “There’s a difference between being in love for the first time and giving it another shot once you’ve already broken each other’s hearts. We haven’t exactly handled everything well since he came back.”

“Don’t act like you’re the first guy to ever question it,” Bambam offered, sitting up more to make better eye contact with Jinyoung. “Lots of couples break up and get back together. Some even do it after decades apart… not to mention those who get married and divorced before realizing who the right person for them was all along. There are so many different scenarios, why do you think yours is so special?”

“Because _we_ were special,” Jinyoung sighed, mumbling a quick thank you as his drink was delivered. “I’m scared that there’s a chance it could happen all over again… the arguing, the heartbreak, Jaebum just… leaving. If it happened once, we’re capable of it again. That’s why I’m taking things so slow.”

“He hasn’t said anything about that?” Yugyeom asked, his soft voice a contrast to Bambam’s more pointed style. “He’s more patient than he seems.” 

“He always has been with me,” Jinyoung chuckled lightly, bringing his glass to his lips as he took a swig. “Anyway, can we move on from this?” 

“But it’s so _interesting_ ,” Bambam giggled. “Like a freaking _drama_ or something.”

“Do you think it’ll have a happy ending?” Yugyeom added, the pair staring at Jinyoung who couldn’t hold his gaze, shifting it away while clearing his throat.

“Who’s to say?” Jinyoung offered what he thought came across as a detached smirk as Bambam and Yugyeom looked at each other and shrugged, changing the subject back onto themselves and all of the trouble they had gotten into since their last meeting, letting Jinyoung fall back into his own round of mental gymnastics.

_‘Who’s to say?’ You. You have a say in this, idiot. Don’t act so naive._

 

 

Still putting off the bigger questions weighing on his mind, Jinyoung found himself working on an assignment due in more than a week on his exciting Friday evening. If anything could have shown the positive changes in his character from the person he was when he had finished his first degree, Jinyoung would have selected the many examples of him finishing work in advance, perhaps finding it easier to pour his attention into a report or reading assignment, conveniently leaving out that most of it was done in hopes to keep other thoughts at bay. In the days that had followed his meeting at the bar with Bambam and Yugyeom, he constantly replayed the advice he had gotten from his younger friends, albeit a little hasty for his liking. While Yugyeom prefered a romantic approach, filled with tiny steps of personal reflection and self-realization, Bambam suggested blurting out whatever what was on his mind and demanding an answer, comparing the strategy to ripping off an old bandage. Before Jinyoung could comment on either plan, the two had started bickering before dissolving their disagreements in a fit of giggles and another round of soju.

Shaking his head at the thought of taking either of their ideas, Jinyoung pushed away his textbook on the table of his kitchen, retrieving his journal from the other corner to jot down whatever was on his mind so he could move forward with his actual work. As he flipped past all of the pages he had used in the weeks leading up to that point, a small rectangular object fell out, landing face down on the wooden surface. Jinyoung hesitated a moment before reaching over, knowing exactly what it would be, completely unsurprised to find the instant photograph Jaebum had offered the night he appeared to take the two of them on an impromptu motorcycle ride to one of their old spots. Sighing deeply, he thumbed at the pointed corners, thinking of how much had changed, not only since that moment, but since Jaebum had returned for good, wondering if there was a better way they both could have handled the news, Jinyoung cursing under his breath as he recalled every painful interaction. From the many times he still found himself waking up in their old apartment, to the biggest mistake of falling into bed with Jaebum when he was committed to someone else, Jinyoung knew the faults were irreversible, the regret and consequences from it inescapable for the rest of their lives, no matter if they became a couple again or remained on their own.

Going against his better judgement to leave things alone and focus on the present day, Jinyoung got up from his seat abruptly, heading into the closet in his bedroom, digging through the mass amounts of clutter on the floor before finding what he didn’t even want to admit what he was looking for. As he had hoped, a sturdy plastic box without a label was still there, an object that used to mock him into self-loathing until he made a point to conceal it as best as possible. Pulling it out and sitting with it on his bedroom floor, Jinyoung opened it up, immediately regretting his idea of going through all of his things that once reminded him of Jaebum, the specific fragrance of one of Jaebum’s old t-shirts folded right on top permeating the air around him. As he unfolded the well-loved once-black cotton shirt, Jinyoung recalled how Jaebum would wear it around the house during lazy weekends together, dirtying up the front with flour or other kitchen messes as he made them dinner on Saturday nights. He had left it behind when he left to begin his new job, Jinyoung finding the shirt folded neatly on top of his dresser as if it were a gift during his absence. Wearing it most nights to bed in hopes it would bring Jaebum back sooner than later, he selfishly took it with him after their breakup, knowing it would be one of the first things Jaebum would look for upon his first return. 

Tossing the shirt off to the side, Jinyoung continued digging through the box, trying to not get distracted by every piece inside, flipping through countless concert and movie tickets, receipts from vacations and trips they enjoyed together. It was difficult to ignore the larger objects such as one of Jaebum’s rings or books that had been gifts between them, Jinyoung’s pace slowing down more and more with the emotional attachments he had forgotten each item held within. Jinyoung wasn’t oblivious to their history, but seeing it represented in shards of paper and tiny trinkets hit him deep in the gut. No other person in his life had such a profound impact on everything he did, the impression permanently etched into his mind forever. There wasn’t a box for Hyuk or a box for Kang-joon, nothing for his friends or acquaintances over the years; everything was always about Jinyoung and Jinyoung alone, except for the box full of the best years of his life, memories that sank deep into the corners of his mind and would refuse to budge.

The final objects Jinyoung removed from the box were the most damning of all: the instant camera Jaebum had gifted him during their first Christmas together and the photo album they had compiled during their time together. If going through the entire bin wasn’t torture enough, picking up the small binder was the cherry on top, Jinyoung willingly opening up to the first page and inhaling sharply once he saw what was inside. Unlike Jaebum’s perfectly organized and labeled albums that lined the bookshelf in their old living room, the book in Jinyoung’s lap was put together haphazardly, photos sliding into slots wherever there was room. On the first page, Jinyoung and Jaebum’s smiling faces were present in every photo, most of them candid shots taken either by each other or by Mark and Jackson, some blurry or overexposed, all sinking Jinyoung’s heart little by little. As he turned the page, it was filled with more of the same, some photographs from their trips to the beach or an amusement park, photos from behind the scenes at weddings, even more from their trips around local parks in the area.

But the photos that finally brought tears to Jinyoung’s eyes were ones they had taken of each other without noticing, each of them engrossed in whatever they were doing at the time. Multiple photos of Jaebum behind the camera were taken by Jinyoung, the older man looking so focused and completely immersed in whatever subject he was shooting, the familiar furrow of his eyebrows a feature Jinyoung always teased him about. The photos of Jinyoung were somewhat different, most of them taken while Jaebum knew he couldn’t complain: peacefully dreaming in bed after a long day of work, focused on the road ahead as he drove, eyes completely hazy while enjoying his favorite crime show marathon on tv. They were all sickeningly domestic, all somewhat boring on the surface, but to Jinyoung they meant everything, countless simple snapshots of what their relationship really was: blissful comfort in the arms of his best friend.

As his tears dotted the plastic sheets of the album, Jinyoung snapped it shut, instantly standing up and fighting the urge to kick everything across the room. Feeling his breathing intensify, his fists curled at his sides as he remembered everything that tore them apart. Between the distance, lack of effort and complete collapse of communication, Jinyoung knew that ultimately they were both to blame, but the cuts suddenly felt fresh again, every tiny piece of their relationship sprawled out across his floor like adding salt to his wounds. Nearly three years had passed since all of the items were packed away, shoved in a corner to be forgotten until Jinyoung found the strength to toss them in the garbage. But as Jaebum had slowly crept his way back into his life, Jinyoung easily felt his walls begin to crumble, the same vulnerable position he found himself in the first time he had fallen in love with the other man.

_Are they only memories or are they proof that love could find a way even when you fought it?_

_Are they proof that it can happen again?_

“Came back because he missed me…” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath as he paced around the small space next to his bed. “Left for a stupid job, blamed me for not trying hard enough, comes back without warning. Stupid…”

Scoffing and rolling his eyes as his frustrations built, Jinyoung couldn’t help but feel his blood begin to simmer, all of the memories popping up one by one in his head. Some were sweet, like the days they would sit in the library after hours and discuss whatever old paperback Jaebum was rereading that week, drinking the rest of the lukewarm coffee from the staff lounge. Others weren’t exactly comforting, like the time Jinyoung had forgotten to pick up Jaebum from a shoot downtown, only to be shocked to see him walking through the door with a glare when he mentioned how expensive the cab fare had turned out to be. Countless pleasant days and arguments aside, Jinyoung couldn’t help but compare their recent interactions to their past, trying to draw conclusions based on what had already occurred, leaving him stumped on what it could all mean. Before Jinyoung even admitted he felt anything of substance for Jaebum when they were getting to know each other years ago, they had already taken things beyond third base, leaving any doubt that their sexual chemistry would be anything but electric in the dust. They were always something more than friends, the underlying desires they both tried to hide somehow incapable of remaining silent, hands and lips doing a better job of communicating than their words ever could.

“What are we doing…” Jinyoung whined to himself as he plopped down onto his bed, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. “What am _I_ doing?”

Looking over at the mess he had made of everything from inside the forbidden box, Jinyoung felt a sob get caught in his throat, hand clapping over his mouth to muffle the sound. The emotional connection he felt with every item sprawled across the floor was heavy on his heart, two and a half years spelled out in tiny treasures that held no value to anyone other than himself and a man that had been patient and honest when he needed it most. So much had held Jinyoung back from reconnecting with Jaebum, the distance only sealing their fate temporarily until the stars aligned once again to shove them back together. There was nothing he wanted more than to be completely sure of his own feelings, but what if it took too long? Did he need every answer from Jaebum before letting himself take back a piece of the happiness he knew he deserved? What if it wasn’t a conclusion he could come to on his own?

_If not now, when?_

Suddenly motivated to make a move, Jinyoung sprung out of bed, rushing out of his room and to the door, sliding his shoes on quickly as he grabbed his keys from the nearby table. Without hesitating, he found himself locking his door and practically sprinting down his building’s staircase, running from the entrance straight to his car, getting inside and starting the engine in one slick motion. Before his mind could catch up to the actions his body had decided on, Jinyoung was on the road, autopilot on to the one destination he knew by heart. Knuckles white as they gripped the steering wheel, Jinyoung didn’t bother to turn on his stereo, eyes completely focused on the road ahead, mind slipping into a haze as the streetlights blurred. As if the night needed to feel any more dramatic, rain drops began to shower across his windshield, wiper blades quickly clearing his line of sight as he neared his destination.

He had no plan. Jinyoung was acting on pure adrenaline, mind cycling through every possible scenario that could unfold once he landed on Jaebum’s doorstep. Emotions bleeding into one another, Jinyoung didn’t know how to turn any of it off, anger fading and replacing itself with hope only to fall back into a paranoia that _nothing could ever be fixed_. Three whole years of resentment and denied pining were beginning to burst through the obvious cracks in his façade and for once, Jinyoung didn’t know how to stop it and couldn’t be bothered to care. As he pulled haphazardly into his old parking space at the apartment he once shared with the other man, the rain started falling twice as heavy as he stepped out of the vehicle, Jinyoung making his way to the side of the building where Jaebum’s bedroom window faced. Heart pumping fast and common sense completely shot, Jinyoung closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking up to the window where a soft yellow glow filtered through the familiar curtains. 

“Jaebum!” Jinyoung shouted, voice strong and focused, his clothes soaking up as much precipitation as they could. “Jaebum, I know you’re up there! Come on…”

Pausing a moment after yelling, Jinyoung wiped his forehead of the thick layer of droplets that had settled, waiting for some sort of sign or movement from the room above. When nothing seemed to change, Jinyoung rolled his eyes, not giving up on his cause, dramatically shouting yet again to hopefully catch Jaebum’s attention for even a moment.

“Jaebum, please!” Jinyoung pleaded, voice beginning to strain from the force behind his words. “If you can hear me, just give me some sort of sign?”

Suddenly, a shadow appeared as a body approached the window, blinds shooting up as Jaebum appeared from behind the curtain, visibly annoyed as he opened the window. Just as he was about to yell back about the noise, his eyes caught Jinyoung’s gaze, the two momentarily letting the sound of the light storm fill the air between them, neither sure who was to make the next move, Jinyoung frozen in place on the pavement.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jaebum finally yelled back, annoyance replaced by pure confusion. “It’s late and it’s raining, why didn’t you just knock?” 

“Get down here!” Jinyoung shouted, voice shaky from the realization that Jaebum was only yards away, completely oblivious to why he had even shown up.

“You can’t be serious,” Jaebum remarked, gesturing at the conditions outside. “It’s pouring out there, just come upstairs!”

“No!” Jinyoung protested, nearly stomping his feet in a minuscule temper tantrum. “Just get fucking down here!”

Swearing he heard the familiar scoff of Jaebum’s voice, Jinyoung watched as the window was slammed shut, the shadow of the other man completely disappearing as Jinyoung stood in place down below. Jinyoung knew that Jaebum wouldn’t blow him off, not when he had shown up without needing an invitation, gloating slightly to himself that he still had that power over the other man. As he waited for Jaebum’s inevitable appearance, Jinyoung ran his fingers through his hair, clothes completely soaked through even from only a few minutes out braving the elements. Cursing softly under his breath, Jinyoung wondered if he had enough time to search the trunk of his car for his emergency umbrella, turning away the thought knowing it wouldn’t be of much use to him at that point.

As Jinyoung expected, Jaebum stormed out of the main entrance moments later, dressed in his softest red sweatshirt, hood pulled over his head as he closed the gap between them. Suddenly, every step was in slow motion, the rhythm of Jaebum’s footsteps in time with the beating of Jinyoung’s heart, the younger man taking a step back once Jaebum had closed the space between them to only a few paces. It was different than all the time they had been spending together, Jinyoung charged with two and a half years of emotional heartbreak paired with nearly three additional years of absolute denial. Every memory released from the box with a name but without a label tore him up from the inside out, heart about to burst, forcing words into places they shouldn’t belong.

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum asked, Jinyoung finally tuning in enough to notice the concern scrawled across Jaebum’s frown. “Did something happen? Why are you here?”

“Why did you do it?” Jinyoung nearly whispered, hair slowly unraveling from the slicked back style he accidentally had given himself. “You came back… because you… you _missed_ me?”

“I… yeah…” Jaebum crinkled his eyebrows together, still as confused as he seemed to be when Jinyoung was yelling near-obscenities at his window. “Jinyoung, we can go inside and talk if that’s what you want. It’s pouring out here, come on we can just-” 

“You came back… for me,” Jinyoung continued, voice quivering as his words began to spill, cutting Jaebum off mid-thought. “When I was the one who pushed you away, you came back?

“You didn’t push me away,” Jaebum calmly countered back, hands lost beneath the extra length of the sleeves of his sweater. “I just… I had to go. Something had to change…”

“You fucking _left_ ,” Jinyoung swallowed a whimper of a sob, taking a step closer to Jaebum’s position as his heart thumped violently in his chest. “It looked so easy, watching you pack up your life here to get on a plane far, far away from me. Tell me, Jaebum. Was it easy? Was it worth what you did to me?”

“Why didn’t you fight me on it?” Jaebum tossed back his own loaded question, switch flipped on his argumentative temper. “You wanted a break, but a breakup took it too far? Of all the times to tell me to fuck off, _that’s_ when you decided to shut your mouth? And _I’m_ the one who took the easy way out?”

“It was pointless,” Jinyoung looked away, hoping the tears welling up in his eyes could be concealed by the continuous rain from above. “You had already made up your mind. You left, Jaebum. You weren’t there and I knew I didn’t deserve you anymore. I was always going to be that asshole who didn’t try hard enough. Nothing I could have said would have saved us.”

“You’re wrong,” Jaebum licked his lips nervously, shaking his head as he took another step in Jinyoung’s direction, his hood and shoulders fully saturated as thunder rumbled in the distance. “I wanted you to tell me I was being crazy, I wanted you to curse me out and act like the Jinyoung I always knew, but you didn’t. All I needed to hear was you saying that you wanted me to come home and instead, you said you wanted space. You wanted to find yourself, but I knew the truth. You were scared, scared of what it could mean that suddenly we weren’t on the same page, that neither of us could come right out and say that things weren’t working. I could feel it for months, Jinyoung.

“But I was scared, too,” Jaebum confessed, every word firing through Jinyoung’s chest one by one, the pitter-patter of rain increasing again to a heavier outburst as he bit his lower lip, entire body shivering from the outpouring of emotions between them and the chill of his soaked body. “Didn’t you know that I would have done anything to keep you happy? To keep you there until I had a plan to make things right between us?”

“N-no,” Jinyoung lied, looking to the side, sniffling as his teeth chattered. “I needed… fuck. I don’t know what I needed, but I felt so stuck, Jaebum. I felt lost without you there and I hated myself for it. I didn’t know who I was, I had to find myself. I really did.”

“Bullshit,” Jaebum spat, Jinyoung detecting his temper rising with every word he spoke. “You knew who you were, Jinyoung. You know how I know that?”

“How?” Jinyoung asked, able to meet Jaebum’s line of sight, tilting his head to the side as if he would be able to fool Jaebum into thinking he was stronger than he actually was. “How did you know?”

“Because no one knew you better than me,” Jaebum declared. “Not even you.”

“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” Jinyoung quipped, raising an eyebrow. “That was three years ago.”

“It’s still true, you know,” Jaebum clarified, building on his bold statement for reasons Jinyoung couldn’t exactly process.

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” Jinyoung couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh, shaking his head lightly at the thought. “Why?”

“Because I’m still in love with you,” Jaebum admitted, expression completely serious as he let the words fall from his mouth with ease, hand coming up to pull his hood off as he took another step forward. “I love you, Jinyoung.”

Mouth dropping open as his voice failed, Jinyoung stood in complete silence, the imminent deepening of the storm signaled by the low rumble of yet another round of thunder in the distance. His biggest question had been confirmed: Jaebum still loved him. Jinyoung had known there were still lingering feelings, some sprouting from old memories, others completely fresh and new, but nothing could have prepared him to hear those words again after so many years without them. Suddenly, Jinyoung understood the difference between Kang-joon and Jaebum, the former saying them so often without reciprocation it felt like a joke, the phrase rendered meaningless without Jinyoung feeling the same way. So, what was it about Jaebum’s confession that made it _worth_ something? How could he know for sure that it was pure and genuine, like it had been the day that Jinyoung had first confessed his feelings on that fateful November day without hesitation?

_Now would be a good time to decide how you feel. No pressure, right?_

“I…” Jinyoung began, gulping back a deep breath before staring straight ahead at Jaebum’s nearly-blank expression. “Jaebum, I don’t know what-”

“Yes, you do,” Jaebum interrupted, finally closing the remaining space between them, placing a warm hand on Jinyoung’s cold and damp cheek. “I know you know. There’s no way you’d drive over here in the middle of the goddamn night and yell at me in the fucking rain if you didn’t know.”

“I really don’t know, okay?” Jinyoung argued, trying his best to ignore the gentle touch of the other man he once felt so strongly for with all of his might. “It’s not easy, Jaebum! It’s not like I’m in lo-”

Right on cue, Jaebum interrupted Jinyoung the only way he knew would get him to shut up if only for a minute, lips crashing against the younger man’s mouth with purpose, Jinyoung letting a soft squeak slip out. Jaebum’s lips were soft and warm, Jinyoung unsure of how to react until the other man pulled away slightly, hand still caressing his cheek gently. As if all he needed was the invitation, Jinyoung paused for a moment, eyes scanning Jaebum’s hopeful gaze beneath his rain-soaked hair, leaning back in to capture Jaebum’s mouth with his own. Jaebum’s hand slid from the side of his face to the back of his neck, keeping him in place as Jinyoung moved his arms in a tight embrace around Jaebum’s middle. It was slow yet desperate, the two men kissing with purpose as the storm continued on, soaking them even further. To Jinyoung, it felt like coming home, the instant connection undeniable even when he tried to keep his feelings in check. 

Making out under a blanket of steady rain was too cliché for Jinyoung, but with Jaebum, he could accept it, the warmth growing and unfurling low in his belly, rushing through his veins as the sensation began to spread. Along with it came the butterflies, only a few at first that seemed to multiply before Jinyoung even recognized the subtle fluttering of wings, the feeling that only Jaebum could conjure with a loving touch or glance. Without stating the obvious, Jinyoung knew he had made the right decision to show up outside of Jaebum’s window, hands feeling a little bit more desperate as their mouths moved perfectly in sync as they always had in the past. He had finally made it back to where he belonged: in the embrace of his lover, his confidant, his best friend.

A bright flash of nearby lightning paired with a boom of thunder startled the pair apart, both gasping for a quick breath as they stared each other down, neither willing to make the first move. They were as scared as they ever were, both brought back down to a temporary reality where they had to face what would be next, both of them drenched and cold, Jinyoung taking a quick glance back up to the apartment window as if it would give any indication to Jaebum about his idea for what would be next.

“You should come inside,” Jaebum stated, voice calm and even, leaving no room for suggestive innuendos. “Dry off, warm up… you know?”

“Sure,” Jinyoung answered with a nod, watching as Jaebum quickly turned back to head into the building, leading them both back down the familiar path to what was once their shared space. Lost in a fog of _what-ifs_ and _don’t-make-this-something-it-isn’ts_ , Jinyoung dragged his fingers along the railing as he climbed the stairs, every step feeling like a mountain. They had kissed. They were both free of belonging to another, both willing, both at their breaking point of taking the next step from what they had been acting as. Always more than friends, but recently not as much as lovers, Jinyoung’s uncertainty about his true feelings looking more like a cover-up with every passing second, his reconnection with Jaebum seemingly already planned in the stars. 

Once back at the familiar door, Jinyoung watched as Jaebum unlocked it and made a sweeping motion with his arm to invite him inside. The living room and kitchen were dark, a faint glow coming from the bedroom where Jaebum had been enjoying his evening before Jinyoung arrived and caused a scene outside. His autopilot urged him to continue his path to the bedroom to open up the bottom left drawer of their shared dresser and pull out a dry pair of pajamas, but Jinyoung held himself back, scolding the once-dormant section of his brain that had suddenly been activated once again by Jaebum’s lips on his own. Not forgetting what they had just done moments ago, Jinyoung turned to face the other man, opening his mouth to speak only to have Jaebum hold up his hands in protest, smiling softly.

“I’ll get you something to change into and then we can have some hot tea,” Jaebum grinned fondly, his mellow expression straight out of Jinyoung hazy bank of memories. “Be right back.” 

As Jaebum disappeared into the bedroom, Jinyoung peeled out of his drenched canvas sneakers, cursing softly at his less-than-intelligent move to stand out in the middle of the still-raging storm to yell at his ex-boyfriend only to be told the other was still very much in love with him. But what did he expect to happen? He had finally made one single move forward, something that bridged the gap from where they used to be, across their ‘just friends’ gray area, landing on solid ground, even if he considered it unfamiliar territory. With his heart still feeling as if it could burst at any minute, Jinyoung began to panic, wondering if Jaebum would take the night in a more serious direction, bringing up all the things they needed to address as two grown men should. He still wasn’t sure of himself and he wasn’t ready to be cornered about his feelings; Jinyoung would take what he had learned that night and bring it home with himself to mull over, calculating a conclusion he could bring to Jaebum at a later date. 

But as he stood alone, dripping wet from the elements he had endured outside, Jinyoung closed his eyes and took a deep breath. They could talk another day, getting into the gritty details of how they fell apart, swearing to each other that it would never happen again. They could save the arguments and petty observations for when they weren’t trying to warm up, chilled to the bone from their stupidity in the rain. But Jinyoung couldn’t wait to have his hands back on Jaebum, his lips back on the other’s mouth. It was one of the few sensations that had made him feel truly alive all year long, the feeling making his months of solitary living all worth it in the end. He wanted Jaebum and all he was willing to offer, the night still young enough for him to take it all. 

Feeling bold as ever, Jinyoung made his move towards the bedroom door, not bothering to knock as he swung it open, revealing a shirtless Jaebum in only a pair of sweatpants gathering up what seemed to be a set of Jinyoung’s old clothes for him to change into. Snapping his head up from his stance next to the dresser, Jaebum once again went from expressionless to warm and inviting, bringing the clothes with him as he made his way over to Jinyoung’s side.

“Found these...” Jaebum smiled, showing him both a t-shirt and flannel pants tucked under his arm. “You should get out of those wet ones, I’ll hang them up to dry.”

Taking the neatly folded outfit from Jaebum’s hands, Jinyoung studied the shirt on top in silence, thumbs rubbing the soft navy material of the cotton tee, the name of their shared alma mater printed in fading white block letters. In his mind, he had two choices. Jinyoung could take the clothes and change as suggested before sitting in the living room and waiting for the hot tea Jaebum promised. Their night could remain peaceful and light, the kiss and Jaebum’s confession being the only differentiating factors between it and their other recent meetings. But Jinyoung’s mind brought him to a contrasting option, one where he’d find himself at the mercy of the other’s lips and hands, one where he’d be able to show Jaebum how he really felt rather than use his words. Jinyoung was a ticking time bomb that had slowly been counting down the seconds until this moment unknowingly, the timer rapidly approaching zero as he made up his mind, placing the folded clothes back onto the dresser before taking another step towards Jaebum. 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung savored the sound of the other’s name on his tongue, the two syllables no longer causing him to recoil. “I don’t want to change.”

“Oh,” Jaebum once again looked confused, looking back at the clothes before turning his full attention on the other. “Did you want to go home?” 

“No,” Jinyoung shook his head, realizing that even if some things felt familiar, they were still becoming reacquainted after years apart, both sluggish to pick up on each other’s cues. “I don’t want to go home. Not yet.” 

“So…” Jaebum trailed off, words dying on his tongue as Jinyoung’s subtle clues began to click together in his mind, eyes widening at the sudden realization that while Jinyoung certainly didn’t want to change, that didn’t rule out him taking off his wet clothes for another purpose.

“Do I really have to spell it out for you,” Jinyoung asked, a mischievous grin slowly spreading across his lips as he watched Jaebum’s tongue dart out to wet his own nervously, “ _Jaebummie…_ ”

Instead of an immediate attack of kisses, Jaebum once again reminded Jinyoung of the person he was and apparently always would be, the older reaching out to help Jinyoung remove his shirt, holding it as Jinyoung took care of his pants all on his own, kicking them off quickly before Jaebum snatched them off the floor. He exited the room for only a moment, leaving Jinyoung to stand awkwardly in his boxer briefs, the younger man taking another glance at the objects in the room that still hadn’t moved, like all of Jaebum’s most favorite framed pieces or the one photo of Jinyoung on the wall near his desk. Closing his eyes, Jinyoung took yet another calm breath, trying to focus on the present rather than all of the things in the past, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to process it all before Jaebum returned.

_The more things change, the more they stay the same._

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum spoke, the younger man’s eyes opening back up slowly to see him standing directly in front of him. “Really, are you okay? We don’t have to…”

“I want to,” Jinyoung blurted out, making his stance on everything clear. “I do.”

“One minute you’re giving me bedroom eyes and the next minute you look like you’re about to bolt,” Jaebum explained, picking up on his nervousness about the whole situation. “You don’t have to do this to… to prove something to me.”

“I’m not doing it to _prove_ anything,” Jinyoung held back an eye roll, keeping his eye contact with the other man. “It’s just…”

_It’s this place. It’s this room where there were so many firsts. It’s the way that nothing here seems to have changed except us, and now here we are again. It’s how the last time I was this close to you, you broke my heart again when I didn’t even know it was capable of being smashed into tinier pieces. You made me doubt that you could be the same person I thought you once were. You used me. I may have used you as well, but you called it ‘complicated.’ It wasn’t. We needed each other and instead, we made a mistake._

_It’s because I’m scared, Jaebum. I’m afraid of what we could do to each other, how we can tear each other apart with a single word or glance, how we could throw nearly three years together away because we both were lonely and afraid of fixing things the right way. I’m so tired of hurting. I’m tired of hating myself for getting attached when I knew the risks. I’m tired of wishing I could go back and try harder when I should have done it in the first place. How do I know if I’m doing the right thing now? How do I know that we’ll get on the same page?_

_Can I trust you with my heart again?_

“Just kiss me, Jaebum,” Jinyoung pleaded softly, watching as Jaebum gulped at the thought. “Please.”

Always weak to Jinyoung’s requests, Jaebum leaned forward to connect their lips, Jinyoung immediately relaxing at the contact. It was slower and sweeter than what had happened outside of the apartment, no rain or dark clouds to make the moment more dramatic than what it needed to be. His hands found their way to Jaebum’s hips as the other’s hands wound up tangled through the hair on the back of his neck, their bodies inching closer and closer together with every passing second. The steady pace led the butterflies to return to Jinyoung’s stomach, their presence a good sign that he was in the right place emotionally, pulling Jaebum’s body flush against his own as things were about to go to the next level. 

Readjusting his grip, Jaebum wove his arms back around Jinyoung’s lower half, testing the waters by starting his palms at his waist and trailing them downwards, massaging the curve of his hips before Jinyoung impatiently reached around his back to guide Jaebum by the wrist, making it known exactly where he wanted the other’s hands. It all finally felt familiar, both men able to touch wherever they wanted without feeling nervous, slight hesitations still hanging in the air as they made out silently standing next to the bed. While their rendezvous in Hawaii felt desperate and sleazy, kissing and touching in the privacy of their old shared bedroom stood for something completely different. Jinyoung was nervous, of course, and he couldn’t understand how Jaebum didn’t make any comments about how fast his heart was beating, but he was exactly where he wanted to be and there wasn’t anything that could get in his way, except for himself.

Jaebum, seemingly more impatient than Jinyoung after all this time, began the careful trip back onto the bed while never letting his lips leave Jinyoung’s mouth, backing him into the plush pillows resting against the headboard. As he relaxed into the soft fabric of Jaebum’s comforter, Jinyoung closed his eyes again as Jaebum straddled his body with his own, kisses deepening as things quickly fell into place. Suddenly, Jaebum’s fingers were everywhere, trailing up and down Jinyoung’s sides before grazing over to his nipples, fingertips gently teasing them as his lips made his way along the younger man’s jawline, sinking down as kisses were pressed against his throat. Jinyoung sighed, every action once so routine to them both now turning him into putty under the other’s touch, little details creeping back into his mind of what made them both electric together in the first place.

Before Jinyoung could decide to reach down and test the waters a little more confidently, Jaebum decided it would be a good time to roll his hips downward, biting gently at the sensitive spot behind the corner of the younger man’s jaw, Jinyoung gasping at the brief contact. Apparently satisfied with Jinyoung’s reaction, Jaebum slowly repeated the same motion over and over again, lips reattaching themselves to Jinyoung’s, distorting the light moans and curses mumbled off his tongue. While Jaebum was always a good fuck (in the most casual terms), Jinyoung had nearly forgotten how much _better_ everything felt when his heart was in it too; with every kiss, his heart fluttered, more than just the sensation of pleasure pumping through his veins. 

_He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you._  

Thoughts continuing to process in the back of his mind as the rest of his focus remained on Jaebum, Jinyoung decided to take more control slipping his hand between their bodies and into Jaebum’s briefs, immediately wrapping his slender fingers around his hardened cock and tugging gently. With a low groan, Jaebum got a taste of his own medicine, Jinyoung smirking as he gained a bit of control in the situation, pausing only to pull Jaebum’s underwear down more, letting the man turn onto his side as his grip returned. His subtle touches seemed like a welcome relief, Jaebum’s expression shifting from soft and attentive to zoned out and blissful, nothing but jumbled nonsense being spoken between the two of them. It still wasn’t enough for Jinyoung at that point, remembering how quickly he rushed over to the apartment and demanded Jaebum to step outside before their arguments turned into intense kisses. Whether or not he would admit it out loud or even to himself, he came there to get Jaebum back in more ways than one, body needing more than wet kisses and fleeting touches to justify the effort.

“Tell me you want me,” Jinyoung demanded under his breath as he gave Jaebum’s cock a few more firm strokes. “Tell me this is what you want…”

“I want you,” Jaebum was quick to reply, breath labored under Jinyoung’s skilled touches. “I want you so no one else can have you. I want you because you’re _mine_. You’re mine, _Jinyoungie_.”

It was as if Jinyoung had pressed a special button within Jaebum, the other man abruptly disregarding whatever Jinyoung was doing to his member as he adjusted his position to remove his boxers completely before doing the same with Jinyoung’s bottoms, both of them finally completely nude as the deep kisses returned. With the words _you’re mine_ echoing between his ears, Jinyoung finally let himself go completely, Jaebum picking up on the shift in energy easily. No longer pushing and pulling as they usually did in times like this, Jinyoung accepted that he wanted nothing more than to be shown the maximum amount of attention that Jaebum could offer, ready for whatever limits they would push that night. 

Before breaking their kiss, Jaebum offered a few steady strokes to Jinyoung’s erection, thumb softly grazing over the tip as he went, a shaky moan from Jinyoung’s mouth encouraging him for more. Perhaps if they both hadn’t seemed so needy, Jaebum would have explored more with his hands and mouth, but Jinyoung was begging for more, on the verge of reaching into the bedside drawer that always had what Jaebum would definitely need. As if he could read the other’s mind, Jaebum retrieved a small tube from the nightstand quickly, positioning Jinyoung’s legs exactly where he needed him to be before coating his fingers up with lube, reaching down to tease his entrance gently. With a small shiver, Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered closed, body already satisfied with the familiar order of events, Jaebum doing everything in perfect timing with how it always used to be. Fingers slowly pressing inside, their lips met once again, lazy kisses broken by soft gasps and broken moans, Jinyoung already beginning to fall apart from the preparation.

If anyone knew the right time to move onto the main event, it would have been Jaebum, Jinyoung whining as he removed his fingers to slick up his own cock, erect and clearly more than ready to go. Gulping slightly, Jinyoung shooed away the thoughts that came with their last time together, trying to swallow the emotional baggage that wouldn’t seem to leave. He told himself that it was different now, watching as Jaebum moved his body to the ideal position, familiar hands holding his legs back as he was bent comfortably against the pillows. If a comparison was absolutely necessary, Jinyoung tried his best to connect it to the last few months they were together, reminding himself that know one knew how to make love to him the way that Jaebum did. 

“Ready?” Jaebum rasped softly, rubbing soothing circles into the soft pale skin of Jinyoung’s thighs.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung nodded, sighing quietly as he watched the other man press inside, no hesitations to be found between where they were and where he wanted them to go. It was slick yet tight, both groaning lowly as their bodies adjusted to each other, Jaebum taking his time as he held Jinyoung in place. It felt like everything had come full circle: Jaebum waiting for Jinyoung to come around, them dancing around everything, finally both too impatient for what would be next. The familiar surroundings of their old bedroom only encouraged the nostalgia, Jinyoung remembering the tiny details of their first time together, feeling as if he was in the same place years ago as Jaebum filled him up completely before sliding out, pushing back in with more force and developing a perfect steady rhythm.

Fireworks. Jinyoung finally got his wish he mentally begged for back after the wedding months ago, feeling the intense connection he and Jaebum once shared as the other man grunted, bodies melding together as the pleasure increased. With his legs angled back, Jinyoung tried his best to relax, resisting the urge to push Jaebum back and ride him like he did back in his hotel room of shame, letting the man he once gave his everything to control every movement. It was a bit sloppy, pace and movements not always steady or ideal, but Jinyoung didn’t care, moaning with every forceful thrust, hands gripping onto the nearby sheets to steady himself. 

As Jaebum leaned down to kiss him once more, Jinyoung moved his hands up to the sides of Jaebum’s face, keeping him in place as he thrusted along, no vague dirty talk or awkward slips of the tongue to get either of them in trouble. They were reconnecting on a visceral level, broken connections and burned bridges mending themselves as Jaebum’s cock pumped in and out of Jinyoung, the two once again becoming more than just friends, more than casually hanging out, more than their history led them to be. It was slick and somewhat messy, but Jinyoung felt out of this world, letting himself take what he wanted from the situation without feeling guilty. Jaebum wanted Jinyoung to be his, no longer willing to watch them both float along without direction. It was all Jinyoung wanted, too, if only he could admit it.

“Mine,” Jinyoung sighed as their lips parted, Jaebum leaning back and rubbing a palm up from Jinyoung’s stomach to the base of his throat. “You’re mine, Jaebum.”

“I know,” Jaebum groaned, hand traveling up Jinyoung’s neck, thumb brushing against his plump bottom lip. “Always have been. Always will be.”

With a weak whimper, Jinyoung closed his eyes, the sensation of an orgasm creeping up quickly as Jaebum moved his hand back down, wrapping his fingers around Jinyoung’s cock and stroking him in time with every thrust. It was a sensory overload, the friction between them building up higher and higher as their bodies went into overdrive, Jaebum doing all he could with Jinyoung completely whipped under his touch. What they were getting into was worth more than a few hasty words during sex, but it comforted Jinyoung to know that even after all this time, Jaebum was ready to give his all to what they could possibly have again, both all in for whatever would be next.

Struggling to find the words to say, Jinyoung came undone with a flick of Jaebum’s wrist, head tilting back as all he could vocalize turned into complete gibberish. He found himself lost once again in the hazy pleasure of getting off with someone you had deep feelings for, Jinyoung wondering how long it had been since he had felt that at ease. It was only moments later that Jaebum found himself in the same state, pulling out and jerking off onto Jinyoung’s stomach, Jinyoung too lost in his own state of mind to care about the mess. They had gone from not speaking to near-strangers, now back to something Jinyoung hesitated to think of as complicated. They were Jaebum and Jinyoung, two people who did their best to tear each other apart, only to find themselves back exactly where they needed to be: at each other’s sides.

With the haze slightly clearing, Jinyoung opened his eyes to find Jaebum carefully cleaning up his stomach and chest with a damp cloth, their eyes meeting once he had disposed of it, smiling softly at the realization that neither of them wanted to bolt. Gently nudging Jinyoung to move temporarily, Jaebum pulled back the covers, inviting Jinyoung inside before following close behind him, wrapping his arms around the other as they always did in the same bed they used to share.

“You’re an idiot for coming over here just to yell up at my window,” Jaebum chuckled lightly, nose nuzzling against Jinyoung’s dark locks. “You know that, right?”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Jinyoung smiled. “I told you to come down and you did. You’re so weak for me, Jaebum.”

“So cocky,” Jaebum pressed a gentle kiss at the nape of Jinyoung’s neck, sending a subtle chill down his spine. “How does anyone put up with you?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only one with the answer to that,” Jinyoung giggled softly, turning to face the other man better. “Care to share?”

“No way,” Jaebum laughed, shaking his head. “If I tell you, I’ll end up giving you too much information. You’re dangerous when you know too much.”

“But you like dangerous,” Jinyoung countered, smirking as Jaebum continued to laugh. “Doing crazy things, riding a motorcycle, being with me. You love the thrill it brings.”

“Of course I do,” Jaebum began with a knowing smile, “but I also love to drive you crazy which is why I’m keeping my lips sealed.”

“After all this time, you’re going to keep the answers from me?” Jinyoung scoffed, folding his arms against his chest as he feigned offense. “Thanks a lot.”

“You love it,” Jaebum smiled, soft lips capturing Jinyoung’s once again before the younger man could clarify that he wasn’t sure if it was _love_ or something more complicated than it seemed. “Now, let’s get some rest.”

Figuring it would be easy to sleep on all of the new and recurring emotions that had been dug up and forced to the front of his mind, Jinyoung simply nodded, offering Jaebum one final kiss before turning back on his side, closing his eyes to drift off into a well-needed night of sleep. They could address the deep and dark parts of what they used to be in the morning, but it was there in the room he knew so well, the one where he and Jaebum stayed up countless nights either studying for class or talking about everything and anything, the room where they had unspokenly planned their futures together without realizing how serious they were, that Jinyoung and Jaebum could rest easy knowing they were both back at the right place at the right time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience.
> 
> So, what's next?
> 
> Thank you for reading - your comments, kudos and bookmarks always mean so much to me.
> 
> twitter/tumblr - link in profile.
> 
> xo


	17. Chapter 17

Jinyoung was used to going to bed alone and waking up the same way, blankets bunched around his lower half and toes hanging dangerously over the edge of the mattress. He considered himself a heavy sleeper, someone who just needed a cushy surface and a pillow-like object to get some rest, but always preferring his own plush surroundings best. It had been months since waking up next to Kang-joon, hyper-aware of his surroundings, needing to tiptoe around the other man’s feelings and ability to operate with his heart on his sleeve. The only time Jinyoung ever felt like himself next to someone in bed was nearly three years ago, tucked under a comforter with a man he considered _the one_ ; no one else had ever come close.

Moving slightly to his right, Jinyoung’s calves brushed against someone’s legs, eyes popping open at the sound of a faint chuckle behind him.

_Wait, did last night actually happen?_

“You’re still here,” Jaebum mumbled, voice cracking as it always had in the morning after waking up, Jinyoung turning slowly to face him.

Smiling a lopsided lazy grin, Jaebum looked as charming as ever with his head against his pillow, reawakening the butterflies in the pit of Jinyoung’s stomach. As the rest of his brain stirred awake, Jinyoung simply smiled, letting the pleasant memories of the night before come rushing back. Mumbled mentions of _you’re mine_ and _always_ echoed between his ears, cheeks blushing at the thought of their subtle confessions in the heat of the moment. Not one to start the deep conversation that was necessary to follow, Jinyoung couldn’t help but lean on his sharp tongue for guidance, knowing that if anyone could handle it, it would be the man next to him.

“Not sure why…” Jinyoung sighed dramatically, adjusting his body to stare directly up at the ceiling for extra effect. “I don’t smell any breakfast…”

Looking over with an amused expression, Jinyoung let his gaze linger onto the other man’s face, taking in the fondness Jaebum always seemed to radiate when they were happy together. A couple months shy of a year since his move back home, Jaebum looked more like himself than he did when Jinyoung saw him at the bachelor parties of his closest friends, no longer hiding behind flimsy reasons and excuses as to why he returned. While complete honesty hadn’t fully sunk in and hundreds of questions were begging to be answered, neither seemed to be in any kind of rush to get to the bottom of where to go from that point on.

“I can fix that,” Jaebum offered, moving to sit up and swing his legs over the edge of the bed, pausing only when Jinyoung reached across his chest, pinning him back down with one strong arm.

“But, I’m comfortable,” Jinyoung smirked, watching as Jaebum sank back into his original position on the bed. “Aren’t you comfortable?”

“I’m comfortable,” Jaebum smiled, the words holding more weight than either of them intended them to. “But if you want breakfast, I don’t mind mak-”

“I want more than breakfast,” Jinyoung confessed, biting his bottom lip at his sudden boldness, feeling all hesitations and shame melting away.

“Oh,” Jaebum’s eyes went wide before morphing back into the fond gaze he had been wearing all morning, moving Jinyoung’s arm ever-so-slightly to lace his fingers in between the other man’s. “Who are you and what did you do to Jinyoung?”

“Ugh, I’m trying to be… spontaneous,” Jinyoung mumbled, words sour on his tongue. “Do you really have to point out how odd I sound?”

“Just making sure it was really you here with me,” Jaebum chuckled again, offering a small kiss to Jinyoung’s lips. “With that kind of reaction, there’s no mistaking it’s really you.”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung mumbled, attempting to squirm away from Jaebum’s mouth, acting as if he wasn’t getting exactly what he wished for.

“Gladly,” Jaebum replied, kissing Jinyoung deeply, rolling his body to pin Jinyoung back on the bed, arms held up against the headboard with little resistance. The familiar push and pull of their bodies clicked back on in an instant, the awkward hesitations from the night before completely absent less than twelve hours later. Regretting going to sleep without anything on, Jinyoung blushed deeply as he felt all sense of control drain to his lower half, Jaebum too observant to let anything go unnoticed.

“Excited, are we?” Jaebum chuckled, lips moving along Jinyoung’s jawline, dipping below his chin to suck along his neck.

“N-no,” Jinyoung sighed, head tilted back against the pillows as his hands rested idly at his sides. “You know how it can be in the morning…”

“If that’s what you want to believe, that’s fine,” Jaebum smirked against his collarbones, sucking and nipping along the bone until a dark mark appeared. “I’ll take care of you nonetheless.”

It was just like Jinyoung to want to curse Jaebum out for his lack of offense taken, wanting some sort of reaction from the other man that wasn’t dripping with adoration and affection. But with their new start somewhat underway, Jinyoung swallowed down his old habits, letting himself feel the things he had missed since their split, wanting nothing more than to drown in Jaebum’s overabundance of devotion and care. With so much to say, it was only right to take what he was given until they could discuss it all in depth, letting his tiny moans and sighs replace weak insults and sarcastic one-liners.

As promised, Jaebum treated Jinyoung’s body with absolute tenderness and care, hands caressing his sides up to his chest and back down again, lips meeting once, twice, three times as fingertips grazed sensitive nipples and back down again. It was almost sickening how gentle Jaebum could be, Jinyoung wanting nothing more than to stay in this state of bliss forever, no longer having to think of the consequences their actions could bring. Reaching his hand down between them, Jinyoung felt the kiss deepen yet again, grasping Jaebum’s cock in his fist, brushing his thumb over the tip to slick up his own hand in the process.

With a guttural groan slipping from Jaebum’s mouth, Jinyoung took the brief upper hand to roll Jaebum back onto his side, kissing down the older man’s neck and chest, continuing down his body without protest. Fingers pressing into Jaebum’s hips, Jinyoung dipped his head lower, the tip of Jaebum’s length resting gently against Jinyoung’s plump lower lip, begging to be taken in. Staring back up at the other man, Jinyoung let his innocent stares do the work for him, watching as Jaebum could do nothing but gulp back whatever jumbled words came to the tip of his tongue, head flipping back as Jinyoung got on with his next step of moving his cock into his mouth, tongue lapping at the tip gingerly before taking it in inch by inch. A familiar feeling matched with the same taste of years ago, Jinyoung felt his mind go on autopilot, senses pulling him through the motions as his head bobbed along, hands offering any kind of assistance they could.

Heavy and stiff, Jaebum’s dick served as a reminder of what really turned Jinyoung on most, recalling the clumsy hookup at the first party they attended, remembering how Jinyoung did everything he could to make it seem like he didn’t give a shit if there were feelings attached or not. With the sounds of encouragement Jaebum offered, Jinyoung ignored how he used to feel back then, wanting this start to only build on the good they shared, knowing that after the sex and glow that would hang in the air like some kind of unspoken peace treaty, they would have to address what ended their relationship in the first place.

_But right now, let’s focus on the dick in your mouth. Good, right?_

Pulling off to use his own saliva to stroke the length with ease, Jinyoung looked up at Jaebum, eyes dark and lips reddened from his own frustrated nibbles. They were being too careful, waiting for the other to just make the moves they needed to, but with one single glance, Jinyoung took matters into his own hands, flicking his wrist with expertise as Jaebum hissed in pleasure.

“Let me ride you,” Jinyoung offered, voice scratchy from taking the other in a bit too deep.

“Fuck,” Jaebum sighed, head falling back against the pillows again, hand scrambling to remove itself from where it was planted in Jinyoung’s dark locks to search the bedside drawer for something to ease the friction. “C’mere…”

With a smile that was anything but innocent, Jinyoung shimmied up Jaebum’s body, keeping his legs on either side of his body, cocks brushing as he moved closer within Jaebum’s reach. Letting his own quiet moan fall from his mouth, Jinyoung kissed Jaebum again, not missing the familiar sounds of the bottle of lube snapping open and shut, a cool sensation dripping down against his entrance and onto the man below him. Like clockwork, Jaebum’s hands gripped Jinyoung’s ass with care, fingers massaging and kneading the plump flesh as they continued to make out, neither stopping the natural gyrations of their hips moving together.

“Missed this,” Jinyoung sighed, breath hitching in his throat as Jaebum rolled his hips up, chuckling lowly as they both moaned.

“Missed _this_ ,” Jaebum countered, squeezing Jinyoung’s cheeks firmly before spanking the left side without hesitation, smirking as Jinyoung’s mouth fell open at the contact.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jinyoung hissed, eyes shut tight as he adjusted to the stinging sensation on his behind. “Haven’t lost your touch…”

“For you? Never,” Jaebum moved his hands back to hold his bottom firmly, spreading him before taking a single digit, brushing it gently across Jinyoung’s entrance as if he were asking for more explicit permission. With a slight nod and a whine, Jinyoung encouraged him to take what he wanted, voice cracking on a sigh as Jaebum worked a finger in, both men still rolling their hips together for some kind of contact.

With all the care in the world, Jaebum worked Jinyoung apart, kissing him tenderly with a little more tongue than before, patiently adding another finger as it felt right. Jinyoung felt himself slipping into the daze that used to come with early morning hookups after a longer night of love making, letting his body do most of the talking as he felt himself pressing back against Jaebum’s hand for more. As the other man felt satisfied with his progress, he removed his fingers slowly, reaching for the lube again, coating his own length for Jinyoung’s use.

“Careful now,” Jaebum cooed, watching as Jinyoung sat back up straight, moving back to line himself up with the other’s erection.

“I think I know what I’m doing,” Jinyoung offered with a wink, using his hand to guide the length inside slowly, relaxing every muscle in his body to take in the other. It was full and familiar, the previous night’s events coming back to him again only to be mentally dismissed in favor of creating new memories in that moment. Bracing himself by placing his palms flat against Jaebum’s chest, both men let out a breath they were holding in unison, eyes meeting with soft grins to match.

“You okay?” Jaebum asked, hands moving to either side of Jinyoung’s waist, rubbing his smooth skin in a circular pattern.

“Better than I can say,” Jinyoung replied with a nod, beginning to move himself up and back down, creating his own perfect rhythm that he knew would drive Jaebum crazy. Like it had been all morning and the night before, his body moved as it always had, knowing just the way to twist and turn, to speed up and slow down to drive the man below him mad. While last night they had shared the control, careful to move in tandem in order to not scare the other away, Jinyoung held all the cards in that moment, watching Jaebum come undone so beautifully below him, arching his back up for an even more intense angle.

“Shit, so good,” Jaebum hissed, fingers pressing harder into Jinyoung’s sides as he moved. “Can’t… _fuck_ … can’t believe you’re here…”

It was just like Jaebum to make the moment more emotional than Jinyoung cared for, the man trying his best to ease away the emotional attachment for later analysis. But after the night they had together and the confessions that came from it, it became impossible for him to ignore the importance of what the past day meant to their relationship moving forward. It wasn’t only a hookup or a mistake, a one night tryst in a hotel room in another country. It wasn’t a one-time occurrence or even two people trying to desperately find what was no longer there. It was Jinyoung and Jaebum reconnecting on every level, slotting their separate lives together to find where they stood, ready to finally address what had been hanging above them for the past ten months.

Fading into a pleasant haze of sexual fulfillment and happiness, Jinyoung barely even flinched as Jaebum took his hands in his own, giving him a boost of strength to continue on, both knowing it wouldn’t last much longer. As Jinyoung intended, Jaebum finished first, shamelessly remaining inside of Jinyoung as he came, frozen in place until a nudge from Jinyoung reminded him the job wasn’t completely done, hand moving to make quick work of Jinyoung’s length, jerking him to finality with only a few strokes.

Moving to lay side by side in breathlessness, Jaebum was the first to speak, always knowing what to say to keep things moving forward, not letting Jinyoung drag himself back into his regretful past.

“Pancakes okay?” Jaebum asked with a smile that showed every tooth, cheeks still flushed with adrenaline.

“And coffee,” Jinyoung replied, offering a closed-mouth grin back, skin sticky with perspiration.

“Of course,” Jaebum giggled softly, giving another soft peck to the boy, moving to roll out of bed, pulling his underwear back on. “Anything for you.”

With a greasy wink, Jaebum dodged a pillow Jinyoung tossed in his direction, heading towards the kitchen. Sighing to himself, Jinyoung stayed still, head resting against the pillows until he found the strength to make it to the bathroom. One hot and relaxing shower later, Jinyoung pulled on the pajamas Jaebum had offered him the night before, breathing in the scent that they had acquired from being inside of Jaebum’s dresser, the familiar smell making his morning that much more enjoyable. While Jinyoung wasn’t completely sure what he was doing by showing up at his old apartment, yelling up at a window and sleeping with Jaebum, he felt satisfied with his choices up to that moment, understanding that they would eventually get on the same page about everything. It all felt so _right_ , making any complaints Jinyoung would normally have difficult to dig up to the surface.

Even as Jinyoung made his way towards the sizzling sounds emitting from the stove in the kitchen, he couldn’t help but take in the familiar surroundings that no longer seemed to mock him, but rather comfort him in his time of slight uneasiness: the bookshelf they used to share in the living room still appearing half-empty from when Jinyoung had moved out, the clear divot in the couch corner Jinyoung used to curl himself into while watching crime drama marathons on television, the various circle-shaped stains from one too many late night coffees resting on the table in front of the television.

But perhaps the most comforting image of all was the presence of his once-discarded gift of a cactus, still thriving on the windowsill above the sink in the kitchen, no longer a symbol of what was once lost. Smiling to himself as he approached it to get a closer look, Jinyoung nearly knocked into Jaebum as the older man offered him a fresh mug of coffee, ushering him over to the kitchen table without an argument.

“Caramel, like you like,” Jaebum smiled. “Food will be ready in a second.”

Taking a seat, Jinyoung nodded and smiled, drinking from the mug Jaebum always used for his morning meals, sighing happily at the sight in front of him. It felt like any other Saturday morning when they were together, no lingering feelings of a fight to be found. Jaebum, clad only in his boxer briefs, stood in front of the hot stove, flipping golden brown pancakes onto a small platter, checking on some sausages for a side. It was something Jinyoung never thought he’d see again, a memory to be locked away forever. But after his fumble of a confession that he wanted Jaebum too, things seemed to be heading the right way, a fuzzy feeling spreading from his chest to his fingertips.

_He loves you, you idiot._

Jinyoung nearly dropped his coffee from his hands at the memory of Jaebum blurting out his feelings in the rain, his brain somehow repressing the sight until he had nothing else to think about. Jaebum had confessed breathlessly in the middle of a storm that Jinyoung had dragged him out into, yet Jinyoung was the one who couldn’t make up his mind with what to say. After spending the night digging through a box that contained nothing but Jaebum, Jinyoung became an emotional wreck and only could think of one place to go. But was he ready to admit what he had been feeling recently? Was it enough to prove that things had finally shifted a certain direction?

Was it time for Jinyoung to say those three words back to Jaebum?

It wasn’t unusual for Jinyoung to be the one to respond to a confession rather than initiate one; Jaebum was always so _sure_ of himself in every situation, leaving Jinyoung to pick up his own slack. For once, he began to regret not beating him to the punch, wanting so badly to say _I love you_ without the _too_ lingering at the end, a symbol that he would never have enough confidence to get there first. Knowing Jaebum as well as he did, he knew he wouldn’t react like Kang-joon had, the other man understanding of Jinyoung’s hesitations and willing to deal with them as long as the effort was apparent.

A plate filled with food was placed in front of him, Jaebum joining him across the table with his own coffee, signalling that he should eat up. From the first bite, Jinyoung knew it was all made with love, the comforting texture of the pillowy pancake easing his nerves back into place. It felt surreal to not want to fight the advances of a well-cooked breakfast or a night spent together, but Jinyoung was tired of fighting what he actually wanted, accepting the fact that he wanted to be happy after many months alone and miserable.

“How are you feeling?” Jaebum asked, chewing on some breakfast meat.

“Well, I can’t lie,” Jinyoung smiled, wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “It had been awhile, I’m a bit sore…”

“Not exactly what I meant,” Jaebum chuckled, shaking his head as Jinyoung blushed. “You didn’t catch a cold from being out in the rain last night, did you?”

“Oh,” Jinyoung felt the tips of his ears burning, an embarrassed smile spreading across his face. “I feel okay, I swear. I know that wasn’t… my brightest moment.”

“As long as you aren’t sick,” Jaebum smiled, “that’s all that matters.”

“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut,” Jinyoung laughed quietly, shrugging, “even if it means losing all common sense.”

“I’m just happy you’re here,” Jaebum replied, face shining with some sort of pride that only came from seeing Jinyoung back where he belonged. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too,” Jinyoung admitted quietly, surprised at himself for easily agreeing.

“You aren’t going to run?” Jaebum joked, eyes still a bit reserved as he didn’t seem fully convinced.

“No, I won’t,” Jinyoung reassured him, even reaching across the table to take his hand in his own. “But don’t think this is easy for me. There’s a lot we have to talk about.”

“I know it’s not,” Jaebum finished the final bites of food on his plate, wiping his mouth. “We have all the time in the world to talk.”

“Wow,” Jinyoung laughed, eyebrow raised. “Still patient after all this time?”

“Let’s save this for another day and just enjoy ourselves, okay?” Jaebum insisted, standing up to clear the table, coming back with a refill of coffee for Jinyoung. “Spend the day with me.”

“And do what?” Jinyoung drank from his mug, two hands gripping the sides tight.

“Absolutely nothing.”

_Can you say jackpot?_

 

 

It was something Jinyoung hadn’t experienced with anyone other than Jaebum.

Like any other lazy weekend he enjoyed, Jinyoung felt happy to spend the entire day in pajamas, eating random snacks and filling up on lukewarm coffee, eyes glued to the television as yet another episode of his favorite show began to play. The only difference between that day and any other before it was that Jinyoung’s head no longer rested on the arm of the couch, but rather against Jaebum’s shoulder and chest, the older man reading from another worn paperback as they lounged together. It was the most comfortable he had been in years; the apartment felt like nothing had changed since Jaebum had started his new job.

As Jinyoung grew tired of his show, he couldn’t help but swing his legs around to sit in Jaebum’s lap, pushing the book aside in favor of demanding his full attention, lips crashing together in another round of ‘making up for lost time.’ They didn’t go as far as they did that morning or the night before, leaving the heavier things for another time as they simply enjoyed each other’s company. Sly smiles and subtle laughter shared between them filled Jinyoung’s heart with something he didn’t recognize, hearing Bambam’s voice in the back of his head asking if he was finally allowing himself to be happy.

“Go out with me,” Jaebum insisted after a soft kiss with Jinyoung’s fingers sliding through his hair. “Tonight, I mean. Let me take you to dinner.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Jinyoung acted as if he would bring back his negativity, unable to hide the smile that seemed permanently etched onto his face. “I haven’t been home since yesterday and I have nothing to wear.”

“You were never home before you moved in with me and you can borrow something of mine,” Jaebum solved the problems instantly, holding Jinyoung’s hips in his lap. “I know you can find something you like.”

“Well,” Jinyoung began, attempting to find something else to argue about, not wanting to continue looking like he had softened over the years, “I don’t go out with my exes.”

“Is that what I am?” Jaebum looked amused, wrapping his arms around Jinyoung who crossed his against his own chest.

“By the very definition, yes,” Jinyoung clarified, looking off into the kitchen knowing that he’d crack a smile if he met Jaebum’s eyes. “Exes can’t be friends.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t just want to be your friend then, isn’t it?”

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why is he always like this? Why does he always know exactly what to say?_

“I guess I’ll have to wait and see,” Jinyoung tilted his head back, cocky smile attempting to hide the way his heart was racing from one simple statement. “Can I pick the restaurant?”

“Of course,” Jaebum smiled, suddenly standing up, keeping his grip strong around Jinyoung as he let out a sharp squeal, nervously kicking his legs before wrapping them around Jaebum’s waist.

“You’re trying to kill me!” Jinyoung scolded, arms bracing himself around Jaebum’s neck. “Don’t you have any shame?”

“With you, I have nothing to lose,” Jaebum laughed, carrying them both into the bedroom to get ready for what Jinyoung secretly hoped would be their last first date.

 

  
  
After scouring Jaebum’s closet for something he deemed worthy of his body, Jinyoung dressed himself in a pair of black slacks and an oversized baby blue button down that hung off his shoulders, reminding him of how broad Jaebum really was. Gulping back an inappropriate thought to match, Jinyoung borrowed a small dollop of pomade and a spare toothbrush to freshen himself up, doing as best as he could for the limited resources found in the apartment. Exiting the bathroom, Jinyoung noticed Jaebum with a more fitted black shirt of his own, tucked into some light wash skinny jeans. Thinking back to the first week he knew Jaebum, Jinyoung remembered a similar outfit that made his heart race, biting back a smile as he reminisced internally about the library.

“See, it’s not so bad,” Jaebum smiled, patting Jinyoung’s shoulder as he came over. “A little big, but not _bad_.”

“I have more fashion sense in my left pinky than you do in your whole body,” Jinyoung scoffed, rolling the cuff of the shirt up his forearm.

“And yet, you look best wearing something I own,” Jaebum smirked, grabbing his keys from the counter. “Funny how that works.”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung mumbled, concealing the blush creeping onto his face. “I agree to a date and this is how you treat me?”

“I’ve been patient,” Jaebum looked at the other fondly, Jinyoung remembering how the slight difference in their height was only ever apparent when he least wanted it to be. “I think you can handle my teasing. You always used to before.”

“Let’s just focus on the now tonight,” Jinyoung offered, not wanting to bring up anything from three years ago, still slightly uncomfortable with the idea that they’d have to discuss things eventually. “Ready?”

“Absolutely,” Jaebum smiled, walking over to the door and holding it open, letting Jinyoung exit before locking it behind the both of them.

Heading down the stairs and into the parking lot, the pair climbed into Jaebum’s SUV, Jinyoung praying to whoever would listen that Jaebum wouldn’t bring up the last time he had been in the car, still remembering how twisted Bambam and Yugyeom could be with their pranks. Thankfully, Jaebum clicked on the radio without a comment of what had happened that night, driving in comfortable silence that didn’t thicken like it used to towards the end of their relationship. Jinyoung looked out the window, watching as cars and pedestrians passed by, wondering how things could fall into place so easily when he had been fighting his true feelings ever since that October night.

 

 

Once at the restaurant, Jaebum parked and walked inside, following behind Jinyoung as he continued his perfect gentleman act, holding open doors and trying to keep Jinyoung as comfortable as possible. After waiting only a few minutes, they were brought to their table, sitting quietly as they settled in. Looking over all the options available, Jinyoung was unable to ignore the urge to peer over his menu to observe Jaebum in the moody lighting they were seated under. Jaebum, while appearing effortlessly suave with his hair slicked back and ears once again lined with earrings, had aged without Jinyoung even noticing until that moment, faint lines resting along his eyelids. Jinyoung wondered if he looked older than the kid Jaebum taunted in the library aisle, forcing fake disinterest, mature beyond his years.

“Everything okay?” Jaebum laughed, jolting Jinyoung back to reality from his daydream of their youth, smiling shyly as he covered his face with his menu.

“Yes,” Jinyoung stated, acting as if he wasn’t caught red-handed by staring at the other man. “I just need a drink.”

As if right on cue, their waitress appeared, Jaebum ordering a bottle of wine for them to share, Jinyoung offering a smile of appreciation once she returned with two glasses. Placing their food order next, Jinyoung sipped from his glass delicately, sighing happily as he began to relax.

“So,” Jinyoung leaned back in his chair, enjoying the casual atmosphere and murmur of other patrons surrounding them. “There’s a lot we could talk about.”

“I know,” Jaebum chuckled, arm resting against the table. “Let’s keep it light tonight, shall we? How’s school?”

“School is… okay,” Jinyoung smiled, placing his glass back on the table. “A lot better than the first time around. I actually _want_ to learn. I’m interested in the content we’re covering and it feels like I should be there… like I should have done this a long time ago.”

“There’s no rush,” Jaebum ensured him, smile still soft and kind. “I knew you’d figure it all out eventually. You’re doing a lot more than most people can handle. School and a full time job? I’m proud of you, Jinyoung.”

It was another reminder that things didn’t have to be as difficult as Jinyoung made them out to be, realizing that Jaebum had fought through a lot of the same mental struggles as he had over the years. Their split, which had once felt so one-sided, such a blow to Jinyoung’s entire self-worth, was no longer enough to keep Jinyoung from reaching across the table to take Jaebum’s hand into his own, squeezing it lightly. When Jaebum spoke such simple compliments such as _I’m proud of you_ , it made Jinyoung’s heart constrict tightly within his chest, forcing his stomach to shake loose the thousands of butterflies that fluttered loosely through his body.

_You know what three words would sound reaaaally good right now? C’mon! Say it!_

“Thank you, Jaebum,” Jinyoung managed to reply, fingers resting within Jaebum’s grasp, another phrase caught in the back of his throat. “How’s, uh, being the… creative director?”

“You remembered,” Jaebum laughed, cracking an easy smile. “It’s different, that’s for sure. Sometimes I miss not having this much responsibility. I miss being on the road.”

“Didn’t you say you could request a trip if you really wanted to?” Jinyoung asked, hoping his recollection of the finite details of Jaebum’s return weren’t alarming.

“I could, yeah,” Jaebum looked down, his random shyness making its first appearance all night, “but I don’t want to deal with leaving again, not even for a little bit. It’s not the right time.”

“Why’s that?” Jinyoung asked innocently, taking another drink from his glass.

“You see, there’s this guy,” Jaebum began to explain, Jinyoung incapable of hiding his knowing smirk as he propped his chin up by his hand against the table.

“A guy?” Jinyoung asked, biting his bottom lip in amusement. “Tell me more…”

“We had something a long time ago,” Jaebum began, playing along with Jinyoung’s antics as he always used to. “I thought he was so different. He didn’t try to act like he could be anyone but himself, you know? He trusted me and I fell in love instantly. But even though we tried, we failed. I think we were too young to understand what it meant to love someone else, to make things work.

“I wanted to believe that distance couldn’t break us, but it did,” Jaebum continued, his emotional monologue pulling a bit too strongly on Jinyoung’s heartstrings as the younger man swallowed any sign of emotion back. “We didn’t speak for a very long time and I tried to move on, but I couldn’t. I wanted a second chance even though I thought he’d never give me one. I knew it wasn’t all my fault, but I was ready to accept all the blame if it would bring him back to me.”

Jaebum always had a way of being the bigger person, the one to smooth things over and take a loss if it meant keeping things better for the sake of their relationship. Hearing him admit that everything could be forgiven if Jinyoung would open his heart again to him only added to the chill shooting up Jinyoung’s spine, everything feeling more realistic by the second. They had torn themselves apart, shredded their trust into tiny pieces, yet it had rematerialized into a fresh start, an opportunity to rebuild even stronger than before. Older and wiser, Jinyoung no longer wanted to play games, sick of wanting the upper hand when it didn’t matter in the end; with Jaebum, they were equal, the perfect push and pull necessary to keep them both level-headed.

“I’m glad you’ve stayed,” Jinyoung confessed, vulnerability out on display more prominently than ever before, Jaebum smiling even brighter than he had been previously at the admission. “The past year has been interesting, to say the least. Having you around wasn’t always easy and it seemed like we’d never be on the same page, but here we are… and it’s because you stayed.”

“I meant it,” Jaebum interjected, “when I said I came back because I missed you, I mean.”

“I believe you,” Jinyoung assured, “and I’m beyond flattered.”

“Cocky,” Jaebum commented, laughing to himself as their food arrived. “Anyone ever tell you that?”

“Possibly,” Jinyoung giggled, sending a wink Jaebum’s way, using his food as the perfect excuse to ignore the urge to say something else overwhelmingly saccharine.

 

 

After filling up on bread and pasta, the two men found more room for dessert, splitting a piece of cake covered in whipped cream and cocoa powder before deeming the meal a success. On their way out, Jaebum suggested a movie or a walk in the park, but Jinyoung confessed that he was feeling quite tired, insinuating that a trip back home would be preferred. While the drive to the restaurant had been silent, yet relaxed, the ride back to the apartment was lively and chatty, Jinyoung unable to stop himself from retelling stories about the other students in his classes or the crazy antics of his coworkers. No longer feeling the need to keep his real life separated from his past with Jaebum, Jinyoung felt free to be himself again, talking more than he had in months, laughing obnoxiously as Jaebum made inappropriate jokes about their shared friends and interests.

Once back in the familiar parking lot, Jaebum got out of the vehicle first, rushing over to open Jinyoung’s door before the younger man could even reach for the handle, goofy smile still plastered onto his face as if he hadn’t had a good date since their last over three years ago.

“You sure you wanna call it a night?” Jaebum asked, eyebrows raised in hope he would change his mind.

“Yeah, it’s nothing personal,” Jinyoung shrugged, beginning to walk towards his car with Jaebum walking right by his side. “I didn’t expect to spend the night, to be honest. Definitely didn’t expect to go on a date the next night, too.”

“I like when you let yourself be spontaneous,” Jaebum complimented, arm knocking into his on purpose. “Your happiness… it’s infectious.”

“Who said I was happy?” Jinyoung laughed, resting his back against his car door once they had arrived at his old sedan, Jaebum placing one hand against the frame to lean in closer to Jinyoung’s space. “You need to stop making assumptions, _Jaebummie_.”

“I love it when you talk dirty…” Jaebum growled playfully, Jinyoung giggling as their lips met, lazily kissing like two star-crossed teenage lovers in the faint dusk light.

Not wanting to admit his own happiness to even himself, Jinyoung smiled into the kiss more, hoping that his tongue could do most of the talking itself, letting his hands rest on the leather of Jaebum’s belt. Neither of them had addressed what was next the entire night, but the lack of pressure eased Jinyoung’s mind into a blissful state, letting things fall into place on their own accord. With Jaebum’s lips on his own and an unspoken promise that he was willing to try again, Jinyoung knew he could begin to make peace with himself, understanding that reliving the past was certainly inevitable, but didn’t have to be the first step they took together for their future.

Pulling away slowly, Jaebum looked down at Jinyoung with hooded eyes, lips shiny from their brief makeout session as he sighed quietly.

“Hey,” he barely whispered, noses only a few centimeters apart, breath ghosting across Jinyoung’s cheeks.

“Hey…” Jinyoung replied even quieter, the hushed sound too faint for even the sharpest of hearing.

Looking up through his lashes, Jinyoung focused on the man he had loved and lost, the man who came back because he missed what they had. It seemed impossible that he would accept Jaebum’s advances again, that he could trust someone who broke his heart after knowing how fragile it could be. Yet, Jinyoung hadn’t been lucky with those willing to give him a chance, still hung up on one person who taught him how to love. He was scared and he knew Jaebum was, too; if things didn’t work out a second time, it was more than just bad timing and a lack of effort. The idea of their next chapter being all or nothing made his heart race, his palms sweaty, his mouth dry. Overwhelming and inescapable, the dire nature of the situation forced Jinyoung into a corner, letting his gaze drift down and hands to retreat to his sides.

“I gotta go,” Jinyoung picked three words that didn’t sit quite right, Jaebum frozen in place before breaking his stance with a nod, stepping back in order for Jinyoung to open his car door. “I’ll call you?”

“Not if I do it first,” Jaebum smiled, the corners drooping a bit with something Jinyoung hoped wasn’t disappointment.

“Goodnight, Jaebum,” Jinyoung laughed airily, dipping down to sit in the front seat, Jaebum shutting the door for him and taking a step back as the engine started.

Offering a small wave as he maneuvered out of the parking lot, Jinyoung sighed to himself, nearly knocking his own head against the steering wheel in frustration at the first red light. Even _he_ could count the amount of perfect opportunities he had to admit his feelings to the other man, yet every single time Jinyoung found something else to say, another action to work as an excuse to put it off until later. While his procrastination habits became absent from his schoolwork, it was clear they had manifested elsewhere, dragging Jinyoung’s heart along with them in the dirt.

_He’s patient. He loves you. It’ll all be okay, Park Jinyoung._

 

 

Back home in his lonely apartment, Jinyoung couldn’t help but notice the stark contrasts between what he considered to be his home and the place he had spent most of his day within. While Jaebum’s apartment was filled with memories and a lingering sense that two people once made it their own, Jinyoung’s place never reached its full potential, lingering on the edge of blandness. Jinyoung hadn’t intended for the space to feel so vacant, obviously having a strong personality of his own. However, between dealing with the constant thoughts of longing for a lost love and getting his life back to where he wanted it to be, the apartment never really felt like _home_ , the space settling for being only a place to eat, work and sleep.

The one common trait was what grew in the kitchen, Jinyoung’s tiny cactus still surviving even when he couldn’t bear to look at it, remembering the circumstances in which he received it. Even back on Jaebum’s good side, Jinyoung still felt the immense guilt for tossing away his present from their first date, not wanting to know what Jaebum thought as he rescued it from the trash and placed it in its rightful spot. Symbolizing so much more than Jinyoung himself, the cactus (and even the new version in his own kitchen) would hopefully last as long as his feelings for the other man, even if it was difficult to find the words to say.

Heading back into his bedroom, Jinyoung laughed at the scene strewn across the floor, bending down to gather all of the objects he had tossed around from his box of memories with Jaebum, overwhelmed at the irony at all that had happened since he opened it. Analyzing each object fondly, Jinyoung happily packed everything back up, pushing the box back into his closet, but not bothering to conceal it the way he had before. Getting up and stretching, Jinyoung changed out of the clothes he had borrowed from Jaebum, placing them to the side as a reminder to wash and return them, going to brush his teeth before returning to his bedroom.

Slipping on the black t-shirt of Jaebum’s he had uncovered the night before, Jinyoung moved in between his sheets, checking his phone one last time before bed, turning his bedside light off as a simple message illuminated the screen

 

**Jaebum**

_Thank you for today. Sweet dreams._

 

 

Waking up with his stomach in knots, Jinyoung couldn’t force himself to move out of bed, staring straight up at the blank ceiling above. The day before had been nearly perfect, waking up to a warm body and a sense of a new beginning, enjoying a round of passion in bed before being served a homemade breakfast. Alone in his blank apartment, Jinyoung only wished he had spent another night with Jaebum, his body craving the sense of normalcy it brought to his weekend. It was almost as if the past three years hadn’t happened at all, like his body wanted to pick up right where they left off before things started to go south.

Glancing over at his phone, Jinyoung sent a quick _good morning, thanks for last night_ text off in response to Jaebum before forcing himself into the bathroom to shower, washing up and humming to himself as he went over the day again in his head. It had felt too good to be true which could explain why he hadn’t been able to tell Jaebum what his heart was begging him to, reality not quite setting in. He was ready to be happy and to have the other man back in his life, but he had to keep his own pace, only ready to speak once assured it was safe.

Once out of the shower and dressed in casual weekend loungewear, Jinyoung debated calling Mark, wishing he was still dorming together with the other man so he didn’t have to swallow his pride to ask for advice, rather receiving it unsolicited. While the idea was tempting, Jinyoung quickly dismissed the thought, wanting to come to his own conclusions without reminders from his best friend that he was being an idiot and that he already knew what he felt, so what was the hold up? Mark and Jackson loved each other without restraint or shame, effortlessly communicating with even just a single glance. Jinyoung and Jaebum had once been at a similar point, barely motioning to know what the other was thinking, but as their lives started to weave themselves back together, Jinyoung still had difficulty deciphering the reasoning for everything Jaebum had done since breaking up with Youngjae. It could have meant everything or nothing at all, and it drove Jinyoung crazy to think he could be missing something so obvious.

_Wait, I thought we were done overthinking? He loves you. What else is there to uncover?_

Picking up on his schoolwork from where he had tossed it aside on Friday night, Jinyoung refocused himself on matters relating to his current career, pleasantly making progress without too many distractions. Of course, his mind did wander off a minute or so here or there to think of Jaebum and all that they had done together, but it was comforting to know it wouldn’t be the last time, assuming that Jaebum would continue to let him make the first move. Even without speaking on the topics they needed to sort through, there was no denying the renewal of mutual feelings, a tiny spark reigniting their once extinguished flame.

Hours later after his books were packed away and some more weekend chores were completed, Jinyoung changed into something a bit more presentable to wear to his parents’ house for dinner, pulling on his trademark loose-fitting black slacks and a long-sleeved cotton tee, fixing his hair a bit before heading out the door. It had been a few weeks since he had seen his parents, still keeping in touch via phone calls and texts, but Jinyoung always preferred to see them in person, happy to catch up and have a piece of his childhood so close by; no one had to know that the free meal was only a bonus to being in his parents’ company.

As Jinyoung listened to the radio on his drive over, the station he always seemed to gravitate to started to play a familiar tune, one he had heard hundreds, maybe even thousands of times before. Unlike the last time the song had played in his presence, Jinyoung didn’t feel the need to switch the dial to anything else, moving his fingers to turn up the volume slightly.

It was a warm summer night, much different than the storms he endured a couple nights prior, the open window pushing the wind through his hair as memories came flooding back. Jinyoung remembered the first night he spent with Jaebum after moving in, the two completely enthralled with the idea that they’d have their own space all to themselves, barely able to make it through dinner before Jinyoung was climbing into Jaebum’s lap across the table. Another thought took him back to a wedding he had helped Jaebum and Mark cover, sharing a single piece of wedding cake the happy couple had passed along, possibly out of pity, legs dangling off the edge of the industrial kitchen counter as Jaebum’s lips tasted like sugar-coated strawberries. Even a bittersweet memory crossed his mind, recalling how he waited by his phone after clearing his schedule one Friday night, waiting for Jaebum to call as he worked abroad, texting Mark about his reservations about their relationship as his phone remained silent. Of course, waking up to ten texts in a row filled with apologies didn’t exactly make up for what happened, but Jinyoung wanted so badly to believe that they could still make things work, even if he didn’t feel strong enough to last.

Their lives never seemed extraordinary on the surface, both working average jobs and having average experiences in their day to day lives. However, together they were a force, a sum greater than their parts, able to make the most of a mundane afternoon together without spending a dime. Jaebum taught him how to love and in return, Jinyoung gave him his heart, entrusting the other man to keep it safe, knowing there would be no one else to do the job better, not even in a million years. While some had said it was foolish to believe that Jinyoung had already met the love of his life, he knew it to be true, only justified in his reasoning after feeling like he had wasted his time with other people after their split.

With a head full of memories and even more questions, Jinyoung sighed in relief as he pulled into the driveway of his childhood home, knowing if anyone could help, his mother would offer a willing ear, always having the best perspective on a situation. Jinyoung wished to call it _unbiased_ , but his mother only wanted the best for her son, good times or bad.

Not bothering to knock, Jinyoung slipped through the backdoor, announcing his arrival to his parents as they stood near the stove in the kitchen, offering them both a hug and kiss before removing his shoes. As the good son that he considered himself to be, he set the table for dinner without needing to be asked, making sure his mother didn’t need any extra help before sitting with his father to watch some television as she finished. Once ready to eat, Jinyoung smiled brightly and thanked his mother for everything as he sat at the table, digging in once everything had been served.

Luckily for Jinyoung, his pleasant mood didn’t go unnoticed by his mother, her slender but strong grip keeping him in the kitchen to help her clean up as his father went back into the other room to nap off the large meal. Instructing him to bring the dishes to the sink, his mother handed him a sponge and dish soap, turning on the tap to fill the basin with hot water.

“You seem to be in good spirits tonight,” she commented, smiling as she rinsed the dishes Jinyoung cleaned. “Everything going well with your work and schooling?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung shrugged, acting as the good son he always tried to be, passing the clean dishes over one by one. “It’s tricky, but the term is nearly over. I’m looking forward to a bit of a break.”

“You should have Mark and Jackson take you out,” she giggled. “They’re very good friends to you, Jinyoung.”

“They are,” Jinyoung bit his lip, debating the best way to approach the next part of their conversation, “but I think I’m going to make plans with someone else.”

“Oh?” Jinyoung’s mother smiled as if she already knew the answer, still going forward with her line of questioning boldly. “Anyone I know?”

“Well, yeah,” Jinyoung shrugged, scrubbing the bottom of a pan, debating if he should elaborate much further than that. “You know him.”

“I see,” she turned back to the sink, yanking the pan from Jinyoung’s grip in order to rinse it clean. “Does that mean Jaebum will be joining us again for dinner soon?”

Nearly knocking over a line of glasses resting at the bottom of the sink, Jinyoung turned bright red as his mother laughed, her own hand coming up to cover up her mouth much like his own habit.

“It’s been written all over your face all night, sweetheart,” she soothed, patting his shoulder gently as he sulked. “A mother just _knows_.”

“Well, if you know, how come I don’t?” Jinyoung sighed, a bit frustrated in his adolescent-leaning issues. “I mean, I _guess_ I know, but I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what can happen once I do.”

“You two have been through so much,” his mother began, forcing him to put down everything in the sink to make direct eye contact, gaze soft and supportive. “I know how hard you took him leaving and all the effort you made to move on with your life. It’s okay to feel conflicted over going back to square one. It’s okay to be scared.”

“What if it happens again?” Jinyoung said a bit quieter, his biggest fear confessed easily to the one person who would truly understand. “What if we really _aren’t_ meant to be together?”

“I don’t think anyone or anything can decide that except you and Jaebum,” Jinyoung’s mother smiled, hand rubbing his back gently in support. “If the love is there, it will grow.”

Without another word, Jinyoung was handed a stack of dirty plates, the chore keeping his hands busy as his mind began to process her motherly advice, wondering if their love was ready to bloom.

 

 

Sent home with a bag of freshly baked cookies, Jinyoung opted to take the side streets home, weaving through quiet neighborhoods to give himself an opportunity to think before he’d return back to his apartment, climb into bed and wake up the next morning, dreading his work’s early start. While his mother had been more direct than anticipated, Jinyoung couldn’t help but analyze her advice, wondering what she had gone through in her earlier years to make her so wise about love, hoping all of her tips were what led her to his father, keeping their relationship a goal in mind.

What didn’t help was how easily she knew that Jinyoung’s smile had been influenced by Jaebum’s presence back in his life, the weekend a familiar feeling back to their happier days together. While Jinyoung had nearly forgotten his many missed opportunities to come clean to the other man, he still appreciated what it all represented, the tiny steps they had taken all rushing them towards a point where they could leap, Jaebum already dangling off the edge, ready to drag Jinyoung along.

_What’s so hard about saying how you actually feel? At least you realize what it means, unlike the first time around._

Jaebum wasn’t perfect. He tried to look like he had his shit together, but in reality, he was just better at covering up his flaws than Jinyoung was. He got toothpaste all over the sink and drank milk straight from the carton, left his shoes in the middle of the floor and never wanted to throw anything away. When Jinyoung was still in school the first time around, he was distracting and a terrible study partner, letting his words and actions speak louder than the material being discussed. He wasn’t very good at changing the sheets on their bed and he struggled with the idea that he had to replace his razor more than four times a year.

Yet, Jinyoung had learned to deal with all of it, understanding that his many quirky habits had met their match, knowing that so much had to go unspoken to work as a couple. They each had their positive traits and their faults, some more obvious than others, but all ultimately coming together to strengthen their loving bond. Stubborn and patient somehow mixed, bringing them back to the crossroads they had split at before. Older and wiser three years later, Jinyoung didn’t want to guess what path to take, hoping to choose to go down the same one together, filtering out the possibilities of failure; if he were to try again, he’d never let it happen, remembering how hard he should have fought to keep Jaebum there in the first place.

While lost in his stream of consciousness, Jinyoung didn’t notice the path he had driven, suddenly turning onto Jaebum’s street just like the day he had been fired from his previous job. It was totally _Jinyoung_ to get caught up in the moment so much that he hadn’t realized where he was going, back on autopilot from the days he had called the apartment _home_. Hesitating as the entrance approached, Jinyoung ultimately decided to pull into the lot and park, turning off the engine and resting his hands on the steering wheel to understand what the hell he was about to do.

_Jinyoung, get a fucking grip. You’re here. I think you know what you have to do. Got it?_

Hands beginning to shake in anticipation, Jinyoung opened his car door and stepped outside, shutting it behind him as he walked towards the building. Nearly jogging up the stairs and towards the number that he knew so well, his throat went dry, thoughts beginning to race as he got closer. How he ended up there, he didn’t want to know, cursing at his body for betraying him yet again. It had only been two days since he appeared under Jaebum’s window, yelling through the rain to speak to him, selfishly demanding the other man to come outside and join him. Ready to face the other without the dramatics of a raging thunderstorm, Jinyoung took a deep breath as he stood at the apartment’s entry, feet shoulder-width apart, hand raising to knock lightly in the center of the door, Jaebum answering only seconds later, outfitted in comfy worn-in denim and a crewneck sweatshirt.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum smiled, face lighting up at the sight greeting him at the door. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“S-sorry,” Jinyoung stuttered, cursing at himself in his head again for the clumsy response only one word into their interaction. “I was driving home and passing by so I figured… I’d stop.”

“Did you wanna come in?” Jaebum stood off to the side, letting a gap form between the doorframe and Jinyoung to usher him inside. “I know you probably can’t stay late, but I don’t mind.”

“No,” Jinyoung blurted out, shaking his head as he sighed. “Fuck, that’s not how I meant that. I meant… well, I don’t want to come in. Not yet, anyway. It’s not why I’m here.”

“That’s fine,” Jaebum chuckled, moving himself to lean against the edge of the doorway, eyes twinkling with amusement, “but then… why are you here?”

“I’m here because I’m a liar,” Jinyoung stated, taking another deep breath before nodding his head firmly. “I lied, Jaebum.”

“You lied?” Jaebum’s posture deflated a bit, arrogance seeping away. “About what?”

Seeing Jaebum finally crack under a single statement he made, Jinyoung felt that classic sense of power in their interaction, thanking whoever was watching him above for the theoretical upper hand.

“When I said I didn’t know,” Jinyoung continued, confidence building with every word, his gut doing its best to reel him back in. “When you told me you knew why I drove over in the middle of the night Friday. I knew then and I’ve known for months and I’m tired of pretending like I don’t.”

Jaebum remained quiet, eyes softening at the words Jinyoung spoke as if the wave of realization had started to wash over him as well, the tide pulling him into the same world as Jinyoung continued with his explanation.

“I’ve never told you this, but,” Jinyoung licked his lips nervously as he looked down, clearing his throat as he took a step closer to Jaebum, “the butterflies came back. Every time you look at me, I feel them. It’s so childish to describe it that way, but it’s the only thing that can even begin to explain how it feels to look at the person you’ve become and how strongly I feel for you.

“There’s so much more I want to do with you before it’s too late,” Jinyoung cracked a smile at his own statement, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth before connecting his gaze with Jaebum’s. “I’ve wasted too much time thinking there could ever be someone else out there for me.”

“Jinyoung…” Jaebum barely whispered, reaching out to hold Jinyoung’s face in his hands gently, ignoring the slight sting of tears forming behind his eyes. “What are you saying?”

_Deep breath. You can do this. It’s now or never._

“I love you,” Jinyoung sighed, hands reaching over to embrace Jaebum tightly, burying his face in his neck as he fought off tears from three years of pretending he was okay. “I’ve always loved you, Jaebum.”

Knowing just what Jinyoung needed, Jaebum didn’t say a word at first, simply stroking Jinyoung’s hair as the younger man calmed down, not letting a tear fall but still taking deep breaths, the weight of his unnecessary emotional baggage finally shaking loose. He had missed prime opportunities to be honest, not only with himself, but with the ones he loved, but Jinyoung felt satisfied with that moment, body safe in Jaebum’s arms.

“I love you, too,” Jaebum kissed the top of his head, still hugging him tight. “Glad I only had a couple days of driving myself crazy wondering if I said it too soon.”

“You always manage to out-romance me,” Jinyoung smacked his chest playfully, “idiot.”

“You sure you’re not just saying it because I said it first?” Jaebum raised an eyebrow, Jinyoung perking his head up from his cozy corner of Jaebum’s neck.

“Of course I’m not just saying it, are you insane?” Jinyoung spat, Jaebum laughing at the outrageous reaction from the other. “Jesus Christ, for someone who said he knows me better than anyone else, you sure say some pretty dumb things.”

“I had to check,” Jaebum giggled softly, pulling Jinyoung back in for another tight hug, offering a soft kiss to his lips. “Besides, you’re _still_ cute when you get mad.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinyoung waved him off, unable to hide his grin from finally admitting the truth, not only to Jaebum, but also for himself to hear.

“You know, this is all just the start,” Jaebum said a bit more seriously, knowing Jinyoung had considered their past as a big factor for their potential future, “but as long as we both feel the same now, I think we can get through all that.”

“I know we can,” Jinyoung agreed with a nod, feeling Jaebum’s grip travel down to his hips. “How about we save that for another day and enjoy our fresh start tonight?”

“Deal,” Jaebum smiled, looking at Jinyoung as if it were the first day he had laid eyes on him.

“So… wanna go for a ride?”

Leaning in for deeper kiss, Jinyoung couldn’t help but pull at Jaebum’s cozy flannel shirt, smiling as their lips parted ways.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

After grabbing his helmet and following Jinyoung down the stairs, Jaebum climbed onto his motorcycle in his parking spot, letting Jinyoung adjust himself on the seat behind him. Once their helmets were secure, Jinyoung didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms tight around Jaebum’s broad chest, no longer afraid of what it might mean, giggling to himself as the engine started.

As Jaebum took off in no particular direction, Jinyoung pressed his palm firmly against Jaebum’s chest, easily deciphering the vibrations of the words he spoke.

 

_I got you. I’ve always got you, don’t worry._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)
> 
> Only an epilogue to go. Thank you for your endless kindness, patience and words of encouragement the past three months. I cannot say how much your comments, kudos and bookmarks mean to me <3
> 
> xo
> 
> twitter: jacksyien  
> tumblr: kingjacskon


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy this final chapter of Renewal. Thank you.

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

Sitting on the floor of the apartment living room, Jinyoung craned his neck up and over his left shoulder to look at Jaebum sitting in the middle of the couch, stirring his cup of coffee with a spoon.

“Do I have a choice?”

With a quiet laugh, Jaebum placed his mug on the coffee table before moving down to join Jinyoung on the worn carpet, finding a space to crouch down in, motioning over to the various stacks of books surrounding them.

“If you owned most of these when we were first together,” Jaebum began, “how come they all don’t fit in the same bookshelf now?”

“Don’t act like you didn’t add any new ones while we weren’t together,” Jinyoung chuckled, shoving a row of books that looked unfamiliar to him on the bottom shelf to the left. “It’s impossible for me to tell what you consider old or new based on the fact that you buy everything secondhand!”

“I like the way a previously read copy feels,” Jaebum explained as if he hadn’t tried to convince Jinyoung the same for years. “Besides, I thought you prefer them all alphabetized.”

Starting at the copies he had already crammed into the open spaces, Jinyoung sighed deeply, realizing that _yes_ , he would rather have everything fully integrated and organized in one fashion. While he never cared previously, as he almost preferred how separate their items felt, looking at how his copies of novels blended seamlessly with Jaebum’s reminded him that they were starting fresh and new, but also had years of good and bad experiences under their belts.

“This is going to take a lot longer than I thought then,” Jinyoung commented, pulling each and every book off of the shelf to sort into piles based on title.

“Maybe not,” Jaebum noted, taking some books from a stack near Jinyoung’s right knee. “It’s kind of funny… there’s a lot more duplicates now.”

“Hmm?” Jinyoung scrunched his face up, looking at the book in Jaebum’s hands, recognizing it as his most recent purchase before their reconciliation. “Do you have that one too?”

“Yes,” Jaebum smiled, placing it next to him as he glanced at the piles Jinyoung had made, pulling out every copy that seemed to have a twin. “I know we like similar things, but could we have at least _tried_ to not have the same personal favorites, even when we weren’t speaking?”

“Blame yourself,” Jinyoung giggled, snatching a new copy of his favorite book from the previous year back into his grasp. “You’re a bad influence.”

“I’ll gladly accept your wonderful taste in literature as part of being around me for as long as you were,” Jaebum goaded, smacking a kiss on Jinyoung’s blushing cheek, “because now, you’re back. It’s a great feeling.”

 

It _was_ a great feeling, one that Jinyoung had expressed multiple times in various ways, both verbally and physically. Moving back in with Jaebum to the old apartment was an easy decision, having his lease set to expire and beginning to repair their old relationship making the biggest impact on his choice. Weeks after his confession to Jaebum about his renewed feelings, Jinyoung finally let himself drop the guilt of the years they were apart, ready to move on and try again, no matter the difficulty. There was no use in torturing himself when he could finally say what he had been feeling, ready to make amends and find his happiness again, waking up in Jaebum’s arms night after night, a permanent smile returning to his face.

However, three years of being separated plus months of previous baggage meant a lot of work for the pair, Jinyoung struggling at times to fully engross himself in recovering their connection. Sure, the physicality was still there and his heart was in the right place, but difficult conversations had to take place, ones that would certainly dig up each of their shortcomings and flaws that had been buried over time. Jinyoung had always been stubborn and firm in standing his ground on his opinions, but Jaebum knew him best, using all of the tools he had learned over the years to get Jinyoung to open up about their problems, convincing him that the only way they could make things work would be if they could be completely honest with the other, not only in their past, but with every step moving forward.

While both men seemed to accept their new relationship easily, their first few dates as a born-again couple still had a hint of awkwardness, both dancing around certain subjects that has previously caused a rift or were no longer relevant to their future together. Jaebum no longer spoke of lofty goals, such as owning a home or moving up in his company, lessening the pressure on Jinyoung’s plans for himself in the future. Jinyoung played dumb when ex-lovers were casually mentioned, as if not mentioning their names or actions made the time between the end of their first try and the beginning of the second completely irrelevant.

As expected, the delicate dance of hazy intentions and no real information being exchanged led to an argument for the record books, one born out of suppressed stressors and old questions that were never addressed. After an awkward date which led Jinyoung to question if he was meant to be with Jaebum after all, the pair had barely made it two steps into Jaebum’s apartment before the shouting began, the pressure finally getting to both of their heads at the same exact peak time. Jaebum complained about Jinyoung’s overall passive nature, wondering if he would ever be able to crack him again, explaining how he hadn’t felt any emotional connection from Jinyoung since the night he announced he was still in love. Jinyoung countered with his own ideas, ranting about Jaebum’s desire to move with their relationship at a pace far too rapid for two people who emotionally damaged each other more than they’d like to admit. The lack of open communication had once again began to threaten their dynamic before the roots could begin to grow again, a fracture already deepening with every sharp word tossed out without a second thought.

Taking a few days to focus on their own personal lives, Jinyoung and Jaebum made a pact to come together at the end of the week to hash out every tiny piece of their relationship from day one, to finally figure out what it was they were to do if they wanted things to move forward. To Jinyoung, it was the most intimidating task, recalling words he had scribbled in his notebook when he was trying to decipher his own feelings about Jaebum, even when they seemed painfully obvious. To look into the eyes of the person he trusted most and admit his shortcomings, Jinyoung would have to make an effort to not hide behind his carefully-crafted façade of a jaded bitter man, but rather show Jaebum he was simply scared to admit his feelings and lose it all over again, only because they didn’t try.

 

Luckily for the couple, their meeting to examine where to go next was exactly what they needed, their bond strengthening with every answer of a question the other hesitated to ask. Jinyoung asked about Jaebum’s plans for leaving, why he did it all so easily, how he wished he had been a better man. Jaebum returned with his own queries regarding Jinyoung’s true intentions, asking what he could have done to make Jinyoung understand he needed more from the relationship, apologizing for his heightened temper as his patience waned. Hours later, both open and exposed, Jinyoung found himself relaxed in Jaebum’s warm embrace in their old shared bed, sheepishly mumbling under his breath what he should have said to make Jaebum stay.

_“I was scared you found out who I really was and couldn’t love that side of me. If I could have, I would have run from me, too.”_

Jaebum’s simple reply let Jinyoung relax completely, opening up the door for them to move forward, hearts honest with their true desires.

_“Running didn’t get me anywhere. I should have stayed and learned to walk with you.”_

With a smile, Jinyoung kissed him softly, letting his lips linger.

_“We have all the time in the world now, Jaebum. Just me and you. Together.”_

 

Focusing back on their once-again shared bookshelf, Jinyoung began to organize their collection again, Jaebum getting up to turn off the television and put on some music, haphazardly dancing around the various cardboard boxes scattered around the apartment. While Jinyoung had been spending most of his time there for weeks, it was only that weekend they officially moved his belongings back inside, easily slotting most of them where they had resided in the past. While some larger objects were placed in storage, Jinyoung didn’t mind utilizing Jaebum’s furniture and appliances over his own, still having an odd sense of familiarity with them after all the years apart.

Jinyoung’s favorite moment of all was bringing his tiny cactus from the kit Jaebum had forced on him during the Christmas gift exchange, ceremoniously placing it next to his previous first-first date cactus from their undergraduate career. Symbolic in more ways than one, Jinyoung couldn’t express how far they had come, but somehow the two plants told that story easily, displaying how they were able to survive through it all, only to end up back together. Jinyoung couldn’t help but think of what would have happened if Jaebum had brought him flowers on the first date instead, shaking his head when he realized even in an alternate reality, Jaebum had already known him well enough that it would never have been an option.

Clearing out another box, Jinyoung hung a new corkboard next to Jaebum’s desk in the bedroom, pinning the many polaroids he had found over the years, the one from behind his desk at his old job and even the one Jaebum had forced into his hand that he admitted carrying around with him for years. All of the other various tiny decorations he kept stowed away over the years found nooks and crannies to reside in, the small apartment feeling cozy and warm with every personal touch. With his half of the closet reclaimed and his toothbrush back in the holder next to Jaebum’s, it finally felt like coming home, tight hugs and endless kisses included.

 

The final box Jinyoung bothered with that day contained random items from across all rooms, a junk box of sorts, including his old “Jaebum box” which he proceeded to shove into the back corner of his side of the closet to deal with another day. As Jinyoung continued to unpack, Jaebum exited the bathroom, freshly showered and ready for bed, lounging back against the pillows as he watched Jinyoung finish his day of unpacking. After placing a few more items in their desired place, Jinyoung reached into the box to grab the final object, laughing to himself as he realized what it was.

“What is it?” Jaebum asked, looking over in his thick-rimmed glasses, skin glowy from his routine.

“I don’t know if you want to know,” Jinyoung laughed, pulling out a slim notebook from the bottom of the box. “It was a gift from Kang-joon.”

“Oh,” Jaebum visibly deflated, sinking into the pillows as far as he could. “Why do you still have it?”

Jinyoung paused as he ran his thumb along the cover, remembering how easily Kang-joon seemed to give up on listening to him, rather pawning him off to a pad of paper and a black pen. Their relationship was based purely on convenience and lack of effort, two people who got along well enough to consider each other the source of their happiness, but deep down, nothing could anchor them down. Remembering how he used to spend hours filling the pages with nothing but complaints about his relationship, Jinyoung chuckled to himself and shook his head, tossing the notebook next to Jaebum.

“Take a look,” Jinyoung suggested, placing the empty cardboard box in the hallway and changing into some pajamas as he watched Jaebum crack open the notebook and flip a few pages in.

As expected, Jaebum didn’t seem to have any initial reaction, eyes behind his lenses flickering back and forth as he scanned the pages quickly. It wasn’t until the third page that Jinyoung noticed a slight upturn at the corner of the other man’s lips, followed by a suppressed chuckle, eventually leading into Jaebum’s uncontrollable laughter as he tipped his head back, rows of shiny white teeth exposed for only him to see.

“Jinyoung, are you serious?” Jaebum laughed, removing his glasses from his face as he tried to calm down. “This is _real_? You wrote this while you were still _together_?”

“What!” Jinyoung giggled, sliding into bed next to him. “It’s not _that_ bad! I was just trying to be honest!”

“‘ _Sometimes I wonder if Kang-joon has ever heard the word_ no _in his life_ ,’” Jaebum recited, reading Jinyoung’s scribbles verbatim as he tried to avoid another laughing fit. “‘ _I_ _f he hasn’t, he’s made a huge mistake in thinking I wouldn’t absolutely_ adore _to be the one to let him know what it sounds like. In fact, I bet it would need to be repeated a few times before it would make it through his thick skull that anyone would even_ dare _to not appreciate the ever-so-lovely, wonderful, punctual, seemingly-perfect being that materializes into a human body labeled Seo Kang-joon._ ’”

“My opinion still stands,” Jinyoung shrugged, batting his eyelashes innocently after the dramatic reading his boyfriend offered. “He wasn’t the one for me.”

“I would hope not,” Jaebum laughed, shaking his head as he closed the book. “Imagine wanting to be with someone after writing something so… so _vicious_.”

“Consider yourself lucky I didn’t own a journal when we broke up then,” Jinyoung replied, smugly grinning as he pulled the covers up over his body to his chin.

“Noted,” Jaebum smiled fondly, reaching over and moving Jinyoung’s hair from his forehead before pressing his lips gently against it. “I’m the luckiest guy alive.”

_Gagging. You should be gagging, Park Jinyoung._

“Maybe you are,” Jinyoung smiled, leaning over to the nightstand to switch the light off, “but maybe I am, too.”

 

***

 

“Well, well, well,” Mark smirked, holding the door open for Jinyoung and Jaebum to enter through, shaking his head as they walked inside. “I never thought I’d see a sight like this again.”

“Wow,” Jinyoung scoffed, crossing his arms against his chest as Jaebum clutched a disposable foil pan while attempting to stifle his laughter. “To think that I would have picked _you_ to have the most faith in us? Disrespectful.”

“I think we all know that title belongs to Jackson,” Mark laughed, shutting the front door behind them, motioning to the back door of the house. “I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you brought… whatever hides under that lid. Jaebum, please tell me you cooked?”

“You’re supposed to be _my_ best friend,” Jinyoung whined, pouting as he followed Mark and Jaebum down the hall and outside again. “I can’t believe you would treat your most important guests at this cookout in such a poor fashion.”

“I’m not giving you both a hard time,” Mark smiled, walking out onto the deck where Jackson stood over a hot grill, various other friends and colleagues of the happy couple mingling around tables and chairs while music played lightly in the background, “just you.”

“Alright, enough,” Jaebum finally decided to step in, attempting to conceal his own amusement as he placed their tray amongst the other treats on the dessert end of the buffet. “Mark, thank you for inviting us.”

“You’re welcome,” Mark offered a half hug with Jaebum before doing the same to Jinyoung. “Keep my husband company while I get us some drinks, don’t let him wander off to speak to anyone else while he’s supposed to be cooking.”

Jinyoung went to open his mouth to offer an additional snarky reply, but Jaebum’s hand was faster, clapping over his lips in time to keep the other man quiet. Sharing a quick glance, the pair broke into two matching smiles, Jaebum dropping his hand to intertwine their fingers at their sides as they exchanged a quick kiss.

“This is the first time we’ve _both_ been able to go to the annual cookout at the _same_ time,” Jaebum reminded Jinyoung, memories of strategically arranging arrival and departure dates with their friends in the middle surfacing. “Behave or I’ll tell Jackson to kick you out.”

“I would _never_!” Jackson exclaimed, having left his post against Mark’s wishes. “I’ve been waiting for this day to come where I don’t have to act like I don’t know either of you! Look at you, together again, smiling and… happy?”

Pausing to glance over and up at Jaebum, Jinyoung didn’t miss the slight sparkle in the corner of Jaebum’s eyes, the two perfect dots accenting his favorite gaze in the world. Happiness was always a complicated concept to Jinyoung as he tended to self-sabotage every opportunity for it over the years. Getting older only compounded the pressure to settle down and claim that his life was balanced and heading in the right direction, but with Jaebum by his side once again, he didn’t have to fib or hesitate to answer Jackson’s inquiry with heartfelt honesty.

“Disgustingly so,” Jinyoung beamed, squeezing Jaebum’s hand lightly, “and I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.”

 

 

After stuffing their faces on various grilled meats and side dishes while also downing their fair share of beer and soju, Jinyoung couldn’t help but cozy up to Jaebum even more, watching as Mark and Jackson turned up the music even louder, starting a trend of various people dancing in the middle of the yard. Leaning his head on Jaebum’s shoulder, Jinyoung breathed in the scent of Jaebum’s cologne, rubbing his thumb against the back of the other’s hand, almost as if he were in a sense of perpetual disbelief that their paths once again aligned. Even with all of the arguing and difficult conversations and questions they had tossed into the open, Jinyoung still felt confident in the person he was: the person Jaebum seemed to love without limits.

_The most beautiful thing he has ever seen_ , Jinyoung reminded himself, smiling in his tipsy state.

“Hey,” Jaebum raised his shoulder, nudging Jinyoung back to reality. “Let’s get a drink inside.”

“But there’s a whole cooler out here,” Jinyoung noted, scrunching his eyebrows together. “What could be inside?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jaebum cleared his throat, standing up and tugging Jinyoung along with him. “Let’s just go find out.”

Giggling as they wove through the crowd outside, Jinyoung held onto Jaebum’s hand tight, heading back inside undetected as Jaebum led them down the hall, making a slight left into the kitchen. Letting go of Jaebum for only a moment, Jinyoung went to crack open the fridge only to have the door slammed back shut, Jaebum spinning Jinyoung around to face him as he caged his body up against it.

 

_Oh._

 

“I thought you wanted to get a drink,”Jinyoung squeaked out, voice wavering as his heart rate steadily increased.

“I’m not exactly thirsty,” Jaebum smiled, moving one hand to filter through Jinyoung’s dark locks. “Well, not in the way you were thinking.”

_Still as slick as ever, I see._

“I think we’re both on the same page,” Jinyoung chuckled, leaning forward to capture Jaebum’s mouth with his own, letting his hands rest on the other’s hips as they kissed in the kitchen. It was sweet yet a bit dangerous, making a move in an open area in their best friends’ home, but it felt more familiar than most things had the past three years; Jinyoung and Jaebum were never ones to shy away from finding a place to sneak away to and return to the main event only slightly disheveled.

As the kiss deepened and hands began to wander a bit further south, Jaebum grabbed Jinyoung by the hand once again to lead them to a more private location, bumping into countertops and doorknobs along the way as they couldn’t keep their lips off one another. Eventually backed against what seemed to be the spare bedroom door, Jinyoung reached behind him to twist open the knob, tumbling inside against the bed as Jaebum kicked the door shut behind him, miraculously only parting from Jinyoung’s lips for split second.

“Making out in the coat room,” Jaebum laughed under his breath, climbing on top of Jinyoung who appeared to be sinking into a mountain of light jackets and other outerwear. “Nice.”

“Can’t make a mess,” Jinyoung noted, acting as if he really cared to what belongings got in their way, “Jackson will know it was us and get mad.”

“Let him,” Jaebum shrugged, kissing down Jinyoung’s chin and back along his jawline, sighing in his ear. “Having you right now is worth it.”

“You’re a bad influence,” Jinyoung sighed, tilting his head back as Jaebum proceeded to unbutton the tight black jeans that had _somehow_ made their way to the front of his closet.

“And you love it,” Jaebum commented, hand sliding under the waistband of his boxer briefs, Jinyoung’s mind unable to provide a clever response before a soft moan of pleasure was leaving his lips.

 

  
  
Once fucked into a state of bliss that far surpassed how drunk he thought he was, Jinyoung sighed happily as he cleaned himself up, redressing in Mark and Jackson’s guest bedroom as Jaebum watched, fixing his hair back into place. The adventure of dating Jaebum once again brought a sense of excitement to anything they did, especially on nights like the one they were sharing, happy to have a moment alone that went unnoticed by even the party hosts. Once both freshened up and back to what they considered normal, the couple returned to the party outside, noticing a change in lighting as the sun had began to set, a moderately-sized fire blazing in the stone pit further back in the yard.

Hand in hand, Jinyoung and Jaebum approached the benches surrounding the fire, taking a seat and nodding over in acknowledgement to Mark and Jackson, both wrapped up in some conversation that had the blond spitting a thousand words a minute, Mark staring in admiration for what appeared to be no reason at all.

As more guests thanked Jackson and Mark before leaving the party, Jinyoung sensed a wave of nostalgia rushing over him, listening as Jackson cackled at whatever sarcastic joke Mark tried to crack under his breath, Jaebum laughing and shaking his head as Jinyoung remained fairly quiet. It seemed like only yesterday that they were all converging for the first time as a group of four at a random party Jinyoung never imagined himself at, one Mark didn’t even know would lead him to his long-lost romantic tryst. From then on, his life hadn’t been the same, and even through the roughest, darkest patches, Jinyoung made it through with his head held high.

_It’s almost like it’s all… fate. Or are we still avoiding that word? Seems fitting, no?_

“Jinyoung,” Mark called, looking across the fire with a smile as Jackson clung to his arm like a tiny koala. “What’s next for you this fall?”

“Well, more classes,” Jinyoung shook his head, laughing as he remembered he only had a few more days of freedom remaining until his schedule returned to full capacity. “Work, school… the usual, except a little more fun now that I have someone else around again.”

“I’m honored to even be mentioned in the same breath as your job and studies,” Jaebum smiled. “Maybe you’ll have same days off and we can go on a trip.”

“It’s been a long time since we’ve done that,” Jinyoung noted, a smile creeping onto his lips as he remembered fond memories of his past vacations with Jaebum. “I’d love to go on a trip with you again.”

“Then it’s settled,” Jaebum grinned, planting another kiss to his cheek. “A couple’s retreat to somewhere… _romantic_.”

“Now _that_ sounds so lovely,” Jackson interjected, visibly swooning at the concept. “Mark, let’s go with them. It’d be like an extended double date… maybe we could find a hotel with conjoining rooms!”

“Or maybe we could let them have some time to themselves,” Mark began, “you know, away from you?”

As Jackson overreacted in the only way he knew how, Jinyoung giggled and buried his face into Jaebum’s chest as his friends bickered. While Mark and Jackson’s voices faded into the background, he moved to lean against Jaebum’s shoulder, leaving only the flickering and crackling of the fire to ring through his ears. Placing his hand on top of Jaebum’s, Jinyoung didn’t flinch at all as the older man flipped his hand over, weaving their fingers together with little resistance as their eyes met, a silent confirmation of _I love you_ confirmed, unspoken.

 

***

 

Like clockwork, Jinyoung woke up to his favorite smells of cinnamon and clove, a deep breath confirming that there was more than likely one of his favorite morning treats waiting for him in the kitchen. Climbing out of bed, he tugged on one of Jaebum’s nearby t-shirts over his underwear, padding into the kitchen in his warm slippers, lazily scratching at his scalp through his bedhead. One of his most cherished sights to see in the morning was Jaebum, clad only in a pair of plaid boxers, hovering near the oven in the kitchen, coffee brewing on the counter to his left.

“Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve waking up in a cold, empty bed,” Jinyoung giggled, heading towards Jaebum as he turned around, arms sliding around the other’s midsection. “However, I’ll take that every time if it means I get a breakfast cooked from scratch.”

“You sound like a spoiled brat,” Jaebum snorted, shaking his head as he checked the timer on the stove.

“Maybe you made me this way,” Jinyoung let go of Jaebum’s warm skin, slinking away to pull his favorite mug out of the drying rack on the counter, pausing with a smirk before he filled his cup, “... _daddy_.”

“Are you done?” Jaebum groaned in annoyance, reaching over to swat at Jinyoung’s butt as the younger giggled at his reaction. “You’re cute, but you can be a real pain in my ass. You know that?”

“Typically, you’re the pain in mine,” Jinyoung laughed more, finally filling his mug with the freshly brewed coffee. “But, whatever. Semantics and all that good stuff.”

“What has gotten into you today?” Jaebum laughed, lunging towards Jinyoung to pull him into a backwards embrace, lifting him off the ground as they both giggled together.

“Nothing!” Jinyoung struggled, unable to escape Jaebum’s strong grasp that only seemed more intense paired with his locked jaw. “I’m just…”

 

_Delighted, pleased, contented, satisfied, joyous, untroubled, carefree…_

 

“Happy.”

 

Apparently satisfied with Jinyoung’s answer, Jaebum finally let him go, smiling a bit mischievously before turning to leave the room, motioning for Jinyoung to wait only a second.

“Where are you going!” Jinyoung smiled, standing in the middle of the kitchen impatiently. “Do you really have to do whatever it is that you’re doing _now_?”

Less than a minute later, Jaebum reappeared in the entrance to the kitchen, arms behind his back as if he were hiding something from Jinyoung’s view, smile more fond than it appeared before he disappeared.

“What?” Jinyoung asked, attempting to peer beyond Jaebum’s shoulder. “What do you have in your hands?”

“I got you something,” Jaebum replied, looking down and back up, acting a bit bashful for his usual morning self. “It’s like, um… a moving back in with me gift? For the bookshelf.”

“For the bookshelf?” Jinyoung asked, puzzled expression evident on his face. “You complained about the amount of books we had and you bought me _another_ book?”

“Kind of?” Jaebum’s voice broke on the last syllable, causing him to blush and clear his throat, pulling out a neatly-wrapped rectangle out from behind his back. “Just… open it.”

Jinyoung sat at the table, taking the gift from Jaebum, noticing the weight seemed oddly familiar. Carefully unwrapping it, he made sure to look up at Jaebum as the other man bit his lip nervously, as if Jinyoung would have any reason to reject what was waiting underneath the wrapping. With another rip of the paper, a flash of red caught his eye, making him pause and look back up to Jaebum who was suddenly grinning, watching with more anticipation than he previously had been.

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

Rushing to rip off the remainder of the paper, Jinyoung held the gift in both hands, staring down at the heavy book in his grasp. Somehow, someway, Jaebum had managed to give him the exact copy of the book that brought them together in the library in the first place, the very book that caused him so many headaches and made his life a living hell for weeks on end.

“How did you…” Jinyoung slid his fingertips across the cover, laughing softly to himself at the idea that he was actually _happy_ to see it. “Are you serious?”

“The campus library was having a book sale one day,” Jaebum casually explained, shrugging at the simple idea. “I went to look for my usual things, but figured I’d swing by to see what they had from my old stomping grounds. Never expected to see this again, but…”

Jaebum trailed off, sighing happily as if even _he_ knew how much stress the book had caused both of them.

“Open it.”

Jinyoung moved his line of sight from Jaebum’s face back down to the book, cracking open the cover and flipping to the title page, noticing a few lines of recent handwriting, ones that could only come from Jaebum himself.

“What is this?”

“Just read it.”

 

_Jinyoungie-_

_I used to think that I owed this book my life, but that’s simply not true. I owe_ you _my life, as crazy as I know you think that may be. You walked into the library that September afternoon years ago and made such an impression on me that I didn’t know how else to act except completely foolish. To think if I hadn’t been so selfish, how much harder it would have been to get through to you. I’d like to think we still would have connected… fate has a crazy way of working things out._

_This is more than just an old, outdated reference book... this is the first part of our story._

_Let’s keep making memories worth thousands of words and endless chapters._

_Love,_

_Jaebum_

 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung tried his best to ignore the steady stream of tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, sniffling as some began to fall onto the open pages. “I hate you.”

“You don’t mean that,” Jaebum smiled, crouching down to hold Jinyoung’s face in his hands, wiping his few tears away with his thumbs, “but I meant every word I wrote.”

“Why?” Jinyoung mumbled, looking through his damp eyelashes, wishing he could understand what Jaebum ever saw in him at the beginning. “Why me?”

“There has never been another choice,” Jaebum nearly whispered, appearing to swallow back his own tears. “It’s always been you.”

 

_He loves you, you idiot._

 

“I love you so much,” Jinyoung choked out, laughing as he tried to wipe his face on the sleeve of his shirt. “Fuck, I hate you for making me look like this but goddamnit, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Jaebum chuckled lightly, pressing a gentle peck to Jinyoung’s forehead before leaning down, offering a sweet kiss to his lips. “Now, how about that breakfast?”

Nodding as he regained his composure, Jinyoung smiled to himself as he watched Jaebum return to the stove, eyes lingering around until they landed on the two cactuses on the windowsill, thriving and growing together in harmony. The simple sight always eased his mind, reminding him of the past but also the path ahead. Knowing that Jaebum would always be by his side made him feel invincible, proud of the mature person he had grown to become, ready for whatever was waiting on the horizon.

 

Suddenly thinking of a brilliant idea, Jinyoung grabbed a pen from the center of the table and  waited until Jaebum’s back was turned away again before flipping to the next available page, beginning to write his own note, staring at it proudly once he finished.

 

_Jaebum-_

_I never believed in fate... not even after the first time we fell in love all those years ago._

_But maybe I do now._

_Because I have you… and I know I always will._

_Yours forever,_

_Jinyoungie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. Here we are. Finished.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with the story even though it took... five times as long as the first part in the series. Life happens, plans change, you lose motivation and begin to doubt if what you planned even makes sense or is worth writing at all. However, you guys always knew just what to say by commenting or sending me random things on twitter, leaving kudos and rereading chapters countless times. Thank you for motivating me and enjoying this story as much as you have. 
> 
> If you're still reading this - let me know your favorite part of this story :) I'd love to know!
> 
> As you may have guessed, this is not the end of Jinyoung and Jaebum's story (nor Mark or Jackson's, but I digress). Part 3 (which may possibly be the last in the series, tbd knowing my indecisiveness) will come eventually, but I don't know how I want to execute the main plot of the story, so it may be a while! Please be sure to subscribe either to the series or my author alerts to know when it arrives.
> 
> Special thank you to pepipeach who painstakingly read through every chapter before I could post. Your commentary always makes me die inside and makes me realize that I write certain jokes without even realizing it, so thanks for that and so much more <3
> 
> I am currently writing a Markson fic, so check that out if you're into that. Another Markson multi-chap (50k+) will come after that. Lots in the works :)
> 
> I can't stop saying it so here it is one more time: THANK YOU!
> 
> come bother me on twt: @jacksyien
> 
> love you guys <3 xoxo


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